Banana Republic

A few years ago I was watching a show on television about primates. To study the behavior of chimpanzees the researchers put out bananas to draw them in. They introduced a limited amount of food as they wanted to observe their natural interaction in the wild. The researchers noted that when only a few bananas were offered, the chimp who discovered the food would share the cache with the entire troop. If a load of bananas, enough for everyone, was dropped off the first chimp on the scene would vehemently guard the horde from the rest of the group. As members darted in to snag a banana, the defender aggressively lunged at them in attempts to keep the pile of bananas for himself.

The researchers reasoned that sharing a sparse food source was a sound survival tactic which preserved the most animals. The monkey doling out the meager supply was wagering that the next time there was a dearth of chow someone would share with them. The researchers also suggested that pandemonium erupted over an excessive amount of food because the chimp who found the pile of bananas was thinking,

"Screw everyone else. I'm set for life."

All this science concerning primates and bananas got me thinking about our political system. On one hand, we have liberals who mostly have less money and stuff wanting everyone to share. On the other hand, there are conservatives, who have more than they will ever need, holding onto every bit for themselves. It's a tad more complicated than that, I know. Some democrats have a shitload of assets that they hide from the government all while calling for the wealthy to "pay their fair share." Others that identify as republicans want less government except when they tell women what to do with their bodies. Like the chimpanzees who were baited with bananas, survival depends on finding common ground.

Partisan conflicts cause an aberration of facts which is heightened during an election year. Each side wants their candidate to win so their bread will continue to be buttered. Both are exceedingly biased while claiming the other has a proclivity for selective hearing. Democrats are devoted to the late Ted Kennedy even after he let a woman drown. Republicans unabashedly support George W. Bush even though he committed the country to a war against Iraq in which tens of thousands died by falsely claiming they had weapons of mass destruction. Today, the only common ground our legislators embrace is that republicans want to keep their own money while democrats want to keep republican's money too.

This bias is certainly getting worse as President Trump calls for a delay in the election because of a largely unsubstantiated claim of fraud associated with mail-in ballots all while Biden describes Trump as the first racist president despite his own history of making racially insensitive remarks, not to mention several former presidents were slave owners. The process of being elected to the highest office is so full of partisan bullshit that the only people who want the job must be, by definition, somewhat nuts.

So I have an idea.

Instead of voting in the next presidential election, let's assign the position to someone at random like is done with jury duty. You get notified by mail that you have to report to the White House on a particular date and time. Unable to refuse or offer up excuses, you can't claim financial hardship since a yearly salary of $450,000 draws down more scratch than most people make in a decade. The random selection process will ensure a fair and equitable chance that anyone can be, whether they want to or not, the President of the United States. After opening the notification letter, recipients will say,

"Oh shit! I got presidential duty."

This will eliminate most if not all of the partisan bickering since people will actually feel bad for the president who will always be able to express that he or she never wanted this shit job in the first place. When the media discovers that the president once smoked pot in high school, he could say,

"I was at a bake sale packing a bowl with purple strain when I got the letter."

If a faction of legislators organize to impeach the president, she could declare,

"My job in the financial sector was more rewarding. Do me a solid."

The president's main job would be to sit at the Resolute desk daily and sign their name to random inconsequential papers. They would also be responsible for pardoning a turkey. The State of the Union address would consist of the president saying,

"Same as last year."

Assigning the presidency to a random person would ensure that occasionally we'd draw a smart, competent, respectable candidate as opposed to what we've been getting lately. In the end, everyone would get the same chance to be president, and every so often we'd land the likes of Sully Sullenberger or Tom Hanks. Of course that also means we'll have an equal probability of having to soldier through four years of President Bieber.

One other thing. If we do randomly assign people to the highest office in the land, I won't be able do it. I suffer from meleagrisphobia. I do like bananas though.

Trump's First Dog?

Obama Avoiding Bo

Almost all presidents pick a pet for the White House. Historically, only three didn't, Millard Fillmore, the last Whig Party president, Franklin Pierce, the first president to deliver an inaugural address entirely from memory, and Chester Allan Arthur, who took over after Garfield was assassinated. Some presidents had quite the menagerie at the White House, including horses and farm animals.


George Washington's wife, Martha, had a parrot named "Snipe." Jefferson was gifted two grizzly bear cubs which he deemed "too dangerous & troublesome for me to keep." Andrew Jackson had a foulmouthed parrot, named "Poll." Historians believe that the bird picked up the predilection for colorful language from listening to Old Hickory. The bird was present at Jackson's funeral. Just before the eulogy by Reverend William Menefee Norment, the bird got excited and started swearing so loudly that attendants removed it from the house. Abraham Lincoln signed a proclamation on Oct 3, 1863 establishing the last Thursday in November as a "day of Thanksgiving and Praise." A turkey sent to the White House for Christmas dinner was named "Jack" by Lincoln's son, Tad, who adopted the bird as a pet. When Tad learned the fate of Jack, he interrupted a cabinet meeting to plead with his father to spare Jack's life. Lincoln, having a soft spot for his young son, pardoned the bird.


Roosevelt Refusing to
Shoot Mickey Mouse

Theodore Roosevelt had his own zoo at the White House with dogs, horses, snakes, guinea pigs, an owl, some lizards, five bears, a lion, a hyena and a zebra. On a hunting trip in Mississippi, Roosevelt refused to shoot an old bear that his guides tethered to a tree. Cartoons, depicting a benevolent Roosevelt refusing to cap a frightened bear cub, soon made it into the newspapers. A Brooklyn candy shop owner put two stuffed bears that his wife made in his window, calling them "Teddy's Bears."

Calvin Coolidge had a load of animals as well including a donkey, a bobcat and a pygmy hippo. He is best known for the Immigration Act of 1924 which was drafted to limit immigration to the United States from Southern and Eastern Europe. The act restricted immigration from Africa, and outright banned it from Arab and Asian countries.

Nixon Explaining How
Much He Pays for
Toilet Paper 

When Nixon was selected as Dwight D. Eisenhower's running mate in 1952, he came under scrutiny for misappropriating campaign funds which threatened his place on the ticket. Nixon appeared on television giving a speech detailing his household finances. He concluded with a story about how his family received a black and white cocker spaniel as a gift which his daughter named "Checkers." He said,

"I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it."
 

Naturally, Nixon's story about the little dog resonated with the American people, and weeks later Eisenhower and Nixon were swept into office.
 

Happier Times for
Socks, Hillary and
Monica

The more recent presidents seem to opt on just cats and dogs. Clinton had "Socks" the cat while George Bush had a Springer Spaniel named "Spot." Obama took months before he selected "Bo," a Portuguese Water Dog, due to his daughter's allergies. Obama is rarely photographed playing with Bo or Sunny, the second First Dog, leading many people to believe that he doesn't actually like them. If that's true, it can't be over the odor since I'm sure the dogs don't smell as bad as cigarette smoke.

In this country, the president has to have a dog if they want to be reelected otherwise dog owners, which is everyone but me, won't vote for them. In the United States, you have to like dogs or people will assume that there is something wrong with you. We should just get on with it, and make it a law that every household has to have at least one dog. The medical brain trust is split down the middle in regards to allergies and pet ownership. Half claim early exposure to pet dander and hair provides immunity while others believe it exacerbates allergies. Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a campaign stump speech which she blamed on her rival by saying,

"Everytime I think about Trump I get allergic."

She also claimed that her private email server was hypoallergenic and helped with her sinusitis.

President Trump

Trump had a case of the sniffles during the first debate which he blamed on a faulty microphone. I think he suffers from allergies as well since the events were held in the middle of ragweed season. Or it could have been the excessive amount of Charlie cologne Hillary was wearing.

I've been wondering what kind of dog President Trump will pick for the White House. Perhaps a Great Dane? That would work. They only live for about eight years. Or maybe a Doberman Pincher, named "Bull." Whenever Trump is dissatisfied with someone in the Oval Office, he'll yell,

"Sic balls, Bull!"

Trump's first wife, Ivana, wrote in her tell all book that Trump hated her poodle, "Chappy," who would aggressively bark at him. When Trump is dissatisfied with someone, he often tweets that they were fired or choked "like a dog." Ivanka Trump was criticized for giving her daughter an all white dog named "Winter." Television producer, Jared Kotler, tweeted,

"...when you want to seem human and get a dog, maybe a shelter dog would show humanity. But all white and blue eyes is on brand. Fuck off."

To think poor Winter was force castrated without consent, and now people think he's a symbol of racism.

My prediction is that Trump will go against the recommendation of all his top advisors and won't get a dog for the White House. A self described germaphobe, who doesn't like to shake hands, who vetted women he wanted to date for STDs, and who likely suffers from allergies, certainly will not allow an animal into his home. Trump won't care that you won't vote for him for not having a dog. He favors his own instincts over politically correct maneuvers.

Just maybe, that's what we need right now.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on November 11, 2016. Trump is the fourth president to pass on a pet for the White House which is the real reason why Democrats are trying to impeach him.