Banana Republic

A few years ago I was watching a show on television about primates. To study the behavior of chimpanzees the researchers put out bananas to draw them in. They introduced a limited amount of food as they wanted to observe their natural interaction in the wild. The researchers noted that when only a few bananas were offered, the chimp who discovered the food would share the cache with the entire troop. If a load of bananas, enough for everyone, was dropped off the first chimp on the scene would vehemently guard the horde from the rest of the group. As members darted in to snag a banana, the defender aggressively lunged at them in attempts to keep the pile of bananas for himself.

The researchers reasoned that sharing a sparse food source was a sound survival tactic which preserved the most animals. The monkey doling out the meager supply was wagering that the next time there was a dearth of chow someone would share with them. The researchers also suggested that pandemonium erupted over an excessive amount of food because the chimp who found the pile of bananas was thinking,

"Screw everyone else. I'm set for life."

All this science concerning primates and bananas got me thinking about our political system. On one hand, we have liberals who mostly have less money and stuff wanting everyone to share. On the other hand, there are conservatives, who have more than they will ever need, holding onto every bit for themselves. It's a tad more complicated than that, I know. Some democrats have a shitload of assets that they hide from the government all while calling for the wealthy to "pay their fair share." Others that identify as republicans want less government except when they tell women what to do with their bodies. Like the chimpanzees who were baited with bananas, survival depends on finding common ground.

Partisan conflicts cause an aberration of facts which is heightened during an election year. Each side wants their candidate to win so their bread will continue to be buttered. Both are exceedingly biased while claiming the other has a proclivity for selective hearing. Democrats are devoted to the late Ted Kennedy even after he let a woman drown. Republicans unabashedly support George W. Bush even though he committed the country to a war against Iraq in which tens of thousands died by falsely claiming they had weapons of mass destruction. Today, the only common ground our legislators embrace is that republicans want to keep their own money while democrats want to keep republican's money too.

This bias is certainly getting worse as President Trump calls for a delay in the election because of a largely unsubstantiated claim of fraud associated with mail-in ballots all while Biden describes Trump as the first racist president despite his own history of making racially insensitive remarks, not to mention several former presidents were slave owners. The process of being elected to the highest office is so full of partisan bullshit that the only people who want the job must be, by definition, somewhat nuts.

So I have an idea.

Instead of voting in the next presidential election, let's assign the position to someone at random like is done with jury duty. You get notified by mail that you have to report to the White House on a particular date and time. Unable to refuse or offer up excuses, you can't claim financial hardship since a yearly salary of $450,000 draws down more scratch than most people make in a decade. The random selection process will ensure a fair and equitable chance that anyone can be, whether they want to or not, the President of the United States. After opening the notification letter, recipients will say,

"Oh shit! I got presidential duty."

This will eliminate most if not all of the partisan bickering since people will actually feel bad for the president who will always be able to express that he or she never wanted this shit job in the first place. When the media discovers that the president once smoked pot in high school, he could say,

"I was at a bake sale packing a bowl with purple strain when I got the letter."

If a faction of legislators organize to impeach the president, she could declare,

"My job in the financial sector was more rewarding. Do me a solid."

The president's main job would be to sit at the Resolute desk daily and sign their name to random inconsequential papers. They would also be responsible for pardoning a turkey. The State of the Union address would consist of the president saying,

"Same as last year."

Assigning the presidency to a random person would ensure that occasionally we'd draw a smart, competent, respectable candidate as opposed to what we've been getting lately. In the end, everyone would get the same chance to be president, and every so often we'd land the likes of Sully Sullenberger or Tom Hanks. Of course that also means we'll have an equal probability of having to soldier through four years of President Bieber.

One other thing. If we do randomly assign people to the highest office in the land, I won't be able do it. I suffer from meleagrisphobia. I do like bananas though.