Trump's First Dog?

Obama Avoiding Bo

Almost all presidents pick a pet for the White House. Historically, only three didn't, Millard Fillmore, the last Whig Party president, Franklin Pierce, the first president to deliver an inaugural address entirely from memory, and Chester Allan Arthur, who took over after Garfield was assassinated. Some presidents had quite the menagerie at the White House, including horses and farm animals.


George Washington's wife, Martha, had a parrot named "Snipe." Jefferson was gifted two grizzly bear cubs which he deemed "too dangerous & troublesome for me to keep." Andrew Jackson had a foulmouthed parrot, named "Poll." Historians believe that the bird picked up the predilection for colorful language from listening to Old Hickory. The bird was present at Jackson's funeral. Just before the eulogy by Reverend William Menefee Norment, the bird got excited and started swearing so loudly that attendants removed it from the house. Abraham Lincoln signed a proclamation on Oct 3, 1863 establishing the last Thursday in November as a "day of Thanksgiving and Praise." A turkey sent to the White House for Christmas dinner was named "Jack" by Lincoln's son, Tad, who adopted the bird as a pet. When Tad learned the fate of Jack, he interrupted a cabinet meeting to plead with his father to spare Jack's life. Lincoln, having a soft spot for his young son, pardoned the bird.


Roosevelt Refusing to
Shoot Mickey Mouse

Theodore Roosevelt had his own zoo at the White House with dogs, horses, snakes, guinea pigs, an owl, some lizards, five bears, a lion, a hyena and a zebra. On a hunting trip in Mississippi, Roosevelt refused to shoot an old bear that his guides tethered to a tree. Cartoons, depicting a benevolent Roosevelt refusing to cap a frightened bear cub, soon made it into the newspapers. A Brooklyn candy shop owner put two stuffed bears that his wife made in his window, calling them "Teddy's Bears."

Calvin Coolidge had a load of animals as well including a donkey, a bobcat and a pygmy hippo. He is best known for the Immigration Act of 1924 which was drafted to limit immigration to the United States from Southern and Eastern Europe. The act restricted immigration from Africa, and outright banned it from Arab and Asian countries.

Nixon Explaining How
Much He Pays for
Toilet Paper 

When Nixon was selected as Dwight D. Eisenhower's running mate in 1952, he came under scrutiny for misappropriating campaign funds which threatened his place on the ticket. Nixon appeared on television giving a speech detailing his household finances. He concluded with a story about how his family received a black and white cocker spaniel as a gift which his daughter named "Checkers." He said,

"I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it."
 

Naturally, Nixon's story about the little dog resonated with the American people, and weeks later Eisenhower and Nixon were swept into office.
 

Happier Times for
Socks, Hillary and
Monica

The more recent presidents seem to opt on just cats and dogs. Clinton had "Socks" the cat while George Bush had a Springer Spaniel named "Spot." Obama took months before he selected "Bo," a Portuguese Water Dog, due to his daughter's allergies. Obama is rarely photographed playing with Bo or Sunny, the second First Dog, leading many people to believe that he doesn't actually like them. If that's true, it can't be over the odor since I'm sure the dogs don't smell as bad as cigarette smoke.

In this country, the president has to have a dog if they want to be reelected otherwise dog owners, which is everyone but me, won't vote for them. In the United States, you have to like dogs or people will assume that there is something wrong with you. We should just get on with it, and make it a law that every household has to have at least one dog. The medical brain trust is split down the middle in regards to allergies and pet ownership. Half claim early exposure to pet dander and hair provides immunity while others believe it exacerbates allergies. Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a campaign stump speech which she blamed on her rival by saying,

"Everytime I think about Trump I get allergic."

She also claimed that her private email server was hypoallergenic and helped with her sinusitis.

President Trump

Trump had a case of the sniffles during the first debate which he blamed on a faulty microphone. I think he suffers from allergies as well since the events were held in the middle of ragweed season. Or it could have been the excessive amount of Charlie cologne Hillary was wearing.

I've been wondering what kind of dog President Trump will pick for the White House. Perhaps a Great Dane? That would work. They only live for about eight years. Or maybe a Doberman Pincher, named "Bull." Whenever Trump is dissatisfied with someone in the Oval Office, he'll yell,

"Sic balls, Bull!"

Trump's first wife, Ivana, wrote in her tell all book that Trump hated her poodle, "Chappy," who would aggressively bark at him. When Trump is dissatisfied with someone, he often tweets that they were fired or choked "like a dog." Ivanka Trump was criticized for giving her daughter an all white dog named "Winter." Television producer, Jared Kotler, tweeted,

"...when you want to seem human and get a dog, maybe a shelter dog would show humanity. But all white and blue eyes is on brand. Fuck off."

To think poor Winter was force castrated without consent, and now people think he's a symbol of racism.

My prediction is that Trump will go against the recommendation of all his top advisors and won't get a dog for the White House. A self described germaphobe, who doesn't like to shake hands, who vetted women he wanted to date for STDs, and who likely suffers from allergies, certainly will not allow an animal into his home. Trump won't care that you won't vote for him for not having a dog. He favors his own instincts over politically correct maneuvers.

Just maybe, that's what we need right now.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on November 11, 2016. Trump is the fourth president to pass on a pet for the White House which is the real reason why Democrats are trying to impeach him.

The Most Interesting Cat in the World

Aidan with a Broken Arm

Back in 2009, when my son, Aidan, was five years old, he broke his arm on the monkey bars at school. I got the call, and was on site in no time. A quick trip to the emergency room confirmed the break with an X-ray. I was baptized as a parent when Aidan received a cast past his elbow. It was one of those nightmare days made easier by how calm Aidan was through the whole ordeal.

When I finally got home, I sent an email to my family and circle of friends. It read,

"Aidan is fine, but he broke his arm today."

It included a picture of Aidan smiling in his cast as well as the X-ray showing a clean break. He was very lucky that the bones stayed in line. It could have been worse if a bone had punctured the skin. So if there was any good to fall back on, no surgery was necessary.

Everyone responded with relief, that is, everyone except my pet friends. They were a couple who

Actual X-Ray

have eleven cats and unfortunately for them, one died the same day Aidan broke his arm. They elected not to respond to my email or show any concern for my son. Instead they sent this to a distribution list,

"We have some very sad news. One of our beloved cats, Felix, suffered sudden heart failure this afternoon just shy of his 8th birthday. He developed blood clots and unfortunately there was very little his veterinarian could do. Both of us are devastated by the loss of Felix. For those of you who knew him, you know how loving and amazingly talented he was and if ever there was a cat who tried to be human, it was Felix."

"Felix meant a lot to both us, and we sorrowfully mourn his loss."

Okay, I get it. Some people really like their pets. I could understand how they overlooked Aidan's injury in the clutches of the demise of their cat. Surely, they just didn't read my email. They closed with,

"Some of you don't know how lucky you are. Bones heal, but death is forever."

Felix the Cat

Now, that was seven years ago and the statute of limitations on stupid pet comments has finally expired. As Aidan got older, and asked why we no longer see this couple, I let him read their email. Instead of being upset, he laughed heartily to which, I, of course, joined in because I'm a crummy parent. I know people have an unrealistic perception of their pets coupled with a belief that they are part of the family, even human. It is so prevalent we have a word for it, "anthropomorphize."

A hundred years ago, advertisements showed dogs through a window in their doghouse in the backyard. People saw animals as beasts of burden, a horse pulling a cart, a cow being milked, an ox pulling a plow. Pet memorials in the papers referred to a dog that died as "man's best friend." Then in the 1930's ads showed pets curled up by the fire and memorials indicated "a loyal friend." After World War II, advertisements showed dogs sleeping on a bed and references that indicated "a member of the family." What is it about our culture that has elevated the status of animals to that of our children?

As the years passed, Aidan and I created an obituary for Felix the Cat which we recited for amusement on long car rides when only he and I were awake. It got increasingly farcical. Before we forget the life of a cat who so wanted to be a human, we decided to post our thoughts here. I welcome anyone to share their fond memories of Felix in the comments.

Felix The Cat

2001 ~ 2009

Felix was a most gifted cat. He was the youngest feline in history to circumnavigate the globe in an open rowboat. Felix served a six month tour on the International Space Station as "Special Payload." In 2004, he lost his bid for the presidency after winning a nomination from the Black Panther Party, where he ran on a platform of feline suffrage. Felix was an accomplished concert pianist. He dealt with his share of discrimination for his lack of an opposable thumb, but he didn't let that stop him. He was struck down with sudden heart failure just short of his PhD dissertation defense entitled, Feline Discrimination in Postmodern America. Felix was taken from us all too soon. He could always be counted on to find the cleanest spot on the floor whenever he had a hair ball. He will be missed by his family, friends and the world community. Felix was well known as The Most Interesting Cat in the World.

Stay frisky my friends.

Many childless pet owners have told me how I will never understand. Unlike our former friends, I've had pets, and I have children. I prefer the latter. When Dinkles the Dog plays a trumpet solo in the school jazz band, and you're beaming with pride in the audience, then maybe we can talk about family membership, but until then, I favor my own species. There's a lot of advantages of children over pets. You can talk with them, they often express their love, they rarely bite anybody, they are more than likely genetically related to you, they don't get fleas or worms, they don't chew holes in things, eventually they learn how to wipe their own butts, and they shed far less.

Bones do heal, and death is forever, but you can get a cat for under ten bucks at Petco.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on December 1, 2016.