Scientists Discover a New Shape

The Scutoid

First off, I didn’t even know that anyone was looking for new shapes. I guess I’m glad that research in the field of spacial geometry is still being conducted. I, for one, thought everything that there was to know about geometric shapes had already been discovered decades ago. Now, the rhombus has to move aside like Pluto as it relinquishes its position as the least understood geometric figure, making room for the "scutoid."

Scientists from the University of Seville discovered the new form in nature. The results were published in the peer-reviewed journal, Nature Communications. The new shape was described as having a specific curve and didn’t look like any known mathematical figure. The researchers observed the structure in fruit flies and zebrafish. While the rest of us were filing off to our boring, mundane jobs, scientists were pushing the envelope of knowledge by looking for undiscovered shapes in insects and fish.

The scutoid, named for a structure found in the thorax of beetles, is five sided on one end and six sided on the other. It’s basically a hexagon and a pentagon smashed together. Euclid described many of the basic shapes like the circle in his seminal work, Elements, a 13 volume treatise written in 300 BC. The circle is believed to be known before recorded history because it’s so common. The moon, the wheel, coins. Other shapes like the parallelogram and rhombus are harder to find in nature. It’s no wonder it took scientists so many years to find the elusive scutoid because who would have thought to look between the neck and abdomen of a bug?

There are a lot of complex shapes which one might be unfamiliar with like the frustum, which is the lower part of a pyramid, or the rhombicosidodecahedron which has 20 triangular faces, 30 square faces, 12 regular pentagonal faces, 60 vertices, and 120 edges. Many of these shapes are found in the natural world, the cosmos, microbiology and the ass of a goat. Now that the scutoid has been discovered, scientists are pretty sure there are no more new shapes out there. How do they know? Because the only place scientists haven't searched is a stink beetle's colon.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on August 7, 2018.

One Less Privileged Brat

Caillou

Earlier this month, PBS Kids announced that the animated, educational children television series, Caillou, will no longer be broadcasted. Originally airing in the fall of 1997, the show followed the everyday life of a four year old boy and his younger sister, mother, father and paternal grandparents. The first thing everyone notices about Caillou is that he's bald. Although many over the years have suggested that he has the big C, the show’s animators indicated that when they drew hair on Caillou as he aged, he became less recognizable so they opted to keep him hairless. His sister, Rosie, is the only redhead in the family which should make Boris, the father, suspicious of Doris, the mother, but this issue never surfaced in any of the five seasons of Caillou.

Created by Hélène Desputeaux, a Canadian educator and illustrator, the story chronicles the arrested development of a boy whose features some believe are blended together to make him appear as though he's not from any particular ethnic background. Additionally, the show employs "an authentic voice" driven in part by expert child psychologists and psychiatrists to capture "a rich and fully developed content." The second thing everyone notes about Caillou is that the sound of his authentic voice is like a corkscrew drilling through your head. His go-to whine and subsequent Pavlovian balling, coupled with incessantly calling out for his mother, makes Munchausen by proxy a more understandable syndrome. To say Caillou cries a lot is like wondering aloud if bees shit in the hive.

In one episode, Caillou falls from a seesaw. The narrator, who sounds like an old blue blood that probably uses terms like "you people" a lot, states that he was uninjured from his tumble. This doesn't stop Caillou from calling to his mother who swoops in to comfort her little sobbing bundle of need. Caillou is quick to rat out anyone who doesn't live up to his high expectations. In one show he complained to his mother that a deaf boy wasn't listening to him. Another time he ejected his little sister from his room only to acquiesce after becoming bored by himself. He also once whined that he didn't want his father to go to work. When his sister was a newborn, Caillou pinched her face causing her to cry out in pain.

Rosie learns how to be ass hat just like her big brother. She balls uncontrollably when things don't go her way. In one episode, she tosses a cookie onto the floor while saying, "Cookie good." Her mother dutifully picks it up. Caillou once expressed his preference for cookies over vegetables and got up from the dinner table to retrieve the cookie jar. Caillou scuffled on the playground with an equally snot filled boy, named Jimmy, who wanted Caillou to push him on the swing. This caused Caillou to throw himself into his grandfather's lap as the narrator states,

"Caillou didn't like Jim because he always had to get his own way."

Caillou wished to go to the circus after he learned that two of his friends were planning a trip. Caillou invited himself instructing his friends to swing by and pick him up. After he got himself dressed and brushed his teeth, his father tells him that he wasn't going with his friends to the circus today but would be going with his family tomorrow. Caillou wanted to go now so he breaks a toy then tosses himself onto the bathroom floor while kicking his feet and hands in a full blown meltdown. In yet another episode, Caillou fantasizes that he is a king.

All of this rich and fully developed outpouring of emotion wouldn't be so bad if Boris and Doris got on the same page and occasionally punish Caillou for being such a bone deep ass pain. Admittedly, I didn't watch all the episodes because our oldest son, Aidan, lost interest in the show after one season. Good thing that he did in lieu of embracing Caillou's modicum of coping skills otherwise Aidan would be an only child. The best I can tell Caillou's parents, being Canadians, were high which is why they were so mellow all the time. Sure, I know cannabis wasn't legalized in Canada until 2018, long after the five seasons of Caillou aired, but I'm certain that the level of tolerance depicted in the show for such crap ass behavior, even from your own genetic offspring, requires lots of powerful mood alternating drugs.

The Canadian Supreme Court once ruled that Ms. Desputeaux as well as the network jointly shared the copyrights to Caillou even though both parties claimed exclusive ownership. Shortly afterwards the Court legalized pot making Canada the second country to do so nationally, right behind Uruguay. This added weed to the list of chief exports from Canada which prior to the landmark decision included only Canadian money and Justin Bieber.

So I've read online that this month we're getting rid of the pale, petulant, privileged, hair-challenged, whining, egocentric, unruly, holy terror. They mean Caillou, right?

Ok Spartacus

After Biden declared victory on Saturday night, I received my first text message from a liberal friend. Others soon followed. Mind you, these are the folks who said that under no circumstances were we to talk about politics. I obliged even though they occasionally expressed oblique remarks which any reasonable person would deem political nowadays. For example, one friend said,

"How can anyone deny science?"

It doesn't matter that my progressive buddies mostly avoided science in college, they are all willing to go to their rooms and wait for the scientists to tell them when it's safe to come out. If I could get a word in, I would explain that science involves the meaningful exchange of ideas, not a decree of veracity based on a degree of concurrence.

Most concepts which were once widely acceptance by the scientific community turned out to be altogether wrong. Just look at germ theory. In the past most medical experts believed disease spread by miasma, noxious foul air consisting of rotting organic matter. One got cholera or the Black Death from breathing "bad air." The idea was around since ancient times and persisted through to the late 19th century. It was so widespread that it was believed inhaling the odors of food caused obesity. Most Western cultures regarded "night air" as dangerous. Throughout the 1800's, the medical braintrust were split on the cause and spread of disease. Half believed that physical contact or contagion was necessary while the other half subscribed to miasma theory.

My liberal friends are certain that if we all strapped on masks and maintained six feet separation millions of lives would be spared because that's what scientist say. Biden said that he will follow the science, but a leader must assess input from scientists, economists, industry leaders and experts from academia and then make an informed decision. Some scientists ring the alarm bells to ensure funding as they know federal money is more likely granted to quell a pending catastrophe than it is to simply investigate a merely interesting phenomena.

When my progressive friends announced that we were not to discuss politics what they really meant was that I was not to discuss politics. It doesn't matter that I am a registered Democrat who voted for Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama. They can't imagine why I just don't hate Donald Trump like they do. I called foul on some of the things done to the President before he even took office. I actually read the Steele dossier which FBI Directory James Comey brought to Trump on his first day in the Oval Office. When I scrutinized the largely unverifiable document, it sounded like barroom bullshit to me. Recently we learned though handwritten notes of former CIA Director John Brennan that the whole Russian collusion narrative was cooked up by Hillary Clinton to deflect attention from her email server debacle.

In 2016, everyone thought Hillary was going to win with news outlets declaring a landslide and polls reporting favorable numbers. Comey must have figured he was ingratiating himself with the incoming president by investigating the Trump campaign. He probably soiled his Hanes when Trump won in 2016. The media went into overdrive pushing Russian interference as the main reason Hillary lost. Putin's misinformation campaign orchestrated on social media was nothing compared to voter's distain for Clinton. She repeatedly expressed that the election was stolen and that Trump was an "illegitimate president" because she simply can't accept the fact that she lost on her own demerits.

People in this country form opinions based on very little information. They don't research issues in depth by scouring multiple sources to separate fact from fiction. This is why social media is so good at spreading conspiracy theories. Even so, I am against censorship by Twitter and Facebook. I'll assess the veracity of the information myself. I don't need someone to do it for me. And in doing so and occasionally writing about it, I have drew the wrath of progressive woke crusaders who wield the sharpest weapon in their quivers, that is, the power to cancel.

At the moment more than half the ads for my blog for which I pay Google to run have been taken down for "Destination not working." Since I use Blogger, Google's blogging software, there is no legitimate reason as to why my posts shouldn't load on all platforms. One of my ads was rejected because the mobile version font was set too small even thought I use all the default settings in Blogger for all of my posts. I tried to get help from Google Support, but they just appealed the decision and sent it back into the policy management system which arrived at the same conclusions.

Sadly, all the ads for the political pieces I wrote were rejected on October 27 just before the election on the grounds that they contained "inappropriate content" under the "Sensitive events policy." The policy states that Google "will restrict content which references the candidates, the election, or its outcome." A year ago I wrote a comic piece entitled, "Trump's Greatest Weakness," in which I railed on OJ Simpson, David Hasselhoff, Neil Diamond and Donald Trump. The article was widely read until Google determined that it contained inappropriate material given the upcoming election.

I set out to write this blog to hone my skills as a humorist. Initially, I posted twice a week for a year, then settled on every Tuesday. I vowed not to accept ads in the text as I hate reading articles that require one to repeatedly dismiss popups for a George Foreman grill. When I started, I wrote mostly whatever I found to be funny, current events, celebrity news, and occasionally medical procedures my doctor insisted I undergo. I often wrote about my wife and our two sons. I have been advised to pull or sanitized some of my funniest posts as our culture collectively becomes more easily offended.

It's hard to be a humorist while always contending with righteous indignation. That's why a lot of professional comedians like Jerry Seinfeld refuse to perform on college campuses. If Michelangelo was worried about being cancelled, all the figures on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would be wearing clothes. Likewise while all the anti-bullying efforts have made the younger generations much nicer people, it does tend to dull the wit. For example, if Stanley Kubrick's iconic 1960 film was rewritten today the line,

"I am Spartacus!"

would be replaced with,

"Ok boomer."

My friends texted me in regards to the election to see if the declaration of Biden's impending victory somehow troubled me in some way. A few refer to me as a Trump apologist as Ben Stein was to Nixon, but like Alan Dershowitz, I believe in the Constitution and the rule of law. Too bad the distinguished Harvard law professor was dispatched by an accusation of sordid behavior associated with Jeffrey Epstien. As I believed before, I still believe now. We must rally in support of whoever is elected even if we don't agree with all their policies. And it doesn't matter if they use awkward words or exhibit absurd mannerisms anymore than it is a concern as to the color of their skin.

Even if orange.

Same Candidate, Different Election Day

Back in 2016, I wrote about the candidates that we were to select from in the upcoming election. I was especially interested in the third party nominees because I wasn't so sure about who the Republican and Democrat parties were pushing. Of course Donald Trump and Mike Pence beat out Hillary Clinton and some white guy she picked for a running mate. This past summer, I penned a guide to the 25 Democrat candidates vying for the White House. As all the people of color and women fell by the wayside, the last two standing were too old white guys. In the fall Bernie Sanders was almost fitted for a pine box as he was introduced to the words "myocardial infraction." Doctors slapped two stents into his clogged coronary artery, propped him up, then shoved him back into the fight. All Bernie's socialists ideas proved too radical for voters who settled on Joe Biden because he was widely regarded as an experienced centrist.

No one was more surprised than Biden when they told him that he had won. The first thing he said was,

"I call the Lincoln bedroom!"

His campaign advisers had to explain to him that he had just won his parties nomination, not the presidency and that the next step was to select a running mate who had to be a woke women. Later they further qualified the choice to a Black woke women which really pissed off Elizabeth Warren. She used to be a person of color until the results of her DNA test refuted her mammaw's family lore that although her grandfather had high cheekbones "like all of the Indians do," Warren is, in fact, not Native American.

The short list included California Representative Karen Bass, former National Security Advisor Susan Rice, Florida Representative Val Demmings and Senator Kamala Harris. All except Rice played significant roles in the House impeachment of Trump which made them look like they could take on the President. Rice had a role in the Russian collusion shit storm, the origins of which are being investigated by United States Attorney John Durham. Durham is known to be fair, impartial and unbiased, but I'm sure the mainstream media will describe him as "one of Trump's hired thugs" if his investigation implicates the Obama Administration for approving a plan to vilify Trump "by stirring up a scandal claiming interference by Russian security service" in attempts to deflect attention away from Hillary's private email debacle. 

Clinton repeatedly referred to Trump as an “illegitimate president” who colluded with the Russians to steal the election. She never exactly said what the Russians did except some vague remarks about false ads on social media. The Russians can’t make a car in which you can roll up the window, and we’re supposed to believe they used Facebook to change the outcome of the election? Now it’s Trump’s turn to claim the election was stolen and fraudulent.

Kamala Harris seemed like she'd be on the bottom of that short list since apart from backing Tara Reid's sexual assault allegation, she called out Biden during the debates for his stance on busing. Back in the 70's, Biden was vocally against the policy. Even though Harris recalled the story that she was bused to school as a little girl, desegregating schools by shuffling kids to other counties was very unpopular in Black communities. Many parents felt sending kids outside of their neighborhood left them feeling disconnected. In 1977, the Supreme Court determined that busing across district lines was unconstitutional.

In 2010, a little known Kamala Harris was running for District Attorney in California against three-term incumbent Steve Cooley. Ballot harvesting was not widely employed back then, but rumors circulated that Harris's team conducted mail ballot operations. The morning after the election, Cooley had won by a razor thin margin of less than a percentage point. Harris refused to concede. In the following weeks mail-in ballots were counted and contested in counties that were favorable to Harris. The final tally had Harris in the lead by 0.8% giving her the victory.

This election will see 80 million mail-in votes cast with ballot harvesting efforts underway in full force. Hillary Clinton publicly advised Biden "not to concede under any circumstance." She urged teams of supporters to work the polls and declared that eventually Biden will win. Unless the results are a landslide, the outcome will likely be contested for weeks, maybe months. Perhaps Kamala Harris was picked for her expertise and experience with data mining ballots for votes.

Harris certainly was not selected for her stellar knowledge of American history. During the vice presidential debates, she recalled a story that Abe Lincoln opted not to fill a seat on the Supreme Court prior to the election. Quoting Lincoln, Harris said,

"The American people deserve to make the decision about who will be the next president of the United States, and then that person will be able to select who will serve on the highest court of the land.”

Harris's history lesson was a fitting cautionary tale for the rushed appointment of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, just eight days before the election. The only problem with this anecdote is that it's completely false. Lincoln couldn't have filled the vacancy on the court prior to the election since Congress was in recess until December. I’m surprised that Kamala didn’t mention all the other things Honest Abe did along with waiting until after the election to submit his nominee. Lincoln also wanted to get rid of the filibuster, pack the court, and spring for college and healthcare for people who walked into the country from Guatemala. He was an advocate for limiting the clip size in automatic weapons as well as spoke out about Global Warming in the Gettysburg Address which he delivered while wearing a mask.

As the election neared, the polls consistently showed Biden leading Trump, sometimes by double digits, even though Biden sometimes says incoherent things reminiscent of Ralphie's father wrestling with the furnace in A Christmas Story. The news media by and large refuses to pose any real questions to Biden even though it is unlikely that as the Leader of the Free World the foreign press and other heads of state will treat him so tenderly.

The other day Biden was buying ice cream at a local stand. Instead of quizzing the former vice president on the email which refers to the "big guy" receiving $10 million from a Chinese investment firm, a reporter asked him,

"Mr. Biden! What flavor did you get?"

Biden briefly studied his cup before he summoned,

"We got one vanilla, one chocolate. I wanted to get what we call a black and white."

A this point one of Biden's handlers can be heard saying,

"Oh, please no."

Biden continued,

"We're gonna move it, you know split it."

Thank God he didn't say that he puts the chocolate on the bottom and the vanilla on the top because that’s the way they always did it in Scranton.

I know Trump says far worse things, and his tweets make even his ardent supporters cringe with anticipation, but at least he's intelligible. Michael Moore gets it better than all of those who can't seem to get past the President’s orange hue. Sure, when Trump dances to the Village People’s YMCA, he looks like he’s flossing his head, but that doesn’t make him a white supremacist. Moore states that "Biden is pretty much doing what Hillary did" while referring to Trump as "smarter than all of us." The Democrats expect a different outcome after moving further left of the lessons learned in 2016 when people didn’t actually vote for Trump; they voted against Hillary.

How will history recall these events? It takes time but eventually an investigative journalist will unearth the truth. That’s how we know that the Civil War was really fought over women's reproductive rights.

Editor’s Note: People did not vote for Biden either; they voted against Trump. As in 2016, hate won out.

Debatable Outcome

The first presidential debate of 2020 last week was best described as Bizarro World’s version of the Ice Capades. History does seem to be playing on a continuous loop. Trump reminded me of Dan Quayle during the vice presidential debates in 1992 when Quayle told Al Gore to inhale after repeatedly asserting,

“My turn!”

Biden was reminiscent of Admiral James Stockdale, Ross Perot’s bewildered running mate, who opened with,

“Who am I? Why am I here?”

Trump was prepped by none other than the former governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who advised the President to pants Biden if he strays from the lectern. After the debate, Christie said Trump “was too hot” for his numerous interruptions even though Christie showed Trump how to properly execute a weapons grade wedgie. All the President had to do is let Biden drone on about his 110 page plan Bernie Sanders co-wrote since by the third sentence he would’ve been talking about cockroaches, the blonde hair on his legs and loading spaghetti sauce with forklifts. Trump interrupted him so frequently he never gave Biden a chance to drift to that special place where the former Vice President cavorts with his childhood Pooh Bear.

Biden answered very few questions. Instead, he mostly looked into the camera and told the American people to vote. Admittedly, Biden did assert that he was the leader of his party more forcibly than Trump denounced the Proud Boys, a male-only organization that derives its name from the tune, Proud of You Boy, featured in the animated Disney musical, Aladdin. Like the President, I never heard of the Proud Boys before, and I doubt a group named after a song from a Disney cartoon are much of a real threat.

Trump erroneously thought the debate would be like one of his midwestern rallies attended by people taking a break from shooting hogs from a helicopter with an AR-15 to convene on the tarmac of the local airport and listen to the President credit his administration with saving Jesus from crucifixion. There was no screaming crowds waving signs of support like,

Combine Harvester Mechanics

for Trump

The President was expecting everyone in the audience to yell and scream in support even though moderator, Chris Wallace, told the audience at the onset to treat the debate like an Amish funeral. Instead of his mostly reserved family in the audience, Trump should’ve handpicked a few of his rally attendees, preferably those who spend Friday nights swinging from a rope tied to the bucket of an excavator as they soar over lukewarm, pea-green pond water.

Trump interjected more times than a Fox opinion anchor plugging their latest book. The President even interrupted Chris Wallace's verbose questions. Wallace seemed like he aspired to the presidency himself instead of settling on the salutatorian of the Sean Hannity Conservatory. Wallace even rolled out the tired old Charlottesville “both sides” quote and made Trump yet again explain himself. Biden thought they were talking about the Joni Mitchell tune and broke into song,

Rows and flows of orange hair

And ice cream castles in Pelosi’s lair

And pony soldiers everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

Not to be outdone Trump dove in,

But now they only block the gun

They complain and snow everyone

So many things I would have done

But Schiff got in my way

Trump took the next verse too,

I've looked real loud from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's Russian collusion I recall

I really don't know Putin at all

Biden cleared his throat then crooned,

Moons and Junes and CornPop fears

The racist things I sometimes sneer

As every sniff of shoulder length hair

I've looked at girls that way

Wallace jumped in for the next verse confirming the rumor that he secretly shits in Sean Hannity’s bathroom and doesn’t flush,

But now it's just another show

I leave 'em gagging when I go

And if you dump, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

Trump grabbed the next verses,

Impeached by clowns from both sides now

From Schumer to Romney, and still somehow

It’s Teflon Don I recall

I really won’t ever go at all

Germs and firms and feeling proud

To say "I love me" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and casino crowds

I've looked at life that way

Biden pointed to himself and belted,

But now old friends say I’m acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but Harris gained

It’s warming more every day

I've looked for life from both sides now

From shut up and clown, and still somehow

It’s all illusion I can’t recall

I really don't know where I am at all

All three brought it home with,

We’ve looked at polls from both sides now

From win and lose, and still somehow

It’s disinformation we recall

We really don't know truth at all

So who won the first presidential debate? Many news outlets were quick to declare Biden the victor mainly because the bar was set so low. Biden's entire campaign was concerned that he was going to excuse himself for the bathroom only to return with his shirttail poking out his fly and toilet paper streaming from his shoe. Biden refused to answer Wallace's question concerning his party's push to get rid of the filibuster and pack the Supreme Court. He responded that whatever position he takes "that'll become the issue." I think it's already an issue since some in his party want to pack the senate by granting statehood to Puerto Rico and Washington DC and pack the country by granting citizenship to millions of undocumented pole vaulters.

Gone was any of the wit Trump unloaded on Hillary in the 2016 debates. Neither candidate delivered a single, notable quip. The most memorable moments in past debates were always those that made us laugh like in 1984 when Ronald Regan responded to concerns that at the age of 73, he was too old to run for president,

"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponents youth and inexperience."

Or in 1988 when Lloyde Bentsen responded to Dan Quayle's claim that he had as much experience as JFK,

"I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.”

Since neither candidate entertained us with memorable zingers, I have to declare Chris Wallace the winner. Wallace maintained marginal control wedged between two enormous egos and Biden’s also. His questions were often pointed and nearly as long as either candidate’s answers. Also, his hair looked good.

I’m hoping next time we’ll have less squabbling and more clapback. Maybe then people might get enthusiastic enough to vote for someone other than a third party candidate who is on the ballot in only one state. When a live presidential debate is less interesting than reruns of reality TV, you know it's time to reimagine the process of selecting the leader of the free world.

Space Farce

Space Force Insignia

Say what you want about the President, he does have some good ideas like removing massive regressive regulations that were strangling small businesses. He also renegotiated awful foreign trade deals made by stupid elected officials, who were selected for the task because they played golf with the president. Although many people openly oppose his immigration policy even my most liberal friends don't want open borders, and none of them want to pay for the healthcare of people who crawled under a fence or overstayed a visa. One idea that came from the White House recently which I don't agree with is the establishment of a sixth branch of the military, the US Space Force, the mission of which is to protect our interests in space.


Space Force Uniform

I think all this hype about unleashing our military might in orbit is just capitalizing on the release of Halo on Steam. Do we really need a bunch of people that are tasked with killing people in space? After the US Space Force tweeted a photo of their uniform many asked why the force combatants are clothed in green and brown camouflage? Officials with the Space Force promptly tweeted that service members were ground based and wore the same uniform as everyone else to save taxpayer dollars. I'm sure a gold sparkly space suit complete with silver helmet would cost way more than standard issue fatigues. Let’s face it. The Space Force is going to be the geek military. They want "space operators" to blend in with the rest of the military because most of them spent high school with their underwear rocket rammed up their rectum. Blending into the crowd is not a covert operating mode for the Space Force. It's the way unsocial nerds navigated high school.

 

Storm Trooper

I would prefer the Space Force to take on the Imperial Storm Trooper's uniform. I know they were the bad guys, but in those threads they at least look tough enough to defend space. If we are going to form a military to protect our oil reserves by killing things in space, they ought to at least look the part. With the Space Academy on the moon and a Spartan II program designed to produce genetically modified palookas, we'll be safe here on earth. We'll need to juice the Space Force because most of the members will be recruited from Best Buy's Geek Squad.



Pioneer 11 Plaque

I think Bill Nye should be tasked as the first Sky Marshal to lead the Space Force. He'll understand how to direct his people against the aliens that are going to follow the map on the plaque that Carl Sagan insisted scientists install on Pioneer 11 showing how to get back to earth. Aliens will be expecting a smiling, waving naked dude and his naked girlfriend as well as a few hydrogen atoms here on earth, but instead they'll be dealing with the US Space Force when they get here. Hopefully some members of the Space Force will be trained to kill goats with their minds.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in a strong military. I just think the Space Force is a stupid idea. I suspect no one ever tells Trump when he’s wrong like the way everyone always agreed with George Lucas which is how we ended up with Jar Jar Binks in Episode I – The Phantom Menace. The Space Force will certainly be the ultimate sequel to Star Wars. Just think of the endless possibilities for Legos!

Trump's Greatest Weakness

"What is your greatest weakness?"

This is perhaps the dumbest question asked by interviewers trying to pry a secret out of you. Some common answers are,

"I work too hard."

"I care too much."



And my favorite,

"I'm a perfectionist."

That question is up there with,

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Once on an interview I answered,

"Trudging to my desk in a cube farm with no windows, then I win the lottery."

I didn't get the job. Bunch of stiffs.

President Trump

CNBC moderator Carl Quintanilla asked the "greatest weakness" question during the third republican debate held in Boulder on October 28, 2015. He could have asked what each candidate planned on doing about the $23 trillion debt the country is in, or how they would've handled the Iranian nuclear program. Instead, Quintanilla unloaded the stupidest question on the panel of would be nominees. Trump answered,

"I trust people too much, and when they let me down, if they let me down, I never forgive. I find it very, very hard to forgive people that deceived me."

This has me worried. Back in 2006 I was writing Amazon reviews. I was preoccupied with raising my rating so I wrote lengthy critiques of technical books that I read. I gave up when a friend trounced my rating by writing reviews of thong calendars. One of my reviews was a praise of David Hasselhoff's album, David Hasselhoff Looking For... The Best. Admittedly the only song I ever heard The Hoff sing was Hot Shot City. Most of the reviews included the line,

"Hot Shot City is particularly good."

I chose to focus my review on OJ Simpson, Neil Diamond, the Donald and his second wife, Marla Maples. Here it is.

5.0 out of 5 stars Musical Miracle  Musical Miracle

By Robert M. Languedoc - June 30, 2006 

Finally, an uncompromising set of the best of David Hasselhoff on one CD. Hasselhoff had the misfortune of debuting his musical career on June 17, 1994, the same day OJ took a drive on the LA freeway with Al Cowlings. Unfortunately the latter event stalled Hasselhoff's singing career since people were more interested in watching The Juice hide on the floor of his white Bronco while holding a gun to his head instead of the pay-per-view show, "David Hasselhoff and his Baywatch Friends," broadcasted from the sometimes bankrupt Trump Castle in Atlantic City. I was one of the few who watched Hasselhoff's musical extravaganza including the unforgettable duet, "If I Were a Carpenter," with Marla Maples, a sometimes wife of Donald Trump. Hasselhoff is in the same league as Neil Diamond with similar range, feeling and hair. His "Miracle of Love" CD didn't set any sales records, but in my opinion is one of the greatest musical masterpieces overlooked by the music industry, consumers, critics, stores, radio and just about any device that can produce sound.

I'm in big trouble. Who knew The Donald would be president someday? The only thing worse would be President Hasselhoff. To my defense the review is accurate. Hasselhoff's singing career was derailed by OJ Simpson, the only good thing that came out of the OJ murders. I know Trump is often up late on social media so I'm sure he'll stumble across my Amazon review sooner or later. I'm done for. I would like to change my answer to where I see myself in five years.

Cellmates with Bernie Madoff.

The Worst Thing

Recently a long time friend visited me in our home. Politically he is very progressive so I wasn't surprised when he announced,

"No talking politics."

I'm a registered Democrat that voted for Bill Clinton and Obama, but I am against the impeachment of Trump as earnestly as I was against that of Clinton. I wrote a few pieces that have been deemed "pro Trump" because in the eyes of a liberal if you don't think Trump deserves thumbscrews for his tweets alone, then you're a fascist. Over dinner my friend started talking at me that "Trump told us to kill Mexicans" and how he wants to "ban all Muslims from the country."

"You probably are one of those people who benefits from the tax breaks he gave to the wealthy," he reasoned.

There was no reason to explain that I live in a state in which the local tax was impacted by the Trump tax cuts resulting in marginal tax relief. The real benefits from the Trump presidency came about from deep cuts in regressive regulations which spurned on the economy bumping up all of our 401(k)s. The same thing happen in the 90's when Clinton listened to Alan Greenspan who urged him to lower short term interest rates. I wasn't going to argue that point because my friend switched from lamenting about Trump to grandstanding about global warming. It didn't matter that in college he picked a major which specifically avoided math and science, we were all going to die in twelve years.

"I'll tell you why I hate Trump," he elaborated, "he's nothing but a bully who calls people names. He's a jerk. He's stupid. He's an asshole."

I braced myself for a lengthy discussion on foreign and domestic policies, but instead what I got seemed like to me was a whole lot of name calling followed promptly by labels.

"He's a racist. He's fascist and a misogynist."

I came to realize when my friend said he didn't want to talk politics what he really meant was that he didn't want me to talk about politics. He finished with,

"He got impeached for the worst thing a president has ever done."

That got me thinking and surfing because I wasn't getting a word in between the bites of the steak I grilled, what was the worst thing a president had done?

Nixon

Tricky Dick

Sure, everyone knows that Nixon would have been impeached for covering up the break in and bugging of the Democratic National Committee headquarters by five operatives. As Watergate loomed over the president, he resigned. Many of you probably don't know that Nixon also closed the destroyer base in Newport, Rhode Island in retaliation for not carrying the state in the 1969 election. That made the traffic jam caused by closing two lanes on the George Washington Bridge by staff members for then New Jersey governor, Chris Christie, for not getting an endorsement from the mayor of Fort Lee look like a schoolyard spat.

During Nixon's presidency Congress was embroiled in the Koreagate scandal which involved bribery by South Korean political figures seeking influence from Democratic members of Congress. A South Korean businessman, Tongsun Park, agreed to testify in exchange for immunity that he personally disbursed cash to 30 members of Congress. Ten legislators were implicated, most of whom resigned. Others were censured and reprimanded. One was sentenced to thirty months in federal prison.

Nixon also pardoned Jimmy Hoffa who was serving a 15 year federal prison sentence for jury tampering and fraud.

Ford

Mr. Nice Guy

Ford did a good job as president considering no one ever voted for him. As the House Minority Leader he took over as vice president when Spiro Agnew resigned after being investigated for criminal conspiracy, bribery, extortion and tax fraud as the governor of Maryland. Agnew pleaded no contest to tax evasion. When Nixon resigned, Ford assumed the presidency. One of the first things he did as commander in chief was pardon Nixon.

Ford was a big guy who was actually quite athletic. He could out ski his secret service detail. His reputation as a klutz arose from the time he fell down the steps of Air Force One.

The Gipper

Reagan

Reagan was an actor, turned Governor of California, turned President of the United States. During his second term as president, senior administration officials secretly facilitated the sale of arms to Iran which was the subject of an arms embargo. Reagan's administration used the proceeds of the weapons sale to fund the Contras in Nicaragua in violation of the Boland Amendment. When responding to investigators, Reagan said that he couldn't recall or didn't remember 88 times. It was probably true since years later we learned that he was suffering from Alzheimers while in office.

The Porcelain Bus Driver

Bush 

The first President Bush exercised the presidential right to squash investigations when he pardoned Reagan's Secretary of Defense, Casper Weinberger, and several others involved in the Iran Contra scandal. Lawrence Walsh, the special prosecutor stated at the time that the president's actions were intended to derail an investigation that could have implicated Bush in criminal activities.

In January of 1992, Bush threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, Kiichi Miyazawa, during a state banquet.

 Clinton

Slick Willy

Apart from being impeached for perjury and obstruction of justice for lying to federal investigators about his involvement with a 22 year old unpaid intern, Clinton was accused of rape by Juanita Broaddrick in 1978 when he was the Attorney General of Arkansas.

While in the White House, Clinton sold overnight stays in the Lincoln Bedroom in return for political campaign contributions. In August 1996, the Center for Public Integrity released a multi-page report written by Margaret Ebrahim called "Fat Cat Hotel: How Democratic High-Rollers Are Rewarded with Overnight Stays at the White House." The report examined the connection between stays in the Lincoln Bedroom during the presidency of Bill Clinton and financial contributions made to the Democratic Party as well as to Clinton's presidential campaigns. The media widely published a Democratic National Committee memorandum concerning people who contributed money annotated by Clinton who wrote,

"Yes, pursue all 3 and promptly - and get other names of the 100,000 or more (dollar contributors). Ready to start overnights right away - give me the top 10 list back, along with the 100."

U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno squashed any attempts at investigating the matter. During the 2000 presidential election debate the Republican nominee, George W. Bush, said,

"I think they’ve moved that line the buck stops here from the Oval Office to the Lincoln Bedroom."

Bush

Dubya

George Bush committed our military to a war with Iraq by sending Secretary of State Colin Powel to the UN to deliver a speech erroneously claiming that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Powel ignored repeated evidence that his statements were false and the intelligence he was given was faulty. Congress never investigated Powell's misstatements even though he said,

"My colleagues, every statement I make today is backed up by sources, solid sources."

Bush told reporters that one reason he wanted to get Hussein was because,

“He tried to kill my dad.”

Carter

President Malaise

Jimmy Carter is a mild mannered former naval officer and peanut farmer from Georgia who is still involved with his church and Habitat for Humanity. His administration was overshadowed by the Iranian Hostage Crisis in which students demonstrating outside of the US embassy in Tehran stormed the complex and took ninety people hostage including 66 Americans. Iran detained the majority of hostages for two years.

During the final days of the 1980 election, the Debategate political scandal broke. Somehow President Carter's top secret briefing papers used in preparation for the upcoming debate with Ronald Reagan were acquired by the opposition team. The leak of campaign documents was not divulged to the public until late in June of 1983 after the publication of Laurence Barrett, Gambling With History: Reagan in the White House, an expose of the first two years of the Reagan administration.

Wilson

Schoolmaster of Politics

Wilson was a Democrat who served as the 28th president from 1913 to 1921. He had a lot of radical ideas for his time like lowering tariffs and attempting banking reform, but one of his most unorthodox views was his belief in eugenics, the science of controlling human breeding in favor of desirable characteristics. In 1911 as the governor of New Jersey he signed a sexual sterilization bill into legislation. Under the law criminals or adults considered to be "feeble-minded" could be forced to undergo sterilization. There weren't any reason to worry about abuses because as part of this legislation Wilson was also responsible for appointing a board of examiners who would determine who ought to be sterilized under the new law. The courts eventually struck down the act on the grounds that it was inhumane. During his presidency Wilson signed into law an act that permitted forced sterilization of "degenerates." The Eugenics Movement grew in popularity during Wilson's presidency.

Grant

Unconditional Surrender Grant

Grant led the Union Army during the Civil War. As president he worked on the reconstruction of the south while having to deal with corruption in his administration. Criminal activity in the executive branch became so widespread that several of Grant's cabinet members and other appointees had to resign or were outright fired.

For some reason Grant didn't like Asian women. In 1875 President Grant delivered the Seventh Annual Message to the United States Senate and House of Representatives in which he affirmed the United States stance regarding the immigration of women originating from the Far East. He said,

"While this is being done I invite the attention of Congress to another, though perhaps no less an evil, the importation of Chinese women, but few of whom are brought to our shores to pursue honorable or useful occupations."

Grant signed the Page Act on March 3, 1875 barring Chinese women from emigrating to the United States.

Arthur

The Dude President

Chester A. Arthur was the 21st president serving for one term in 1881 to 1885, two months after James A. Garfield succumbed to an assassin's bullet. Building on the Page Act, Arthur extended the ban on immigration to include men as well with The Chinese Exclusion Act which Arthur signed into law on May 6, 1882. The act prohibited all immigration of Chinese laborers.

Arthur had his own birther controversy in 1880 when a New York attorney, A. P. Hinman, claimed Arthur was a British subject born in Canada to an English father and an American mother. He actually heralded from Vermont. To support his claim, Hinman presented an elaborate story of Arthur's British and Canadian lineage. A New York Sun investigative reporter researched Hinman's tale and published a complete refutation the day after Arthur took the oath of office.

Calvin Coolidge

Silent Cal

Coolidge was the 30th president who served two terms during the roaring twenties. He succeeded to the presidency upon the death of Warren G. Harding but was elected in his own right in 1924. As a small government conservative Coolidge said very little and had a rather dry sense of humor. An apocryphal story was told in Coolidge's time that a person seated next to him at a dinner party told Coolidge,

"I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you."

He replied, "You lose."

The poet, writer, critic, and satirist, Dorothy Parker, upon learning that Coolidge had died, reportedly remarked,

"How can they tell?"

Coolidge often seemed out of place among fashionable Washington society. When asked why he continued to attend so many of their extravagant dinner parties, he replied,

"Got to eat somewhere."

Coolidge is known for The Immigration Act of 1924 which was a United States federal law that restricted immigration from Africa and outright banned it from Arab and Asian countries. The act also provided funds for a law enforcement branch to carry out the longstanding ban on other immigrants. The purpose of the law was "to preserve the ideal of U.S. homogeneity." Congressional opposition was minimal.

After dinner my friend reminded me that although he was a registered Democrat he always votes his conscience "like all learned people do" as he put it. In his younger days he cast a ballot for the second George Bush because "he's the kind of guy you could have a beer with." That in itself didn't bother me except when you think about it that means he also voted for Dick Cheney.