Government Geek Squad



Putin and Obama

President Obama stated recently that the US would launch a cyber attack on Russia for their involvement in hacking emails that benefitted Trump in the recent election. His saber rattling included the warning that our cyber attack would occur "at a time and place of our own choosing."

I wonder what President Obama plans on doing to Russia with a government sanctioned cyber attack? First off, we should send Putin a penis enlargement email. Then we should call him on his cell phone three times a day from places like Munson, Ohio, and tell him that he was selected to receive a free trip to the Bahamas, or qualifies for a reduced rate mortgage. Then, he can get a phone call saying the IRS is suing him.

Obama's Deputy National Security Advisor, Ben Rhodes, said.

"I don't think things happen in the Russian government of this consequence without Vladimir Putin knowing about it."


Oliver North

Things of consequence happen all the time here, and our leaders are unaware of what is going on. In late 80's, Olivier North, a National Security staffer, was involved in a US plan to sell guns to Iran with the profits going to the Contras, a right wing militant group, in Nicaragua. Ollie was charged with lying to Congress over the subsequent investigation. President Reagan, on the other hand, testified that he hadn't a clue that weapons were being sold to Iran even though there was an arms embargo in affect. During his eight hour deposition, the President said 88 times,

Ronald Reagan

"I can't remember," or "I don't recall."

So unlike Russia, our President is often conveniently clueless. Obama suggested that the Russian hacking only benefited Trump. He said,

"They understood what everybody else understood, which was that this was not good for Hillary Clinton's campaign."

Maybe that was because the emails released by WikiLeaks, were from Clinton's campaign chairman, John Podesta, and indicated that Hillary requires 21 approvals to issue 140 characters or less on twitter. The emails also revealed that Clinton occasionally received debate questions in advance. In another email exchange, the campaign rejected 84 possible slogans including,

"America Gets Strong When You Get Ahead"

"You Deserve Other People's Money"

"Real Hair You Can Believe In"

They settled on "It's MY Turn." It's unfortunate that we need Russian cyber geeks to finally get the truth out. In a bit of middle school bravado, Obama indicated that US cyber capabilities are quite advanced. He said,

"The United States retains significant, extensive cyber capabilities that exceed the capabilities that are wielded by any other country in the world."

This shows how naïve Obama and his team are. Taunting cyber geeks is asking for trouble. If we really do have such an extensive cyber capability, can they stop the incessant cell phone spamming we all get daily? I, for one, can't wait to hear of our proportional response by our US backed cyber geek squad. Maybe a viral video on YouTube of a Putin lookalike wiping out on a slip and slide. Or perhaps Putin's head on the Dancing Baby. Or a photoshopped picture of Putin checking out Christine Aguilera's cleavage.

The possibilities are endless.

Kim Jong-Phat

Supreme Leader
Kim Jong-un

I read an article today that North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un, is being body shamed in China. Chinese citizens are calling him "Jin San Pang" loosely translated, "Kim Fatty the Third." I guess one billion Chinese people figure if we can mock retired neurosurgeon, Ben Carson, for his theory that pyramids were build by Joseph for grain storage, then they can call out Kim Jong-un for too many dog burgers. Yes, it's true. Koreans eat dogs, which they call "sweet meat."

The Chinese government has suppressed this latest expression of ill will towards the supreme leader. Geng Shuang, spokesman for the Chinese Foreign Minister, said during a news conference,

"We disapprove of referring to the leader of any country with insulting and mocking remarks, except, of course, Trump."

Chinese officials probably filtered out anything to do with the 2016 election from their version of the internet. Since the 1970's communist China has been embracing capitalism by opening up the country to foreign investment and allowing individuals to operate businesses for profit. It has spurned on the Chinese economy, the largest in the world. It also gave the Chinese people something to do because what they're not doing is playing hide the dragon.

In 1980 the Chinese government introduced a family planning policy to stem population growth by allowing only one child per family. Despite the Chinese proverb "women hold up half the sky" the Chinese government preferred boys to hold up all of it. Thirty-five years of offloading girls onto the United States for adoption has led to a 40 to 1 male to female ratio in China. Good thinking, Mao. 

The Latest in
Muslim Fashion

Women are stabilizing influences in society. Whenever women are suppressed, civilization becomes unglued. Just look at the Middle East. Each country that rolls out the latest style trends in burkas becomes a paranoid controlling society. Iran used to be a progressive nation before the Shah was overthrown by the Ayatollah Khomeini who singlehandedly destroyed the Iranian fashion industry.

Many totalitarian nations segregate adolescent boys and girls. I think forced separation causes men to mentally flameout. Just look at prisons. It's a bad idea. Even the rigid Catholic Church has quietly relaxed its position on schools segregated by gender. The clerical braintrust at the Vatican probably came to the groundbreaking conclusion that "segregation in schools makes men gay." I think the single biggest problem in the Middle East is that men are forcing woman to cover up their lady parts. It's bad enough that Arab men don't learn how to talk to women, but the best they can hope for is a glimpse of a woman's ankle. That's why when coalition forces popped off a senior al-Qaeda leader, they found Sleepless in Seattle in his movie collection. It's kind of sad. The dude was a hopeless romantic, and I mean hopeless.

So now we have millions of Chinese men who are faced with the cold hard fact that there're no women in their country to marry, and the prospects aren't looking good. Naturally when men don't get any, they get aggressive so Chinese men take up making sport of Kim Jong-Chunk. They all got a good laugh out of it until the Chinese government took that away too.

Donald and Dennis

Kim Jong-one is regarded as divine by the North Koreans. They believe he could drive by the time he was three years old. Everyone in the country voted for him in the general election. He has never taken a crap or urinated. His father wrote 1,500 books while in college, and invented the hamburger. I think that's amazing since I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't learned to drive until he was five.

I, for one, think Kim Jong-un is probably a nice guy. He's friends with Dennis Rodman and has a kick ass haircut. If the Chinese need a leader to poke fun at then let them go after Trump. He's friends with Tom Brady who didn't even vote for him which had to be very deflating.

The Chinese should be the last ones to fat shame. Not after the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing when the Chinese government in attempts to make the country appear more sophisticated banned spitting on the sidewalk and profanity near the Olympic venue. They don't have to do that in North Korea mainly because food is so scarce that hawking up a loogie is considered lunch. The air pollution around Beijing is so bad that India and Mexico offered assistance.

Dennis Rodman described Kim Jong-bun as "a best friend for life." Rodman has given several interviews in which he has revealed some of the details of his visits with his totalitarian BFF. Sure, it's in our best interest to gather whatever intelligence we can get on a country with the largest standing army in the world, but I would like to know if it's true that the North Korean leader has never taken a dump.

It's no surprise that Kim Jong-Phat is getting tight in the collar. All those noodles have to go someplace. I guess Rodman is not going to pick up any toilet paper Sudokus for his best friend any time soon.

I'm Voting For...

Trump and Clinton

Earlier in the summer, it was amusing to watch Trump hash it out among seventeen bewildered republican candidates. Trump interjected a certain level of uncertainty and unpredictability to guarantee a laugh now and then. As the election season wore on, my amusement began to wane.

It all started when Carly Fiorina put out a video about dogs that was meant to show her more gentle side. There's no doubt in this country that dogs are more popular than humans so a video of a stiff like Fiorina playfully interacting with canines should've helped her image. In the clip, Fiorina exclaimed,

Carly Fiorina

"A dog is sad when you're gone."

Unless Fiorina had a session with Sonya Fitzpatrick, the pet psychic, I'm not sure how she knew that a dog was sad when you leave. The video went from awkward to weird when Fiorina admitted to eating milk bones as a child. That explains a lot. She even bit into a milk bone on camera. I wasn't laughing anymore after I watched that video. I was scared. These people weren't just nuts, they were crazy.

Then we got down to the wire, and Ted Cruz was left to hash it out with the Donald. Cruz is a Christian, junior senator from Texas who looks a little like Elmer the Bull. He had once eagerly read Green Eggs and Ham on the senate floor as part of a filibuster over the Affordable Healthcare Act, even though a vote had already been scheduled. So technically his marathon 21 hour talk hadn't an actual purpose.



Ted Cruz

He refused to endorse Trump at the Republican convention, stating you should "vote your conscience" after he pledged in writing to do so. Recently, he reversed his stance "after many months of careful consideration, of prayer and searching my own conscience." It must have been the praying that was so time consuming because searching his conscience probably took just a few minutes.

So we forged ahead into the debates which admittedly I initially found amusing. The name calling and accusations brought me back to middle school. We didn't have all this anti bullying agenda we have today. Bullying was a way of life back then. We learned how to behave from shows like Happy Days, a sitcom set in the 1950's where the main characters were split between the cool kids, Richie and Fonzie, and the nerds, Ralph Malph and Potsie. We watched the various actors, all pushing thirty, play high school kids, who endlessly belittle each other, call each other names and accuse each other of maleficence. The debates were just like that, except there was no laugh track.

Just when it seemed things couldn't get weirder, Trump's incessant accusation of voter fraud prompted Russian officials to request to monitor the elections. Three states turned down scrutiny by Russian diplomats. Trump is really accusing the media of bias and not state officials of misconduct because the media keeps printing articles like the recent one in which porn star, Jessica Drake, claimed Trump inappropriately touched her.

Trump's behavior has been off the charts, but it's hard to believe a professed germaphobe, who hates shaking hands and went on the record, years ago, that he vetted woman for HIV and STDs before dating them, would pay a porn star $10,000 for sex. At a news conference, Drake claimed she and two friends met Trump in his room where "he grabbed each of us tightly in a hug and kissed each of us on the lips without asking for permission." She claimed Trump was in a bathrobe. I don't buy it.Trump wouldn't touch a porn star with a stick while wearing a full body condom.

Gary Johnson

So I came to the conclusion that I was going to throw away my vote on a third party candidate. You know, the dudes who don't get invited to the debates. I first checked out the Libertarian Party candidate, Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico.

The Libertarian Party believes the government is too big. We used to talk about the government being too big back in the 80's. For example, the Department of Commerce has about 45,000 employees. That's the size of a large company. As far as I can tell, the Department of Commerce performs two essential functions. They maintain the Department of Commerce webpage, and they calculate the Gross Domestic Product (GDP), an indicator of the economic performance of the country. The GDP should not be confused with the Gross National Product (GNP), also known as the Gross National Income (GNI). These metrics are used by our elected officials to convince people that the economy is doing fine even though we have a Gross National Debt (GND) of $20 trillion.

Anyway, this video of Johnson is just strange. At first, the reporter seems to think he's having a stroke, then when she rules that out, she appears to be concerned for her own safety. Johnson was trying to make the point that he could do anything, even stick his tongue out on national television and still dominate the debates. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Back in 2004, the one time governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, trying to summon some campaign

Howard Dean

momentum at the Iowa Democratic caucuses, let out an exuberant scream during a rally. His so called "I Have a Scream" speech tanked his bid for the presidency because he appeared odd and too unpresidential. Fast forward 12 years later to Gary Johnson's tongue out interview which comes off nothing short of downright insane. Pack it in Gary. That was crazy.

Then I moved to the Green Party candidate, physician Jill Stein. The Green Party is all about "eco socialism" and grassroots democracy. Stein is running on a policy that the government should bailout the $1.3 trillion in college debt through quantitative easing, a complicated monetary policy employed by our elected officials when they run out of money because they gave out too large a tax break to toy wooden arrow makers.

Jill Stein

I'm not sure what quantitative easing is, but Stein's interpretation is to print up $4 trillion of "free money" and hand it out to millennials who spent the last four years goofing off while earning degrees in anthropology, philosophy, fine arts, and other useless degrees. Hopefully, quantitative easing will also provide them with a job in the Department of Commerce helping with the GDP calculation because if you draw a circle around their education and another around jobs, they intersect at "bagging groceries."

Stein is also a member of the folk rock band, Somebodies Sister, playing the guitar and the conga and djembe drums. Not surprisingly, she's in favor of legalizing marijuana like most people that play percussions in a band. While I don't think Jill Stein is crazy, she's a little too much of a product of the 70's for me.

Chesley Sullenberger
and Tom Hanks

I've decided I'm voting for a write-in candidate because I can't find a third party candidate to waste my vote on. I've been encouraging people to write in Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenberger III. He was portrayed by Tom Hanks in the namesake movie, Sully. Hanks is my favorite actor, and Sully is my favorite person after my wife, of course. I'm going to write in Hanks as Vice President.

Come on, admit it. Given the chance, you'd vote for them too.


Editor's Note: Voting for a write-in candidate that has not filed Federal Election Commission Form 2 within fifteen days of becoming a candidate will result in your vote not being counted.

So Long, Loki

There are terrible things going on in the world, earthquakes, terrorism, famine, flood, pestilence. Nothing comes as close to the one thing that gets me down more than anything else. You guessed it; Taylor Swift broke up with Tom Hiddleston. What next, I ask you?

Taylor Swift

I don't get it. He wore that "I ❤️ TS" shirt this summer. I know Hiddleston is British and all, but he has to understand that when you do something like that over the Fourth of July in this country, that means something. I think Tom is a bit of a prat. Not only would I have never taken a part as Thor's evil, adoptive, brother, I would never be photographed at 35 years old wearing a "I ❤️Anything" T-shirt. I'm sure it was Taylor's idea. She probably gave it to him as a reward for rearranging her stuffed animals.

Still yet, don't they understand how hard this is on people like us? I have to change up again! I just got used to Calvin Harris, a dude whose real name is "Adam." He chose "Calvin" as a stage name presumably because he thought it was smashing which will give you an idea where his head is. Calvin is a Scottish deejay and an on again, off again underwear model. He said all the publicity being with Taylor was hard on him. Rubbish! I think being in your skivvies on a 62 foot billboard in Times Square with your bollocks on display is slight more dodgy than dating TayTay. What a wanker!

Calvin is probably a Sean Connery fan because Connery is the most sober thing that came out of Scotland in decades. This was bad news for Taylor. Connery, you might remember, told Barbara Walters a few decades back,

"It’s not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then."

Now, I shouldn't stereotype. Not everyone from Scotland is a drunken wife beater. That's more like Ireland.



Calvin Harris

Just when I was getting used to Calvin being around, Taylor ships him back to the high country with some bad blood over collaboration on Rihanna's smash hit, This Is What You Came For. I'm not sure what went down, but the best I can tell is somebody named "Nils Sjoberg" claimed that Calvin said Taylor wrote the song. Then Calvin wasn't supposed to say anything, but he did anyway, or something like that.

So now, the news media is saying that Taylor and Tom were worlds apart, hers in Rhode Island and his in London. True, London is no Rhode Island, but you'd think that social media would have helped them stay connected. I mean they got 140 characters on Twitter. Isn't that enough? Or is it the "me" generation always wanting more?

Then, Kanye goes all aggro again. What I learned from that episode is that "bitch" and the n-word are terms of endearment in hip hop. Often, the latter is a racist slur that gets you kicked off the planet. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow. She tweeted the name of a song that used the n-word in the title, and was immediately called out on social media. It's all very complicated.

I also learned about "Amber Rose," but I'm not sure who she either. She did something on YouTube; I think the first double backflip on a BMX bike. She also married, had a kid with, then divorced a rapper named, Wiz Khalifa, who, I understand, is quite popular even though his stage name is synonymous with a nature call.



Kanye West

Taylor be ass out when it comes to presenting Kanye with the Video Vanguard Award at the same award ceremony in which he unloaded his 40 ounce rant in support of Beyoncé. Kanye's latest revelation is that he’s green with people who think he should "take down Taylor." Kanye needs to step down from his "thrown" and reassess his goals in life. A guy who wants to be the Man in 2020, who can't spell and needs to smoke reefer to get through his announcement speech, calls a female recording artist a "bitch." Even Trump can't pull that one off.

Whatever the case may be, Taylor needs to shake it off and regroup. Thank God Harry Styles is unavailable. I thought Tom was a keeper when I got one look at that "I ❤️ TS" shirt, but maybe he was really saying he liked taco salads. That would make more sense. John Mayer would've never worn a shirt like that. It wasn't Loki's finest hour, let me tell you.
 

Tom Hiddleston

The fact is Tom was a transition boyfriend. Transition guys take all the abuse that should have been dumped on the previous dude, all while not getting a fraction the last guy got. They also don't get any songs written about them either. He reminds me a little of Prince Charles except slightly more pathetic. I still can't see dumping Diana for Camilla Parker Bowles who in the 80's looked like ten miles of Mick Jagger. Tom will soldier on in the way that the British always do. He'll get over Taylor by summiting a peak or something.

Taylor will be okay. She's got plenty of friends, money and cats to get her through this latest breakup. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. What are we to do? We're not British anymore so we can't find solace in being the first to do something, and collectively we all have less friends, money and cats than Taylor.

Brilliant, you all!

Weekend at Hillary's

Hillary’s recent health issues have been made more evident by the videos that have surfaced showing the secret service ushering a stumbling Clinton into a waiting van. It was reminiscent of the movie, Weekend at Bernie’s, in which two employees must convince the world that their deceased boss is still alive. Hillary was clearly shaky, needed support and looked like she might not be counted in the census anymore.

Running for the nation’s highest office is demanding with all the public appearance, speeches, debates and opportunities for the media to photograph you with a something hanging from your nose. It’s tough enough shaking all those hands at 68 on top of being two sneezes away from brunch with Jesus. So Hillary picked up a touch of pneumonia at Ground Zero. Initially, her camp said she was overcome by the heat. Or maybe, she ate one of those wieners that the street vendors sell in New York City. Whenever I eat one, I swear you can hear your arteries hardening. It's like corn growing.

In 1841, William Henry Harrison, also 68 years old, caught a cold at his inauguration that developed into pneumonia. He handed in his dinner pail shortly thereafter. A decade later Zachary Taylor fell ill from cholera and clocked out of life in a record five days. With all the medical advancements today, being the Leader of the Free World while also being sick as a dog is no big deal. Just look at Dick Cheney. He had his fourth heart attack shortly after the polls opened in 2000. He served eight years as Vice President without a hitch, then he went hunting with a few of his buddies. He ended up shooting his friend in the face. It's ironic that a dude who has his own saddle for the pale horse nearly killed a guy.

It makes me wonder why people who are certainly on their last hundred or so breaths would want to take on a relatively low paying, high stress job. Ronald Regan at 73 was the oldest person to run for office. We later learned that he was likely suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers during his final term. I think the narcissism of these people is so extreme that they would soldier on through enormous pressure just to be the top dog. I wonder if the first George Bush thought being Commander in Chief was a fun job when he fell ill on a trip to Japan and hurled executive orders into the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Hillary's coughing fit, just a few days ago, was painful to watch. If you've ever had to publicly speak with a piece of yarn caught in your throat then you know what she was going through. She just kept coughing and pointing, then coughing more, then drinking water. When she tried to talk that just made it all worse. Somebody gave her a little throat lozenge which she squirrelled away without a word because all she could do is point and cough and drink. I was afraid that all that water was going to overwhelm her Depends.

 

It's entirely possible that like the film, Weekend at Bernie's, Hillary isn't alive, and that her team has been carting her around to all these events for years to make it appear she's still with us. Maybe she didn't pass out at home and hit her head but instead passed away. It makes a lot of sense. Her coughing fit was just a ruse to eat up the clock. The private email server was how her team answered her emails. Not only was she asleep during the Bengazi attack, she was taking a dirt nap. This is also why Bill has had so many girlfriends. As he puts it,

"I ain't cheating on ma wife. The bitch is dead."

It's also why she does so poorly in the debates. She even lost a shoe in this latest incident that had to be recovered by the New York PD. Did you ever wonder why her team hides her away for weeks at a time? Not to mention all this talk of body doubles. Bill once referred to Hillary as "frigid." Who knew he meant it literally?

Choosing the president is a difficult task made even more harrowing when the candidates are senior citizens. As the rest of us get older and start developing unrealistic phobias like a fear of beards, presidential candidates seek more decision making opportunities, more pressure. Just when they're incapable of putting on their socks by themselves, we turn to them to decide what to do in the Middle-East. When what type of cornflakes to choose in the morning is a difficult decision, we want them to turn around a slumping economy. When they start referring to their little dog as their "favorite grandchild," we ask them to fix healthcare. When Social Security needs shoring up, we look to them, even though they can't open a jar of pickles. We want affordable housing, healthcare, medication and tuition and they want cheap dentures. We throw the toughest challenges faced by the country at them just when they're challenged by a flight of stairs, and we're surprised when they make a mess of it all.

I just hope Hillary got her shoe back.

Huma Weiner Calls It Quits

The longtime right hand woman to Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin, has called it quits on her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In 2011, Weiner, a congressman from New York, resigned from the House amid allegations that the newly married congressman sent pictures, bare chested in his underpants, to some woman following him on twitter. Some of the pictures looked like Weiner had a Ronco Pocket Fisherman in his BVDs. After brushing off the incident as a computer hack, then a joke, Weiner eventually fessed up and apologized to his wife. Abedin was pregnant at the time, and while it wasn’t the best thing that could have happened, I can see why she stuck it out. Her boss, Hillary Clinton, encouraged her to reconcile which considering the details of Bill’s extramarital hijinks, Weiner’s pictures in his skivvies where almost not worth mentioning. He paid heavily, though, for the impromptu Calvin Klein shots with his seat in congress.

During the 2013 mayoral race in New York City, Weiner sent another batch of scratch and sniff photos to Sydney Leather, a 22 year old woman from Indiana. During a news conference, Weiner expressed regret for his actions. Huma was by his side, ready to forgive him once again. His wife exhibited more restraint than a Catholic, and people think Muslims are extremists. Weiner used the alias “Carlos Danger” while sexting. Carlos was defeated drawing less than 5% of the votes which is not surprising since in an earlier election bid, he lost the party nomination to a write in candidate.

Recently, more of Weiner’s selfie stick pictures surfaced, this time one which included his toddler son. Prior to this one picture, most of Weiner’s questionable selfies, described in the media as “sexually explicit,” were bare chested pics of Weiner flexing in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger pose. A few of the underwear shots clearly show that he's locked and loaded. I read that there is one bare ass shot out there, but I didn’t search online long because I don’t want the US PRISM surveillance network recording in a database that I was looking intently for a picture of Anthony Weiner’s ass.

I, for one, am very disappointed. When Abedin and Weiner announced their engagement, I had high hopes for peace in the Middle-East. The way I figure it, if a proud, educated, Muslim woman, raised in Saudi Arabia could marry a Jewish kid from Brooklyn, then just maybe I would be able to tick off visiting the pyramids from my bucket list. But, just like peace in the Middle-East, it never lasts.

Bill Clinton officiated their wedding in 2010. I imagine during the ceremony, Bill talked about the sacrament of marriage, fidelity, discretion, and keeping sexting to a minimum. His “I Met a Girl Speech” he delivered at the DNC left out all the other girls Bill met over the years. And some people say gays are making a mockery of marriage.

The news media has reported that "sources close to the Clintons" say that Hillary and Bill have had enough of Weiner. I think the source might be Bill Clinton’s busty, Chappaqua neighbor, girlfriend who the Secret Service codenamed the “energizer.” Apparently “E” and Bill play hide the Cuban whenever Hillary is on the campaign trail. Weiner commenting on Trump said,

“…a lot of people... say to me, ‘Boy, compared to inviting the Russians to come hack someone’s email, your thing seems almost quaint.’”

Well, maybe compared to Bill’s thing, Weiner’s thing seems quaint.

I have to concede that Trump was right. When Weiner was running for mayor, Trump was very vocal saying that Huma should jump ship. He explicitly stated that Huma should get out of there before Weiner does it again. Recently, Weiner said that he would come out of retirement from politics to run against Trump for mayor beating him like "a rented mule." Weiner would have to gain a party nomination first before he could go head to head against Trump. Weiner discussing rented mules will certainly make voters uneasy. If pictures surface of Weiner and animals in his underwear with Lieutenant Dan standing at attention, then I don't think he could beat Martin Shkreli, the former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

You know, you don’t have to be Theresa Caputo, channeling Gandhi to predict that Weiner wasn’t going to give up his publishing career. After resigning from congress, the dude had way too much free time on his hands, not to mention access to computers. Just as Bill Clinton in his advanced age continues to perform the disappearing cigar trick when Hillary is on the campaign trail, Weiner continued his quaint hobby while his wife accompanied her.

Maybe, Hillary will be next. Women tend to divorce in groups. I think it has something to do with sharing pictures of food on social media, but I could be wrong. I think Huma and Weiner were doomed from day one. They had the whole Palestinian / Israeli conflict working against them, they were married by the world's leading womanizer whose fan club president is Charlie Sheen, she never took his last name because it's a colloquialism for “penis,” and Huma is way better looking than Weiner.

Bill better look out. If Hillary starts posting pictures of treacle tarts on social media, he’ll be next. In fact, if Hillary unloads Bill before the election, I’ll vote for her. Then at least we won’t have to decide what to call him. He’ll be the First Gentlemen, you know.

At least half of that is right.

Ozzy's Revelation

Ozzy

First off, Ozzy’s real name is John. Recently, Ozzy revealed that he's addicted to sex and apologized to "all the woman" he used to satisfy his lust. I would have focused on apologizing to just my wife, but today when you publically mess up it’s important to apologize to as many people as soon as possible. His long time wife, Sharon, announced that at 67, Ozzy is finally getting treatment for sex addiction. Good for him.

This raises some questions. What exactly is the treatment for sex addiction? How do I make sure I don't inadvertently get any? Does it involve pictures of nuns? Sharon also added,

“He should call Tiger Woods for some advice.”

I would love to be privy to that conversation.

Tiger: “You got to follow through on your stroke.”

Ozzy: “But sometimes I get hung up in the rough.”

Tiger: “Always insist on a shave first.”
Ozzy: “Shave? Are we talking about golf here?”

Ozzy probably thought,

“And to think all these years, I thought I was just shagging groupies."

I might be going out on a limb here, but I think all men like sex. Rock stars like Ozzy just have a greater opportunity than, say, your average accountant. Many aging rock stars, who are getting a little crusty around the edges, probably still get their share of groupie wild nights. Just ask Mick Jagger. Ozzy’s mistress, Michelle Pugh, a celebrity hairstylist, believes Ozzy might have misled her with his intentions. She describes herself as “inspired by rock and roll as much as she is by nature.” If you draw a circle around the words “rock and roll” and “nature,” they intersect in one place at Ted Nugent.

Ozzy bit the head off a dove, and then later a bat, and I forgave him for that. Once, Ozzy used a shotgun to dispatch stray cats that had scratched his wife’s Mercedes, and I stayed mum. He pushed a fifty inch television set out a ninth floor window of a hotel, and I turned a blind eye. He cheated on his wife numerous times, and once again I looked the other way. He peed on the Alamo, which crosses the line for me. We all have our limits.

The Alamo

My real problem I have with Ozzy is that his music sounds like the record is spinning on the wrong speed, a little like Alvin and the Chipmunks, just darker. Ozzy's lyrics usually embrace difficult subjects like teenage suicide. Problem is he encourages it. The little ditty, "Suicide Solution" has the lines,

"Where to hide, suicide is the only way out."

"Don't you know what it's really about?"
 

Keep in mind that Ozzy is not unloading these lyrics on the brain trust of our society. His fans were once young now middle-aged, impressionable, unemployed, satanically bent, potheads with no direction who will likely live in their parent’s basement forever. Sure as the name implies, they don’t call it Black Sabbath for nothing. Ozzy is a shuffling contradiction. He is a member of the Church of England, but his followers are predominantly Satan worshipping, nutjobs. I don’t think the Black Sabbath concert attendees care much for the quality of the music. I often wonder who these people are that adore Black Sabbath. They bring road kills to concerts that they toss onstage. Ozzy apparently encourages this. It’s the next level of Gallagher. One guy brought a slaughtered cow head. There’s always one overachiever. I wonder if security had to wand the cow head to make sure it was safe to bring into the concert hall.

I wish Ozzy well, I guess. At 67, a dude that is still firing off rounds is great news for all us aging males. You go John, bite heads off animals, make televisions fly. Just stop peeing on the Alamo, will you?

Swim Fight Club

 

Lily King of the United States bested her Russian rival, Yulia Efimova, proving once again that capitalism with its too big to fail, special interest, organized labor and government bailouts is a far better system than communism. The King / Efimova story has all the elements of a classical drama, good versus evil, democracy versus communism, truth versus fiction and nice personality versus hot model.

America likes an underdog and Lily King is certainly that. King is the finger wagging, freshman Olympian who is an outspoken critic of performance enhancing drugs. She’s open about the finger flaunting not being a celebration of a first place victory, but instead a condemnation of her rival who was suspended for an earlier drug test. For some time now, the chief export of Russia has been hot, female, mediocre tennis athletes. Efimova is the swim version of the same state policy except she’s far from mediocre especially when she’s hopped up on Lance Armstrong’s mega shake. She is the reigning Russian world champion even while serving her 16 month suspension. She also popped positive just before Rio, but the charges were mysteriously dropped.

This didn’t sit well with Lily King. After King defeated Efimova in the 100m breast stroke and both swimmer’s extensive digital back and forth, King said,

“You’re shaking your finger ‘No. 1’ and you’ve been caught drug cheating. I’m not a fan.”

She also added, “It’s incredible, just winning a gold medal, and knowing I did it clean.” King also admitted to reporters “People probably think I am serving it up a little but, that is just how I am. That’s just my personality. I’m not this sweet little girl, that’s not who I am.”

Apparently, redemption and forgiveness is not who King is either.

Efimova medaled twice with silver in Rio, and King with two golds. (During the Olympics is the only time "medal" is a verb.) Efimova quipped at one point after being booed as she entered the arena,

"I thought the Cold War was over."

What Lily King does not understand is that it’s never a good idea to rub it in even when you’re in the right. The Olympics used to be about international magical cooperation. Or was that the Tri-wizard Tournament? My bad. At a press conference, King announced that she was returning to Indiana University to finish her Physical Education degree. I'm sure there is a middle school in Ohio that can't wait for King to graduate. Efimova should have made an obtuse remark like,

"Oh, Phys Ed? When I'm done with Rio, I'm doing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover."

I often wonder how you get a four year college degree in physical education. Are the rules to dodge ball that complicated? King probably aced Kinesiology and Ethics. A quick online search indicates that there are actual PhD programs in physical education. Can you imagine being a Doctor of Gym? How does one come up with original physical education research? That must be the hard part.

Yulia Efimova

Americans may like an underdog, but they like people who are hot even more. Studies show that attractive people are hired sooner, paid more, promoted more frequently, more likely to be believed, and are more likely to be forgiven. No one is sure why Efimova’s charge of illegal substance use was dropped just before the Olympics. I’m sure after careful consideration the committee agreed that Efimova looked great in those swimsuit pictures. Yulia Efimova got into swimming to escape the First Chechen War. Lily King took up swimming because she had nothing to do on Friday nights. Did I mention the online swimsuit pics?

Efimova claimed that King made her entire Olympic experience a “nightmare.” I’ll tell you what a real nightmare looks like, waking up in a crummy town in the midwest as a Phys Ed student with a major superiority complex. Sorry. I just can’t get those swimsuit pictures out of my head. Efimova also claimed that she was unaware of how she popped positive on the drug tests. She should have blamed the whole drug thing on a late night dip in that green pool in Rio. She could have said,

"I never should have swam in there naked."

That would have kept social media busy for weeks. Efimova should leak some seductive photos to lead the American people away from the drug scandal. I think one side boob and a nipple slip should do the trick.

Phelps Smashes Leonidas of Rhodes 2168 Year Record



 

It was bound to happen with today's innovations in spandex and Gator Aide. Michael Phelps, the man a little more at home in Shamu's pool at SeaWorld than his home town of Baltimore, finally has more Olympic medals than anyone else. He trounced Leonidas of Rhodes long time record.

Leonidas was not a swimmer like Phelps. He was a talented runner like Bruce Jenner, before Bruce went through menopause. Unlike runners today, Leonidas ran his heats in the buff. All olympians competed naked in those days. I can’t image running a road race in the nude under the hot summer sun, let alone wrestling, but that’s the way they did it. Nudity was the fashion statement in athletics in ancient Greece. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word “gymos” which means “buck naked.” I'm sure the taunting back in those days must have been awful. There was probably a lot of anatomical shaming to psych out your opponent. Say what you want about the ancient Greeks, they sure knew how to have fun.

Phelps has size fourteen feet so not surprisingly he excels at swimming having what is best described as two flippers to propel his six foot four frame. He also benefits from a whole host of technology not available in Leonidas's time like Advil and Tommy Copper to name a few. Ironically cupping therapy, the Phelps go to treatment for muscle pain, was around in Leonidas era. It dates back to 400 BC when it was used in Greece by Hippocrates, who came up with a moralistic oath sworn by all doctors today that states a doctor shall not order unnecessary tests just to run up the bill. 

Leonidas probably required a good cupping session after competing in the Hoplitodromos, a 800 meter run in full armor. He medaled several years in a row in the "hoppy" as they used to call it. Actually, Leonidas never got a single medal. Back in his day, they gave out wreaths that the Olympians wore on their heads. Leonidas "wreathed" in other running events, namely the Stadion and Diaulos, events equivalent to the 200m and 400m of today, except that after crossing the finish line the winner was expected to endure a congratulatory knee to the groin from every competitor. The Spartans were even tougher than the Greeks. Not only did they regard helmets as an unnecessary nuisance in battle, when they crossed the finish line, they kicked themselves in the nuts.

Leonidas probably did not get the kinds of lucrative deals modern day Olympians enjoy today although he did land an exclusive sponsorship for the wheel. Phelps on the other hand was picked up by Speedo, Under Armor and Cheech and Chong's Bong Magic.

All records are there to be broken. Leonidas of Rhodes had a good run. It was probably a little easier to get away with doping in Leonidas's day, but it was much harder to win. Just imagine running with a metal helmet with no foam padding under the hot sun while carrying a fifty pound bronze shield that your penis keeps banging into. Makes a swim competition look like a leisure activity.