Government Geek Squad



Putin and Obama

President Obama stated recently that the US would launch a cyber attack on Russia for their involvement in hacking emails that benefitted Trump in the recent election. His saber rattling included the warning that our cyber attack would occur "at a time and place of our own choosing."

I wonder what President Obama plans on doing to Russia with a government sanctioned cyber attack? First off, we should send Putin a penis enlargement email. Then we should call him on his cell phone three times a day from places like Munson, Ohio, and tell him that he was selected to receive a free trip to the Bahamas, or qualifies for a reduced rate mortgage. Then, he can get a phone call saying the IRS is suing him.

Obama's Deputy National Security Advisor, Ben Rhodes, said.

"I don't think things happen in the Russian government of this consequence without Vladimir Putin knowing about it."


Oliver North

Things of consequence happen all the time here, and our leaders are unaware of what is going on. In late 80's, Olivier North, a National Security staffer, was involved in a US plan to sell guns to Iran with the profits going to the Contras, a right wing militant group, in Nicaragua. Ollie was charged with lying to Congress over the subsequent investigation. President Reagan, on the other hand, testified that he hadn't a clue that weapons were being sold to Iran even though there was an arms embargo in affect. During his eight hour deposition, the President said 88 times,

Ronald Reagan

"I can't remember," or "I don't recall."

So unlike Russia, our President is often conveniently clueless. Obama suggested that the Russian hacking only benefited Trump. He said,

"They understood what everybody else understood, which was that this was not good for Hillary Clinton's campaign."

Maybe that was because the emails released by WikiLeaks, were from Clinton's campaign chairman, John Podesta, and indicated that Hillary requires 21 approvals to issue 140 characters or less on twitter. The emails also revealed that Clinton occasionally received debate questions in advance. In another email exchange, the campaign rejected 84 possible slogans including,

"America Gets Strong When You Get Ahead"

"You Deserve Other People's Money"

"Real Hair You Can Believe In"

They settled on "It's MY Turn." It's unfortunate that we need Russian cyber geeks to finally get the truth out. In a bit of middle school bravado, Obama indicated that US cyber capabilities are quite advanced. He said,

"The United States retains significant, extensive cyber capabilities that exceed the capabilities that are wielded by any other country in the world."

This shows how naïve Obama and his team are. Taunting cyber geeks is asking for trouble. If we really do have such an extensive cyber capability, can they stop the incessant cell phone spamming we all get daily? I, for one, can't wait to hear of our proportional response by our US backed cyber geek squad. Maybe a viral video on YouTube of a Putin lookalike wiping out on a slip and slide. Or perhaps Putin's head on the Dancing Baby. Or a photoshopped picture of Putin checking out Christine Aguilera's cleavage.

The possibilities are endless.

Weekend at Hillary's

Hillary’s recent health issues have been made more evident by the videos that have surfaced showing the secret service ushering a stumbling Clinton into a waiting van. It was reminiscent of the movie, Weekend at Bernie’s, in which two employees must convince the world that their deceased boss is still alive. Hillary was clearly shaky, needed support and looked like she might not be counted in the census anymore.

Running for the nation’s highest office is demanding with all the public appearance, speeches, debates and opportunities for the media to photograph you with a something hanging from your nose. It’s tough enough shaking all those hands at 68 on top of being two sneezes away from brunch with Jesus. So Hillary picked up a touch of pneumonia at Ground Zero. Initially, her camp said she was overcome by the heat. Or maybe, she ate one of those wieners that the street vendors sell in New York City. Whenever I eat one, I swear you can hear your arteries hardening. It's like corn growing.

In 1841, William Henry Harrison, also 68 years old, caught a cold at his inauguration that developed into pneumonia. He handed in his dinner pail shortly thereafter. A decade later Zachary Taylor fell ill from cholera and clocked out of life in a record five days. With all the medical advancements today, being the Leader of the Free World while also being sick as a dog is no big deal. Just look at Dick Cheney. He had his fourth heart attack shortly after the polls opened in 2000. He served eight years as Vice President without a hitch, then he went hunting with a few of his buddies. He ended up shooting his friend in the face. It's ironic that a dude who has his own saddle for the pale horse nearly killed a guy.

It makes me wonder why people who are certainly on their last hundred or so breaths would want to take on a relatively low paying, high stress job. Ronald Regan at 73 was the oldest person to run for office. We later learned that he was likely suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers during his final term. I think the narcissism of these people is so extreme that they would soldier on through enormous pressure just to be the top dog. I wonder if the first George Bush thought being Commander in Chief was a fun job when he fell ill on a trip to Japan and hurled executive orders into the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Hillary's coughing fit, just a few days ago, was painful to watch. If you've ever had to publicly speak with a piece of yarn caught in your throat then you know what she was going through. She just kept coughing and pointing, then coughing more, then drinking water. When she tried to talk that just made it all worse. Somebody gave her a little throat lozenge which she squirrelled away without a word because all she could do is point and cough and drink. I was afraid that all that water was going to overwhelm her Depends.

 

It's entirely possible that like the film, Weekend at Bernie's, Hillary isn't alive, and that her team has been carting her around to all these events for years to make it appear she's still with us. Maybe she didn't pass out at home and hit her head but instead passed away. It makes a lot of sense. Her coughing fit was just a ruse to eat up the clock. The private email server was how her team answered her emails. Not only was she asleep during the Bengazi attack, she was taking a dirt nap. This is also why Bill has had so many girlfriends. As he puts it,

"I ain't cheating on ma wife. The bitch is dead."

It's also why she does so poorly in the debates. She even lost a shoe in this latest incident that had to be recovered by the New York PD. Did you ever wonder why her team hides her away for weeks at a time? Not to mention all this talk of body doubles. Bill once referred to Hillary as "frigid." Who knew he meant it literally?

Choosing the president is a difficult task made even more harrowing when the candidates are senior citizens. As the rest of us get older and start developing unrealistic phobias like a fear of beards, presidential candidates seek more decision making opportunities, more pressure. Just when they're incapable of putting on their socks by themselves, we turn to them to decide what to do in the Middle-East. When what type of cornflakes to choose in the morning is a difficult decision, we want them to turn around a slumping economy. When they start referring to their little dog as their "favorite grandchild," we ask them to fix healthcare. When Social Security needs shoring up, we look to them, even though they can't open a jar of pickles. We want affordable housing, healthcare, medication and tuition and they want cheap dentures. We throw the toughest challenges faced by the country at them just when they're challenged by a flight of stairs, and we're surprised when they make a mess of it all.

I just hope Hillary got her shoe back.