Ozzy's Revelation

Ozzy

First off, Ozzy’s real name is John. Recently, Ozzy revealed that he's addicted to sex and apologized to "all the woman" he used to satisfy his lust. I would have focused on apologizing to just my wife, but today when you publically mess up it’s important to apologize to as many people as soon as possible. His long time wife, Sharon, announced that at 67, Ozzy is finally getting treatment for sex addiction. Good for him.

This raises some questions. What exactly is the treatment for sex addiction? How do I make sure I don't inadvertently get any? Does it involve pictures of nuns? Sharon also added,

“He should call Tiger Woods for some advice.”

I would love to be privy to that conversation.

Tiger: “You got to follow through on your stroke.”

Ozzy: “But sometimes I get hung up in the rough.”

Tiger: “Always insist on a shave first.”
Ozzy: “Shave? Are we talking about golf here?”

Ozzy probably thought,

“And to think all these years, I thought I was just shagging groupies."

I might be going out on a limb here, but I think all men like sex. Rock stars like Ozzy just have a greater opportunity than, say, your average accountant. Many aging rock stars, who are getting a little crusty around the edges, probably still get their share of groupie wild nights. Just ask Mick Jagger. Ozzy’s mistress, Michelle Pugh, a celebrity hairstylist, believes Ozzy might have misled her with his intentions. She describes herself as “inspired by rock and roll as much as she is by nature.” If you draw a circle around the words “rock and roll” and “nature,” they intersect in one place at Ted Nugent.

Ozzy bit the head off a dove, and then later a bat, and I forgave him for that. Once, Ozzy used a shotgun to dispatch stray cats that had scratched his wife’s Mercedes, and I stayed mum. He pushed a fifty inch television set out a ninth floor window of a hotel, and I turned a blind eye. He cheated on his wife numerous times, and once again I looked the other way. He peed on the Alamo, which crosses the line for me. We all have our limits.

The Alamo

My real problem I have with Ozzy is that his music sounds like the record is spinning on the wrong speed, a little like Alvin and the Chipmunks, just darker. Ozzy's lyrics usually embrace difficult subjects like teenage suicide. Problem is he encourages it. The little ditty, "Suicide Solution" has the lines,

"Where to hide, suicide is the only way out."

"Don't you know what it's really about?"
 

Keep in mind that Ozzy is not unloading these lyrics on the brain trust of our society. His fans were once young now middle-aged, impressionable, unemployed, satanically bent, potheads with no direction who will likely live in their parent’s basement forever. Sure as the name implies, they don’t call it Black Sabbath for nothing. Ozzy is a shuffling contradiction. He is a member of the Church of England, but his followers are predominantly Satan worshipping, nutjobs. I don’t think the Black Sabbath concert attendees care much for the quality of the music. I often wonder who these people are that adore Black Sabbath. They bring road kills to concerts that they toss onstage. Ozzy apparently encourages this. It’s the next level of Gallagher. One guy brought a slaughtered cow head. There’s always one overachiever. I wonder if security had to wand the cow head to make sure it was safe to bring into the concert hall.

I wish Ozzy well, I guess. At 67, a dude that is still firing off rounds is great news for all us aging males. You go John, bite heads off animals, make televisions fly. Just stop peeing on the Alamo, will you?