A Fool and their Medium

 

A friend of mine recently returned from a local psychic reading for a small group of people. He said the medium told him things about his late parents that no one could have known. I asked if he filled out any paperwork before the event. He did, including "a prayer sheet" that he signed and addressed which contained, coincidentally, the same information that the medium was privy to. The psychic, a middle aged man, said the prayer sheets were burned in order "to send them to God." 

When I suggested that the dude probably used his sheet to garnish the information about his parents, my friend was incredulous. I'm pretty sure God doesn't need a return address to know it's you. I asked my friend if he was going to issue a formal announcement for the birth of another sucker? That's the way my generation talks to their friends.

Theresa Caputo

Theresa Caputo is the Long Island Medium and the star of the namesake reality television series on TLC. She's master class when it comes to cold readings, the art of extracting tidbits of information from simple questions. A typical reading goes like this.

Theresa: Has someone close to you died recently?
Sucker: Yeah, my father.
Theresa: Well, he's standing right next to you.

Oh yeah. If he's standing right next to me and talking to you, why didn't he just tell you his name? If Theresa said that your father, "Beowulf," is right there, and he forgives you for ruining his garden hose with a pitchfork when you were twelve, and she was right then that would be a different story. It doesn't take a lot of information to guess that someone likely lost a parent. Theresa sees a few age spots and grey hairs on you, and the next thing you know she's chatting with your dead mother.


Tyler Henry

Matt Laurer, the former host of the Today Show, once held a reading with Tyler Henry, the clairvoyant star of Hollywood Medium With Tyler Henry on the E! Television Network. Tyler is a young guy who believes that healing is possible through psychic readings. His clients are mostly celebrities. Tyler has been described as a "grief vampire" who exploits people who have lost a loved one. He does look a little like he walked off the set of Twilight with his strikingly fair complexion. Tyler should back off the Proactive.

Tyler was unaware who he was reading so presumably he couldn't research his subject in advance. He also had Laurer bring in something special to the person he wanted to contact, which was a pocket knife belonging to his grandfather. Tyler honed in on Laurer's father instead, saying he told him about fishing and golf and how he enjoyed both with his son. Laurer confirmed that these activities were favorite pastimes he enjoyed with his father. Laurer was so impressed, he said, "My hands were shaking."

How could Tyler have known these details about Laurer's father? The magic of the Internet, that's how. It took me five minutes to find a 2007 article in which Laurer reminisced about fishing and golfing with his late father. Although Tyler was unaware of who he would be reading, cold reading a celebrity is much easier than the general public since there is so much information readily available online about them. All you need to know is a little bit about a lot of famous people, and you too can be the next celebrity psychic medium. Don't forget the bucket of face cream.

Tyler directed the reading to Laurer's father and not his grandfather, the actual owner of the pocket knife, because he didn't know anything about his grandfather. Tyler justifies this by expressing that sometimes people other than the owner of the item "insist on making their presence known." Who knew the dead was so petulant? Tyler picks who is contacting you, and what they say which allows him to manipulate the entire experience. Now, if Tyler said that Laurer's father was disappointed that his son used his position on the show to sexually harass hordes of women, I would've been impressed, but apparently all Laurer's dad wanted to talk about was fishing and golf.

Not Sonya Fitzpatrick

Sonya Fitzpatrick is a British pet psychic who claims to have telepathic powers allowing her to communicate with animals. The Animal Planet cancelled her show, The Pet Psychic, due to low ratings primarily because the show was just plain stupid. A typical exchange with Sonya in her quintessential British accent went something like this,

Sonya: Has anything changed in his life?
Dumb Ass: Yeah, I got a new dog walker.
Sonya: He says his new walker doesn't give him enough time to pinch.
Dumb Ass: Pinch?
Sonya: Yes, you know, burning the bog sod, clotting the brown cream, laying a Lord Nelson, slapping gruel in Oliver's bowl.

The brilliance of Sonya's act is that no one can actually refute her unless, of course, they too can talk to animals. Along with being a female Doctor Doolittle, Sonya has expanded her repertoire as she discovered she had the ability to communicate with dead animals. She would cold read some sappy fellow, blubbering over his dead cat as he fumbles with Fefe's favorite pet toy, then tell him that his cat is happy in heaven and plays with other cats every day. Sonya might as well tell the dude that Fefe met Jesus, and he's much taller than depicted in all those statues in church.

Once, some guy brought in a lizard he wanted Sonya to talk to. The dude learns all sorts of things about the reptile like it's favorite color, that it prefers romaine lettuce, and it's a Bernie Sanders supporter. Who knew lizards were so opinionated? The part that gets me is that all these animals communicate in perfectly formed, grammatically correct sentences. When did the Animal Kingdom pick up the English language? When Sonya says that a dog told her "he feels badly about chewing the arm of the your favorite chair" is that her words or the dog's? Americans never use adverbs correctly. An American dog would say, "bad," not "badly." Apparently, the Animal Kingdom learns the Queen's English. If Sonya could really speak to a dog, she would more likely get,

"I want to go outside, outside, outside, now, now, NOW. Oops, I pee floor."

While Tyler Henry may be a "grief vampire," Sonya Fitzpatrick is a "grief werewolf."

Jeane Dixon

The late Jeane Dixon was a twentieth century, self proclaimed psychic and astrologer who had a syndicated column in which she made all sorts of predictions. She claimed that a traveling gypsy gave her a crystal ball as a child, and after reading her palm, revealed that Dixon would become a famous "seer" who would advise powerful people.

Most of her assertions missed the mark, but in 1958 she did predict the JFK assignation. She stated that the president would be "assassinated or die in office though not necessarily in his first term." She was half right. Dixon was a master at making sweeping predictions, then concentrating on those that came true. This began to be called "the Jeane Dixon Effect." She once incorrectly predicted the sex of the Canadian Prime Minister's unborn child. Fifty-fifty shot, and she got it wrong. She also said China would start World War III over a dispute about some islands. That didn't happen either. She predicted the Russians would win the space race, but that was wrong too. Good thing because if they did, Yuri Gotmitnikoff would have exclaimed as he stepped off the ladder,

"This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for the peoples of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."

Jeane Dixon obviously didn't understand basic manufacturing processes. It's doubtful that the former soviets could have ever beat us in a competition to build something as complex as a manned spacecraft bound for the moon. Fifty years later and the Russian's still can't make a car with a window you can roll down. Dixon appeared on Late Night with David Letterman in March of 1987. She was 83 years old and seemed frail, but still had all her marbles along with her crystal ball. Dave, who could sometimes get off script, seemed skeptical of Dixon's abilities. He asked her to predict the outcome of the Oscars. Dixon responded that the President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences told her,

"Don't you ever do that again because you change the outcome."

Dave went on to explain that the votes had already been cast, the winners already chosen. Dixon looked baffled as she said,

"What?"

Dave clearly expressing his disbelief replied,

"That's what I thought."

Self proclaimed psychic mediums exploit the collective gullibility of the masses. The fourteenth century poet and farmer, Thomas Tusser, wrote a famous saying about a fool and his money. Psychic mediums have turned that proverb into a business model.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on October 4, 2016.