Ok Spartacus

After Biden declared victory on Saturday night, I received my first text message from a liberal friend. Others soon followed. Mind you, these are the folks who said that under no circumstances were we to talk about politics. I obliged even though they occasionally expressed oblique remarks which any reasonable person would deem political nowadays. For example, one friend said,

"How can anyone deny science?"

It doesn't matter that my progressive buddies mostly avoided science in college, they are all willing to go to their rooms and wait for the scientists to tell them when it's safe to come out. If I could get a word in, I would explain that science involves the meaningful exchange of ideas, not a decree of veracity based on a degree of concurrence.

Most concepts which were once widely acceptance by the scientific community turned out to be altogether wrong. Just look at germ theory. In the past most medical experts believed disease spread by miasma, noxious foul air consisting of rotting organic matter. One got cholera or the Black Death from breathing "bad air." The idea was around since ancient times and persisted through to the late 19th century. It was so widespread that it was believed inhaling the odors of food caused obesity. Most Western cultures regarded "night air" as dangerous. Throughout the 1800's, the medical braintrust were split on the cause and spread of disease. Half believed that physical contact or contagion was necessary while the other half subscribed to miasma theory.

My liberal friends are certain that if we all strapped on masks and maintained six feet separation millions of lives would be spared because that's what scientist say. Biden said that he will follow the science, but a leader must assess input from scientists, economists, industry leaders and experts from academia and then make an informed decision. Some scientists ring the alarm bells to ensure funding as they know federal money is more likely granted to quell a pending catastrophe than it is to simply investigate a merely interesting phenomena.

When my progressive friends announced that we were not to discuss politics what they really meant was that I was not to discuss politics. It doesn't matter that I am a registered Democrat who voted for Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama. They can't imagine why I just don't hate Donald Trump like they do. I called foul on some of the things done to the President before he even took office. I actually read the Steele dossier which FBI Directory James Comey brought to Trump on his first day in the Oval Office. When I scrutinized the largely unverifiable document, it sounded like barroom bullshit to me. Recently we learned though handwritten notes of former CIA Director John Brennan that the whole Russian collusion narrative was cooked up by Hillary Clinton to deflect attention from her email server debacle.

In 2016, everyone thought Hillary was going to win with news outlets declaring a landslide and polls reporting favorable numbers. Comey must have figured he was ingratiating himself with the incoming president by investigating the Trump campaign. He probably soiled his Hanes when Trump won in 2016. The media went into overdrive pushing Russian interference as the main reason Hillary lost. Putin's misinformation campaign orchestrated on social media was nothing compared to voter's distain for Clinton. She repeatedly expressed that the election was stolen and that Trump was an "illegitimate president" because she simply can't accept the fact that she lost on her own demerits.

People in this country form opinions based on very little information. They don't research issues in depth by scouring multiple sources to separate fact from fiction. This is why social media is so good at spreading conspiracy theories. Even so, I am against censorship by Twitter and Facebook. I'll assess the veracity of the information myself. I don't need someone to do it for me. And in doing so and occasionally writing about it, I have drew the wrath of progressive woke crusaders who wield the sharpest weapon in their quivers, that is, the power to cancel.

At the moment more than half the ads for my blog for which I pay Google to run have been taken down for "Destination not working." Since I use Blogger, Google's blogging software, there is no legitimate reason as to why my posts shouldn't load on all platforms. One of my ads was rejected because the mobile version font was set too small even thought I use all the default settings in Blogger for all of my posts. I tried to get help from Google Support, but they just appealed the decision and sent it back into the policy management system which arrived at the same conclusions.

Sadly, all the ads for the political pieces I wrote were rejected on October 27 just before the election on the grounds that they contained "inappropriate content" under the "Sensitive events policy." The policy states that Google "will restrict content which references the candidates, the election, or its outcome." A year ago I wrote a comic piece entitled, "Trump's Greatest Weakness," in which I railed on OJ Simpson, David Hasselhoff, Neil Diamond and Donald Trump. The article was widely read until Google determined that it contained inappropriate material given the upcoming election.

I set out to write this blog to hone my skills as a humorist. Initially, I posted twice a week for a year, then settled on every Tuesday. I vowed not to accept ads in the text as I hate reading articles that require one to repeatedly dismiss popups for a George Foreman grill. When I started, I wrote mostly whatever I found to be funny, current events, celebrity news, and occasionally medical procedures my doctor insisted I undergo. I often wrote about my wife and our two sons. I have been advised to pull or sanitized some of my funniest posts as our culture collectively becomes more easily offended.

It's hard to be a humorist while always contending with righteous indignation. That's why a lot of professional comedians like Jerry Seinfeld refuse to perform on college campuses. If Michelangelo was worried about being cancelled, all the figures on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would be wearing clothes. Likewise while all the anti-bullying efforts have made the younger generations much nicer people, it does tend to dull the wit. For example, if Stanley Kubrick's iconic 1960 film was rewritten today the line,

"I am Spartacus!"

would be replaced with,

"Ok boomer."

My friends texted me in regards to the election to see if the declaration of Biden's impending victory somehow troubled me in some way. A few refer to me as a Trump apologist as Ben Stein was to Nixon, but like Alan Dershowitz, I believe in the Constitution and the rule of law. Too bad the distinguished Harvard law professor was dispatched by an accusation of sordid behavior associated with Jeffrey Epstien. As I believed before, I still believe now. We must rally in support of whoever is elected even if we don't agree with all their policies. And it doesn't matter if they use awkward words or exhibit absurd mannerisms anymore than it is a concern as to the color of their skin.

Even if orange.

Same Candidate, Different Election Day

Back in 2016, I wrote about the candidates that we were to select from in the upcoming election. I was especially interested in the third party nominees because I wasn't so sure about who the Republican and Democrat parties were pushing. Of course Donald Trump and Mike Pence beat out Hillary Clinton and some white guy she picked for a running mate. This past summer, I penned a guide to the 25 Democrat candidates vying for the White House. As all the people of color and women fell by the wayside, the last two standing were too old white guys. In the fall Bernie Sanders was almost fitted for a pine box as he was introduced to the words "myocardial infraction." Doctors slapped two stents into his clogged coronary artery, propped him up, then shoved him back into the fight. All Bernie's socialists ideas proved too radical for voters who settled on Joe Biden because he was widely regarded as an experienced centrist.

No one was more surprised than Biden when they told him that he had won. The first thing he said was,

"I call the Lincoln bedroom!"

His campaign advisers had to explain to him that he had just won his parties nomination, not the presidency and that the next step was to select a running mate who had to be a woke women. Later they further qualified the choice to a Black woke women which really pissed off Elizabeth Warren. She used to be a person of color until the results of her DNA test refuted her mammaw's family lore that although her grandfather had high cheekbones "like all of the Indians do," Warren is, in fact, not Native American.

The short list included California Representative Karen Bass, former National Security Advisor Susan Rice, Florida Representative Val Demmings and Senator Kamala Harris. All except Rice played significant roles in the House impeachment of Trump which made them look like they could take on the President. Rice had a role in the Russian collusion shit storm, the origins of which are being investigated by United States Attorney John Durham. Durham is known to be fair, impartial and unbiased, but I'm sure the mainstream media will describe him as "one of Trump's hired thugs" if his investigation implicates the Obama Administration for approving a plan to vilify Trump "by stirring up a scandal claiming interference by Russian security service" in attempts to deflect attention away from Hillary's private email debacle. 

Clinton repeatedly referred to Trump as an “illegitimate president” who colluded with the Russians to steal the election. She never exactly said what the Russians did except some vague remarks about false ads on social media. The Russians can’t make a car in which you can roll up the window, and we’re supposed to believe they used Facebook to change the outcome of the election? Now it’s Trump’s turn to claim the election was stolen and fraudulent.

Kamala Harris seemed like she'd be on the bottom of that short list since apart from backing Tara Reid's sexual assault allegation, she called out Biden during the debates for his stance on busing. Back in the 70's, Biden was vocally against the policy. Even though Harris recalled the story that she was bused to school as a little girl, desegregating schools by shuffling kids to other counties was very unpopular in Black communities. Many parents felt sending kids outside of their neighborhood left them feeling disconnected. In 1977, the Supreme Court determined that busing across district lines was unconstitutional.

In 2010, a little known Kamala Harris was running for District Attorney in California against three-term incumbent Steve Cooley. Ballot harvesting was not widely employed back then, but rumors circulated that Harris's team conducted mail ballot operations. The morning after the election, Cooley had won by a razor thin margin of less than a percentage point. Harris refused to concede. In the following weeks mail-in ballots were counted and contested in counties that were favorable to Harris. The final tally had Harris in the lead by 0.8% giving her the victory.

This election will see 80 million mail-in votes cast with ballot harvesting efforts underway in full force. Hillary Clinton publicly advised Biden "not to concede under any circumstance." She urged teams of supporters to work the polls and declared that eventually Biden will win. Unless the results are a landslide, the outcome will likely be contested for weeks, maybe months. Perhaps Kamala Harris was picked for her expertise and experience with data mining ballots for votes.

Harris certainly was not selected for her stellar knowledge of American history. During the vice presidential debates, she recalled a story that Abe Lincoln opted not to fill a seat on the Supreme Court prior to the election. Quoting Lincoln, Harris said,

"The American people deserve to make the decision about who will be the next president of the United States, and then that person will be able to select who will serve on the highest court of the land.”

Harris's history lesson was a fitting cautionary tale for the rushed appointment of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, just eight days before the election. The only problem with this anecdote is that it's completely false. Lincoln couldn't have filled the vacancy on the court prior to the election since Congress was in recess until December. I’m surprised that Kamala didn’t mention all the other things Honest Abe did along with waiting until after the election to submit his nominee. Lincoln also wanted to get rid of the filibuster, pack the court, and spring for college and healthcare for people who walked into the country from Guatemala. He was an advocate for limiting the clip size in automatic weapons as well as spoke out about Global Warming in the Gettysburg Address which he delivered while wearing a mask.

As the election neared, the polls consistently showed Biden leading Trump, sometimes by double digits, even though Biden sometimes says incoherent things reminiscent of Ralphie's father wrestling with the furnace in A Christmas Story. The news media by and large refuses to pose any real questions to Biden even though it is unlikely that as the Leader of the Free World the foreign press and other heads of state will treat him so tenderly.

The other day Biden was buying ice cream at a local stand. Instead of quizzing the former vice president on the email which refers to the "big guy" receiving $10 million from a Chinese investment firm, a reporter asked him,

"Mr. Biden! What flavor did you get?"

Biden briefly studied his cup before he summoned,

"We got one vanilla, one chocolate. I wanted to get what we call a black and white."

A this point one of Biden's handlers can be heard saying,

"Oh, please no."

Biden continued,

"We're gonna move it, you know split it."

Thank God he didn't say that he puts the chocolate on the bottom and the vanilla on the top because that’s the way they always did it in Scranton.

I know Trump says far worse things, and his tweets make even his ardent supporters cringe with anticipation, but at least he's intelligible. Michael Moore gets it better than all of those who can't seem to get past the President’s orange hue. Sure, when Trump dances to the Village People’s YMCA, he looks like he’s flossing his head, but that doesn’t make him a white supremacist. Moore states that "Biden is pretty much doing what Hillary did" while referring to Trump as "smarter than all of us." The Democrats expect a different outcome after moving further left of the lessons learned in 2016 when people didn’t actually vote for Trump; they voted against Hillary.

How will history recall these events? It takes time but eventually an investigative journalist will unearth the truth. That’s how we know that the Civil War was really fought over women's reproductive rights.

Editor’s Note: People did not vote for Biden either; they voted against Trump. As in 2016, hate won out.

Election Hero

Since today is Election Day, I'm reposting an article I wrote about the 2016 Presidential Election. The DNC funded smear dossier, compiled by the Queen’s former counter intelligence specialist Christopher Steele, which described how Trump, a germaphobe, watched two Russian prostitutes urinate on the bed the Obama's used on their official visit to Russia, hadn't yet surfaced. Hunter Biden had already been booted out of the Naval Reserve for testing positive for more drugs than Cheech and Chong combined, leaving him plenty of time to work on the board of a Ukrainian energy conglomerate. A Yale alumnus as well as the privileged son of a vice president, Hunter prepared for his recent no holds barred exclusive ABC News interview with Amy Robach by looking up where Ukraine is on the map and taking a sponge bath. Trump would eventually get ensnared in impeachment proceedings for asking the newly elected Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, if he could compile his own dossier on Joe Biden that included some tidbits like how much the Vice President tipped in restaurants and for lap dances. So let's go back to that simpler time.

_________________________

Trump and Hillary

The way this election is turning out this season, Kanye West in 2020 is looking pretty good. Our choices are the first women candidate who is a scheming, opportunistic career politician or a reality TV celebrity, billionaire businessman who's on his third wife. There are other party candidates which have as much chance of success as a Hall and Oats come back tour. Our system to elect a president has been so over analyzed and is wrought with so much scrutiny that the only people who would want to do something like that for so little scratch must be narcissistic nutjobs.

The late, John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth, the fifth human in space, winner of the Congressional Space Medal of Honor and Presidential Medal of Freedom, Marine colonel, four term Senator from Ohio, never ran for president because he was widely regarded as a poor public speaker and his eyes were too small. The oldest man to travel in space can't lead the country? Colin Powell, a four star general, Vietnam veteran, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under Presidents Bush and Clinton, Secretary of State, awardee of two Presidential Medals of Freedom, didn't run for President because the process would have put too much scrutiny on his wife who suffers from mental illness. When we set up a system that excludes highly qualified individuals based on irrelevant information, we get the junk candidates which we have today. By the way, Colin Powell was so popular he would have defeated Clinton in 1996 even with a first name that is a homophone for large intestines.

Hillary Clinton is a smart lawyer who gets in trouble when she talks unscripted. She said she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary even though he was an obscure climber who hadn't yet summited Mount Everest at the time of her birth. She claimed she had to run from sniper fire in Bosnia even though the video clearly shows her calmly greeting people as she walks with her daughter, Chelsea. Former NBC Nightly News Anchor, Brian Williams, took a beating for lesser misstatements. She claimed that the reason she had a private email server was so she could have one device for personal and private emails when in reality it was to maintain control over the content.

Recently, she said that she discussed it with Colin Powell who gave her the idea. Powell denied the conversation took place. I guess Hillary figured as long as George Bush could blame the weapons of mass destruction debacle on Powell, she might as well toss her little email screw up his way too. She suggested that Trump was unfit to run the economy when past elected officials have put the country $21 trillion in the hole. Her husband's "I Met a Girl Speech" at the DNC left out most of Bill's more Hollywood moments. It's hard to believe she might serve in the same office where that dress got stained. Bill followed with a tweet musing the first time Hillary heard him speak, he was saying how beautiful Arkansas melons were. She thought he was talking about fruit while Bill was speaking more in a mammary sense.

Donald Trump is a smart businessman who talks unscripted all the time, but gets into trouble when he speaks unfiltered. He took umbrage with the line of questioning from Fox reporter, Megyn Kelley, during the republican debates implying she was menstruating. He claimed a Mexican judge would be unfair in regards to his legal troubles. He responded to Marco Rubio when Rubio obliquely suggested Trump had a diminutive tool with a comeback more suited to a middle schooler than the Leader of the Free World. His simplified solution to undocumented immigration is to deport everyone who is here illegally to the other side of a big wall which he's somehow going to get Mexico to pay for. He mimicked a physically challenged reporter and criticized Carly Fiorina's face. I was waiting for him to say,

"She was good in Shrek."

Tapping into Dick Cheney's hunting experience, Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and not lose any votes. That's true only if he capped Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rife Association, who in a stroke of irony would fully support the shooting. His wife lifted a speech from Michelle Obama. If you're going plagiarize a speech by a First Lady, best pick one less popular (and less alive) like Nancy "Just Say No" Regan. Trump makes all sorts of bizarre faces and hand gestures which the news media often focuses on making him look more incontinent than competent. Trump proves that no amount of money or products can do anything for fundamentally bad hair. I doubt he'll ever learn that while it might be a great business trait to go for the jugular, it's not a good idea to do so on camera, at least in this country.

I have an idea. Let's forget about the election process all together and draft someone for president. We'll make it illegal to refuse. The first person we'll select will be Chesley Burnett Sullenberger III, the pilot who ditched a plane in the Hudson River, saving all 155 people onboard. He's a no nonsense national hero, Air Force veteran, author of books on leadership, an outstanding public speaker, and retired pilot. He's clearly good at thinking on his feet, unscripted with a judicious filter. His eyes aren't too small, and he's got a cool name not associated with digestion.

Sully

Sully is so truthful that while being interviewed by Katie Couric, she asked him if he took a moment to pray. Hillary would have said,

"I thought of Psalm 23:2, the one about green pastures and quiet waters. I recited it out aloud as I was delivering my life saving orders. I also sent an email on my private server to the Pope asking him to pray for us too."

Trump would have answered,

"Hey Katie, I'm flying a fucking plane here that I'm about to crash land in the Hudson two blocks from Trump Tower. I'm pretty much on my own. My copilot is low energy. Of course, I prayed. Are you menstruating or something?"

Sully answered, "I would imagine somebody in back was taking care of that for me while I was flying the airplane. My focus at that point was so intensely on the landing, I thought of nothing else."

Please Captain Sullenberger, save us all this time.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on August 30,2016.

A Guide to the Democratic Candidates

Now that the first Democratic debates are over, I'm certain that we've all learned a little something about each candidate. Currently, there are 25 confirmed presidential hopefuls, vying for an opportunity to trade insults with Trump. As I eagerly watched the debates, I was keenly focused on who had the best plans for the future of our nation.

While I occasionally write "pro Trump" pieces as described by my family and the few friends I have left, I'm actually a registered Democrat who voted for Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama. I was vehemently against the investigation and subsequent impeachment of President Clinton for lying about the cigar box he had in the oval office. Back then, my father argued that the president should be a moral pillar for the country while I was more practical. I was relieved that the guy with his finger on the nuclear button had the same finger in a pie. It was years later that I learned President Clinton actually lost the nuclear codes for months. I was just as much against special counselor Robert Mueller's investigation of Trump as I was opposed to Kenneth Star's investigation of Clinton. Using taxpayer funds to unleash a team of lawyers to look into anyone's background is just not a fair game. With enough money and time, twenty lawyers could likely unearth mud on the Virgin Mary.

Since I always vote in the primary, I need to know something about all these candidates. Some would have more success with a gun shop in Lancaster County than ever becoming president. So I'm focusing on just a few of the contenders for the 2020 Presidential Election.

Joe Biden

As the leader in the polls, Biden has a target squarely on his back. A former vice president and senator from Delaware, Biden stands out as a centrist except for how he behaves in picture opportunities with the wives and daughters of his colleagues. He has a long history of public service swaying moderate Republicans and independents as well as staunch bigots. At 76 years of age, some say he should heed his own words to "pass the torch." Biden has declared that he's "still holding onto that torch," but his outdated tactics of making young girls "feel comfortable" by trying to bury his head in their hair and kiss them gives me some good ideas where he can insert that torch. The video he put out mansplains that he believes governing is "about connecting with people." President Trump connected with a lot of women too, especially over furniture shopping.

To illustrate how ancient Biden's thinking is, he declared that as president, he'll "cure cancer." Back in the '70's, people used to think that all cancer was the same, and a single cure was possible. Today, we know that's just not the case. I think Joe Biden's expiration date has long passed.

Bernie Sanders

Sanders is the socialist senator from Vermont who owns three houses. Born in Brooklyn, he wants public college tuition to be paid for by taxpayers, which means we will all be complicit to the collective bad choices of millennials selecting useless majors. I wouldn't pay for my kid to get a degree in anthropology. Why should I pay for yours? Bernie also wants Medicare for all even though when they tried to do this in Vermont, the governor scrapped the idea because it was too costly and more complicated than setting up a Starbucks on Mars. At least Bernie admitted he would raise taxes on the middle class to pay for all of his bold, socialist ideas. He can be forceful and argumentative, but he seemed to fade in the latter half of the debate as the event pushed past his bedtime.

Elizabeth Warren

A senator from Massachusetts, Warren is a sometimes Native American, although she posted to her website a cringeworthy video femsplaining that she never benefitted from her phony minority status. Being from Tax-achusetts, most of her plans are going to be paid by a "wealth tax" levied against the handful of Americans making over $50 million and a special tax on the three people who made over a billion. Look out Kylie Jenner. Elizabeth Warren is coming for you.

Marianna Williamson

Best selling author of spiritual self help books and advisor to Oprah, Williamson lost her bid in 2014 for a congressional seat in California. She promotes racial reconciliation through reparations and a more humane immigration policy. She wants the government to pay $10 billion a year for ten years to African Americans. When asked what the first thing she would do if elected, she answered,

"My first call is to the prime minister of New Zealand, who said her goal was to make New Zealand the place where it’s the best place in the world for a child to grow up. And I will tell her, 'Girlfriend, you are so on.' Because the United States of America is going to be the best place in the world for a child to grow up."

I'm glad that at least one candidate has a foreign policy that reigns in those pesky kiwis.

Kamala Harris
 
A former prosecutor in California, Harris most recently was the states attorney general before she was elected to the US Senate. She is known for the Lift Act, a middle class tax break similar to the Earned Income Credit (EIC), which is tax relief for people who don't actually pay taxes. Harris had the big moment in the debate when she went after Joe Biden for boasting about his past work with his racist colleagues as well as his stance against busing early in his career. She said,
 
"There was a little girl in California who was part of the second class to integrate her public schools, and she was bused to school every day, and that little girl was me.”
 
Before we declare busing a success, let's find out what happened to the kid Harris bumped so she could go to a different school.

Cory Booker
 
Hailing from the nation's armpit, New Jersey, Booker is a junior senator who graduated from Stamford, Oxford and Yale and is a Rhodes scholar. He's known for the "baby bond" program giving every child a US Treasury bond at birth with larger sums going to poorer kids. He's also known for a deer in the headlights stare during the debates when Beto O'Rourke started speaking Spanish. I think he was trying to recall the Spanish word for "handout." Either way, the internet got another viral meme out of it.

Julián Castro

Castro grew up a poor kid from San Antonio, but managed to graduate from Stanford and Harvard. He worked as the Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary in the Obama Administration. He is a strong supporter of free trade. During the debate, Castro was asked whether his healthcare plan would cover abortion. He said,

“Yes, it would. I don’t believe only in reproductive freedom. I believe in reproductive justice.”

He should have stopped there upon a safe Democratic talking point. Instead he added,

"And, you know, what that means is that just because a woman — or let’s also not forget someone in the trans community, a trans female — is poor, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have the right to exercise that right to choose. And so I absolutely would cover the right to have an abortion.”

Finally, a liberal cause with a manageable cost, abortions for people with no uteruses.

Andrew Yang

The former tech entrepreneur promotes only one issue, protecting Americans from robots stealing their jobs. Yang proposes giving everyone over 18 years of age $1000 a month to help pay bills after they lose their job to a robot. That comes to $3.2 trillion dollars a year. He would pay for it by a value added tax that would result in a "trickle up" economy as people spent their free government scratch. Seems to me that the smart thing to do is to take the $1000 a month and enroll in robot repairman school.

During the debate, there were other one liners worth mentioning like when Tulsi Gabbard, US Representative from Hawaii, corrected Ohio Congressman, Tim Ryan, who said that the Taliban flew planes into our buildings, by saying,

"The Taliban didn’t attack us on 9/11, al Qaeda did."

Just like an American to pile everyone into the same basket of deplorables.

When co-moderator Savannah Guthrie said, "This is a show of hands question and hold them up so people can see. Raise your hand if your government plan would provide coverage for undocumented immigrants."

Ten candidates raised their hands including Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, Andrew Yang and Marianne Williamson.

Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker which pretty much sums it up.