Election Hero

Since today is Election Day, I'm reposting an article I wrote about the 2016 Presidential Election. The DNC funded smear dossier, compiled by the Queen’s former counter intelligence specialist Christopher Steele, which described how Trump, a germaphobe, watched two Russian prostitutes urinate on the bed the Obama's used on their official visit to Russia, hadn't yet surfaced. Hunter Biden had already been booted out of the Naval Reserve for testing positive for more drugs than Cheech and Chong combined, leaving him plenty of time to work on the board of a Ukrainian energy conglomerate. A Yale alumnus as well as the privileged son of a vice president, Hunter prepared for his recent no holds barred exclusive ABC News interview with Amy Robach by looking up where Ukraine is on the map and taking a sponge bath. Trump would eventually get ensnared in impeachment proceedings for asking the newly elected Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, if he could compile his own dossier on Joe Biden that included some tidbits like how much the Vice President tipped in restaurants and for lap dances. So let's go back to that simpler time.

_________________________

Trump and Hillary

The way this election is turning out this season, Kanye West in 2020 is looking pretty good. Our choices are the first women candidate who is a scheming, opportunistic career politician or a reality TV celebrity, billionaire businessman who's on his third wife. There are other party candidates which have as much chance of success as a Hall and Oats come back tour. Our system to elect a president has been so over analyzed and is wrought with so much scrutiny that the only people who would want to do something like that for so little scratch must be narcissistic nutjobs.

The late, John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth, the fifth human in space, winner of the Congressional Space Medal of Honor and Presidential Medal of Freedom, Marine colonel, four term Senator from Ohio, never ran for president because he was widely regarded as a poor public speaker and his eyes were too small. The oldest man to travel in space can't lead the country? Colin Powell, a four star general, Vietnam veteran, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under Presidents Bush and Clinton, Secretary of State, awardee of two Presidential Medals of Freedom, didn't run for President because the process would have put too much scrutiny on his wife who suffers from mental illness. When we set up a system that excludes highly qualified individuals based on irrelevant information, we get the junk candidates which we have today. By the way, Colin Powell was so popular he would have defeated Clinton in 1996 even with a first name that is a homophone for large intestines.

Hillary Clinton is a smart lawyer who gets in trouble when she talks unscripted. She said she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary even though he was an obscure climber who hadn't yet summited Mount Everest at the time of her birth. She claimed she had to run from sniper fire in Bosnia even though the video clearly shows her calmly greeting people as she walks with her daughter, Chelsea. Former NBC Nightly News Anchor, Brian Williams, took a beating for lesser misstatements. She claimed that the reason she had a private email server was so she could have one device for personal and private emails when in reality it was to maintain control over the content.

Recently, she said that she discussed it with Colin Powell who gave her the idea. Powell denied the conversation took place. I guess Hillary figured as long as George Bush could blame the weapons of mass destruction debacle on Powell, she might as well toss her little email screw up his way too. She suggested that Trump was unfit to run the economy when past elected officials have put the country $21 trillion in the hole. Her husband's "I Met a Girl Speech" at the DNC left out most of Bill's more Hollywood moments. It's hard to believe she might serve in the same office where that dress got stained. Bill followed with a tweet musing the first time Hillary heard him speak, he was saying how beautiful Arkansas melons were. She thought he was talking about fruit while Bill was speaking more in a mammary sense.

Donald Trump is a smart businessman who talks unscripted all the time, but gets into trouble when he speaks unfiltered. He took umbrage with the line of questioning from Fox reporter, Megyn Kelley, during the republican debates implying she was menstruating. He claimed a Mexican judge would be unfair in regards to his legal troubles. He responded to Marco Rubio when Rubio obliquely suggested Trump had a diminutive tool with a comeback more suited to a middle schooler than the Leader of the Free World. His simplified solution to undocumented immigration is to deport everyone who is here illegally to the other side of a big wall which he's somehow going to get Mexico to pay for. He mimicked a physically challenged reporter and criticized Carly Fiorina's face. I was waiting for him to say,

"She was good in Shrek."

Tapping into Dick Cheney's hunting experience, Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and not lose any votes. That's true only if he capped Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rife Association, who in a stroke of irony would fully support the shooting. His wife lifted a speech from Michelle Obama. If you're going plagiarize a speech by a First Lady, best pick one less popular (and less alive) like Nancy "Just Say No" Regan. Trump makes all sorts of bizarre faces and hand gestures which the news media often focuses on making him look more incontinent than competent. Trump proves that no amount of money or products can do anything for fundamentally bad hair. I doubt he'll ever learn that while it might be a great business trait to go for the jugular, it's not a good idea to do so on camera, at least in this country.

I have an idea. Let's forget about the election process all together and draft someone for president. We'll make it illegal to refuse. The first person we'll select will be Chesley Burnett Sullenberger III, the pilot who ditched a plane in the Hudson River, saving all 155 people onboard. He's a no nonsense national hero, Air Force veteran, author of books on leadership, an outstanding public speaker, and retired pilot. He's clearly good at thinking on his feet, unscripted with a judicious filter. His eyes aren't too small, and he's got a cool name not associated with digestion.

Sully

Sully is so truthful that while being interviewed by Katie Couric, she asked him if he took a moment to pray. Hillary would have said,

"I thought of Psalm 23:2, the one about green pastures and quiet waters. I recited it out aloud as I was delivering my life saving orders. I also sent an email on my private server to the Pope asking him to pray for us too."

Trump would have answered,

"Hey Katie, I'm flying a fucking plane here that I'm about to crash land in the Hudson two blocks from Trump Tower. I'm pretty much on my own. My copilot is low energy. Of course, I prayed. Are you menstruating or something?"

Sully answered, "I would imagine somebody in back was taking care of that for me while I was flying the airplane. My focus at that point was so intensely on the landing, I thought of nothing else."

Please Captain Sullenberger, save us all this time.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on August 30,2016.

Trump's First Dog?

Obama Avoiding Bo

Almost all presidents pick a pet for the White House. Historically, only three didn't, Millard Fillmore, the last Whig Party president, Franklin Pierce, the first president to deliver an inaugural address entirely from memory, and Chester Allan Arthur, who took over after Garfield was assassinated. Some presidents had quite the menagerie at the White House, including horses and farm animals.


George Washington's wife, Martha, had a parrot named "Snipe." Jefferson was gifted two grizzly bear cubs which he deemed "too dangerous & troublesome for me to keep." Andrew Jackson had a foulmouthed parrot, named "Poll." Historians believe that the bird picked up the predilection for colorful language from listening to Old Hickory. The bird was present at Jackson's funeral. Just before the eulogy by Reverend William Menefee Norment, the bird got excited and started swearing so loudly that attendants removed it from the house. Abraham Lincoln signed a proclamation on Oct 3, 1863 establishing the last Thursday in November as a "day of Thanksgiving and Praise." A turkey sent to the White House for Christmas dinner was named "Jack" by Lincoln's son, Tad, who adopted the bird as a pet. When Tad learned the fate of Jack, he interrupted a cabinet meeting to plead with his father to spare Jack's life. Lincoln, having a soft spot for his young son, pardoned the bird.


Roosevelt Refusing to
Shoot Mickey Mouse

Theodore Roosevelt had his own zoo at the White House with dogs, horses, snakes, guinea pigs, an owl, some lizards, five bears, a lion, a hyena and a zebra. On a hunting trip in Mississippi, Roosevelt refused to shoot an old bear that his guides tethered to a tree. Cartoons, depicting a benevolent Roosevelt refusing to cap a frightened bear cub, soon made it into the newspapers. A Brooklyn candy shop owner put two stuffed bears that his wife made in his window, calling them "Teddy's Bears."

Calvin Coolidge had a load of animals as well including a donkey, a bobcat and a pygmy hippo. He is best known for the Immigration Act of 1924 which was drafted to limit immigration to the United States from Southern and Eastern Europe. The act restricted immigration from Africa, and outright banned it from Arab and Asian countries.

Nixon Explaining How
Much He Pays for
Toilet Paper 

When Nixon was selected as Dwight D. Eisenhower's running mate in 1952, he came under scrutiny for misappropriating campaign funds which threatened his place on the ticket. Nixon appeared on television giving a speech detailing his household finances. He concluded with a story about how his family received a black and white cocker spaniel as a gift which his daughter named "Checkers." He said,

"I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep it."
 

Naturally, Nixon's story about the little dog resonated with the American people, and weeks later Eisenhower and Nixon were swept into office.
 

Happier Times for
Socks, Hillary and
Monica

The more recent presidents seem to opt on just cats and dogs. Clinton had "Socks" the cat while George Bush had a Springer Spaniel named "Spot." Obama took months before he selected "Bo," a Portuguese Water Dog, due to his daughter's allergies. Obama is rarely photographed playing with Bo or Sunny, the second First Dog, leading many people to believe that he doesn't actually like them. If that's true, it can't be over the odor since I'm sure the dogs don't smell as bad as cigarette smoke.

In this country, the president has to have a dog if they want to be reelected otherwise dog owners, which is everyone but me, won't vote for them. In the United States, you have to like dogs or people will assume that there is something wrong with you. We should just get on with it, and make it a law that every household has to have at least one dog. The medical brain trust is split down the middle in regards to allergies and pet ownership. Half claim early exposure to pet dander and hair provides immunity while others believe it exacerbates allergies. Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a campaign stump speech which she blamed on her rival by saying,

"Everytime I think about Trump I get allergic."

She also claimed that her private email server was hypoallergenic and helped with her sinusitis.

President Trump

Trump had a case of the sniffles during the first debate which he blamed on a faulty microphone. I think he suffers from allergies as well since the events were held in the middle of ragweed season. Or it could have been the excessive amount of Charlie cologne Hillary was wearing.

I've been wondering what kind of dog President Trump will pick for the White House. Perhaps a Great Dane? That would work. They only live for about eight years. Or maybe a Doberman Pincher, named "Bull." Whenever Trump is dissatisfied with someone in the Oval Office, he'll yell,

"Sic balls, Bull!"

Trump's first wife, Ivana, wrote in her tell all book that Trump hated her poodle, "Chappy," who would aggressively bark at him. When Trump is dissatisfied with someone, he often tweets that they were fired or choked "like a dog." Ivanka Trump was criticized for giving her daughter an all white dog named "Winter." Television producer, Jared Kotler, tweeted,

"...when you want to seem human and get a dog, maybe a shelter dog would show humanity. But all white and blue eyes is on brand. Fuck off."

To think poor Winter was force castrated without consent, and now people think he's a symbol of racism.

My prediction is that Trump will go against the recommendation of all his top advisors and won't get a dog for the White House. A self described germaphobe, who doesn't like to shake hands, who vetted women he wanted to date for STDs, and who likely suffers from allergies, certainly will not allow an animal into his home. Trump won't care that you won't vote for him for not having a dog. He favors his own instincts over politically correct maneuvers.

Just maybe, that's what we need right now.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on November 11, 2016. Trump is the fourth president to pass on a pet for the White House which is the real reason why Democrats are trying to impeach him.

Obstruction of President

Bill Clinton

Back in 1998, after President Clinton was impeached by the House for lying about playing hide the cuban in the Oval Office, the Senate convened to vote on his removal. A legislator in a nearby town held a public meeting in a school gymnasium to hear the people out. CNN covered the event with a chyron that read "Democracy in Action." I thought it was more like "Idiocy in Action."

It took the president cheating with an intern before the American people finally got off their collective fundaments and got involved in the political process. Shrewd politics unfold daily behind closed doors across the country, right under our noses, and we remain clueless. Our legislators carve up a trillion in taxpayer funds each year while the nation's astronomical debt grows out of control, and back then voters were more concerned with flag burning. The President gets his pipes cleaned in the Oval Office, and suddenly everyone wants to voice their opinion.

I used to argue with my father all the time over Bill Clinton's antics including lying to independent councilor, Kenneth Starr, about his involvement with Monica Lewinsky. My dad felt the president should be a moral pillar for the country to follow, and I thought the presidency was just a job, a crummy one at that. I didn't really care that Clinton cheated on his wife. In fact, I prefer a dude with his finger on the nuclear button to be as relaxed as humanly possible. Turns out that Clinton couldn't launch anything anyway because when he was president, he lost the nuclear codes.

Bill Clinton did lie to a federal prosecutor, something which would land you and me in prison where we would most likely end up a much larger person's special friend. Starr was assigned to investigate the Clintons over a land deal gone bust called Whitewater and a sexual harassment allegation when Bill was the Governor of Arkansas. After not finding anything to indict Clinton on, Starr went after his relationship with Lewinsky which, however inappropriate as well as a violation of workplace rules, wasn't illegal. Starr's office leaked scandalous details of Clinton's involvement with the young, unpaid, intern chiefly to smear the President in hopes of getting him removed from office. The Starr Report was chock full of sordid details like,

"At one point, Ms. Lewinsky and the President talked alone in the Chief of Staff's office. In the course of flirting with him, she raised her jacket in the back and showed him the straps of her thong underwear, which extended above her pants."

Monica Lewinsky

I recall lawyers endlessly discussing if the term “sex” included fellatio. They also released a video of the White House physician drawing a vial of blood from the President in the Map Room in the presence of a FBI agent and Clinton's attorney. The FBI lab tested Lewinski's semen stained blue dress for the President's DNA. It looked like Clinton was going to resign until an unlikely outrage saved him.

The graphic nature of the Starr Report, co-authored by Brett Kavanaugh, really pissed off the American people. Having a mild mannered lawyer like Kenneth Starr, a guy who just seemed like a creep himself, go after the 49 year old President for messing with a 22 year old intern didn't sit well with the American people. My attitude was along the lines of "who gives a shit" as I reminded my father that his generation looked the other way when JFK and his brother took turns boffing Marilyn Monroe. President Kennedy also employed two women in the West Wing to do nothing more than swim naked in the pool with him. I think they were also in charge of the nuclear codes.

A prominent republican said on the news,

"America ought to know that when they send their children to Washington that their President is not going to molest them."

Lewinsky was not a child. She was fully aware of what she was doing. In fact secret service agent, Gary Byrne, who stood guard outside the Oval Office described Lewinsky as relentless in her pursuit of the President. Byrne was the last person Lewinsky had to circumvent to reach Bill, and she did it often always showing up in places in the West Wing where she was not allowed to be. In his tell all book, Crisis of Character, Byrne writes,

"What (if anything) she did all day as an intern mystified me. Some days she seemingly had nothing better to do than play I Spy the President."

It was only when Lewinsky became aware that her friend and confidant, Linda Tripp, secretly recorded phone conversations did she cave to Starr's threats of a lengthy prison sentence for not cooperating with his investigation. Years later in 2015, Lewinsky delivered a TED talk focusing on cyber bullying and slut shaming. She rambled on about how the episode scarred her tragically focusing on her profound humiliation. Lewinsky also revealed that she was invited to speak at the "Forbes 30 Under 30" event, billed as a search for inspirational "youthful visionaries." I'm not sure exactly how the then 41 year old Lewinsky got in as a keynote speaker since her youthful vision was a bit myopic.

In her TED speech, she referred to her White House indiscretions as "falling in love with my boss" and being "swept up into an improbable romance" even though she performed a recital on the presidential trombone while Bill was on the phone with a member of Congress. Now, I'm no prude by any stretch, but I'm pretty certain that love includes a bit more than what Bill and Monica were doing. Lewinsky expressed that she learned a lot from her youthful mistakes which I'm sure included what's under the Resolute desk.

Back then during the impeachment hearings, I hated watching the news because conservatives were simply attempting to mess with the President while liberals were trying to make excuses for Clinton's behavior. I watched two democrats, one a Black man and another a white woman, try to explain the cigar incident by saying,

"Any of our sexual behaviors would look scandalous if scrutinized by the public."

I suppose this is especially true when it occurs at work with someone who is half the age of our spouse.

Donald Trump

Today, we have yet another special prosecutor looking into Russian interference in the 2016 election. Lawyers are working overtime to try to prove that President Trump "colluded with the Russians" to hack Hillary Clinton's private email server which was located in her living room in Chappaqua, not behind a secure federal firewall. So far they have found some of what they're looking for resulting in four people charged with crimes and the expulsion of Russian diplomats as well as sanctions against Russia. The problem I have with all this is that the US cyber screws other nations all the time.

In 2010, we fouled up Iran's uranium enrichment centrifuges with a virus spread via thumb drives. We have a history of supporting military coups only to insert our own guy into power after a bloody takeover. We purportedly hacked China's mobile phone companies to spy on the Chinese government and research institutions. In 1982 the CIA inserted a logic bomb in a computer control system stolen from a Canadian company which caused a Soviet gas pipeline to explode. We shutdown North Korea's internet for a weekend when they cyber attacked Sony over the movie, The Interview.

Don Levin, a political science professor at Carnegie Mellon University has determined that the US intervened in 82 elections between 1946 and 2000. The Washington Post reported that the CIA forged "documents to besmirch communist leaders via fabricated sex scandals."

Newt Gingrich

The US has a long history of messing with other countries. So why are we so angry that another country did to us what we do everyday as a matter of foreign policy? The reason is simple, to obstruct the president. Any party with a majority in the House has the power to call for a "special investigation." The minor party relies on charges filed by the House Ethics Committee to attack the major party players.

Back in 1997 the Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, leading a republican controlled Congress was hit with 84 ethics charges with only one resulting in an investigation for tax fraud involving a college course Gingrich was teaching. The problem was that he was spreading a conservative political philosophy with tax exempt funds. While the IRS exonerated him, the House reprimanded Gingrich for failing to hire a tax lawyer. They fined him $300,000, part of the cost of the investigation. It was the first time a house speaker was disciplined for ethics violations.

During the subsequent mid term elections, republicans lost five seats. Gingrich, who was reelected himself, was held responsible by republican leaders who maneuvered to give him the boot. Gingrich's private polls indicated that investigating the Lewinsky affair would tank the President and bolster republicans in the House, but the plan backfired costing him his seat.

The partisan attack on Gingrich was countered by a special congressional investigation of Clinton. They appointed Kenneth Starr, a republican to go after the President in an act of revenge for unseating the speaker. Starr leaked all sorts of scandalous sexual details to the press concerning Clinton's fling with Lewinsky. When the infamous blue dress surfaced, Lewinsky initially claimed the stain was spinach dip. Starr must have worked in a dry cleaners in college because he sent that dress to a FBI lab.

So if all these personal attacks were motivated by partisan politics, why did the Department of Justice appoint a republican special counsel, Robert Mueller, to go after a republican president when Congress is controlled by republicans? Mueller came on the scene after Trump shit canned FBI Director, James Comey, presumably to derail his investigation of the Trump campaign's alleged involvement with the Russians. Trump claims he fired Comey for his last minute election shocker indicating Hillary's emails were, yet again, under investigation.

Trump's twitter feed pisses off many people, but elected officials couldn't give a crap about what the President says on social media. They leave the outrage for the small stuff to the small minds. What tanked Trump with both parties was his first budget which made sweeping cuts in efforts to save $54 billion dollars. Trump said,

"We are going to do more with less, and make the government lean and accountable to the people."

This is not how Washington works. Both parties spend big when their candidate is elected. When democrats win the presidency, republicans roll out the Balanced Budget Act to hobble spending. When a republican is in the Oval Office, the democrats talk about "the rich not paying their fair share" in attempts to increase taxes.

Republicans were unhappy because they were not going to get their share of the federal money for their pet projects. Trump reduced spending across the board as any business person would do if they had access to the government books. Bonehead tweets about Mexicans don't really anger politicians. That superficial stuff spurns on mock outrage from our lawmakers. What galvanized both parties to support a DOJ investigation was a change in the way business is conducted in Washington.

Now, a porn star who took a payoff to keep her mouth shut over an alleged affair with Trump wants to give the money back so she can tell her story. Mueller backed an FBI raid on the New York offices of Trump's lawyer looking for information pertaining to hush money, which could be considered an illegal campaign contribution. My attitude towards Trump is the same I had for Clinton twenty years ago. Who gives a shit? Apart from being on Wife Version 3.0, Trump has always been known as a playboy. He didn't lie to a federal investigator about his extra marital relationship like Bill Clinton did. The smear campaign is designed to herd the American public into believing that a self professed germaphobe who doesn't like to shake hands and medically vetted potential girlfriends in the 80's would come in intimate contact with a forty year old adult film star.

And as far as the recording of Trump describing the anatomy grabbing benefits of celebrity, he said,

"...I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, 'I'll show you where they have some nice furniture.'"

Furniture shopping? The only thing I learned from this exchange is that Trump is a geek because only a true nerd would think that the path past a women's underwear is through a Raymour and Flanigan showroom.

The Starr Report cost $80 million in taxpayer funds. Mueller's DOJ witch hunt will likely cost even more as a team of lawyers tries to link Trump to something the government has done for decades. The American people remain painfully ignorant as we are swayed by false news reports written by journalists more interested in celebrity than the truth. During her TED talk, Monica Lewinsky said it best when asked why she was speaking out now. She answered,

"Because it’s time. Time to take back my narrative."

Then she asserted,

"You can insist on a different ending to your story.”

Isn't that what it comes down to? A different ending, that is, wait a few years then reimagine the facts until the American people favor the outcome. That's what public relations people do, leverage our forgetfulness against us. Bill Clinton did just that when he gushed about Hillary in his "I Met a Girl" speech delivered at the Democratic National Convention during the 2016 election. All you got to do is wait fifteen years when the average American has forgotten the past, then rewrite the final scene.

As we decide right from wrong along party lines with journalists creating rather than reporting the news and social media censoring anything that doesn’t conform to the acceptable narrative, we have evolved into a society in which the truth is no longer relevant.

What Did Bush Say to Obama?

Recently five former presidents gathered at Texas A&M University for a hurricane relief concert. During President Clinton’s speech, Bush leaned over to Obama and said something which cracked Obama up. Obama did his best not to chuckle, but things are generally funnier when you're not supposed to laugh. Having been raised a Catholic, I’ve been in that situation many times before.

Years ago when I was in middle school, we were discussing the Apostle Peter’s denial of Jesus after the crucifixion. My friend, Dean, looked to me and whispered,

“Jesus who?”

I immediately started smirking, then I said to Dean,

“The only Jesus I know does my car detailing.”

Dean burst out busting both of us. Sister Mary Artifact marched to the back of the room and smacked Dean on the back of the head. She sent me to stand in the front of the room in a corner with my back to the class. This wasn't a good idea. In the back, I was disruptive to only my immediate neighbors. Up in the front of the class, I had an audience. I stood up there and pretended to smoke my pencil which caused a few of my classmates to laugh. I pulled paper out the wastepaper basket which I mock read with astonishment. I discovered a small milk carton in the trashcan which I pretended to guzzle. Whenever Sister Mary wasn't looking I would turn and face the class and mouth her words as she spoke intently. When Sister Mary ventured to the back of the class to swat the closest chuckling classmate, I exclaimed,

"Biggus Dickus."

Now, if you haven't seen Monty Python's Life of Brian then stop reading and go watch it now. The scene in which Caesar, played by Michael Palin, explains to a centurion, played by John Cleese, that his friend "Biggus Dickus" had a wife named "Incontinetia Buttocks" used to make us laugh uncontrollably every time. Palin's lisp made it all that much funnier. The nuns considered the Life of Brian blasphemous so naturally we all watched the movie the first chance we got. The roman guards trying not to laugh was a familiar scenario for Catholic school kids. Most of us took a beating for laughing at some point during our Catholic education.

When Obama tried not to laugh at Bush's comments, the look on Bush's face was all too familiar to my middle school mind. As I watched the video, I came up with this list of top ten possible Bush comments that made Obama laugh.

1. Would he just die already.
   
2. Hey, Barack, pull my finger.
3. I wonder which of us use Boll & Branch sheets?
   
4. Where's Puerto Rico?
   
5. You hear Carter wants to help Trump? And to think, Larry Flynt is trying to stick it up 45’s ass.
   
6. Hillary wanted to come, but she didn’t get the email in time.
   
7. Is he introducing Harvey Weinstein?
   
8. You think Carter will make it to the end?
   
9. Beyoncé had the best video of all time
   
10. We’re all gonna get matching tats after this.

When Bush started smirking and Obama smiling, I couldn't shake the feeling that Sister Mary Artifact was going to emerge from the crowd and shuffle across the stage. She'd crack Obama in the head and send Bush to stand in the corner. Of course, in my day, Sister Mary was a thousand years old so its not likely she's still around, but you never know. Sister Mary wasn't the picture of health in 1976. She was pear shaped, and for some reason she was always coughing up phlegm. I was never molested or anything like that during my eight years of Catholic education, but I was smacked in the head more times than I care to remember.

Either way, something tells me that Bush is going to keep the laughs coming.

I'm Voting For...

Trump and Clinton

Earlier in the summer, it was amusing to watch Trump hash it out among seventeen bewildered republican candidates. Trump interjected a certain level of uncertainty and unpredictability to guarantee a laugh now and then. As the election season wore on, my amusement began to wane.

It all started when Carly Fiorina put out a video about dogs that was meant to show her more gentle side. There's no doubt in this country that dogs are more popular than humans so a video of a stiff like Fiorina playfully interacting with canines should've helped her image. In the clip, Fiorina exclaimed,

Carly Fiorina

"A dog is sad when you're gone."

Unless Fiorina had a session with Sonya Fitzpatrick, the pet psychic, I'm not sure how she knew that a dog was sad when you leave. The video went from awkward to weird when Fiorina admitted to eating milk bones as a child. That explains a lot. She even bit into a milk bone on camera. I wasn't laughing anymore after I watched that video. I was scared. These people weren't just nuts, they were crazy.

Then we got down to the wire, and Ted Cruz was left to hash it out with the Donald. Cruz is a Christian, junior senator from Texas who looks a little like Elmer the Bull. He had once eagerly read Green Eggs and Ham on the senate floor as part of a filibuster over the Affordable Healthcare Act, even though a vote had already been scheduled. So technically his marathon 21 hour talk hadn't an actual purpose.



Ted Cruz

He refused to endorse Trump at the Republican convention, stating you should "vote your conscience" after he pledged in writing to do so. Recently, he reversed his stance "after many months of careful consideration, of prayer and searching my own conscience." It must have been the praying that was so time consuming because searching his conscience probably took just a few minutes.

So we forged ahead into the debates which admittedly I initially found amusing. The name calling and accusations brought me back to middle school. We didn't have all this anti bullying agenda we have today. Bullying was a way of life back then. We learned how to behave from shows like Happy Days, a sitcom set in the 1950's where the main characters were split between the cool kids, Richie and Fonzie, and the nerds, Ralph Malph and Potsie. We watched the various actors, all pushing thirty, play high school kids, who endlessly belittle each other, call each other names and accuse each other of maleficence. The debates were just like that, except there was no laugh track.

Just when it seemed things couldn't get weirder, Trump's incessant accusation of voter fraud prompted Russian officials to request to monitor the elections. Three states turned down scrutiny by Russian diplomats. Trump is really accusing the media of bias and not state officials of misconduct because the media keeps printing articles like the recent one in which porn star, Jessica Drake, claimed Trump inappropriately touched her.

Trump's behavior has been off the charts, but it's hard to believe a professed germaphobe, who hates shaking hands and went on the record, years ago, that he vetted woman for HIV and STDs before dating them, would pay a porn star $10,000 for sex. At a news conference, Drake claimed she and two friends met Trump in his room where "he grabbed each of us tightly in a hug and kissed each of us on the lips without asking for permission." She claimed Trump was in a bathrobe. I don't buy it.Trump wouldn't touch a porn star with a stick while wearing a full body condom.

Gary Johnson

So I came to the conclusion that I was going to throw away my vote on a third party candidate. You know, the dudes who don't get invited to the debates. I first checked out the Libertarian Party candidate, Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico.

The Libertarian Party believes the government is too big. We used to talk about the government being too big back in the 80's. For example, the Department of Commerce has about 45,000 employees. That's the size of a large company. As far as I can tell, the Department of Commerce performs two essential functions. They maintain the Department of Commerce webpage, and they calculate the Gross Domestic Product (GDP), an indicator of the economic performance of the country. The GDP should not be confused with the Gross National Product (GNP), also known as the Gross National Income (GNI). These metrics are used by our elected officials to convince people that the economy is doing fine even though we have a Gross National Debt (GND) of $20 trillion.

Anyway, this video of Johnson is just strange. At first, the reporter seems to think he's having a stroke, then when she rules that out, she appears to be concerned for her own safety. Johnson was trying to make the point that he could do anything, even stick his tongue out on national television and still dominate the debates. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Back in 2004, the one time governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, trying to summon some campaign

Howard Dean

momentum at the Iowa Democratic caucuses, let out an exuberant scream during a rally. His so called "I Have a Scream" speech tanked his bid for the presidency because he appeared odd and too unpresidential. Fast forward 12 years later to Gary Johnson's tongue out interview which comes off nothing short of downright insane. Pack it in Gary. That was crazy.

Then I moved to the Green Party candidate, physician Jill Stein. The Green Party is all about "eco socialism" and grassroots democracy. Stein is running on a policy that the government should bailout the $1.3 trillion in college debt through quantitative easing, a complicated monetary policy employed by our elected officials when they run out of money because they gave out too large a tax break to toy wooden arrow makers.

Jill Stein

I'm not sure what quantitative easing is, but Stein's interpretation is to print up $4 trillion of "free money" and hand it out to millennials who spent the last four years goofing off while earning degrees in anthropology, philosophy, fine arts, and other useless degrees. Hopefully, quantitative easing will also provide them with a job in the Department of Commerce helping with the GDP calculation because if you draw a circle around their education and another around jobs, they intersect at "bagging groceries."

Stein is also a member of the folk rock band, Somebodies Sister, playing the guitar and the conga and djembe drums. Not surprisingly, she's in favor of legalizing marijuana like most people that play percussions in a band. While I don't think Jill Stein is crazy, she's a little too much of a product of the 70's for me.

Chesley Sullenberger
and Tom Hanks

I've decided I'm voting for a write-in candidate because I can't find a third party candidate to waste my vote on. I've been encouraging people to write in Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenberger III. He was portrayed by Tom Hanks in the namesake movie, Sully. Hanks is my favorite actor, and Sully is my favorite person after my wife, of course. I'm going to write in Hanks as Vice President.

Come on, admit it. Given the chance, you'd vote for them too.


Editor's Note: Voting for a write-in candidate that has not filed Federal Election Commission Form 2 within fifteen days of becoming a candidate will result in your vote not being counted.

Weekend at Hillary's

Hillary’s recent health issues have been made more evident by the videos that have surfaced showing the secret service ushering a stumbling Clinton into a waiting van. It was reminiscent of the movie, Weekend at Bernie’s, in which two employees must convince the world that their deceased boss is still alive. Hillary was clearly shaky, needed support and looked like she might not be counted in the census anymore.

Running for the nation’s highest office is demanding with all the public appearance, speeches, debates and opportunities for the media to photograph you with a something hanging from your nose. It’s tough enough shaking all those hands at 68 on top of being two sneezes away from brunch with Jesus. So Hillary picked up a touch of pneumonia at Ground Zero. Initially, her camp said she was overcome by the heat. Or maybe, she ate one of those wieners that the street vendors sell in New York City. Whenever I eat one, I swear you can hear your arteries hardening. It's like corn growing.

In 1841, William Henry Harrison, also 68 years old, caught a cold at his inauguration that developed into pneumonia. He handed in his dinner pail shortly thereafter. A decade later Zachary Taylor fell ill from cholera and clocked out of life in a record five days. With all the medical advancements today, being the Leader of the Free World while also being sick as a dog is no big deal. Just look at Dick Cheney. He had his fourth heart attack shortly after the polls opened in 2000. He served eight years as Vice President without a hitch, then he went hunting with a few of his buddies. He ended up shooting his friend in the face. It's ironic that a dude who has his own saddle for the pale horse nearly killed a guy.

It makes me wonder why people who are certainly on their last hundred or so breaths would want to take on a relatively low paying, high stress job. Ronald Regan at 73 was the oldest person to run for office. We later learned that he was likely suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers during his final term. I think the narcissism of these people is so extreme that they would soldier on through enormous pressure just to be the top dog. I wonder if the first George Bush thought being Commander in Chief was a fun job when he fell ill on a trip to Japan and hurled executive orders into the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Hillary's coughing fit, just a few days ago, was painful to watch. If you've ever had to publicly speak with a piece of yarn caught in your throat then you know what she was going through. She just kept coughing and pointing, then coughing more, then drinking water. When she tried to talk that just made it all worse. Somebody gave her a little throat lozenge which she squirrelled away without a word because all she could do is point and cough and drink. I was afraid that all that water was going to overwhelm her Depends.

 

It's entirely possible that like the film, Weekend at Bernie's, Hillary isn't alive, and that her team has been carting her around to all these events for years to make it appear she's still with us. Maybe she didn't pass out at home and hit her head but instead passed away. It makes a lot of sense. Her coughing fit was just a ruse to eat up the clock. The private email server was how her team answered her emails. Not only was she asleep during the Bengazi attack, she was taking a dirt nap. This is also why Bill has had so many girlfriends. As he puts it,

"I ain't cheating on ma wife. The bitch is dead."

It's also why she does so poorly in the debates. She even lost a shoe in this latest incident that had to be recovered by the New York PD. Did you ever wonder why her team hides her away for weeks at a time? Not to mention all this talk of body doubles. Bill once referred to Hillary as "frigid." Who knew he meant it literally?

Choosing the president is a difficult task made even more harrowing when the candidates are senior citizens. As the rest of us get older and start developing unrealistic phobias like a fear of beards, presidential candidates seek more decision making opportunities, more pressure. Just when they're incapable of putting on their socks by themselves, we turn to them to decide what to do in the Middle-East. When what type of cornflakes to choose in the morning is a difficult decision, we want them to turn around a slumping economy. When they start referring to their little dog as their "favorite grandchild," we ask them to fix healthcare. When Social Security needs shoring up, we look to them, even though they can't open a jar of pickles. We want affordable housing, healthcare, medication and tuition and they want cheap dentures. We throw the toughest challenges faced by the country at them just when they're challenged by a flight of stairs, and we're surprised when they make a mess of it all.

I just hope Hillary got her shoe back.