Showing posts with label Biden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Biden. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Ok Spartacus

After Biden declared victory on Saturday night, I received my first text message from a liberal friend. Others soon followed. Mind you, these are the folks who said that under no circumstances were we to talk about politics. I obliged even though they occasionally expressed oblique remarks which any reasonable person would deem political nowadays. For example, one friend said,

"How can anyone deny science?"

It doesn't matter that my progressive buddies mostly avoided science in college, they are all willing to go to their rooms and wait for the scientists to tell them when it's safe to come out. If I could get a word in, I would explain that science involves the meaningful exchange of ideas, not a decree of veracity based on a degree of concurrence.

Most concepts which were once widely acceptance by the scientific community turned out to be altogether wrong. Just look at germ theory. In the past most medical experts believed disease spread by miasma, noxious foul air consisting of rotting organic matter. One got cholera or the Black Death from breathing "bad air." The idea was around since ancient times and persisted through to the late 19th century. It was so widespread that it was believed inhaling the odors of food caused obesity. Most Western cultures regarded "night air" as dangerous. Throughout the 1800's, the medical braintrust were split on the cause and spread of disease. Half believed that physical contact or contagion was necessary while the other half subscribed to miasma theory.

My liberal friends are certain that if we all strapped on masks and maintained six feet separation millions of lives would be spared because that's what scientist say. Biden said that he will follow the science, but a leader must assess input from scientists, economists, industry leaders and experts from academia and then make an informed decision. Some scientists ring the alarm bells to ensure funding as they know federal money is more likely granted to quell a pending catastrophe than it is to simply investigate a merely interesting phenomena.

When my progressive friends announced that we were not to discuss politics what they really meant was that I was not to discuss politics. It doesn't matter that I am a registered Democrat who voted for Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama. They can't imagine why I just don't hate Donald Trump like they do. I called foul on some of the things done to the President before he even took office. I actually read the Steele dossier which FBI Directory James Comey brought to Trump on his first day in the Oval Office. When I scrutinized the largely unverifiable document, it sounded like barroom bullshit to me. Recently we learned though handwritten notes of former CIA Director John Brennan that the whole Russian collusion narrative was cooked up by Hillary Clinton to deflect attention from her email server debacle.

In 2016, everyone thought Hillary was going to win with news outlets declaring a landslide and polls reporting favorable numbers. Comey must have figured he was ingratiating himself with the incoming president by investigating the Trump campaign. He probably soiled his Hanes when Trump won in 2016. The media went into overdrive pushing Russian interference as the main reason Hillary lost. Putin's misinformation campaign orchestrated on social media was nothing compared to voter's distain for Clinton. She repeatedly expressed that the election was stolen and that Trump was an "illegitimate president" because she simply can't accept the fact that she lost on her own demerits.

People in this country form opinions based on very little information. They don't research issues in depth by scouring multiple sources to separate fact from fiction. This is why social media is so good at spreading conspiracy theories. Even so, I am against censorship by Twitter and Facebook. I'll assess the veracity of the information myself. I don't need someone to do it for me. And in doing so and occasionally writing about it, I have drew the wrath of progressive woke crusaders who wield the sharpest weapon in their quivers, that is, the power to cancel.

At the moment more than half the ads for my blog for which I pay Google to run have been taken down for "Destination not working." Since I use Blogger, Google's blogging software, there is no legitimate reason as to why my posts shouldn't load on all platforms. One of my ads was rejected because the mobile version font was set too small even thought I use all the default settings in Blogger for all of my posts. I tried to get help from Google Support, but they just appealed the decision and sent it back into the policy management system which arrived at the same conclusions.

Sadly, all the ads for the political pieces I wrote were rejected on October 27 just before the election on the grounds that they contained "inappropriate content" under the "Sensitive events policy." The policy states that Google "will restrict content which references the candidates, the election, or its outcome." A year ago I wrote a comic piece entitled, "Trump's Greatest Weakness," in which I railed on OJ Simpson, David Hasselhoff, Neil Diamond and Donald Trump. The article was widely read until Google determined that it contained inappropriate material given the upcoming election.

I set out to write this blog to hone my skills as a humorist. Initially, I posted twice a week for a year, then settled on every Tuesday. I vowed not to accept ads in the text as I hate reading articles that require one to repeatedly dismiss popups for a George Foreman grill. When I started, I wrote mostly whatever I found to be funny, current events, celebrity news, and occasionally medical procedures my doctor insisted I undergo. I often wrote about my wife and our two sons. I have been advised to pull or sanitized some of my funniest posts as our culture collectively becomes more easily offended.

It's hard to be a humorist while always contending with righteous indignation. That's why a lot of professional comedians like Jerry Seinfeld refuse to perform on college campuses. If Michelangelo was worried about being cancelled, all the figures on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would be wearing clothes. Likewise while all the anti-bullying efforts have made the younger generations much nicer people, it does tend to dull the wit. For example, if Stanley Kubrick's iconic 1960 film was rewritten today the line,

"I am Spartacus!"

would be replaced with,

"Ok boomer."

My friends texted me in regards to the election to see if the declaration of Biden's impending victory somehow troubled me in some way. A few refer to me as a Trump apologist as Ben Stein was to Nixon, but like Alan Dershowitz, I believe in the Constitution and the rule of law. Too bad the distinguished Harvard law professor was dispatched by an accusation of sordid behavior associated with Jeffrey Epstien. As I believed before, I still believe now. We must rally in support of whoever is elected even if we don't agree with all their policies. And it doesn't matter if they use awkward words or exhibit absurd mannerisms anymore than it is a concern as to the color of their skin.

Even if orange.

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Same Candidate, Different Election Day

Back in 2016, I wrote about the candidates that we were to select from in the upcoming election. I was especially interested in the third party nominees because I wasn't so sure about who the Republican and Democrat parties were pushing. Of course Donald Trump and Mike Pence beat out Hillary Clinton and some white guy she picked for a running mate. This past summer, I penned a guide to the 25 Democrat candidates vying for the White House. As all the people of color and women fell by the wayside, the last two standing were too old white guys. In the fall Bernie Sanders was almost fitted for a pine box as he was introduced to the words "myocardial infraction." Doctors slapped two stents into his clogged coronary artery, propped him up, then shoved him back into the fight. All Bernie's socialists ideas proved too radical for voters who settled on Joe Biden because he was widely regarded as an experienced centrist.

No one was more surprised than Biden when they told him that he had won. The first thing he said was,

"I call the Lincoln bedroom!"

His campaign advisers had to explain to him that he had just won his parties nomination, not the presidency and that the next step was to select a running mate who had to be a woke women. Later they further qualified the choice to a Black woke women which really pissed off Elizabeth Warren. She used to be a person of color until the results of her DNA test refuted her mammaw's family lore that although her grandfather had high cheekbones "like all of the Indians do," Warren is, in fact, not Native American.

The short list included California Representative Karen Bass, former National Security Advisor Susan Rice, Florida Representative Val Demmings and Senator Kamala Harris. All except Rice played significant roles in the House impeachment of Trump which made them look like they could take on the President. Rice had a role in the Russian collusion shit storm, the origins of which are being investigated by United States Attorney John Durham. Durham is known to be fair, impartial and unbiased, but I'm sure the mainstream media will describe him as "one of Trump's hired thugs" if his investigation implicates the Obama Administration for approving a plan to vilify Trump "by stirring up a scandal claiming interference by Russian security service" in attempts to deflect attention away from Hillary's private email debacle. 

Clinton repeatedly referred to Trump as an “illegitimate president” who colluded with the Russians to steal the election. She never exactly said what the Russians did except some vague remarks about false ads on social media. The Russians can’t make a car in which you can roll up the window, and we’re supposed to believe they used Facebook to change the outcome of the election? Now it’s Trump’s turn to claim the election was stolen and fraudulent.

Kamala Harris seemed like she'd be on the bottom of that short list since apart from backing Tara Reid's sexual assault allegation, she called out Biden during the debates for his stance on busing. Back in the 70's, Biden was vocally against the policy. Even though Harris recalled the story that she was bused to school as a little girl, desegregating schools by shuffling kids to other counties was very unpopular in Black communities. Many parents felt sending kids outside of their neighborhood left them feeling disconnected. In 1977, the Supreme Court determined that busing across district lines was unconstitutional.

In 2010, a little known Kamala Harris was running for District Attorney in California against three-term incumbent Steve Cooley. Ballot harvesting was not widely employed back then, but rumors circulated that Harris's team conducted mail ballot operations. The morning after the election, Cooley had won by a razor thin margin of less than a percentage point. Harris refused to concede. In the following weeks mail-in ballots were counted and contested in counties that were favorable to Harris. The final tally had Harris in the lead by 0.8% giving her the victory.

This election will see 80 million mail-in votes cast with ballot harvesting efforts underway in full force. Hillary Clinton publicly advised Biden "not to concede under any circumstance." She urged teams of supporters to work the polls and declared that eventually Biden will win. Unless the results are a landslide, the outcome will likely be contested for weeks, maybe months. Perhaps Kamala Harris was picked for her expertise and experience with data mining ballots for votes.

Harris certainly was not selected for her stellar knowledge of American history. During the vice presidential debates, she recalled a story that Abe Lincoln opted not to fill a seat on the Supreme Court prior to the election. Quoting Lincoln, Harris said,

"The American people deserve to make the decision about who will be the next president of the United States, and then that person will be able to select who will serve on the highest court of the land.”

Harris's history lesson was a fitting cautionary tale for the rushed appointment of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court, just eight days before the election. The only problem with this anecdote is that it's completely false. Lincoln couldn't have filled the vacancy on the court prior to the election since Congress was in recess until December. I’m surprised that Kamala didn’t mention all the other things Honest Abe did along with waiting until after the election to submit his nominee. Lincoln also wanted to get rid of the filibuster, pack the court, and spring for college and healthcare for people who walked into the country from Guatemala. He was an advocate for limiting the clip size in automatic weapons as well as spoke out about Global Warming in the Gettysburg Address which he delivered while wearing a mask.

As the election neared, the polls consistently showed Biden leading Trump, sometimes by double digits, even though Biden sometimes says incoherent things reminiscent of Ralphie's father wrestling with the furnace in A Christmas Story. The news media by and large refuses to pose any real questions to Biden even though it is unlikely that as the Leader of the Free World the foreign press and other heads of state will treat him so tenderly.

The other day Biden was buying ice cream at a local stand. Instead of quizzing the former vice president on the email which refers to the "big guy" receiving $10 million from a Chinese investment firm, a reporter asked him,

"Mr. Biden! What flavor did you get?"

Biden briefly studied his cup before he summoned,

"We got one vanilla, one chocolate. I wanted to get what we call a black and white."

A this point one of Biden's handlers can be heard saying,

"Oh, please no."

Biden continued,

"We're gonna move it, you know split it."

Thank God he didn't say that he puts the chocolate on the bottom and the vanilla on the top because that’s the way they always did it in Scranton.

I know Trump says far worse things, and his tweets make even his ardent supporters cringe with anticipation, but at least he's intelligible. Michael Moore gets it better than all of those who can't seem to get past the President’s orange hue. Sure, when Trump dances to the Village People’s YMCA, he looks like he’s flossing his head, but that doesn’t make him a white supremacist. Moore states that "Biden is pretty much doing what Hillary did" while referring to Trump as "smarter than all of us." The Democrats expect a different outcome after moving further left of the lessons learned in 2016 when people didn’t actually vote for Trump; they voted against Hillary.

How will history recall these events? It takes time but eventually an investigative journalist will unearth the truth. That’s how we know that the Civil War was really fought over women's reproductive rights.

Editor’s Note: People did not vote for Biden either; they voted against Trump. As in 2016, hate won out.

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Debatable Outcome

The first presidential debate of 2020 last week was best described as Bizarro World’s version of the Ice Capades. History does seem to be playing on a continuous loop. Trump reminded me of Dan Quayle during the vice presidential debates in 1992 when Quayle told Al Gore to inhale after repeatedly asserting,

“My turn!”


Biden was reminiscent of Admiral James Stockdale, Ross Perot’s bewildered running mate, who opened with,


“Who am I? Why am I here?”


Trump was prepped by none other than the former governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who advised the President to pants Biden if he strays from the lectern. After the debate, Christie said Trump “was too hot” for his numerous interruptions even though Christie showed Trump how to properly execute a weapons grade wedgie. All the President had to do is let Biden drone on about his 110 page plan Bernie Sanders co-wrote since by the third sentence he would’ve been talking about cockroaches, the blonde hair on his legs and loading spaghetti sauce with forklifts. Trump interrupted him so frequently he never gave Biden a chance to drift to that special place where the former Vice President cavorts with his childhood Pooh Bear.


Biden answered very few questions. Instead, he mostly looked into the camera and told the American people to vote. Admittedly, Biden did assert that he was the leader of his party more forcibly than Trump denounced the Proud Boys, a male-only organization that derives its name from the tune, Proud of You Boy, featured in the animated Disney musical, Aladdin. Like the President, I never heard of the Proud Boys before, and I doubt a group named after a song from a Disney cartoon are much of a real threat.


Trump erroneously thought the debate would be like one of his midwestern rallies attended by people taking a break from shooting hogs from a helicopter with an AR-15 to convene on the tarmac of the local airport and listen to the President credit his administration with saving Jesus from crucifixion. There was no screaming crowds waving signs of support like,


Combine Harvester Mechanics

for Trump


The President was expecting everyone in the audience to yell and scream in support even though moderator, Chris Wallace, told the audience at the onset to treat the debate like an Amish funeral. Instead of his mostly reserved family in the audience, Trump should’ve handpicked a few of his rally attendees, preferably those who spend Friday nights swinging from a rope tied to the bucket of an excavator as they soar over lukewarm, pea-green pond water.


Trump interjected more times than a Fox opinion anchor plugging their latest book. The President even interrupted Chris Wallace's verbose questions. Wallace seemed like he aspired to the presidency himself instead of settling on the salutatorian of the Sean Hannity Conservatory. Wallace even rolled out the tired old Charlottesville “both sides” quote and made Trump yet again explain himself. Biden thought they were talking about the Joni Mitchell tune and broke into song,


Rows and flows of orange hair

And ice cream castles in Pelosi’s lair

And pony soldiers everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way


Not to be outdone Trump dove in,


But now they only block the gun

They complain and snow everyone

So many things I would have done

But Schiff got in my way


Trump took the next verse too,


I've looked real loud from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's Russian collusion I recall

I really don't know Putin at all


Biden cleared his throat then crooned,


Moons and Junes and CornPop fears

The racist things I sometimes sneer

As every sniff of shoulder length hair

I've looked at girls that way


Wallace jumped in for the next verse confirming the rumor that he secretly shits in Sean Hannity’s bathroom and doesn’t flush,


But now it's just another show

I leave 'em gagging when I go

And if you dump, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away


Trump grabbed the next verses,


Impeached by clowns from both sides now

From Schumer to Romney, and still somehow

It’s Teflon Don I recall

I really won’t ever go at all


Germs and firms and feeling proud

To say "I love me" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and casino crowds

I've looked at life that way


Biden pointed to himself and belted,


But now old friends say I’m acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but Harris gained

It’s warming more every day


I've looked for life from both sides now

From shut up and clown, and still somehow

It’s all illusion I can’t recall

I really don't know where I am at all


All three brought it home with,


We’ve looked at polls from both sides now

From win and lose, and still somehow

It’s disinformation we recall

We really don't know truth at all


So who won the first presidential debate? Many news outlets were quick to declare Biden the victor mainly because the bar was set so low. Biden's entire campaign was concerned that he was going to excuse himself for the bathroom only to return with his shirttail poking out his fly and toilet paper streaming from his shoe. Biden refused to answer Wallace's question concerning his party's push to get rid of the filibuster and pack the Supreme Court. He responded that whatever position he takes "that'll become the issue." I think it's already an issue since some in his party want to pack the senate by granting statehood to Puerto Rico and Washington DC and pack the country by granting citizenship to millions of undocumented pole vaulters.


Gone was any of the wit Trump unloaded on Hillary in the 2016 debates. Neither candidate delivered a single, notable quip. The most memorable moments in past debates were always those that made us laugh like in 1984 when Ronald Regan responded to concerns that at the age of 73, he was too old to run for president,


"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponents youth and inexperience."


Or in 1988 when Lloyde Bentsen responded to Dan Quayle's claim that he had as much experience as JFK,


"I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.”


Since neither candidate entertained us with memorable zingers, I have to declare Chris Wallace the winner. Wallace maintained marginal control wedged between two enormous egos and Biden’s also. His questions were often pointed and nearly as long as either candidate’s answers. Also, his hair looked good.


I’m hoping next time we’ll have less squabbling and more clapback. Maybe then people might get enthusiastic enough to vote for someone other than a third party candidate who is on the ballot in only one state. When a live presidential debate is less interesting than reruns of reality TV, you know it's time to reimagine the process of selecting the leader of the free world.

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Ten years ago my wife, Christine and our two boys, Aidan and William, and I were on vacation in a warm place with our friends from Californi...