Robot Apocalypse

Some people believe that someday robots will take over the world. Smart people like the late Stephen Hawking posited artificial intelligence was the biggest threat to humankind. He claimed,

"The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race."

Bill Gates, the cofounder of Microsoft and one of the richest men in the world, said about AI,

"I don't understand why some people are not concerned."

The maker of the self driving electric car and Falcon rocket, Elon Musk, referred to artificial intelligence as the"fundamental risk to the existence of civilization."

That's pretty serious pub talk which usually necessitates more than one pint before men depart from discussing female anatomy for the more sinister subject of a robot apocalypse. Movie franchises like Terminator also paint a bleak picture for mankind. After a month of learning at a geometric rate, Skynet became self aware at 2:40 am EST on August 29, 1997. The military brass, sensing pending doom, attempted to pull the plug after which robots became major dickheads. A similar thing happened at Facebook recently when a group of software engineers tried to create an AI software system which started to communicate in a completely new language, undecipherable by humans. In a panic, they cut the power before the system became self aware and started posting favorable reviews of Ben Shapiro.

The Matrix is yet another film in which a computer takes over the world, albeit an alien backed hardware system that smokes anything Microsoft or Google ginned up. Humans are enslaved as batteries to supply power to the vast matrix even though solar would have been way cheaper and would have involved far less fluids. Agents, software constructs that prowl the matrix, exploit humans at will to keep everything running smoothly. The last installment of the trilogy doesn't offer good news for the human race who don't eventually prevail over the alien super computer. Instead, we agree not to mess with them as long as they don't mess with us which is pretty much the US foreign policy with Russia.

Then there was Transformers which had robots disguised as vehicles waging war on earth. The good guys, the Autobots, wanted to use the AllSpark to rebuild Cybertron, their home planet, while the Decepticons dreamt of an army of machines here on earth. Luckily the Autobots found mankind worth saving, but the Decepticons, who evidently learned about humans from social media, prefer to wipe us off the planet.

I'm inclined to fear technology since for me it's becoming mostly an unknown. There are so many things being developed today on the technology front, it's no wonder old farts like me, Bill Gates and Elon Musk pants shit when someone mentions something new. Take for instance the demise of my TV set recently. A friend of mine who has got ten years on me is convinced that what caused my Samsung flat screen to shit the futon was,

"All that technology you plugged into it."

He was referring to an Xbox, a Wii and a DVD. He also exclaimed adamantly that YouTube was the likely culprit that took down my TV. I tried to explain to him that smart TVs run all sorts of apps, but he was having no part of it.

"All those gizmos are going to cause a fire," he asserted.

Old people always think technology spontaneously combusts. I recall my mother being afraid of the microwave oven, certain that one day it would explode in her kitchen and burn her house down. Instead she used a toaster oven which she left on one time and damn near melted the linoleum. I think all this fear of technology is due to the aging nature of society's brain trust. If you want to see real robots in action, all you have to do is check out the DARPA Robotics Challenge.

The robots are tasked to perform mundane things like walking up stairs or exiting a vehicle. Most entrants move through the course at the pace of a line at the DMV while onboard processors crunch algorithms to calculate the next move. Many robots fall over for seemingly no reason at all. One comes crashing down while trying to turn a doorknob. Another, attempting to traverse a doorway, falls on its mechanical ass. Seems like most robots are a greater threat to themselves rather than to us.

Even Facebook engineers explained that their AI bot was shutdown not in response to a perceived threat, but because it was replaced by a more advanced construct, that is, they canned the original because it was too lame. In Terminator, Skynet made some obvious miscalculations. When holding up in a cheap motel, Arnold Schwarzenegger is blowing it up in his room when the manager comes by and asks,

"Hey buddy. You got a dead cat in there or what?"

The advanced processor in the terminator's head arrives at these six possible responses,

Possible Responses to the Dead Cat Question

and picks the correct answer, that is,

"Fuck you, asshole."

Considering that #4 made the list tells me that robots have trouble understanding simple human interactions. This is why they will never be a real threat to the human race. After all, robots are stumped by this,



Robots can't find all the bridges, and we worry that they're gonna take over the world? It's doubtful that robots are going to get any smarter because fewer and fewer kids are going into STEM these days. I think human intelligence probably peaked two decades ago with the invention of the Flowbee, the home haircutting system. Even though more people are going to college than ever, most are working towards worthless degrees like Hospitality Management which, as far as I can tell, is a degree in being nice. It's unlikely today that a college graduate is going to create a revolutionary microprocessor that will eventually lead to the extinction of the human race.

I'll tell you, Bill Gates, why people are unconcerned with artificial intelligence. Because robots are stupid.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on June 26, 2018.