Weekend at Hillary's

Hillary’s recent health issues have been made more evident by the videos that have surfaced showing the secret service ushering a stumbling Clinton into a waiting van. It was reminiscent of the movie, Weekend at Bernie’s, in which two employees must convince the world that their deceased boss is still alive. Hillary was clearly shaky, needed support and looked like she might not be counted in the census anymore.

Running for the nation’s highest office is demanding with all the public appearance, speeches, debates and opportunities for the media to photograph you with a something hanging from your nose. It’s tough enough shaking all those hands at 68 on top of being two sneezes away from brunch with Jesus. So Hillary picked up a touch of pneumonia at Ground Zero. Initially, her camp said she was overcome by the heat. Or maybe, she ate one of those wieners that the street vendors sell in New York City. Whenever I eat one, I swear you can hear your arteries hardening. It's like corn growing.

In 1841, William Henry Harrison, also 68 years old, caught a cold at his inauguration that developed into pneumonia. He handed in his dinner pail shortly thereafter. A decade later Zachary Taylor fell ill from cholera and clocked out of life in a record five days. With all the medical advancements today, being the Leader of the Free World while also being sick as a dog is no big deal. Just look at Dick Cheney. He had his fourth heart attack shortly after the polls opened in 2000. He served eight years as Vice President without a hitch, then he went hunting with a few of his buddies. He ended up shooting his friend in the face. It's ironic that a dude who has his own saddle for the pale horse nearly killed a guy.

It makes me wonder why people who are certainly on their last hundred or so breaths would want to take on a relatively low paying, high stress job. Ronald Regan at 73 was the oldest person to run for office. We later learned that he was likely suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers during his final term. I think the narcissism of these people is so extreme that they would soldier on through enormous pressure just to be the top dog. I wonder if the first George Bush thought being Commander in Chief was a fun job when he fell ill on a trip to Japan and hurled executive orders into the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Hillary's coughing fit, just a few days ago, was painful to watch. If you've ever had to publicly speak with a piece of yarn caught in your throat then you know what she was going through. She just kept coughing and pointing, then coughing more, then drinking water. When she tried to talk that just made it all worse. Somebody gave her a little throat lozenge which she squirrelled away without a word because all she could do is point and cough and drink. I was afraid that all that water was going to overwhelm her Depends.

 

It's entirely possible that like the film, Weekend at Bernie's, Hillary isn't alive, and that her team has been carting her around to all these events for years to make it appear she's still with us. Maybe she didn't pass out at home and hit her head but instead passed away. It makes a lot of sense. Her coughing fit was just a ruse to eat up the clock. The private email server was how her team answered her emails. Not only was she asleep during the Bengazi attack, she was taking a dirt nap. This is also why Bill has had so many girlfriends. As he puts it,

"I ain't cheating on ma wife. The bitch is dead."

It's also why she does so poorly in the debates. She even lost a shoe in this latest incident that had to be recovered by the New York PD. Did you ever wonder why her team hides her away for weeks at a time? Not to mention all this talk of body doubles. Bill once referred to Hillary as "frigid." Who knew he meant it literally?

Choosing the president is a difficult task made even more harrowing when the candidates are senior citizens. As the rest of us get older and start developing unrealistic phobias like a fear of beards, presidential candidates seek more decision making opportunities, more pressure. Just when they're incapable of putting on their socks by themselves, we turn to them to decide what to do in the Middle-East. When what type of cornflakes to choose in the morning is a difficult decision, we want them to turn around a slumping economy. When they start referring to their little dog as their "favorite grandchild," we ask them to fix healthcare. When Social Security needs shoring up, we look to them, even though they can't open a jar of pickles. We want affordable housing, healthcare, medication and tuition and they want cheap dentures. We throw the toughest challenges faced by the country at them just when they're challenged by a flight of stairs, and we're surprised when they make a mess of it all.

I just hope Hillary got her shoe back.