So Long, Loki

There are terrible things going on in the world, earthquakes, terrorism, famine, flood, pestilence. Nothing comes as close to the one thing that gets me down more than anything else. You guessed it; Taylor Swift broke up with Tom Hiddleston. What next, I ask you?

Taylor Swift

I don't get it. He wore that "I ❤️ TS" shirt this summer. I know Hiddleston is British and all, but he has to understand that when you do something like that over the Fourth of July in this country, that means something. I think Tom is a bit of a prat. Not only would I have never taken a part as Thor's evil, adoptive, brother, I would never be photographed at 35 years old wearing a "I ❤️Anything" T-shirt. I'm sure it was Taylor's idea. She probably gave it to him as a reward for rearranging her stuffed animals.

Still yet, don't they understand how hard this is on people like us? I have to change up again! I just got used to Calvin Harris, a dude whose real name is "Adam." He chose "Calvin" as a stage name presumably because he thought it was smashing which will give you an idea where his head is. Calvin is a Scottish deejay and an on again, off again underwear model. He said all the publicity being with Taylor was hard on him. Rubbish! I think being in your skivvies on a 62 foot billboard in Times Square with your bollocks on display is slight more dodgy than dating TayTay. What a wanker!

Calvin is probably a Sean Connery fan because Connery is the most sober thing that came out of Scotland in decades. This was bad news for Taylor. Connery, you might remember, told Barbara Walters a few decades back,

"It’s not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then."

Now, I shouldn't stereotype. Not everyone from Scotland is a drunken wife beater. That's more like Ireland.



Calvin Harris

Just when I was getting used to Calvin being around, Taylor ships him back to the high country with some bad blood over collaboration on Rihanna's smash hit, This Is What You Came For. I'm not sure what went down, but the best I can tell is somebody named "Nils Sjoberg" claimed that Calvin said Taylor wrote the song. Then Calvin wasn't supposed to say anything, but he did anyway, or something like that.

So now, the news media is saying that Taylor and Tom were worlds apart, hers in Rhode Island and his in London. True, London is no Rhode Island, but you'd think that social media would have helped them stay connected. I mean they got 140 characters on Twitter. Isn't that enough? Or is it the "me" generation always wanting more?

Then, Kanye goes all aggro again. What I learned from that episode is that "bitch" and the n-word are terms of endearment in hip hop. Often, the latter is a racist slur that gets you kicked off the planet. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow. She tweeted the name of a song that used the n-word in the title, and was immediately called out on social media. It's all very complicated.

I also learned about "Amber Rose," but I'm not sure who she either. She did something on YouTube; I think the first double backflip on a BMX bike. She also married, had a kid with, then divorced a rapper named, Wiz Khalifa, who, I understand, is quite popular even though his stage name is synonymous with a nature call.



Kanye West

Taylor be ass out when it comes to presenting Kanye with the Video Vanguard Award at the same award ceremony in which he unloaded his 40 ounce rant in support of Beyoncé. Kanye's latest revelation is that he’s green with people who think he should "take down Taylor." Kanye needs to step down from his "thrown" and reassess his goals in life. A guy who wants to be the Man in 2020, who can't spell and needs to smoke reefer to get through his announcement speech, calls a female recording artist a "bitch." Even Trump can't pull that one off.

Whatever the case may be, Taylor needs to shake it off and regroup. Thank God Harry Styles is unavailable. I thought Tom was a keeper when I got one look at that "I ❤️ TS" shirt, but maybe he was really saying he liked taco salads. That would make more sense. John Mayer would've never worn a shirt like that. It wasn't Loki's finest hour, let me tell you.
 

Tom Hiddleston

The fact is Tom was a transition boyfriend. Transition guys take all the abuse that should have been dumped on the previous dude, all while not getting a fraction the last guy got. They also don't get any songs written about them either. He reminds me a little of Prince Charles except slightly more pathetic. I still can't see dumping Diana for Camilla Parker Bowles who in the 80's looked like ten miles of Mick Jagger. Tom will soldier on in the way that the British always do. He'll get over Taylor by summiting a peak or something.

Taylor will be okay. She's got plenty of friends, money and cats to get her through this latest breakup. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. What are we to do? We're not British anymore so we can't find solace in being the first to do something, and collectively we all have less friends, money and cats than Taylor.

Brilliant, you all!