Huma Weiner Calls It Quits

The longtime right hand woman to Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin, has called it quits on her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In 2011, Weiner, a congressman from New York, resigned from the House amid allegations that the newly married congressman sent pictures, bare chested in his underpants, to some woman following him on twitter. Some of the pictures looked like Weiner had a Ronco Pocket Fisherman in his BVDs. After brushing off the incident as a computer hack, then a joke, Weiner eventually fessed up and apologized to his wife. Abedin was pregnant at the time, and while it wasn’t the best thing that could have happened, I can see why she stuck it out. Her boss, Hillary Clinton, encouraged her to reconcile which considering the details of Bill’s extramarital hijinks, Weiner’s pictures in his skivvies where almost not worth mentioning. He paid heavily, though, for the impromptu Calvin Klein shots with his seat in congress.

During the 2013 mayoral race in New York City, Weiner sent another batch of scratch and sniff photos to Sydney Leather, a 22 year old woman from Indiana. During a news conference, Weiner expressed regret for his actions. Huma was by his side, ready to forgive him once again. His wife exhibited more restraint than a Catholic, and people think Muslims are extremists. Weiner used the alias “Carlos Danger” while sexting. Carlos was defeated drawing less than 5% of the votes which is not surprising since in an earlier election bid, he lost the party nomination to a write in candidate.

Recently, more of Weiner’s selfie stick pictures surfaced, this time one which included his toddler son. Prior to this one picture, most of Weiner’s questionable selfies, described in the media as “sexually explicit,” were bare chested pics of Weiner flexing in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger pose. A few of the underwear shots clearly show that he's locked and loaded. I read that there is one bare ass shot out there, but I didn’t search online long because I don’t want the US PRISM surveillance network recording in a database that I was looking intently for a picture of Anthony Weiner’s ass.

I, for one, am very disappointed. When Abedin and Weiner announced their engagement, I had high hopes for peace in the Middle-East. The way I figure it, if a proud, educated, Muslim woman, raised in Saudi Arabia could marry a Jewish kid from Brooklyn, then just maybe I would be able to tick off visiting the pyramids from my bucket list. But, just like peace in the Middle-East, it never lasts.

Bill Clinton officiated their wedding in 2010. I imagine during the ceremony, Bill talked about the sacrament of marriage, fidelity, discretion, and keeping sexting to a minimum. His “I Met a Girl Speech” he delivered at the DNC left out all the other girls Bill met over the years. And some people say gays are making a mockery of marriage.

The news media has reported that "sources close to the Clintons" say that Hillary and Bill have had enough of Weiner. I think the source might be Bill Clinton’s busty, Chappaqua neighbor, girlfriend who the Secret Service codenamed the “energizer.” Apparently “E” and Bill play hide the Cuban whenever Hillary is on the campaign trail. Weiner commenting on Trump said,

“…a lot of people... say to me, ‘Boy, compared to inviting the Russians to come hack someone’s email, your thing seems almost quaint.’”

Well, maybe compared to Bill’s thing, Weiner’s thing seems quaint.

I have to concede that Trump was right. When Weiner was running for mayor, Trump was very vocal saying that Huma should jump ship. He explicitly stated that Huma should get out of there before Weiner does it again. Recently, Weiner said that he would come out of retirement from politics to run against Trump for mayor beating him like "a rented mule." Weiner would have to gain a party nomination first before he could go head to head against Trump. Weiner discussing rented mules will certainly make voters uneasy. If pictures surface of Weiner and animals in his underwear with Lieutenant Dan standing at attention, then I don't think he could beat Martin Shkreli, the former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

You know, you don’t have to be Theresa Caputo, channeling Gandhi to predict that Weiner wasn’t going to give up his publishing career. After resigning from congress, the dude had way too much free time on his hands, not to mention access to computers. Just as Bill Clinton in his advanced age continues to perform the disappearing cigar trick when Hillary is on the campaign trail, Weiner continued his quaint hobby while his wife accompanied her.

Maybe, Hillary will be next. Women tend to divorce in groups. I think it has something to do with sharing pictures of food on social media, but I could be wrong. I think Huma and Weiner were doomed from day one. They had the whole Palestinian / Israeli conflict working against them, they were married by the world's leading womanizer whose fan club president is Charlie Sheen, she never took his last name because it's a colloquialism for “penis,” and Huma is way better looking than Weiner.

Bill better look out. If Hillary starts posting pictures of treacle tarts on social media, he’ll be next. In fact, if Hillary unloads Bill before the election, I’ll vote for her. Then at least we won’t have to decide what to call him. He’ll be the First Gentlemen, you know.

At least half of that is right.