So Long, Loki

There are terrible things going on in the world, earthquakes, terrorism, famine, flood, pestilence. Nothing comes as close to the one thing that gets me down more than anything else. You guessed it; Taylor Swift broke up with Tom Hiddleston. What next, I ask you?

Taylor Swift

I don't get it. He wore that "I ❤️ TS" shirt this summer. I know Hiddleston is British and all, but he has to understand that when you do something like that over the Fourth of July in this country, that means something. I think Tom is a bit of a prat. Not only would I have never taken a part as Thor's evil, adoptive, brother, I would never be photographed at 35 years old wearing a "I ❤️Anything" T-shirt. I'm sure it was Taylor's idea. She probably gave it to him as a reward for rearranging her stuffed animals.

Still yet, don't they understand how hard this is on people like us? I have to change up again! I just got used to Calvin Harris, a dude whose real name is "Adam." He chose "Calvin" as a stage name presumably because he thought it was smashing which will give you an idea where his head is. Calvin is a Scottish deejay and an on again, off again underwear model. He said all the publicity being with Taylor was hard on him. Rubbish! I think being in your skivvies on a 62 foot billboard in Times Square with your bollocks on display is slight more dodgy than dating TayTay. What a wanker!

Calvin is probably a Sean Connery fan because Connery is the most sober thing that came out of Scotland in decades. This was bad news for Taylor. Connery, you might remember, told Barbara Walters a few decades back,

"It’s not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then."

Now, I shouldn't stereotype. Not everyone from Scotland is a drunken wife beater. That's more like Ireland.



Calvin Harris

Just when I was getting used to Calvin being around, Taylor ships him back to the high country with some bad blood over collaboration on Rihanna's smash hit, This Is What You Came For. I'm not sure what went down, but the best I can tell is somebody named "Nils Sjoberg" claimed that Calvin said Taylor wrote the song. Then Calvin wasn't supposed to say anything, but he did anyway, or something like that.

So now, the news media is saying that Taylor and Tom were worlds apart, hers in Rhode Island and his in London. True, London is no Rhode Island, but you'd think that social media would have helped them stay connected. I mean they got 140 characters on Twitter. Isn't that enough? Or is it the "me" generation always wanting more?

Then, Kanye goes all aggro again. What I learned from that episode is that "bitch" and the n-word are terms of endearment in hip hop. Often, the latter is a racist slur that gets you kicked off the planet. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow. She tweeted the name of a song that used the n-word in the title, and was immediately called out on social media. It's all very complicated.

I also learned about "Amber Rose," but I'm not sure who she either. She did something on YouTube; I think the first double backflip on a BMX bike. She also married, had a kid with, then divorced a rapper named, Wiz Khalifa, who, I understand, is quite popular even though his stage name is synonymous with a nature call.



Kanye West

Taylor be ass out when it comes to presenting Kanye with the Video Vanguard Award at the same award ceremony in which he unloaded his 40 ounce rant in support of Beyoncé. Kanye's latest revelation is that he’s green with people who think he should "take down Taylor." Kanye needs to step down from his "thrown" and reassess his goals in life. A guy who wants to be the Man in 2020, who can't spell and needs to smoke reefer to get through his announcement speech, calls a female recording artist a "bitch." Even Trump can't pull that one off.

Whatever the case may be, Taylor needs to shake it off and regroup. Thank God Harry Styles is unavailable. I thought Tom was a keeper when I got one look at that "I ❤️ TS" shirt, but maybe he was really saying he liked taco salads. That would make more sense. John Mayer would've never worn a shirt like that. It wasn't Loki's finest hour, let me tell you.
 

Tom Hiddleston

The fact is Tom was a transition boyfriend. Transition guys take all the abuse that should have been dumped on the previous dude, all while not getting a fraction the last guy got. They also don't get any songs written about them either. He reminds me a little of Prince Charles except slightly more pathetic. I still can't see dumping Diana for Camilla Parker Bowles who in the 80's looked like ten miles of Mick Jagger. Tom will soldier on in the way that the British always do. He'll get over Taylor by summiting a peak or something.

Taylor will be okay. She's got plenty of friends, money and cats to get her through this latest breakup. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. What are we to do? We're not British anymore so we can't find solace in being the first to do something, and collectively we all have less friends, money and cats than Taylor.

Brilliant, you all!

Weekend at Hillary's

Hillary’s recent health issues have been made more evident by the videos that have surfaced showing the secret service ushering a stumbling Clinton into a waiting van. It was reminiscent of the movie, Weekend at Bernie’s, in which two employees must convince the world that their deceased boss is still alive. Hillary was clearly shaky, needed support and looked like she might not be counted in the census anymore.

Running for the nation’s highest office is demanding with all the public appearance, speeches, debates and opportunities for the media to photograph you with a something hanging from your nose. It’s tough enough shaking all those hands at 68 on top of being two sneezes away from brunch with Jesus. So Hillary picked up a touch of pneumonia at Ground Zero. Initially, her camp said she was overcome by the heat. Or maybe, she ate one of those wieners that the street vendors sell in New York City. Whenever I eat one, I swear you can hear your arteries hardening. It's like corn growing.

In 1841, William Henry Harrison, also 68 years old, caught a cold at his inauguration that developed into pneumonia. He handed in his dinner pail shortly thereafter. A decade later Zachary Taylor fell ill from cholera and clocked out of life in a record five days. With all the medical advancements today, being the Leader of the Free World while also being sick as a dog is no big deal. Just look at Dick Cheney. He had his fourth heart attack shortly after the polls opened in 2000. He served eight years as Vice President without a hitch, then he went hunting with a few of his buddies. He ended up shooting his friend in the face. It's ironic that a dude who has his own saddle for the pale horse nearly killed a guy.

It makes me wonder why people who are certainly on their last hundred or so breaths would want to take on a relatively low paying, high stress job. Ronald Regan at 73 was the oldest person to run for office. We later learned that he was likely suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers during his final term. I think the narcissism of these people is so extreme that they would soldier on through enormous pressure just to be the top dog. I wonder if the first George Bush thought being Commander in Chief was a fun job when he fell ill on a trip to Japan and hurled executive orders into the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Hillary's coughing fit, just a few days ago, was painful to watch. If you've ever had to publicly speak with a piece of yarn caught in your throat then you know what she was going through. She just kept coughing and pointing, then coughing more, then drinking water. When she tried to talk that just made it all worse. Somebody gave her a little throat lozenge which she squirrelled away without a word because all she could do is point and cough and drink. I was afraid that all that water was going to overwhelm her Depends.

 

It's entirely possible that like the film, Weekend at Bernie's, Hillary isn't alive, and that her team has been carting her around to all these events for years to make it appear she's still with us. Maybe she didn't pass out at home and hit her head but instead passed away. It makes a lot of sense. Her coughing fit was just a ruse to eat up the clock. The private email server was how her team answered her emails. Not only was she asleep during the Bengazi attack, she was taking a dirt nap. This is also why Bill has had so many girlfriends. As he puts it,

"I ain't cheating on ma wife. The bitch is dead."

It's also why she does so poorly in the debates. She even lost a shoe in this latest incident that had to be recovered by the New York PD. Did you ever wonder why her team hides her away for weeks at a time? Not to mention all this talk of body doubles. Bill once referred to Hillary as "frigid." Who knew he meant it literally?

Choosing the president is a difficult task made even more harrowing when the candidates are senior citizens. As the rest of us get older and start developing unrealistic phobias like a fear of beards, presidential candidates seek more decision making opportunities, more pressure. Just when they're incapable of putting on their socks by themselves, we turn to them to decide what to do in the Middle-East. When what type of cornflakes to choose in the morning is a difficult decision, we want them to turn around a slumping economy. When they start referring to their little dog as their "favorite grandchild," we ask them to fix healthcare. When Social Security needs shoring up, we look to them, even though they can't open a jar of pickles. We want affordable housing, healthcare, medication and tuition and they want cheap dentures. We throw the toughest challenges faced by the country at them just when they're challenged by a flight of stairs, and we're surprised when they make a mess of it all.

I just hope Hillary got her shoe back.

Huma Weiner Calls It Quits

The longtime right hand woman to Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin, has called it quits on her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In 2011, Weiner, a congressman from New York, resigned from the House amid allegations that the newly married congressman sent pictures, bare chested in his underpants, to some woman following him on twitter. Some of the pictures looked like Weiner had a Ronco Pocket Fisherman in his BVDs. After brushing off the incident as a computer hack, then a joke, Weiner eventually fessed up and apologized to his wife. Abedin was pregnant at the time, and while it wasn’t the best thing that could have happened, I can see why she stuck it out. Her boss, Hillary Clinton, encouraged her to reconcile which considering the details of Bill’s extramarital hijinks, Weiner’s pictures in his skivvies where almost not worth mentioning. He paid heavily, though, for the impromptu Calvin Klein shots with his seat in congress.

During the 2013 mayoral race in New York City, Weiner sent another batch of scratch and sniff photos to Sydney Leather, a 22 year old woman from Indiana. During a news conference, Weiner expressed regret for his actions. Huma was by his side, ready to forgive him once again. His wife exhibited more restraint than a Catholic, and people think Muslims are extremists. Weiner used the alias “Carlos Danger” while sexting. Carlos was defeated drawing less than 5% of the votes which is not surprising since in an earlier election bid, he lost the party nomination to a write in candidate.

Recently, more of Weiner’s selfie stick pictures surfaced, this time one which included his toddler son. Prior to this one picture, most of Weiner’s questionable selfies, described in the media as “sexually explicit,” were bare chested pics of Weiner flexing in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger pose. A few of the underwear shots clearly show that he's locked and loaded. I read that there is one bare ass shot out there, but I didn’t search online long because I don’t want the US PRISM surveillance network recording in a database that I was looking intently for a picture of Anthony Weiner’s ass.

I, for one, am very disappointed. When Abedin and Weiner announced their engagement, I had high hopes for peace in the Middle-East. The way I figure it, if a proud, educated, Muslim woman, raised in Saudi Arabia could marry a Jewish kid from Brooklyn, then just maybe I would be able to tick off visiting the pyramids from my bucket list. But, just like peace in the Middle-East, it never lasts.

Bill Clinton officiated their wedding in 2010. I imagine during the ceremony, Bill talked about the sacrament of marriage, fidelity, discretion, and keeping sexting to a minimum. His “I Met a Girl Speech” he delivered at the DNC left out all the other girls Bill met over the years. And some people say gays are making a mockery of marriage.

The news media has reported that "sources close to the Clintons" say that Hillary and Bill have had enough of Weiner. I think the source might be Bill Clinton’s busty, Chappaqua neighbor, girlfriend who the Secret Service codenamed the “energizer.” Apparently “E” and Bill play hide the Cuban whenever Hillary is on the campaign trail. Weiner commenting on Trump said,

“…a lot of people... say to me, ‘Boy, compared to inviting the Russians to come hack someone’s email, your thing seems almost quaint.’”

Well, maybe compared to Bill’s thing, Weiner’s thing seems quaint.

I have to concede that Trump was right. When Weiner was running for mayor, Trump was very vocal saying that Huma should jump ship. He explicitly stated that Huma should get out of there before Weiner does it again. Recently, Weiner said that he would come out of retirement from politics to run against Trump for mayor beating him like "a rented mule." Weiner would have to gain a party nomination first before he could go head to head against Trump. Weiner discussing rented mules will certainly make voters uneasy. If pictures surface of Weiner and animals in his underwear with Lieutenant Dan standing at attention, then I don't think he could beat Martin Shkreli, the former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

You know, you don’t have to be Theresa Caputo, channeling Gandhi to predict that Weiner wasn’t going to give up his publishing career. After resigning from congress, the dude had way too much free time on his hands, not to mention access to computers. Just as Bill Clinton in his advanced age continues to perform the disappearing cigar trick when Hillary is on the campaign trail, Weiner continued his quaint hobby while his wife accompanied her.

Maybe, Hillary will be next. Women tend to divorce in groups. I think it has something to do with sharing pictures of food on social media, but I could be wrong. I think Huma and Weiner were doomed from day one. They had the whole Palestinian / Israeli conflict working against them, they were married by the world's leading womanizer whose fan club president is Charlie Sheen, she never took his last name because it's a colloquialism for “penis,” and Huma is way better looking than Weiner.

Bill better look out. If Hillary starts posting pictures of treacle tarts on social media, he’ll be next. In fact, if Hillary unloads Bill before the election, I’ll vote for her. Then at least we won’t have to decide what to call him. He’ll be the First Gentlemen, you know.

At least half of that is right.