Phelps Smashes Leonidas of Rhodes 2168 Year Record



 

It was bound to happen with today's innovations in spandex and Gator Aide. Michael Phelps, the man a little more at home in Shamu's pool at SeaWorld than his home town of Baltimore, finally has more Olympic medals than anyone else. He trounced Leonidas of Rhodes long time record.

Leonidas was not a swimmer like Phelps. He was a talented runner like Bruce Jenner, before Bruce went through menopause. Unlike runners today, Leonidas ran his heats in the buff. All olympians competed naked in those days. I can’t image running a road race in the nude under the hot summer sun, let alone wrestling, but that’s the way they did it. Nudity was the fashion statement in athletics in ancient Greece. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word “gymos” which means “buck naked.” I'm sure the taunting back in those days must have been awful. There was probably a lot of anatomical shaming to psych out your opponent. Say what you want about the ancient Greeks, they sure knew how to have fun.

Phelps has size fourteen feet so not surprisingly he excels at swimming having what is best described as two flippers to propel his six foot four frame. He also benefits from a whole host of technology not available in Leonidas's time like Advil and Tommy Copper to name a few. Ironically cupping therapy, the Phelps go to treatment for muscle pain, was around in Leonidas era. It dates back to 400 BC when it was used in Greece by Hippocrates, who came up with a moralistic oath sworn by all doctors today that states a doctor shall not order unnecessary tests just to run up the bill. 

Leonidas probably required a good cupping session after competing in the Hoplitodromos, a 800 meter run in full armor. He medaled several years in a row in the "hoppy" as they used to call it. Actually, Leonidas never got a single medal. Back in his day, they gave out wreaths that the Olympians wore on their heads. Leonidas "wreathed" in other running events, namely the Stadion and Diaulos, events equivalent to the 200m and 400m of today, except that after crossing the finish line the winner was expected to endure a congratulatory knee to the groin from every competitor. The Spartans were even tougher than the Greeks. Not only did they regard helmets as an unnecessary nuisance in battle, when they crossed the finish line, they kicked themselves in the nuts.

Leonidas probably did not get the kinds of lucrative deals modern day Olympians enjoy today although he did land an exclusive sponsorship for the wheel. Phelps on the other hand was picked up by Speedo, Under Armor and Cheech and Chong's Bong Magic.

All records are there to be broken. Leonidas of Rhodes had a good run. It was probably a little easier to get away with doping in Leonidas's day, but it was much harder to win. Just imagine running with a metal helmet with no foam padding under the hot sun while carrying a fifty pound bronze shield that your penis keeps banging into. Makes a swim competition look like a leisure activity.