 |
"Greenland is not for sale, but if we were considering it, what kind of numbers are we talking about here?"
The way I see it, Denmark should downsize before Justin Bieber ruins the country like he did Iceland. After Bieber filmed a music video in the Nordic island nation, Iceland was inundated with fans who apparently trampled a remote scenic canyon. With plant and animal life found nowhere else in the world, the terrain couldn't absorb the millions of "beliebers" urinating on the fragile ecosystem. Rich in minerals and other resources, Greenland is primarily an exporter of fish and shrimp. The Northeast Greenland National Park, the largest and most northern national park in the world, gets as many as two visitors each year. The vast majority of Greenland is covered by ice, upwards to 3/4 of the country. Most of the resources are buried under twelve feet of snow. If the people of Greenland ever catch onto the shovel, we're screwed. They'll never sell.
Greenland has very little illegal immigration. In fact, upwards to sixty percent of the country's 56,480 inhabitants don't want to be there either. They also have very few mass shootings which after becoming part of the United States will help us lower our stats. It makes perfect sense why President Trump wants to purchase Greenland. By ignoring global warming, the United States will become uninhabitable in twelve short years while Greenland will transform into a seasonably warm, resource rich, destination vacation hotspot. Trump will be selling time shares to his resorts in Greenland while the rest of us will be living beyond Thunderdome.
The last time the US tried to purchase Greenland, it was 1946. Harry S. Truman offered Denmark $100 million, $1.3 billion in todays' dollars. Although a lot of money, it would cost the US mint only about two hundred bucks in ink and paper to print up that kind of scratch. I'm sure Greenland has appreciated a bit since then, but I would be careful when dealing with a wheeler-dealer like Donald J. Trump especially when it comes to real estate.
The way I see it if history repeats itself, after purchasing Greenland for a little more than a keg of beer, a mirror, two horses and some trinkets and baubles, Americans would pile in and settle the country. After an extensive government campaign to educate the local inhabitants about the perils posed by vaccines, ninety-five percent of the indigenous peoples would be wiped out by a particularly resilient strain of swine flu. The remaining roughly three thousand native people would be relocated to reservations until someone finds a resource underfoot which can be exploited for profit. The government would simply move them to some other, less inhabitable, more northerly part of the island, clearing the way for industrial scale strip mining. Federal recognition based on a minor portion of their nationality would spurn on a claim of heritage allowing for the construction of casinos on the reservations. Entertainment venues at the tribal casinos would draw in musical legends like Hall and Oats, Neil Diamond and Bowser from Sha Na Na. Even though they will have lost their sovereign lands and traditional fishing grounds, they would still have plenty of money for flat screen TVs. And I'm not talking about those crappy 40" models either. They'd be able to buy the big ones.
Norse legend says that Erik the Red named Greenland to attract people to settle there. Conversely, Iceland was named by a Norwegian Viking who didn't want anyone to come to the country. Even though the latter story, occasionally taught in middle school, is probably a fable, I would think as the Trump administration continues to develop a plan to acquire the vast island of Greenland, the tale is more true today than ever. If the people of Greenland want to keep the Trump administration at bay, they could always try renaming their country to a less attractive, unpopular name like "Shithole" or maybe "Thunderdome." Something like that.
No comments:
Post a Comment