Down with People

International
Symbol of Ill Will

Of all the things scientists warn us about like global warming, nuclear Armageddon, an asteroid striking the earth, or tainted lettuce there's one that doesn't worry me at all. A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicates that the average birthrate in the United States is once again too low to maintain the population. In 2017, we cranked out 1765.5 humans per 1000 women which is 16% below the 2100 threshold. In 2017, 3.85 million babies were born. The last time the country experienced so few births was in 1987. Worst yet, that was the same year Bon Jovi came out with Living on a Prayer.

Admittedly, I didn't initially grasp why we needed 2100 babies for every 1000 women to stabilize the population. I thought it would be 2 to 1 since each pregnancy was counted against the two people required to make it happen. Even though medical advancements made it possible for a single female or a same sex couple to give birth, it still really requires one woman and one man. So the extra 100 births, necessary to balance the population, takes into account that not all of the 2100 babies will contribute to the next generation themselves. Some will perish up front. In 2016, the infant morality rate was the low figure of 5.9 deaths per 1000 births. Others will elect not to have children at all or be incapable of conceiving. The rest won't make it to the child bearing years due to drugs, legalized marijuana, cigarettes and parkour. So why does the prospect of the population imploding not bother me? Because I hate people. That's why. Not everyone, mind you. Just some, like those who want to borrow my tools. As the saying goes,

Neither a borrower nor a lender be
for loan oft loses both itself and friend.

Often when I lend a tool, I get it back in an inoperable condition. One guy I've known for thirty years borrowed my chimney sweep only to return it with a kink in the carbon fiber rod. He never said anything when he dropped it off. Cost me $65 to fix. I should've just hired a chimney sweep for him, which would've been way cheaper. Another borrowed my truck to pick up some mulch then returned it with a dent in the tailgate. He insisted that it was like that when he got it. There was also no gas in the tank, and the cargo bed was full of coffee cups and tobacco spit. I'm sure it wasn't like that when he picked my truck up because when I started it up and drove down my driveway, I ran out of gas. These people certainly can go.

The other day at a traffic signal, a young woman with a Florida plate travelled too far into the intersection before she realized she couldn't make it through. I left her a full car length as I noticed she started to reverse. I watched her slowly inch her way out of the intersection until she was right on my front bumper. I tapped the horn as she approached. She flung her door open, ran to the side of my car then screamed in the open window,

"Get off my bumper, asshole!"

I was on her bumper only because she was backing up into mine. Unlike Florida, my home state doesn't have a stand-your-ground law. If she did this in the Sunshine State, someone would likely cap her for such an aggressive move. She can go for sure.

I had a neighbor once who purchased a drum kit for his son. He set it up in an unheated shed positioned close to my house. Spring brought on the songs of birds, flowers and warm breezes accentuated by the incessant beat of a poorly played drum set. No one wants to listen to a drum solo outside of a concert, devoid of mind altering substances. I recall a teenage friend of mine, a percussionist himself, playing drum solos by Peter Criss of the rock band, Kiss, on his stereo. My dorky friends and I, all lousy musicians, sat around while he played a record of Criss, dressed up in his kitty outfit, endlessly beating away at the skins as I stared blankly at a poster of Farrah Faucet. Thirty years later it was my neighbor's turn. This kid and his drums as well as Peter Criss can all go.

Another neighborhood kid got a dirt bike which he endlessly rode around on a track he constructed in his parent's front yard. It included a mud hole jump and a set of moguls. Eventually, when his parents weren't home, the kid started racing down the street on his motorbike with his friend on the back. I stopped him then told the dude to push it home. He explained that he was "just trying to blow out the carburetor" which "was all gunked up." Later his father knocked on my door. I expected him to apologize for his son's behavior instead he started screaming at me to leave his son alone. I tried to explain that his dope protégé was operating an unregistered vehicle on the road with his douchebag friend in tow, neither of which was wearing a helmet. Needless to say, he ignored my sound advice which would likely keep his kid from attending the next session of Jesus unplugged. He informed me that pushing the bike home caused his son to have "a serious asthma attack," resulting in a hospital visit which he wanted me to pay for. My neighbor, his son and his friend as well as that dirt bike can all go.

One time, my best friend was splitting off some of his land for sale. The entire neighborhood mobilized to stop him even though he wasn't applying for a variance or any special considerations. He was simply selling off some of the property he bought, insured and paid taxes on. After surveying my friend learned that several of his neighbors who wrote letters to the town expressing their concerns were encroaching on his land. One penned,

"If this land division is allowed to go through, the neighborhood will likely get more people which my wife and I certain don't want."

I have an idea. Why don't we get rid of all these peeps who want to use other's land without actually paying for it. That will certainly lighten up the neighborhood.

If the population decreases, the roads will be less congested leading to lower levels of greenhouse gasses. There will be fewer people burdening the government with entitlements as well as less crime, substance abuse and illegal immigration. The lines at grocery stores and amusement parks will be shorter too. I once tried to kill a guy with kindness. It worked quite well, but it would've been much easier if that dude simply never was.

People are just one of many things in which less is more.