What I Do at Sobriety Checkpoints

Most developed countries have some form of search and seizure law that governs the manner in which law enforcement may shakedown citizens. In the United States, the Fourth Amendment enshrines the concept that the people shall be free from unreasonable searches although we are occasionally subjected to sobriety checkpoints. How is this not an unreasonable search?

It's at this point that I must invoke a disclaimer. In many states it is illegal for a layperson like me to dispense legal advice. Lawyers made it that way so only they can bill you for sound legal advice like,

"This is not a good shirt to wear to court."

Since I'm not a barrister, I am not in any way advising you as to what you should do at a sobriety checkpoint. I’m simply chronicling what I do when stopped.

Now, sobriety checkpoints have been deemed constitutional by the Supreme Court if the police can prove that their activity removes a measureable amount of drunks off the road. This is the "public safety exclusion” which is commonly used by legislators to circumvent our actual constitutional rights. Stop and frisk was a blatant violation of the the Fourth Amendment which was promoted through a concern for public safety. It was largely used in big cities to racially profile the public. Another good example is limiting the speech of high school students for the safety of the student body. While this may sound like a prudent practice in reality curtailing speech is usually done to maintain order rather than peace.

The police are required to keep track of metrics proving that a checkpoint is effective. If they fail to collect favorable data, they're not allowed to set up an inspection point at that location again. The courts have determined that a reasonable search may not exceed a specified period of time, typically ten minutes. Now, this all can be used in your favor when coupled with one other brilliant piece of legislation, the Fifth Amendment.



 

Most of us think that the Fifth Amendment is invoked only by guilty people when they don't want to answer a question in court because if they do, the jury will stop listening to testimony about "blue-black fibers" and hair evidence that is "consistent with the victim" and just mentally bide their time until the sentencing phase. But there is more to the Fifth Amendment than what you've learned from watching a full season of Law and Order.

The Fifth Amendment states that you don’t have to help the police collect evidence against you. Essentially, you 're not required to answer any questions posed by cops. When behind the wheel, you got to pony up your driver's license and registration and in some states proof of insurance, but you don’t have to answer any questions. The founding fathers screwed up royally when it came to slavery, but they were spot on with the Fifth Amendment. You can’t just stay mum, though. The Supreme Court determined that you have to specifically invoke your Fifth Amendment rights, and if you answer a question after doing so, you just uninvoked your rights. So now you got all the tools to safely navigate a sobriety checkpoint.

Here’s how it goes...

As you approach the checkpoint, begin recording a video. Be sure to catch the clock on the dash the moment they stop your vehicle. That starts the ten minutes for a reasonable search. If smokey doesn’t waive you off, slowly drive up then drop your window about a half inch, roughly the thickness of a Dog Bone. If the police officer instructs you to lower your window, inform him that you can hear him just fine. You want to keep the window mostly closed as to make it difficult for the long arm of the law to claim that they smelled alcohol. When asked if you’ve been drinking, say loudly,

“I respectfully invoke my Fifth Amendment right under the Constitution not to answer any of your questions.”

It helps at this point if you can sing a few verses of the National Anthem. I never remember all the words so I just hum a few bars. The cop will likely ask,

“Oh, are you a lawyer?”

Now remember if you answer, you will uninvoke your Fifth Amendment rights. I usually just stare at the cop with a Nick Sandman smile. Some of my friends opt for the expression of the kid in the background to the right of Sandman, but that will make the police uneasy as you will look like you're about to become unglued. Smiling alone usually angers the fuzz so they’ll probably tell you to "pull over to secondary." Keep in mind that once ten minutes are up, you could fire up a bong or snort a line of a controlled substance off the dashboard, and none of it would be admissible in court. Make sure you tell the cops how long they have in secondary to screw with you before their time is up. The longer they fuck with you, the worse their metrics for the site will be.

After pulling over, they may call in a drug sniffing dog. If they do, I put a dog biscuit in my glove box that I slip out the window. When Dinkles the Drug Sniffing dog finds the tasty snack, he'll forget all his training and start chowing down. This will cast doubt on the results, which means your lawyer will not have to prove that the cop, administering the test, once used the n-word thirty years ago. Now, I know fiddling in the glove box might get you capped, but the look on the officer's face when his highly trained, drug sniffing canine starts munching on a moldy, bargain brand biscuit is worth the risk. Sometimes I lace the biscuit with Colon Blow so Dinkles will develop the Nutella squirts inside the cruiser. Sniff that.

Keep the video going because a lot of handlers bate the drug dog into false alerts by pointing and directing the animal in order to create probable cause to search your car as well as your body cavities. If the canine alerts, then you’ll likely have to get out of the car and your underwear. At this point I usually tell the cops that I have to urinate "wicked bad" so they won’t put me in a squad car. Once your vehicle is impounded, then you know you're going for a ride downtown. Unlike a ride in an ambulance, your insurance won't get charged for a trip in a police car.

If one of your more stupid friends dropped some ganga in the ashtray, you’ll need an actual lawyer. Don’t try to explain your way out of it because your lawyer will be real pissed if you do. Just pray they don't tackle you en mass while one of them yells,

"Stop resisting!"

After they pull the taser tongs from your pancreas, you’ll be booked at the station. Next, you'll need to find a comfortable place in the holding cell, preferable with your back up against the wall. Don't be fooled by the term "booked." There won't be any reading material in jail, and they'll take your cellphone "for you're own protection." The four toughest guys will be occupying the choice corners. Keep a distance from these dudes. If you’re not a MMA cage fighter or Delta Force hand-to-hand combat instructor, then it helps to ward away your cellmates by shitting your pants and acting crazy. This will likely allow you to survive until the morning when you'll be released after paying about $300 in fines.

Hopefully you’ll get waved through the next sobriety checkpoint, but if you don’t just follow these simple easy tips to ensure that you are fully immersed in the legal system for the next four years.

Good luck!

Editor's Note: Originally posted on February 20, 2018.