The Star-Mangled Banner

Fergie

Back in 2018, the Black-Eyed Peas front woman, Fergie, sang the national anthem at the NBA All-Stars Game. The performance was largely described on social media as "the worst ever" even though the seven time Grammy Award winner sang in tune and didn’t run afoul of any of the lyrics. Admittedly, her bluesy, soul rendition had me wondering if she has any honest bff's in her entourage. Some of the NBA athletes rocked back and forth, transfixed by the rhythmic beat before they started to chuckle like catholic middle schoolers. I thought the Fergalicious version of the Star-Spangled Banner was at times cringeworthy, but not as bad as many of the past performances. To prove it, here are some dreadful renditions of the national anthem which if sung back in the day would have made Francis Scott Key root for the British.

In 2008, police officers across Hamilton County, Tennessee gathered in front of a memorial to remember fallen cops. Chattanooga Deputy Sheriff Ezra Harris butchered the lyrics as he carried every other note. The look on the faces of the boys in blue, trying not to laugh, made the event so much more memorable. The best lines were,

And the rock is red glen.

bombs bursting in air.

and

...through the night that the stars were still there.

Harris brought it all home with,

Wave, BRAVE, and the home of the free.

Then a police captain takes the podium and says,

"Join me in prayer, please."

Yeah, let's pray that doesn't ever happen again, but it did just six years later in 2014. After a lot of practice, Harris got a chance to redeem himself at The Great GMA Do Over. Harris was flanked by a gospel choir and a mounted police officer who was instructed to tase anyone who laughed. At least he got all the words right this time around.

In 2010, a Canadian woman attempted to sing the US National Anthem at a hockey game. Things started out fine until she sang,

What's so proudly we live...

She stopped, apologized, then took an agonizing moment to compose herself before she started from the top. Unfortunately, she flubbed the same line with,

What's so twilight...

after which she turned then exited the rink. Remarkably, she returned apparently for a third try with the lyrics in hand, only to crash and burn as she slipped on the ice. At this point, she realized there was no coming back from this level of screw up so she just laid there on her back atop the cold hard surface and prayed for spontaneous combustion. Luckily, no one expects that much from Canada whose chief exports are Canadian money and Justin Bieber.

Steve Tyler

In 2001 the lead singer of Aerosmith, Steve Tyler, belted out a rendition of the anthem before the start of the Indianapolis 500. His opening harmonica accompaniment seemed fitting considering this was mostly a tobacco spitting, fan boat bayou crowd, but when Tyler sang,

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

I'm pretty sure he stops to wipe a controlled substance from his nose. He sent it home with a screeching scat singing closing that also rid the stadium of any pigeons. Tyler deviated from the lyrics when he sang,

O'er the land of the free and the home of the... Indianapolis 500.

Guys like Tyler are creative forces that just make the world a better, more stoned place.

Bolton

In 2003, Michael Bolton sang the anthem at Game 4 of the American League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. Bolton brought his signature baritone voice but not his trademark mullet, thankfully. When Bolton sang,

O'er the ramparts we watched...

  he forgot the next line which we all know is,

...were so gallantry streaming.

After a brief but pain inducing pause, Bolton, the professional that he is, took a quick look at his palm on which he wisely jotted down some notes. Back on key he shoveled the rest of the tune into the microphone. To be fair it must be hard for a singer to belt out a ditty on pitch and in time against the echo experienced in a large stadium. Not to mention to do so before a crowd of fifty thousand baseball fans, none of whom actually like Michael Bolton.

In 2013 Alexis Normand attempted the nation anthem at the Memorial Cup which has to do with hockey in some way. Things started to unravel early on when she blurted out the word "first" after singing "last" in the line,

What so proudly we hail, at the twilights last gleaming?

After an excruciating moment of silence, Normand started free associating the remaining versus with whatever popped into her head. At one point she sang,

What so ever we said and the twilight still gleaming.

Then she farted out this gem,

And the rocks fair fair,

the bombs bursting in air,

and the land was still there.

To her credit she delivered the final verse with enough pride left to know that she fucked up so royally that for the rest of her life her friends will ask her where she thought the land had gone.

In 1981, Juanita Booker sang the nation anthem at President Ronald Reagan's inauguration. I watched it live on TV. Booker didn't mess up any of the lyrics, although she pluralized "flag" when she sang,

Gave proof through the night that our flags was still there.

I always assumed, perhaps erroneously, that there was only one flag flying over Fort McHenry, but there might have been more. While Booker's rendition wasn't that bad, the accompaniment sounded as if they were following her. She sang even lower than Michael Bolton which is quite an achievement. So low that at times Booker sounded like a foghorn.

A commentator explained that Reagan heard Booker sing somewhere and asked her to perform at his inauguration. That was the official narrative, but earlier in the year his wife, Nancy, was talking to her husband on the phone during a televised fundraising event in Chicago when she said,

“Oh Ronnie, I wish you could be here to see all these beautiful white people ... black and white people, I mean.”

The unofficial reason Booker performed at the inauguration was to make the incoming Reagan administration appear more racially sensitive in attempts to cover for Nancy’s gaff on the campaign trail.

So there you have it. Clearly, many singers were far worse than Fergie. Just about all performers of the National Anthem fail to render the last lines of the first stanza,

O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

as a question. During the bombardment of Fort McHenry, Francis Scott Key wasn't sure that by the morning the defenders of the fort would survive the onslaught, reflecting the tenuous nature of the nation during the War of 1812.

Now, if only someone could explain to me what “spangle” means.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on February 27, 2018.