Bacon, Anybody

Not more than twenty days into his presidency and the political pundits were right. Trump is going to ruin the country. The first sign of pending doom? The massive pork shortage that is looming over our country.



Artist's Rendition of Bacon

Sure, we all knew Trump would cut out waste in government and get rid of pork spending, but who knew it would lead to a nationwide bacon shortage?

As I understand it, the "other white meat" dearth was tied to Trump's immigration policy. Most refugees escape to the United States carrying a piglet or chicken. The immigration ban has severely limited the swine population. A friend of my son lives in Hong Kong. He says that farm animals are common passengers on trains in China. Farmers bring hogs, calves, pigs and chickens on trains to take them to market. He explained,

"You have to pick your train carefully."

The criteria being the train going back is far more preferable. Here in America, you can't bring a farm animal onto public transportation unless it's a "service pet," that is, an animal needed to cope with anxiety or stress.

A Chameleon

One time, I sat next to a dude on a plane who had a chameleon as a service pet. It was perched on his shoulder with both eyes looking about independently. The lizard may have calmed this guy down, but its constant scanning of the cabin with those two unfettered, beady eyes really freaked me out. He even fed the thing by opening a container of live crickets into which the chameleon launched its sticky tongue to fetch a hapless insect. At one point, the chameleon zeroed in on a mole on my arm, then launched its glue coated tongue.

I screamed like a piglet once his tongue landed on my arm. The person in front of the dude pushed his seat back, and lizard man immediately exhibited an exorbitant amount of disdain. He was mad at the guy in front of him for using the space the airline provides every passenger, all while he ignored his service iguana stuck to my arm. Apparently the chameleon wasn't working as a stress reliever because he began pushing the guy's seat back. The man in the seat stood and said,

"Dude, what is your problem?"

"You didn't ask," gecko man answered.

Seat guy retorted, "Ask what?"

"If you could move your seat back."

Now, seat guy was fuming and iguana man was angry too. I sat silently with a chameleon stuck to my arm. A steward came by and tried to sort the whole thing out. After reviewing the situation, she made the call to move chameleon man to first class. The dude unstuck his service pet from my arm, then made his way to the greener, more luxurious pastures at the front of the plane. The steward gave seat guy another bag of beer nuts. I got nothing. Not even a napkin to wipe the iguana spit off my arm.

The Law of Unintended Consequence often rears its ugly head in these situations. A woman in first class was traveling with a sizeable service pig. Apparently, it's becoming quite common. Back in October a woman flew on US Airways from Philadelphia to Seattle with a 300 lb. hog. I don't know what happened on my flight because I was in the bathroom, trying to clean the iguana junk off my arm, but apparently the pig made an inflight snack of the chameleon. I wish I had seen that unfold, but I didn't. I could only imagine what went down.

What we have now is the Law of Unintended Consequences coupled with the Butterfly Effect. The ban on refugees resulted in fewer migrants crossing into our country with small pigs in tow. This led to a less diverse swine population which became more susceptible to mad cow disease. Fewer pigs caused less methane production which led to a thicker ozone layer. Too much ozone was exacerbated by women using a pump for their VO5 hairspray instead of a can of pressurized aerosol for the past thirty years, resulting in excessive greenhouse gases, which raised the surface temperature, further killing off pigs. The increased greenhouse gases caused Global Warming. The result was less bacon in America.

I think it also killed the whales.

Take Your Vote and Leave

There are several notable celebrities that vowed to leave the country if Trump was elected. Here is a rundown of a few that should be packing their bags.

Miley Cyrus

 

Miley Cyrus Adjusting the Business
End of her Lady Parts 

Miley Cyrus used to sing songs about her grandpa while playing her folk guitar, but lately she's been twerking in Robin Thicke's crotch, licking sledgehammers, and writing songs about drug use. Her transformation from Disney star to pop, soft core, diva came with the revelation that she was just being her true self. If you followed her career, you can pinpoint the exact day and time Miley discovered penis. Miley barely got out of puberty before she started performing sex acts with blow up dolls on stage. She posted on Instagram,

"I am moving if this is my president. I don't say things I don't mean!

Spoken like a true millennial. Miley Cyrus proved to me that I don't want to see all women naked. Keep your clothes on, Miley, and pack your guitar and dolls.

Barbra Streisand

 

Funny Senior Citizen
Barbara Streisand

Singer, Barbra Streisand, who wooed us in the 80's with songs about cats, like Memories, said,

"He has no facts. I don't know, I can't believe it. I'm either coming to your country (Australia), if you'll let me in, or Canada."

First off, I thought she was dead. Streisand was a comic singer/movie star who did films like Funny Girl, the musical, comedy, drama, best known for the first portrayal of a smart, funny, Jewish woman. She would whip out a Jewish accent whenever she needed to extract a laugh from the audience, then she would sing, unaccented, when she wanted us to tear up. Her career as an entertainer is unparalleled with the exception of that stint with Don Johnson. Back in the late 80's, the two started playing hide the mezuzah. Somehow, Johnson and Streisand did a duet together. How this came about, whether it was his idea or hers, the world may never know. Streisand's wiki page doesn't even mention Johnson. Obviously, singing ability wasn't a concern for Streisand. I thought she was going to do a follow up duet with David Hasselhoff. 

Streisand should be aware that Canada is to the north and Australia is to the south.

Cher

Cher Cashing a Social
Security Check at Applebees

Cher said she would move to Jupiter if Trump won. Being a product of the 70's, I'm sure Cher spent a lot of time on other planets. She shit canned Sonny Bono back in 1975, then hooked up with Gregg Allman, who she divorced four years later after he purportedly smacked her around. She continued the humorous, variety television show, The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, owing to Sonny's business sense. Bono was as bad a singer as Don Johnson, but he pulled it off since he was such a likable guy. Even Cher cried at his funeral after he skied into a tree.

Jupiter's gravity is 2.5 times that here on earth. Cher is pushing into her 70's. She better pump some iron before she leaves.

Al Sharpton

 

Sharpton During
Leaner Times

The Reverend Al Sharpton said,

"I’m also reserving my ticket to get out of here if he wins."

For decades, Sharpton has been the tireless point man in the fight for racial equality. In the late 80's, Sharpton backed Twanana Brawley, a 15 year girl who was found smeared with feces and racial slurs written on her body. Brawley claimed she was assaulted and raped by six white men including police officers and a prosecutor. A grand jury found that the slurs written on Brawley's body were backwards, implying that they were written by someone looking in a mirror. Sharpton lost a defamation suit against the men Brawley falsely accused. He never paid the six figure fine. Sharpton got Johnny Cochran to pay the damages.

Before he leaves, he should square up with the government all the back taxes he's been evading for years.

Lena Dunham

 

Lena Dunham Getting
Her Pelvis Tattooed

Lena Dunham is the quirky writer, director and star of the HBO series, Girls. Dunham is the Queen of Self Deprecation. Recently, she referred to herself as a "sack of flaming garbage," but even the trash gets taken out once in a while. She said,

"I know a lot of people have been threatening to do this, but I really will."

Then she recanted, indicating that she will stick it out in her own country. I've watched a few episodes of Dunham's comedy drama, Girls. I'm not sure what the show is about. I think it's about girls, but the four protagonists are neurotic, attention seeking, unstable, drug using women, who muddle through life, always espousing how they feel about everything. Dunham's character, Hannah, eats and calls her parents every time she's stressed which is several times a day. The girls all orbit around equally pathetic guys.

Back in the day when my generation starting dating, we put our best foot forward in attempts to attract a mate. Here's an idea. Don't marry someone who's a "hot mess." The real stress in life happens later when your kid is throwing up at 3 AM, and the mortgage and taxes are due in the morning. Dunham's show must appeal to millennials who need constant propping up just to get through a day off.

When Lena moves to Canada, I recommend that she join a gym, and put down the Scooter Pies. It's cold up there, and working out will help keep her warm.

Ruth Joan Bader Ginsburg
 

Ruth Dressed as Olive Oyl
for Halloween

Supreme Court justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a Bill Clinton appointee, said,

"I can't imagine what the country would be with Donald Trump as our president... Now it's time for us to move to New Zealand."

Sure, she's not a celebrity, but if she moves she'll have to vacate her post as a Supreme Court judge since I'm pretty sure they can't telecommute. That will leave another vacancy for Trump to fill. 

So long, Ruth.

 

Amy Schumer



Amy Schumer
Tries Water

Amy Schumer is a comedian heralding from Comedy Central. She said,

"I will need to learn to speak Spanish because I will move to Spain or somewhere... It's beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It's too crazy."

Amy keeps photoshop techs in demand. Schumer's 2015 comedy, Trainwreck, had her in the lead role, playing a drunk, pot smoking pig. First up, train wreck is two words. Second, celebrities who play drunks are usually boozers in real life. When alcohol abusing celebrities show up on the set wasted, and the script calls for it, the production can keep moving along.

Schumer's tired act often incorporates excessive drinking. She told a story to Stephen Colbert on The Late Show that she once rented Jake Gyllenhaal's condo. After rifling through his stuff, she found a frozen cake in the freezer, which she would eat when she was drunk. It took a few bottles of wine, but she finally got through the whole thing. 

Amy should be aware that Spain is tough on alcohol and drug abuse. We wouldn't want America's new funny girl to end her career in a Spanish prison.

There's a whole bunch of other celebrities who I haven't a clue who they are, Brian Cranston, Neve Campbell, Keegan-Michael Key, Ne-Yo, etc. I'm sure they're a very talented bunch who someone will miss when they move away.

As a cross generational group, I'm not exactly sure who these people think they're punishing by their threat of a life inversion. In some of the cases, the country will be a better place without them. It's just like a celebrity to think that if they move, the rest of us, especially those that voted for Trump, will somehow be upset. As if I would give a crap if Cher moved to Spain. Personally, I would help these people pack if they asked, although they'd have to hire out the heavy lifting.

They wouldn't even have to buy me pizza.

Government Geek Squad



Putin and Obama

President Obama stated recently that the US would launch a cyber attack on Russia for their involvement in hacking emails that benefitted Trump in the recent election. His saber rattling included the warning that our cyber attack would occur "at a time and place of our own choosing."

I wonder what President Obama plans on doing to Russia with a government sanctioned cyber attack? First off, we should send Putin a penis enlargement email. Then we should call him on his cell phone three times a day from places like Munson, Ohio, and tell him that he was selected to receive a free trip to the Bahamas, or qualifies for a reduced rate mortgage. Then, he can get a phone call saying the IRS is suing him.

Obama's Deputy National Security Advisor, Ben Rhodes, said.

"I don't think things happen in the Russian government of this consequence without Vladimir Putin knowing about it."


Oliver North

Things of consequence happen all the time here, and our leaders are unaware of what is going on. In late 80's, Olivier North, a National Security staffer, was involved in a US plan to sell guns to Iran with the profits going to the Contras, a right wing militant group, in Nicaragua. Ollie was charged with lying to Congress over the subsequent investigation. President Reagan, on the other hand, testified that he hadn't a clue that weapons were being sold to Iran even though there was an arms embargo in affect. During his eight hour deposition, the President said 88 times,

Ronald Reagan

"I can't remember," or "I don't recall."

So unlike Russia, our President is often conveniently clueless. Obama suggested that the Russian hacking only benefited Trump. He said,

"They understood what everybody else understood, which was that this was not good for Hillary Clinton's campaign."

Maybe that was because the emails released by WikiLeaks, were from Clinton's campaign chairman, John Podesta, and indicated that Hillary requires 21 approvals to issue 140 characters or less on twitter. The emails also revealed that Clinton occasionally received debate questions in advance. In another email exchange, the campaign rejected 84 possible slogans including,

"America Gets Strong When You Get Ahead"

"You Deserve Other People's Money"

"Real Hair You Can Believe In"

They settled on "It's MY Turn." It's unfortunate that we need Russian cyber geeks to finally get the truth out. In a bit of middle school bravado, Obama indicated that US cyber capabilities are quite advanced. He said,

"The United States retains significant, extensive cyber capabilities that exceed the capabilities that are wielded by any other country in the world."

This shows how naïve Obama and his team are. Taunting cyber geeks is asking for trouble. If we really do have such an extensive cyber capability, can they stop the incessant cell phone spamming we all get daily? I, for one, can't wait to hear of our proportional response by our US backed cyber geek squad. Maybe a viral video on YouTube of a Putin lookalike wiping out on a slip and slide. Or perhaps Putin's head on the Dancing Baby. Or a photoshopped picture of Putin checking out Christine Aguilera's cleavage.

The possibilities are endless.

I'm Voting For...

Trump and Clinton

Earlier in the summer, it was amusing to watch Trump hash it out among seventeen bewildered republican candidates. Trump interjected a certain level of uncertainty and unpredictability to guarantee a laugh now and then. As the election season wore on, my amusement began to wane.

It all started when Carly Fiorina put out a video about dogs that was meant to show her more gentle side. There's no doubt in this country that dogs are more popular than humans so a video of a stiff like Fiorina playfully interacting with canines should've helped her image. In the clip, Fiorina exclaimed,

Carly Fiorina

"A dog is sad when you're gone."

Unless Fiorina had a session with Sonya Fitzpatrick, the pet psychic, I'm not sure how she knew that a dog was sad when you leave. The video went from awkward to weird when Fiorina admitted to eating milk bones as a child. That explains a lot. She even bit into a milk bone on camera. I wasn't laughing anymore after I watched that video. I was scared. These people weren't just nuts, they were crazy.

Then we got down to the wire, and Ted Cruz was left to hash it out with the Donald. Cruz is a Christian, junior senator from Texas who looks a little like Elmer the Bull. He had once eagerly read Green Eggs and Ham on the senate floor as part of a filibuster over the Affordable Healthcare Act, even though a vote had already been scheduled. So technically his marathon 21 hour talk hadn't an actual purpose.



Ted Cruz

He refused to endorse Trump at the Republican convention, stating you should "vote your conscience" after he pledged in writing to do so. Recently, he reversed his stance "after many months of careful consideration, of prayer and searching my own conscience." It must have been the praying that was so time consuming because searching his conscience probably took just a few minutes.

So we forged ahead into the debates which admittedly I initially found amusing. The name calling and accusations brought me back to middle school. We didn't have all this anti bullying agenda we have today. Bullying was a way of life back then. We learned how to behave from shows like Happy Days, a sitcom set in the 1950's where the main characters were split between the cool kids, Richie and Fonzie, and the nerds, Ralph Malph and Potsie. We watched the various actors, all pushing thirty, play high school kids, who endlessly belittle each other, call each other names and accuse each other of maleficence. The debates were just like that, except there was no laugh track.

Just when it seemed things couldn't get weirder, Trump's incessant accusation of voter fraud prompted Russian officials to request to monitor the elections. Three states turned down scrutiny by Russian diplomats. Trump is really accusing the media of bias and not state officials of misconduct because the media keeps printing articles like the recent one in which porn star, Jessica Drake, claimed Trump inappropriately touched her.

Trump's behavior has been off the charts, but it's hard to believe a professed germaphobe, who hates shaking hands and went on the record, years ago, that he vetted woman for HIV and STDs before dating them, would pay a porn star $10,000 for sex. At a news conference, Drake claimed she and two friends met Trump in his room where "he grabbed each of us tightly in a hug and kissed each of us on the lips without asking for permission." She claimed Trump was in a bathrobe. I don't buy it.Trump wouldn't touch a porn star with a stick while wearing a full body condom.

Gary Johnson

So I came to the conclusion that I was going to throw away my vote on a third party candidate. You know, the dudes who don't get invited to the debates. I first checked out the Libertarian Party candidate, Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico.

The Libertarian Party believes the government is too big. We used to talk about the government being too big back in the 80's. For example, the Department of Commerce has about 45,000 employees. That's the size of a large company. As far as I can tell, the Department of Commerce performs two essential functions. They maintain the Department of Commerce webpage, and they calculate the Gross Domestic Product (GDP), an indicator of the economic performance of the country. The GDP should not be confused with the Gross National Product (GNP), also known as the Gross National Income (GNI). These metrics are used by our elected officials to convince people that the economy is doing fine even though we have a Gross National Debt (GND) of $20 trillion.

Anyway, this video of Johnson is just strange. At first, the reporter seems to think he's having a stroke, then when she rules that out, she appears to be concerned for her own safety. Johnson was trying to make the point that he could do anything, even stick his tongue out on national television and still dominate the debates. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Back in 2004, the one time governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, trying to summon some campaign

Howard Dean

momentum at the Iowa Democratic caucuses, let out an exuberant scream during a rally. His so called "I Have a Scream" speech tanked his bid for the presidency because he appeared odd and too unpresidential. Fast forward 12 years later to Gary Johnson's tongue out interview which comes off nothing short of downright insane. Pack it in Gary. That was crazy.

Then I moved to the Green Party candidate, physician Jill Stein. The Green Party is all about "eco socialism" and grassroots democracy. Stein is running on a policy that the government should bailout the $1.3 trillion in college debt through quantitative easing, a complicated monetary policy employed by our elected officials when they run out of money because they gave out too large a tax break to toy wooden arrow makers.

Jill Stein

I'm not sure what quantitative easing is, but Stein's interpretation is to print up $4 trillion of "free money" and hand it out to millennials who spent the last four years goofing off while earning degrees in anthropology, philosophy, fine arts, and other useless degrees. Hopefully, quantitative easing will also provide them with a job in the Department of Commerce helping with the GDP calculation because if you draw a circle around their education and another around jobs, they intersect at "bagging groceries."

Stein is also a member of the folk rock band, Somebodies Sister, playing the guitar and the conga and djembe drums. Not surprisingly, she's in favor of legalizing marijuana like most people that play percussions in a band. While I don't think Jill Stein is crazy, she's a little too much of a product of the 70's for me.

Chesley Sullenberger
and Tom Hanks

I've decided I'm voting for a write-in candidate because I can't find a third party candidate to waste my vote on. I've been encouraging people to write in Chesley Burnett "Sully" Sullenberger III. He was portrayed by Tom Hanks in the namesake movie, Sully. Hanks is my favorite actor, and Sully is my favorite person after my wife, of course. I'm going to write in Hanks as Vice President.

Come on, admit it. Given the chance, you'd vote for them too.


Editor's Note: Voting for a write-in candidate that has not filed Federal Election Commission Form 2 within fifteen days of becoming a candidate will result in your vote not being counted.

So Long, Loki

There are terrible things going on in the world, earthquakes, terrorism, famine, flood, pestilence. Nothing comes as close to the one thing that gets me down more than anything else. You guessed it; Taylor Swift broke up with Tom Hiddleston. What next, I ask you?

Taylor Swift

I don't get it. He wore that "I ❤️ TS" shirt this summer. I know Hiddleston is British and all, but he has to understand that when you do something like that over the Fourth of July in this country, that means something. I think Tom is a bit of a prat. Not only would I have never taken a part as Thor's evil, adoptive, brother, I would never be photographed at 35 years old wearing a "I ❤️Anything" T-shirt. I'm sure it was Taylor's idea. She probably gave it to him as a reward for rearranging her stuffed animals.

Still yet, don't they understand how hard this is on people like us? I have to change up again! I just got used to Calvin Harris, a dude whose real name is "Adam." He chose "Calvin" as a stage name presumably because he thought it was smashing which will give you an idea where his head is. Calvin is a Scottish deejay and an on again, off again underwear model. He said all the publicity being with Taylor was hard on him. Rubbish! I think being in your skivvies on a 62 foot billboard in Times Square with your bollocks on display is slight more dodgy than dating TayTay. What a wanker!

Calvin is probably a Sean Connery fan because Connery is the most sober thing that came out of Scotland in decades. This was bad news for Taylor. Connery, you might remember, told Barbara Walters a few decades back,

"It’s not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then."

Now, I shouldn't stereotype. Not everyone from Scotland is a drunken wife beater. That's more like Ireland.



Calvin Harris

Just when I was getting used to Calvin being around, Taylor ships him back to the high country with some bad blood over collaboration on Rihanna's smash hit, This Is What You Came For. I'm not sure what went down, but the best I can tell is somebody named "Nils Sjoberg" claimed that Calvin said Taylor wrote the song. Then Calvin wasn't supposed to say anything, but he did anyway, or something like that.

So now, the news media is saying that Taylor and Tom were worlds apart, hers in Rhode Island and his in London. True, London is no Rhode Island, but you'd think that social media would have helped them stay connected. I mean they got 140 characters on Twitter. Isn't that enough? Or is it the "me" generation always wanting more?

Then, Kanye goes all aggro again. What I learned from that episode is that "bitch" and the n-word are terms of endearment in hip hop. Often, the latter is a racist slur that gets you kicked off the planet. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow. She tweeted the name of a song that used the n-word in the title, and was immediately called out on social media. It's all very complicated.

I also learned about "Amber Rose," but I'm not sure who she either. She did something on YouTube; I think the first double backflip on a BMX bike. She also married, had a kid with, then divorced a rapper named, Wiz Khalifa, who, I understand, is quite popular even though his stage name is synonymous with a nature call.



Kanye West

Taylor be ass out when it comes to presenting Kanye with the Video Vanguard Award at the same award ceremony in which he unloaded his 40 ounce rant in support of Beyoncé. Kanye's latest revelation is that he’s green with people who think he should "take down Taylor." Kanye needs to step down from his "thrown" and reassess his goals in life. A guy who wants to be the Man in 2020, who can't spell and needs to smoke reefer to get through his announcement speech, calls a female recording artist a "bitch." Even Trump can't pull that one off.

Whatever the case may be, Taylor needs to shake it off and regroup. Thank God Harry Styles is unavailable. I thought Tom was a keeper when I got one look at that "I ❤️ TS" shirt, but maybe he was really saying he liked taco salads. That would make more sense. John Mayer would've never worn a shirt like that. It wasn't Loki's finest hour, let me tell you.
 

Tom Hiddleston

The fact is Tom was a transition boyfriend. Transition guys take all the abuse that should have been dumped on the previous dude, all while not getting a fraction the last guy got. They also don't get any songs written about them either. He reminds me a little of Prince Charles except slightly more pathetic. I still can't see dumping Diana for Camilla Parker Bowles who in the 80's looked like ten miles of Mick Jagger. Tom will soldier on in the way that the British always do. He'll get over Taylor by summiting a peak or something.

Taylor will be okay. She's got plenty of friends, money and cats to get her through this latest breakup. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. What are we to do? We're not British anymore so we can't find solace in being the first to do something, and collectively we all have less friends, money and cats than Taylor.

Brilliant, you all!

Weekend at Hillary's

Hillary’s recent health issues have been made more evident by the videos that have surfaced showing the secret service ushering a stumbling Clinton into a waiting van. It was reminiscent of the movie, Weekend at Bernie’s, in which two employees must convince the world that their deceased boss is still alive. Hillary was clearly shaky, needed support and looked like she might not be counted in the census anymore.

Running for the nation’s highest office is demanding with all the public appearance, speeches, debates and opportunities for the media to photograph you with a something hanging from your nose. It’s tough enough shaking all those hands at 68 on top of being two sneezes away from brunch with Jesus. So Hillary picked up a touch of pneumonia at Ground Zero. Initially, her camp said she was overcome by the heat. Or maybe, she ate one of those wieners that the street vendors sell in New York City. Whenever I eat one, I swear you can hear your arteries hardening. It's like corn growing.

In 1841, William Henry Harrison, also 68 years old, caught a cold at his inauguration that developed into pneumonia. He handed in his dinner pail shortly thereafter. A decade later Zachary Taylor fell ill from cholera and clocked out of life in a record five days. With all the medical advancements today, being the Leader of the Free World while also being sick as a dog is no big deal. Just look at Dick Cheney. He had his fourth heart attack shortly after the polls opened in 2000. He served eight years as Vice President without a hitch, then he went hunting with a few of his buddies. He ended up shooting his friend in the face. It's ironic that a dude who has his own saddle for the pale horse nearly killed a guy.

It makes me wonder why people who are certainly on their last hundred or so breaths would want to take on a relatively low paying, high stress job. Ronald Regan at 73 was the oldest person to run for office. We later learned that he was likely suffering from the early stages of Alzheimers during his final term. I think the narcissism of these people is so extreme that they would soldier on through enormous pressure just to be the top dog. I wonder if the first George Bush thought being Commander in Chief was a fun job when he fell ill on a trip to Japan and hurled executive orders into the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister.

Hillary's coughing fit, just a few days ago, was painful to watch. If you've ever had to publicly speak with a piece of yarn caught in your throat then you know what she was going through. She just kept coughing and pointing, then coughing more, then drinking water. When she tried to talk that just made it all worse. Somebody gave her a little throat lozenge which she squirrelled away without a word because all she could do is point and cough and drink. I was afraid that all that water was going to overwhelm her Depends.

 

It's entirely possible that like the film, Weekend at Bernie's, Hillary isn't alive, and that her team has been carting her around to all these events for years to make it appear she's still with us. Maybe she didn't pass out at home and hit her head but instead passed away. It makes a lot of sense. Her coughing fit was just a ruse to eat up the clock. The private email server was how her team answered her emails. Not only was she asleep during the Bengazi attack, she was taking a dirt nap. This is also why Bill has had so many girlfriends. As he puts it,

"I ain't cheating on ma wife. The bitch is dead."

It's also why she does so poorly in the debates. She even lost a shoe in this latest incident that had to be recovered by the New York PD. Did you ever wonder why her team hides her away for weeks at a time? Not to mention all this talk of body doubles. Bill once referred to Hillary as "frigid." Who knew he meant it literally?

Choosing the president is a difficult task made even more harrowing when the candidates are senior citizens. As the rest of us get older and start developing unrealistic phobias like a fear of beards, presidential candidates seek more decision making opportunities, more pressure. Just when they're incapable of putting on their socks by themselves, we turn to them to decide what to do in the Middle-East. When what type of cornflakes to choose in the morning is a difficult decision, we want them to turn around a slumping economy. When they start referring to their little dog as their "favorite grandchild," we ask them to fix healthcare. When Social Security needs shoring up, we look to them, even though they can't open a jar of pickles. We want affordable housing, healthcare, medication and tuition and they want cheap dentures. We throw the toughest challenges faced by the country at them just when they're challenged by a flight of stairs, and we're surprised when they make a mess of it all.

I just hope Hillary got her shoe back.

Huma Weiner Calls It Quits

The longtime right hand woman to Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin, has called it quits on her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In 2011, Weiner, a congressman from New York, resigned from the House amid allegations that the newly married congressman sent pictures, bare chested in his underpants, to some woman following him on twitter. Some of the pictures looked like Weiner had a Ronco Pocket Fisherman in his BVDs. After brushing off the incident as a computer hack, then a joke, Weiner eventually fessed up and apologized to his wife. Abedin was pregnant at the time, and while it wasn’t the best thing that could have happened, I can see why she stuck it out. Her boss, Hillary Clinton, encouraged her to reconcile which considering the details of Bill’s extramarital hijinks, Weiner’s pictures in his skivvies where almost not worth mentioning. He paid heavily, though, for the impromptu Calvin Klein shots with his seat in congress.

During the 2013 mayoral race in New York City, Weiner sent another batch of scratch and sniff photos to Sydney Leather, a 22 year old woman from Indiana. During a news conference, Weiner expressed regret for his actions. Huma was by his side, ready to forgive him once again. His wife exhibited more restraint than a Catholic, and people think Muslims are extremists. Weiner used the alias “Carlos Danger” while sexting. Carlos was defeated drawing less than 5% of the votes which is not surprising since in an earlier election bid, he lost the party nomination to a write in candidate.

Recently, more of Weiner’s selfie stick pictures surfaced, this time one which included his toddler son. Prior to this one picture, most of Weiner’s questionable selfies, described in the media as “sexually explicit,” were bare chested pics of Weiner flexing in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger pose. A few of the underwear shots clearly show that he's locked and loaded. I read that there is one bare ass shot out there, but I didn’t search online long because I don’t want the US PRISM surveillance network recording in a database that I was looking intently for a picture of Anthony Weiner’s ass.

I, for one, am very disappointed. When Abedin and Weiner announced their engagement, I had high hopes for peace in the Middle-East. The way I figure it, if a proud, educated, Muslim woman, raised in Saudi Arabia could marry a Jewish kid from Brooklyn, then just maybe I would be able to tick off visiting the pyramids from my bucket list. But, just like peace in the Middle-East, it never lasts.

Bill Clinton officiated their wedding in 2010. I imagine during the ceremony, Bill talked about the sacrament of marriage, fidelity, discretion, and keeping sexting to a minimum. His “I Met a Girl Speech” he delivered at the DNC left out all the other girls Bill met over the years. And some people say gays are making a mockery of marriage.

The news media has reported that "sources close to the Clintons" say that Hillary and Bill have had enough of Weiner. I think the source might be Bill Clinton’s busty, Chappaqua neighbor, girlfriend who the Secret Service codenamed the “energizer.” Apparently “E” and Bill play hide the Cuban whenever Hillary is on the campaign trail. Weiner commenting on Trump said,

“…a lot of people... say to me, ‘Boy, compared to inviting the Russians to come hack someone’s email, your thing seems almost quaint.’”

Well, maybe compared to Bill’s thing, Weiner’s thing seems quaint.

I have to concede that Trump was right. When Weiner was running for mayor, Trump was very vocal saying that Huma should jump ship. He explicitly stated that Huma should get out of there before Weiner does it again. Recently, Weiner said that he would come out of retirement from politics to run against Trump for mayor beating him like "a rented mule." Weiner would have to gain a party nomination first before he could go head to head against Trump. Weiner discussing rented mules will certainly make voters uneasy. If pictures surface of Weiner and animals in his underwear with Lieutenant Dan standing at attention, then I don't think he could beat Martin Shkreli, the former CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

You know, you don’t have to be Theresa Caputo, channeling Gandhi to predict that Weiner wasn’t going to give up his publishing career. After resigning from congress, the dude had way too much free time on his hands, not to mention access to computers. Just as Bill Clinton in his advanced age continues to perform the disappearing cigar trick when Hillary is on the campaign trail, Weiner continued his quaint hobby while his wife accompanied her.

Maybe, Hillary will be next. Women tend to divorce in groups. I think it has something to do with sharing pictures of food on social media, but I could be wrong. I think Huma and Weiner were doomed from day one. They had the whole Palestinian / Israeli conflict working against them, they were married by the world's leading womanizer whose fan club president is Charlie Sheen, she never took his last name because it's a colloquialism for “penis,” and Huma is way better looking than Weiner.

Bill better look out. If Hillary starts posting pictures of treacle tarts on social media, he’ll be next. In fact, if Hillary unloads Bill before the election, I’ll vote for her. Then at least we won’t have to decide what to call him. He’ll be the First Gentlemen, you know.

At least half of that is right.