Early Dismissal Form for the Thoroughly Appalled

When William started kindergarten, I needed to arrange pick up from school on Mondays in lieu of the cheese wagon to accommodate his swim lesson. The proper nomenclature was "Student Pick Up," and it wasn't the easiest thing to invoke. It required a form to be filled out which I requested from the office. They dutifully added the paperwork to William's folder of "Things To Go Home." I hate filling out forms. Some time ago, I wrote a piece about my distain for filling out medical forms. Little did I know I was about to embark upon a form fiasco to get my son out of kindergarten early.

Willy and his Swim Instructor

I thought I filled out the "Student Pickup Form" correctly, but I got it sent back with William's bus number circled in red with a large "X" next to it. Admittedly I didn't look at the form all that closely because well, I'm an idiot. I know all this paperwork is supposed to ensure that my kid is handed off safely, but in truth there is very little actual safeguards. Like the Chapman lock I used to have in my Honda Prelude back in college, the only person kept out was me. I don't have a safe feeling that a properly filled out "Student Pickup Form" will prevent a stranger from snatching my kid from the chaotic exchange in the gym, just like when my car along with the Chapman lock was stolen in broad daylight.

When I filled out the form, I had to delineate what I wanted William to do each day of the week which was mostly "Get on Bus 22, and ride it home." On Mondays he was to go to the gym and wait for me to pick him up for his swim lesson. I inadvertently filled out his bus number on Mondays as well as checked "Pick up." Apparently that was not what you were supposed to do. So I crossed out the "22" and returned the form to William's folder.

The next day I got the form back. The reason for early dismissal was circled and annotated with another red "X." I entered "Swim Lesson" then sent it back. When Monday rolled around, and I went to pick up William, he wasn't in the gym. I asked the woman in charge where he was. She looked into it then told me that William was not on the list. I went to the office and asked why my son wasn't at pickup.

"You didn't fill out the form correctly," exclaimed a smartly dressed, grey haired woman named "Ruth" who I'm sure was once a Catholic nun.

"What do I need to do?" I asked.

Ruth got up from her desk and made her way to the counter. The expression on her face made it clear she was unhappy. She plunked down the "Student Pickup Form," then she just glared at me. I thought she was waiting for me to put my hand on the counter so she could rap my knuckles with a metal ruler. After an unusually long time, she said,

"You didn't sign it."

On the bottom of the form was a line labeled "Name" so I printed my name. If they wanted me to sign, they should have labeled the field "Signature." I thought of telling Ruth that I didn't know how to write in cursive, but I figured she would take one look at my salt and pepper hair and know I wasn't being truthful. Besides William's swim lesson was fast approaching, and I needed to move this along. I scribbled my name on the line as illegibly as I could. Ruth snatched the form then told me to wait for William in the gym. A teacher's aide escorted Willy to me, and we dashed off to the local YMCA.

The following Monday he was in the gym ready to go. The system was working smoothly until William's swim instructor needed to push up his lesson by a half an hour. Now I had to go back to the office and find out what I had to do to get William out fifteen minutes early to make his new swim lesson. Ruth told me,

"We don't like students missing school for outside activities. You'll have to get approval from the principal."

Now it's important to note that William was in kindergarten. He was learning to count and read which are very important skills to master. He also did a lot of coloring which William is moderately good at. As much as I want him to stay within the lines, I think it's far more important for him to learn how not to drown.

I sent an email as directed stating that William needed to get out fifteen minutes before Student Pick Up to make his swim lesson. The principal never responded so after a few days, I went back into the office and tried again. Ruth told me that I would have to fill out a special form each week called the "Early Dismissal Form," and I had to get him a half hour early because fifteen minutes was not allowed. I'm sure it was not possible like certain quantum energy states. I was just glad that she didn't make me say three "Our Fathers" and one "Hail Mary." She gave me the new form. I inadvertently added William's bus number on Monday again. When she saw this, she circled it and said,

"Wrong again!"

Now Ruth could have crossed off the bus number herself, but she insisted I make all the changes, however small. So I crossed off the "22" then noticed that I forgot to fill out the line for "Reason." I wrote,

"Need help on the farm."

She took the form and off I went. Before I left I grabbed a stack of Early Dismissal Forms because I needed to fill one out every week now. The next week, I put for "Reason,"

"His turn in the mine."

The following week,

"Need Willy to change the bobbins."

Then,

"Sweep the chimney. He's small enough to fit."

And that was the one that did it. I got an email back from a school official which expressed their dissatisfaction with my "appalling attitude towards school correspondence." Luckily William's swim instructor asked if she could move back William's lesson to the original time. I hoped the earlier Student Pick Up Form was still on file and would be applicable.


 Owl Moon

Recently I went in to William's school to read the book, Owl Moon by Jane Yolen, to his class. I read the book to his older brother's kindergarten class eight years earlier. That story is much about fatherhood as it is about appreciating wildlife. I wish I could tell you my father and I trekked in deep snow at night just to spot an owl, but that wasn't the case. He wasn't the adventurous type and never seemed to have time for that kind of thing. William escorted me to the office to return my visitor's badge. Before I left I said to William,

"I'll see you at pick up."

"Oh no you won't!" Ruth exclaimed.

"Why not? It's Monday."

She slapped down my original Student Pick Up Form.

"You have to fill out a new form, and it's too late for today. It had to be in by ten o'clock."

Instead of arguing that the new form would have the same info as what was already on the original form, I said, "That's fine."

"I guess he'll just have to miss his swim lesson," Ruth reasoned.

"I guess so."

Luckily a young woman popped out of an office and came to the counter. She spun the form around.

"I'll take care of this for you Mr. Languedoc," she said with a pleasant smile. I thanked her as Ruth frowned.

Most parents lose sleep over safety concerns for their children. A child is far more likely to drown than to be abducted. I went to kindergarten at a local YMCA. My mother had a fear of water so each week she ensured that I forgot my swimsuit. The trepidation she instilled in me gave way to embarrassment as a teenager. At pool parties, I was always concerned that someone would toss me in the water. At the beach, I was keenly aware of the tidal condition after one time being swept out and rescued by a fellow swimmer.

William is back in his swim lesson, and he's a phenomenal swimmer. The other day he got up in the middle of the night to tell me that he heard an owl. He had his little flashlight in his hand.

"You want to go outside and see if we can find the owl?" I asked.

He looked out the dark window then to his diminutive light.

"No, I'm scared."

"Hop up," I said as he climbed into bed, buried himself under the covers then fell fast asleep.

Maybe next year.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 17, 2017.

Swim Fight Club

 

Lily King of the United States bested her Russian rival, Yulia Efimova, proving once again that capitalism with its too big to fail, special interest, organized labor and government bailouts is a far better system than communism. The King / Efimova story has all the elements of a classical drama, good versus evil, democracy versus communism, truth versus fiction and nice personality versus hot model.

America likes an underdog and Lily King is certainly that. King is the finger wagging, freshman Olympian who is an outspoken critic of performance enhancing drugs. She’s open about the finger flaunting not being a celebration of a first place victory, but instead a condemnation of her rival who was suspended for an earlier drug test. For some time now, the chief export of Russia has been hot, female, mediocre tennis athletes. Efimova is the swim version of the same state policy except she’s far from mediocre especially when she’s hopped up on Lance Armstrong’s mega shake. She is the reigning Russian world champion even while serving her 16 month suspension. She also popped positive just before Rio, but the charges were mysteriously dropped.

This didn’t sit well with Lily King. After King defeated Efimova in the 100m breast stroke and both swimmer’s extensive digital back and forth, King said,

“You’re shaking your finger ‘No. 1’ and you’ve been caught drug cheating. I’m not a fan.”

She also added, “It’s incredible, just winning a gold medal, and knowing I did it clean.” King also admitted to reporters “People probably think I am serving it up a little but, that is just how I am. That’s just my personality. I’m not this sweet little girl, that’s not who I am.”

Apparently, redemption and forgiveness is not who King is either.

Efimova medaled twice with silver in Rio, and King with two golds. (During the Olympics is the only time "medal" is a verb.) Efimova quipped at one point after being booed as she entered the arena,

"I thought the Cold War was over."

What Lily King does not understand is that it’s never a good idea to rub it in even when you’re in the right. The Olympics used to be about international magical cooperation. Or was that the Tri-wizard Tournament? My bad. At a press conference, King announced that she was returning to Indiana University to finish her Physical Education degree. I'm sure there is a middle school in Ohio that can't wait for King to graduate. Efimova should have made an obtuse remark like,

"Oh, Phys Ed? When I'm done with Rio, I'm doing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover."

I often wonder how you get a four year college degree in physical education. Are the rules to dodge ball that complicated? King probably aced Kinesiology and Ethics. A quick online search indicates that there are actual PhD programs in physical education. Can you imagine being a Doctor of Gym? How does one come up with original physical education research? That must be the hard part.

Yulia Efimova

Americans may like an underdog, but they like people who are hot even more. Studies show that attractive people are hired sooner, paid more, promoted more frequently, more likely to be believed, and are more likely to be forgiven. No one is sure why Efimova’s charge of illegal substance use was dropped just before the Olympics. I’m sure after careful consideration the committee agreed that Efimova looked great in those swimsuit pictures. Yulia Efimova got into swimming to escape the First Chechen War. Lily King took up swimming because she had nothing to do on Friday nights. Did I mention the online swimsuit pics?

Efimova claimed that King made her entire Olympic experience a “nightmare.” I’ll tell you what a real nightmare looks like, waking up in a crummy town in the midwest as a Phys Ed student with a major superiority complex. Sorry. I just can’t get those swimsuit pictures out of my head. Efimova also claimed that she was unaware of how she popped positive on the drug tests. She should have blamed the whole drug thing on a late night dip in that green pool in Rio. She could have said,

"I never should have swam in there naked."

That would have kept social media busy for weeks. Efimova should leak some seductive photos to lead the American people away from the drug scandal. I think one side boob and a nipple slip should do the trick.

Phelps Smashes Leonidas of Rhodes 2168 Year Record



 

It was bound to happen with today's innovations in spandex and Gator Aide. Michael Phelps, the man a little more at home in Shamu's pool at SeaWorld than his home town of Baltimore, finally has more Olympic medals than anyone else. He trounced Leonidas of Rhodes long time record.

Leonidas was not a swimmer like Phelps. He was a talented runner like Bruce Jenner, before Bruce went through menopause. Unlike runners today, Leonidas ran his heats in the buff. All olympians competed naked in those days. I can’t image running a road race in the nude under the hot summer sun, let alone wrestling, but that’s the way they did it. Nudity was the fashion statement in athletics in ancient Greece. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word “gymos” which means “buck naked.” I'm sure the taunting back in those days must have been awful. There was probably a lot of anatomical shaming to psych out your opponent. Say what you want about the ancient Greeks, they sure knew how to have fun.

Phelps has size fourteen feet so not surprisingly he excels at swimming having what is best described as two flippers to propel his six foot four frame. He also benefits from a whole host of technology not available in Leonidas's time like Advil and Tommy Copper to name a few. Ironically cupping therapy, the Phelps go to treatment for muscle pain, was around in Leonidas era. It dates back to 400 BC when it was used in Greece by Hippocrates, who came up with a moralistic oath sworn by all doctors today that states a doctor shall not order unnecessary tests just to run up the bill. 

Leonidas probably required a good cupping session after competing in the Hoplitodromos, a 800 meter run in full armor. He medaled several years in a row in the "hoppy" as they used to call it. Actually, Leonidas never got a single medal. Back in his day, they gave out wreaths that the Olympians wore on their heads. Leonidas "wreathed" in other running events, namely the Stadion and Diaulos, events equivalent to the 200m and 400m of today, except that after crossing the finish line the winner was expected to endure a congratulatory knee to the groin from every competitor. The Spartans were even tougher than the Greeks. Not only did they regard helmets as an unnecessary nuisance in battle, when they crossed the finish line, they kicked themselves in the nuts.

Leonidas probably did not get the kinds of lucrative deals modern day Olympians enjoy today although he did land an exclusive sponsorship for the wheel. Phelps on the other hand was picked up by Speedo, Under Armor and Cheech and Chong's Bong Magic.

All records are there to be broken. Leonidas of Rhodes had a good run. It was probably a little easier to get away with doping in Leonidas's day, but it was much harder to win. Just imagine running with a metal helmet with no foam padding under the hot sun while carrying a fifty pound bronze shield that your penis keeps banging into. Makes a swim competition look like a leisure activity.