Stephen Hawking, Pop Icon

Stephen Hawking

If you’re really smart, like Will Hunting smart, you have to follow Stephen Hawking, the late wheelchair bound genius of theoretical physics. No one ever doubted Stephen's intellect. He was an author of several technical books, and held the same position at the University of Cambridge in England that Sir Isaac Newton once occupied. He was the premier professor of astrophysics. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist to the Stars, referred to Hawking as a "badass." He wrote about time, the expanding universe and the existence of aliens. He was married twice which is amazing considering he was a bit of a dependent personality. He attracted women purely on his super genius status. That’s impressive.

Being a professor of astrophysics means Stephen could postulate just about anything, and the lay public was mesmerized by his sheer brain power. He stipulated that black holes emit radiation and the collective brain trust of society gasped at the beauty of his hypothesis. They even named the radiation after him, "Hawking Radiation." It took Stephen minutes to type one letter so writing a book was a monumental task, but he soldiered on against unbelievable odds in a life that was incomprehensibly difficult.

Astrophysics is a tough subject with some equally tough math. I'm talking partial differential equations here. Stuff that will tax your neurons long before you get to “x = 8.” Real math for real smart people like Hawking. The chief advantage of being in the field of astrophysics is that you can postulate just about anything and since the advances don’t do anything beneficial for humankind, no one really questions any of it. If Hawking said Pez was emitted from black holes instead of radiation, no one would have challenged it. It would be called Hawking Pez and everyone would have accepted it. Sure, whatever. In think tanks all over the world, people would be heard saying,

"Did you know Pez is emitted from black holes?"

Everyone would nod in agreement, all thinking that the speaker was brilliant for even understanding the concept. The movie about Hawking’s life, The Theory of Everything, had a scene in which Eddie Redmayne, playing Hawking, sits in a wheelchair in front of the world’s leading astrophysicists in a small amphitheater and rambles on about a whole bunch of hypotheses regarding the heavens. When he finally completes his diatribe, David Thewilis, the onetime Professor Lupin who had a nasty case of the werewolfs, jumps up and exclaims,

“Hawking has done it!”

A foreign sounding scientist, somehow insulted by Hawking’s statements as if what he postulated was an outright insult to his family name, pops up from his seat and yells, “Preposterous!” as he makes for the exit.

I think that guy was on to something. Maybe he knew that civilized society would be sympathetic to Hawking and simply agree with him because of his plight. Or maybe Hawking was refuting this dude’s life’s work. Perhaps this guy was adamant about black holes not emitting radiation. Maybe he had proved it with countless peer reviewed technical papers in which the math showed that radiation could never be emitted from a black hole. Perhaps, he penned,

“Say what you want about black holes, they don't emit radiation. Period. End of story.”

I’m not sure what the deal was but that dude was pissed.

Stephen once disclosed that at Oxford he put in only about a thousand hours of the requisite 10,000 necessary to become a master in any field. He also admitted that he didn't learn to read until he was eight. Stephen’s publicist probably suggested that if he wanted to become more famous he would need to push the Hollywood version of genius which is that of a consummate slacker. This was best illustrated in the movie that launched Matt Damon’s and Ben Affleck’s careers, Good Will Hunting. Will Hunting was a janitor genius who intrinsically understood organic chemistry and had a natural ability with advanced mathematics. The big conflict in the movie was how Will didn't give two quarks about his advanced, superior intellect. Two percent of users on Rotten Tomatoes disliked this movie, ironically the same percentage of actual geniuses in society.

Hollywood loves the concept of the genius slacker, and Stephen wants to be a “pop icon.” He once declared,

“I don’t feel like a true pop culture icon until I’ve been on the Kardashians.”

I’m not sure if Stephen ever actually watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Kim Kardashian

Admittedly, I've never watched a full episode of the show either. Every time I tune in one of them is lamenting about fame, taking a picture of themselves or just doing something so painfully stupid that I had to watch a half hour of Lassie just to cleanse the palate. Last time I tuned in, they were all playing charades. It must have been a special family version that they alone engage in because the word to guess was, and I'm not making this up, "motherfucker." I tuned out when Robert Kardashian started air humping his mom, Kris. Before I could scramble the remote, Kim's expression changed from someone trying to discover the origin of a particularly foul smell to sheer delight as she shouted out the answer.

Exactly how does Stephen Hawking think he would scissor into that scene? If I was him I would fear being in the care of the Kardashians. They’re a little on the surface for me. I’d be scared they’d leave me in the corner with a dead battery, facing a black and white, tube TV tuned to MTV’s Pregnant at 16. Stephen shouldn’t have ever thought he could rely on Kanye West for the Heimlich maneuver if he choked on a piece of chicken. I think they would have discovered something is wrong only after Stephen started to smell bad.

Kanye West

Another time I watched the show the Kardashian clan was visiting their mother land, Armenia. Some of them were being given a tour of a thirteenth century monastery by a religious dude in a tunic who through a translator conveyed fascinating historical anecdotes. It didn’t really matter that none of them could understand a word the guy was saying because no one was listening anyway. Kanye began smiling and circling the guy while admiring his clothing. Kim was narrating when she said something about how she can always tell when Kanye’s fashion senses are piqued. Forget that this guy might be talking about some historically significant devastating tragedy that once befell the Aramean people. Kanye was more interested in the dude’s threads. Stephen would have been a great addition to that episode. At least one person would have appeared to be listening. Problem is they would have likely forgotten him on the bus.

Maybe it would have worked out. I don’t know. I just keep wondering who Stephen would've talked to, and if he did find one of them he could converse with, what would they talk about? Something tells me Scott Dipstick doesn’t have an opinion if light is a particle or a wave. I don’t think Kanye muses much about string theory, and I imagine what Kim knows about worm holes wouldn't interest Stephen Hawking. My money is against Khloe being well versed in special relativity, or Kendall embracing a stance on dark energy. Kylie might have an opinion concerning the Grand Unified Theory because I think it's the basis for her lip kit.

I always hoped one of the Kardashians stumbled across this post and launched an extensive social media attack of my blog, but it never happened. I would've been more than happy if they made this bitch famous.

Editor’s Note: Originally published on September 1, 2016.

Prince's Greatest Moment

Back in the spring of 2016, the untimely death of Prince at 58 preoccupied the media which were mainly concerned with the cause of his demise and what I recalled at the time "unsettling revelations." For me the latter chipped away at the pedestal I always imagine Prince standing on. In the 80's when the movie, Purple Rain, came out, starring Prince as "the Kid," you couldn't help but think he was way cool. He played a crazy guitar. He was a genius musician like a modern day Mozart. He rode a motorcycle. He got the girl in the end, and he was a showman with a troubled past like James Dean with a dash of Liberace.


I, for one, was blissfully unaware of how short Prince was. Back then I read he weighed 112 pounds. I really wanted the news media to stop ruining my larger than life image of Prince, but they kept reporting things like he stood 5' 3" and kept two doves as pets. One news source reported that the birds grieved following Prince's death as recalled by his sister, Tyka Nelson. I didn't want to know every detail about Prince's private life, but the news kept flowing in. At the rate they were going I expected the autopsy to reveal that Prince had a boil on his ass.

Prince often wore clothes that were a bit effeminate. He wore purple tuxedoes and frilly shirts. Now I was wondering where did he get these articles of clothing? You certainly can't get such flamboyant threads in the Boy’s Department of Kohl's. Prince was a showman even if he never wore capes or furs or expensive jewelry. It was a testament to how cool he really was. Anyone who can pull off a frilly shirt as a fashion statement has so much excess swag that they could drop some on the side walk and still be awesome.

Prince grew up a Seventh-day Adventist and as an adult he became a Jehovah’s Witness, hawking religious pamphlets door to door. I read an article in which a Jewish couple recalled Prince coming to their door with other witnesses. I image he was mistaken for the little well-dressed, well-behaved child that always accompanies them. One time some Jehovah’s came to my door and tried to drop off a copy of the Watchtower, their seminal monthly magazine. A teenage boy accompanied them. To this day, I swear the kid was trying to speak to me through Morse code via eye blinks. He relayed,

“Please rescue me from these nut jobs.” I often wonder what happened to him.

The constant dancing around the stage in high boots apparently wreaked havoc on Prince’s hip. His religious beliefs prevented him from getting a blood transfusion, necessary for hip replacement surgery. Jehovah’s Witnesses eschew blood transfusion because they believe the Bible prohibits ingesting blood. They even get down to the nitty gritty stating that red cells, white cells, platelets and plasma are a no go while the use of parts of blood such as albumin, immunoglobulin and hemophiliac are okay. I didn’t realize the Bible was so specific. It makes sense because Jesus never got a blood transfusion.

Prince’s music was cool in the 80's, but it never really evolved. Same ole extended droning guitar tracks. John Parelese, who writes about music for the New York Times, described Prince as, “a master architect of funk, R&B, rock and pop.” Funk maybe, but in an olfactory sense. Prince would often get into long drawn out tracks and make all sorts of unscripted rambling statements like

“That's what the people say! Right Sheldon?”

He’d often bring it all home in overdrive by scream something unintelligible like,

"Take me away!"

His shining moment was during one of these extended riffs when he invited Kim Kardashian on the stage. This concerned me as Stephen Hawking warned to never put matter and antimatter together because they'll annihilate each other along with the release of “a large amount of energy." The hugely talented, multifaceted, artist should have never stood so close to Kim Kardashian. I expected at any moment they would cancel each other out. Not to mention there was more antimatter than matter. Stephen never told us what would happen in that case. Best I can tell, there would be a big flash. Prince would be largely consumed, leaving a small amount of Kim along with her butt implants on the stage.

Surgical butt implants are certainly a trend my generation could never have predicted. Call me ole fashioned, but I just don’t get deliberately making your ass larger. I grew up on the Sir Mix-a-Lot trend setting song, Baby Got Back, and I might be out of my element here, but I think it was more a cautionary tale than large ass advocacy. I don’t think having a huge gut will ever be fashionable nor will people in the future get belly implants even though Sarah Robles won a bronze medal in powerlifting in Rio in 2016 and again in Japan in 2020. Now, if she had won the gold, things might have been different.

Whatever Kim did to get up onto that stage, she certainly didn't think it through. Apparently Scott Dipstick, the dude the Kardashians collectively ignore, gets paid to exist at parties. They call it a “club appearance.” The Kardashians ignored Bruce Jenner too until he won Glamour’s Woman of Year, prompting women all over the country to acknowledge that white men have to take that away from them too. It’s not enough that Caucasian males have dominated the workforce for decades, taking all the leadership roles, Glamour has made it clear that white men make better women as well.

Maybe Kim thought she would just exist on the stage like a club appearance. Prince didn't think it through either. It wasn't like he was coaxing Lady Gaga up there. She could have sang or danced or played the piano. Prince clearly wanted Kim to dance, but this is a closely guarded Kardashian secret, - none of them can dance. If you saw her sister, Kendall, in the futuristic video, Balmain x H&M, battle strutting from scene to scene as she calls in her minions, you know she can't groove either. For the big finish when Kendall finally gets warmed up, she kills it with some tight hand dancing.

Kim is famous for an odd array of things. Growing up in a room in which OJ almost offed himself, a sex tape, marrying a dude for 72 days, balancing things on her ass. Something tells me Prince was hoping for one of these, and I'm not talking about the balancing act.

Kim later explained that she was so star struck standing that close to Prince that she forgot to take a selfie. That’s like the Pope forgetting to genuflect. I kept waiting for Kim to whip out a Rubik’s cube, do a handstand. Anything. When Prince wants you to dance, you dance, and if you can’t dance, then you fake it fast. I’m sure, beyond any doubt, Kim Kardashian must be able to twerk. I would just stand back because I'll bet Kim could crack a walnut between her butt cheeks. After a rather uncomfortable twenty or so seconds in which Prince tried to get Kim to dance, bum hip and all, he realized she wasn’t going to play along then turned to her and screeched, 

"Get off the stage!"

Followed by,

"Welcome to America."

Kim made a quick exit much to our collective relief. It was a terribly uncomfortable moment. Kim is famous for having a large seat cushion which anyone can see is too big to fit into Prince’s wheelhouse. Kim did her best. If you watch closely about a minute in, Kim extends her arm and says,

“Pick a card. Any card.”

That was Princes greatest moment, kicking Kim and her huge fake butt off the stage. Thank you, Prince for that timeless moment raining purple on the Kardashian's phony world.

Editor's Note: Originally published on August 25, 2016.

Ozzy's Revelation

Ozzy

First off, Ozzy’s real name is John. Recently, Ozzy revealed that he's addicted to sex and apologized to "all the woman" he used to satisfy his lust. I would have focused on apologizing to just my wife, but today when you publically mess up it’s important to apologize to as many people as soon as possible. His long time wife, Sharon, announced that at 67, Ozzy is finally getting treatment for sex addiction. Good for him.

This raises some questions. What exactly is the treatment for sex addiction? How do I make sure I don't inadvertently get any? Does it involve pictures of nuns? Sharon also added,

“He should call Tiger Woods for some advice.”

I would love to be privy to that conversation.

Tiger: “You got to follow through on your stroke.”

Ozzy: “But sometimes I get hung up in the rough.”

Tiger: “Always insist on a shave first.”
Ozzy: “Shave? Are we talking about golf here?”

Ozzy probably thought,

“And to think all these years, I thought I was just shagging groupies."

I might be going out on a limb here, but I think all men like sex. Rock stars like Ozzy just have a greater opportunity than, say, your average accountant. Many aging rock stars, who are getting a little crusty around the edges, probably still get their share of groupie wild nights. Just ask Mick Jagger. Ozzy’s mistress, Michelle Pugh, a celebrity hairstylist, believes Ozzy might have misled her with his intentions. She describes herself as “inspired by rock and roll as much as she is by nature.” If you draw a circle around the words “rock and roll” and “nature,” they intersect in one place at Ted Nugent.

Ozzy bit the head off a dove, and then later a bat, and I forgave him for that. Once, Ozzy used a shotgun to dispatch stray cats that had scratched his wife’s Mercedes, and I stayed mum. He pushed a fifty inch television set out a ninth floor window of a hotel, and I turned a blind eye. He cheated on his wife numerous times, and once again I looked the other way. He peed on the Alamo, which crosses the line for me. We all have our limits.

The Alamo

My real problem I have with Ozzy is that his music sounds like the record is spinning on the wrong speed, a little like Alvin and the Chipmunks, just darker. Ozzy's lyrics usually embrace difficult subjects like teenage suicide. Problem is he encourages it. The little ditty, "Suicide Solution" has the lines,

"Where to hide, suicide is the only way out."

"Don't you know what it's really about?"
 

Keep in mind that Ozzy is not unloading these lyrics on the brain trust of our society. His fans were once young now middle-aged, impressionable, unemployed, satanically bent, potheads with no direction who will likely live in their parent’s basement forever. Sure as the name implies, they don’t call it Black Sabbath for nothing. Ozzy is a shuffling contradiction. He is a member of the Church of England, but his followers are predominantly Satan worshipping, nutjobs. I don’t think the Black Sabbath concert attendees care much for the quality of the music. I often wonder who these people are that adore Black Sabbath. They bring road kills to concerts that they toss onstage. Ozzy apparently encourages this. It’s the next level of Gallagher. One guy brought a slaughtered cow head. There’s always one overachiever. I wonder if security had to wand the cow head to make sure it was safe to bring into the concert hall.

I wish Ozzy well, I guess. At 67, a dude that is still firing off rounds is great news for all us aging males. You go John, bite heads off animals, make televisions fly. Just stop peeing on the Alamo, will you?

Swim Fight Club

 

Lily King of the United States bested her Russian rival, Yulia Efimova, proving once again that capitalism with its too big to fail, special interest, organized labor and government bailouts is a far better system than communism. The King / Efimova story has all the elements of a classical drama, good versus evil, democracy versus communism, truth versus fiction and nice personality versus hot model.

America likes an underdog and Lily King is certainly that. King is the finger wagging, freshman Olympian who is an outspoken critic of performance enhancing drugs. She’s open about the finger flaunting not being a celebration of a first place victory, but instead a condemnation of her rival who was suspended for an earlier drug test. For some time now, the chief export of Russia has been hot, female, mediocre tennis athletes. Efimova is the swim version of the same state policy except she’s far from mediocre especially when she’s hopped up on Lance Armstrong’s mega shake. She is the reigning Russian world champion even while serving her 16 month suspension. She also popped positive just before Rio, but the charges were mysteriously dropped.

This didn’t sit well with Lily King. After King defeated Efimova in the 100m breast stroke and both swimmer’s extensive digital back and forth, King said,

“You’re shaking your finger ‘No. 1’ and you’ve been caught drug cheating. I’m not a fan.”

She also added, “It’s incredible, just winning a gold medal, and knowing I did it clean.” King also admitted to reporters “People probably think I am serving it up a little but, that is just how I am. That’s just my personality. I’m not this sweet little girl, that’s not who I am.”

Apparently, redemption and forgiveness is not who King is either.

Efimova medaled twice with silver in Rio, and King with two golds. (During the Olympics is the only time "medal" is a verb.) Efimova quipped at one point after being booed as she entered the arena,

"I thought the Cold War was over."

What Lily King does not understand is that it’s never a good idea to rub it in even when you’re in the right. The Olympics used to be about international magical cooperation. Or was that the Tri-wizard Tournament? My bad. At a press conference, King announced that she was returning to Indiana University to finish her Physical Education degree. I'm sure there is a middle school in Ohio that can't wait for King to graduate. Efimova should have made an obtuse remark like,

"Oh, Phys Ed? When I'm done with Rio, I'm doing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover."

I often wonder how you get a four year college degree in physical education. Are the rules to dodge ball that complicated? King probably aced Kinesiology and Ethics. A quick online search indicates that there are actual PhD programs in physical education. Can you imagine being a Doctor of Gym? How does one come up with original physical education research? That must be the hard part.

Yulia Efimova

Americans may like an underdog, but they like people who are hot even more. Studies show that attractive people are hired sooner, paid more, promoted more frequently, more likely to be believed, and are more likely to be forgiven. No one is sure why Efimova’s charge of illegal substance use was dropped just before the Olympics. I’m sure after careful consideration the committee agreed that Efimova looked great in those swimsuit pictures. Yulia Efimova got into swimming to escape the First Chechen War. Lily King took up swimming because she had nothing to do on Friday nights. Did I mention the online swimsuit pics?

Efimova claimed that King made her entire Olympic experience a “nightmare.” I’ll tell you what a real nightmare looks like, waking up in a crummy town in the midwest as a Phys Ed student with a major superiority complex. Sorry. I just can’t get those swimsuit pictures out of my head. Efimova also claimed that she was unaware of how she popped positive on the drug tests. She should have blamed the whole drug thing on a late night dip in that green pool in Rio. She could have said,

"I never should have swam in there naked."

That would have kept social media busy for weeks. Efimova should leak some seductive photos to lead the American people away from the drug scandal. I think one side boob and a nipple slip should do the trick.

Phelps Smashes Leonidas of Rhodes 2168 Year Record



 

It was bound to happen with today's innovations in spandex and Gator Aide. Michael Phelps, the man a little more at home in Shamu's pool at SeaWorld than his home town of Baltimore, finally has more Olympic medals than anyone else. He trounced Leonidas of Rhodes long time record.

Leonidas was not a swimmer like Phelps. He was a talented runner like Bruce Jenner, before Bruce went through menopause. Unlike runners today, Leonidas ran his heats in the buff. All olympians competed naked in those days. I can’t image running a road race in the nude under the hot summer sun, let alone wrestling, but that’s the way they did it. Nudity was the fashion statement in athletics in ancient Greece. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word “gymos” which means “buck naked.” I'm sure the taunting back in those days must have been awful. There was probably a lot of anatomical shaming to psych out your opponent. Say what you want about the ancient Greeks, they sure knew how to have fun.

Phelps has size fourteen feet so not surprisingly he excels at swimming having what is best described as two flippers to propel his six foot four frame. He also benefits from a whole host of technology not available in Leonidas's time like Advil and Tommy Copper to name a few. Ironically cupping therapy, the Phelps go to treatment for muscle pain, was around in Leonidas era. It dates back to 400 BC when it was used in Greece by Hippocrates, who came up with a moralistic oath sworn by all doctors today that states a doctor shall not order unnecessary tests just to run up the bill. 

Leonidas probably required a good cupping session after competing in the Hoplitodromos, a 800 meter run in full armor. He medaled several years in a row in the "hoppy" as they used to call it. Actually, Leonidas never got a single medal. Back in his day, they gave out wreaths that the Olympians wore on their heads. Leonidas "wreathed" in other running events, namely the Stadion and Diaulos, events equivalent to the 200m and 400m of today, except that after crossing the finish line the winner was expected to endure a congratulatory knee to the groin from every competitor. The Spartans were even tougher than the Greeks. Not only did they regard helmets as an unnecessary nuisance in battle, when they crossed the finish line, they kicked themselves in the nuts.

Leonidas probably did not get the kinds of lucrative deals modern day Olympians enjoy today although he did land an exclusive sponsorship for the wheel. Phelps on the other hand was picked up by Speedo, Under Armor and Cheech and Chong's Bong Magic.

All records are there to be broken. Leonidas of Rhodes had a good run. It was probably a little easier to get away with doping in Leonidas's day, but it was much harder to win. Just imagine running with a metal helmet with no foam padding under the hot sun while carrying a fifty pound bronze shield that your penis keeps banging into. Makes a swim competition look like a leisure activity.