Before we were married when Christine and I visited her parent's house for the holidays I had to sleep by myself in the apartment over the garage where three of Christine's relatives moved on to the afterlife. Sleeping alone in the portal of death was bad enough, but I swear her father turned down the heat so I would freeze up there. Christine was from upper state New York which is known for a lot of snow and more snow.
One Christmas Eve after everyone went to bed, I was shivering in the elevator to oblivion when I decided to watch a little TV, and I mean a little TV. There was a tiny toaster sized black and white tube television on the dresser. After a bit of channel surfing, I settled in on Dickens's A Christmas Carol. Scrooge was ripping Bob Cratchit a new asshole for putting a lump of coal on the fire. Next to the TV was a small antique analog clock, the hands of which were pointing to the roman numerals for half past eleven.
Stave 1: Marley's Ghost
Before long I heard the sound of chains rattling. I thought it was coming from the tiny television, but with a glance I noticed it was off. The closet door suddenly swung open. I almost soiled the bed I was so scared. Before me stood a man in chains with a bandage around his head and jaw. When he stripped the cloth free, he moaned menacingly as his mouth fell opened.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I am your great uncle once removed on your mother's side, Jason Marley," the ghost sang.
"Oh, I get it. You're here to tell me that I work too much or something," I surmised.
"No, dumb ass. I'm here to tell you to shit or get off the pot."
"What do you mean, Jason?"
"When are you going to marry that girl?"
Jason moaned and rattled his chains menacingly.
"So what's up with all the chains? Was all that the things that kept you from marrying?" I asked.
Jason became more agitated. I figured if he kept this up Christine's dad would come in to investigate.
"No, doofus! I was married eight times when I walked the earth. These are the balls and chains from all my failed marriages," Jason howled.
"You'd be great at distressing a floor. You ever do that kind of work?"
Jason shook his chains as he screamed,
"Silence fool!"
A sudden calm came over him.
"You have but one chance to avoid my fate, cursed to walk the spirit world in chains forever alone. You will be visited by three spirits. You must heed their words."
"Are these three spirits going to be as loud as you because you're gonna wake the whole house?"
"Zip it, douchebag! Remember, three spirits."
Jason began fading away before my eyes.
"Yeah, I got it. Three spirits like the Stooges."
I looked to the TV. A test pattern was visible. I hadn't seen one of those since I was a kid. I didn't know that in Christine's backwards snowbound hometown that cable goes out at night. I turned off the TV then fell asleep.
Stave 2: The First of the Three Spirits
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| The First Spirit |
I slept for some time before I awoke to a shimmering glow. I sat up in bed to find a little figure before me with a dazzling light above its head. She lifted her arms wide then began to speak.
"I am the Ghost of Christine's Past. I'm her Aunt Ruth. When are you gonna marry that girl?"
"You lived in the apartment above the garage," I noted.
"I did. I never married. I spent my whole life taking care of my parents. But enough about me. Take my hand."
I reached out to touch the specter's palm. The moment we made contact we were transported to another part of the house in another time. A small blonde girl was feeding rodents in an aquarium.
"Who's the weird kid with the pet rats?" I asked.
"That's Christine when she was a little girl. She raised rats for her older brother who was a pre-med student in college," Aunt Ruth's ghost explained.
"I never knew that."
Aunt Ruth waved her hand. We were transported, yet again, to the summer. A little blonde girl skipped by herself on the sidewalk straddling a busy road.
"Is that Christine?" I asked.
"Oh yes. She was a vey independent little girl. She's walking to her godmother's house."
"How old is she?"
"Five. No one ever really watched her. That's how it is when you're an accident."
"Accident?"
"Yeah, you know, unplanned."
Aunt Ruth put her hand to her nose. We were transported to a circus. A pygmy hippo spun around in a circle, lions roared as they were coaxed to jump through flaming hoops.
"Why are we here, Aunt Ruth?" I asked.
Aunt Ruth pointed a long digit skyward. Wisps of blue smoke emanated from the tip of her finger. I looked up to see a slender blonde flying through the air and being snatched by a muscular dude who flipped her effortlessly onto a tiny small platform. The thin woman waved to the adoring crowd.
"Who is that?" I asked.
Aunt Ruth nodded.
"Christine!" I exclaimed incredulously.
"Yes," Aunt Ruth said breathlessly.
"I knew she was in the circus!"
"They needed someone who didn't weigh that much but was tall enough to have a good reach. She was a natural," Aunt Ruth explained.
"Tell me, Specter. Why do you show me these things?"
"These are the shadows of things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!"
Aunt Ruth reached up and extinguishing the light above her head with her palms. I was back in my bed. The hands on the clock pointed to 11:30 pm. I nodded off to sleep, chuckling at the vivid dream.
Stave 3: The Second of the Three Spirits
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| The Second Spirit |
I awoke to a brilliant fire in a fireplace that hadn't been in the bedroom until now. A muscular young dude with brown curly hair, wearing an evergreen robe while holding a torch, sat in front of a feast laid out before the hearth. He let out a hearty laugh as I sat up in bed. His robe was open revealing ample chest hair.
"Come here, dumb ass, so you can know me better," the bearded ghost commanded.
"Who are you?" I asked
"I'm the Ghost of Christine's Present. I'm her grandfather on her mother's side. Waldo's the name. When are you gonna marry that girl?"
"You must workout, Waldo. Whatta you bench?"
Waldo smacked me in the ear with the lit end of the torch. Sparks flew about the room as my head snapped to one side.
"Don't tase me bro!"
"Silence moron! We have many things to see and very little time," Waldo announced.
"Can we go back to the circus? I like the circus," I exclaimed.
"Shut up idiot! Take my robe," Waldo instructed.
We were spirited off to a barn. A blonde woman was brushing down a shimmering brown quarter horse.
"I know this place, Specter. This is the barn where Christine used to keep her horse."
"Yes, she was the president of her equestrian team in college," Waldo said.
"I was thinking about learning how to ride," I offered.
"You better get a move on, O Ignorant One."
I took ahold of Waldo's sleeve as we were spirited off to a small apartment with a distant ocean view. A gathering of merry people sang Christmas carols and sipped eggnog.
"This is Christine's apartment," I said.
"Her annual holiday party," Waldo noted, "You didn't go."
"I hate Christmas," I declared.
"Yes, I know, but she likes it. You should've gone. Look at that dude over yonder."
Waldo pointed to a square jawed jock who was hovering about Christine, taking every opportunity to be helpful.
"Ricky! I hate that guy," I exclaimed.
"He likes Christine. He'll be the last to leave tonight, and he'll profess his love to her," Waldo informed.
"Christine says that they're just friends, but the Rickster's always maneuvering in."
"And you give him every opportunity. You should be here with her, not watching some basketball game."
"I like the Huskies."
"Give me a break, college basketball? You'd rather watch twenty-two geology majors run around a court fighting over an orange ball than to be with a woman like her? It's no wonder the human race isn't endangered!"
"Tell me, what happens to her?"
"I see a set of skis in the corner without an owner."
"Christine dies! Tell me it's not so, Spirit!"
"Calm down, numb nuts. She'll give up skiing for you. She knows you can't ski with that bum knee of yours. She kind of hates it anyway so don't get a big head about it. Time to go, stupido."
I grabbed Waldo's robe, and we were whisked back to the garage apartment. Waldo looked older than when we first met.
"I have but a day on this earth, and now I grow tired. Before I go I have one more thing to show you."
Waldo flashed open his robe. I closed my eyes and looked away,
"Jesus, Waldo, I don't want to see that!'
"Open your eyes, dipshit."
My eyes fell upon two little clowns under his robe. As Waldo swung his torch in front to illuminate the figures, they cowered from the light.
"Oh clowns, " I said with relief, "For a minute I thought you were going to show me your..."
"Shut up, dickhead! The boy is Bim Bom. The girl is Claribell. Beware of the boy for he is ignorance and is never satisfied. He will bring doom to your very soul. The girl is want and has an annoying horn that she honks instead of speaking. People think I'm passing gas."
"What's your point, Waldo?"
"Do you love her boy?" Waldo asked sincerely.
"Yes I do," I answered unhesitatingly.
"How do you know?" Waldo said as his torch began to fade.
"Because I'm sure I could be with her for the rest of my life."
"Then be with her boy... be with her," Waldo faded away. His words echoing long after he was gone.
Stave 4: The Last of the Spirits
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| The Third Spirit |
I stirred in bed as Waldo's words reverberated in my head. A phantom slowly glided up to the footboard. It was frighteningly cold in the room. The ghost wore a robe that covered its head. Its face, a dark abyss. It outstretched a hand which was pale, barely more than bones.
"Ok, you're the scary one. You must be the Ghost of Christine Yet to Come. You're gonna show me things that haven't happened yet. Can we see the next Star Wars movie?"
My breath was visible in the room. The figure pointed downward menacingly. As I touched its shroud, we were transported to a studio apartment with white walls. A portly dude was watching a black and white tube TV on which two Czechoslovakian tennis players battled it out.
"Who's the fat bastard?" I asked
The ghost pointed to me.
"That's me? How did I get so fat?"
The ghost pointed to a pile of dishes in the sink.
"Look, I can cook. I make a mean five cheese lasagna."
The phantom pointed to a calendar haphazardly hanging on the wall.
"Okay, so five cheese lasagna everyday for six years will make you fat. So what am I watching?"
I walked around to see the screen.
"Tennis! I'm fat, and I'm watching tennis? I've seen enough, Specter."
We were spirited away to a beautiful house on a hill in a room with a fireplace and a Christmas tree with many presents. Two stockings hang from the mantel.
"Where are we, Spirit?" I asked.
The ghost pointed to two figures who come into focus, sitting on pillows on the floor. Rick is carefully painting Christine's toes.
"Oh, you can't be serious! Christine marries Rick?"
The ghost moves in for a closer look.
"Ok, so he's attentive, but he makes a post look astute."
The ghost turns to me and points.
"Where are we going now to their divorce hearing?"
The ghost holds up one finger then taps two fingers on its forearm, followed by a cupped hand over its ear, then makes a sweeping gesture with two hands, ending with cradling its arms.
"One word, two syllables, sounds like cradle. Dreidel, Christine converted? No, that can't be. There's a Christmas tree."
The ghost held out one finger prominently, taps two fingers on its forearm then begins doing a little river dance.
"I got that, one word, two syllables, sounds like dance. She doesn't like to dance. Oh, she wants to dance. Ricky dances with her."
The ghost straightens both arms in frustration.
"Christine wants to dance to Jewish music?"
The phantom reaches up and removes its hood. An elderly woman stands before me.
"Happy, you idiot. Is she happy?" the ghost asked.
"Who are you?"
"I'm her grandmother on her father's side. My name is Elna. So what do you think? Is she happy?"
"She looks happy, but Christine is a bit of a mystery."
"All woman are a mystery young man."
"Yeah, I saw Titanic. A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets."
"Look at her. Tell me. Is she happy?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because she's somewhere else right now."
"She's thinking about what could have been."
"You know, Elna, if God made anything more beautiful than her, he kept it for himself."
"Tell me, Robert, why didn't you ask her?
"Because I wasn't sure what she'd say. If she turned me down, I thought it would be too hard to get over."
"Nothing is certain in this life, Robert. All you can do is follow your heart, and there are two boys waiting for you to do so."
"I think I understand, Elna. Just one thing though."
"What's that?"
"You stink at charades."
Elna begins to disappear. As she fades away, she whispers,
"Follow your heart."
Stave 5: The End of It
I awoke to a bright morning. I jumped out bed and shouted,
"I will live in the past, present and the future!"
I ran to the window and flung it open. A fresh blanket of snow had fallen overnight. The newspaper boy was trekking up the driveway.
"Say boy, what day is it?" I shouted.
"Why it's Christmas Day sir," the boy exclaimed.
"I haven't missed it! Tell me, is that ring still in the window at the corner jewelers?"
"The one that is as big as me?"
"Yes, my fine fellow. Oh, he's a smart boy!"
"It's hanging there right now."
"I'm gonna toss you a credit card. You go buy it."
"But how do you know I won't steal it?"
"Because I trust you my boy!"
I threw my credit card out the window, and the boy was off like a shot.
After everyone tore through their presents, I got down on one knee and asked Christine to marry me. She said, "Yes," and twenty-five years later, we travelled the world, pedaled a tandem bicycle down the west coast, rode horses in Hyde Park in London and the Ring of Kerry in Ireland, and picked up two masters degrees together.
Over the years, I've learned a lot about myself as a man, husband and eventually a father after we met those two boys who were waiting on us. I've often thought about the three ghosts who visited me one Christmas Eve. The lesson they imparted that night has never faded.
Although there are no guarantees in life, your heart knows just where it must go.
Merry Christmas
