Send in the Clowns

Back in 2016, there was a rash of clown sightings across the country. It all started during the summer in South Carolina, not the funniest state in the union, but apparently one in which the clown population was allowed to go unchecked. People began to report that clowns were seen in the woods. It was believed that they were living in an abandoned house by a lake. Clowns near a lake in the woods? That's not good. Stephen King just stopped what he's doing to find a pencil.

In the fall a few hundred students from the University of Connecticut mobilized in a cemetery at midnight to hunt clowns. They carried shovels, hockey sticks and golf clubs. Presumably if they encountered a clown, they would have beaten it to death. Students organized a clown hunt at Penn State University as well. Five hundred people showed up. Something tells me that the kids involved in these activities are not majoring in STEM.

Two clowns were arrested by the police in November. They were charged with an obscure blue law about donning a mask in public. Apparently one of the clowns stayed in character and answered all the officer's questions by squeezing a horn. If you tase a clown, does its nose flash? I wonder.

The police crack down on clowns across the country was more unsettling than the clowns themselves. I read about a dude who is a professional clown being arrested while driving to some kid's birthday party. It's bad enough that his career choice is one rung lower than a puppeteer, but he gets dumped in a holding cell full of drug dealers dressed up as Bim Bom.

Experts said that copy cat clown hoaxes, spreading across the country via social media, were taxing emergency personnel, who were already stretched thin. The real problem is that we have a society that calls the cops for just about everything. I have a friend who once called the police for deer in her backyard.

#ClownsLivesMatter trended briefly on social media. People were urging restraint and a policy of "if you see something, say something." Of course, this discriminated against mimes. Experts advised that ignoring a clown is the worst thing you can do. They also believed that clowns are probably more afraid of us than we are of them. Being chased down by an angry mob wielding hockey sticks and golf clubs would certainly shake me in my boots even if they were four sizes too big.

During a White House press briefing back then, Press Secretary, Josh Earnest, was asked if President Obama was aware of the growing presence of clowns in many states. Imagine having the opportunity to pose a question to the Press Secretary for the leader of the free world and asking about clowns. They could have bombarded Earnest with inquires concerning the staggering nation debt or what really happened in Benghazi. They could have asked him if he thought we were doing enough to stem climate change. Instead journalists wanted to know what the president planned to do about all the clowns on the loose across the country.

One thing is for sure when it comes to sending in the clowns, don't bother. They're already here.

Editor's Note: Originally published on October 13, 2016. Clown sitings dropped off by the holidays which was a good thing since if it kept up, clowns were going to die, and nobody wanted that no matter how far down the uncanny valley this whole thing went.