A Secure Business Model

A few years after we moved to a rural part of town, a series of break-ins got the locals all up in arms. Security warning signs started popping up in many of the driveways. We followed the crowd and signed up with a well-known company. Admittedly, I wasn't keen on the idea of getting a security system. For one, I believed that it was highly unlikely that anyone would ever break into our house. We lived on a hill such that the house was not visible from the road. A prospective thief couldn't readily ascertain if we had a security system without casing the place via an elaborate ruse. I also figured that security companies break into houses to drum up business. That's why most of the people who were victimized on our road reported that nothing was stolen.

Either way, our house was prewired for a security system so my wife, Christine, wanted to have one installed. After researching the current technology in home protection, she determined that ADT had the best equipment and monitoring service. She emailed me a link to a color console panel that I thought was real cool. They had door and window sensors along with motion deterctors. It all looked good to me so I asked Christine,

"What does ADT stand for?"

"Advanced Detection Technology I think," she answered.

After our home security system was installed, I noted that the screen on the wall panel wasn't color. It was black and white and the graphics were crude. No splash of pigment or flashy animations for us. When I asked Christine what gives with the crappy display she told me they said that was all they had. So okay, they didn't have the technicolor control panel they bragged about on the internet. They had the equivalent of a 1969 black and white tube television set. The technician who installed the hardware showed Christine how to set and disarm the system. There were multiple buttons on the display, but she was instructed to use just one.

"What do the other buttons do?" I asked.

"Nothing," she answered.

So I had an ancient piece of hardware nailed to my wall that had several function buttons that didn't do anything. She showed me how to select "Night Mode" which we were to set every evening after the remains of the day. Night mode activated all the sensors on the first floor and none on the second floor where we all slept. I didn't want to ever set night mode as I was sure it would trip off in the wee hours of the morning from a fly buzzing in the kitchen or something. I also disliked the idea of cowering in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin while worrying about intruders breeching the outer perimeter. Christine insisted on setting night mode before we went to sleep.

Our foray into the world of safe houses was uneventful for a few days, then for some unknown reason the alarm sounded at 3 am. I tried to used the crummy control panel in our bedroom to turn the thing off. Through the panic brought on by the wailing siren, I entered the wrong code. The shitty display returned,

"Incorrect Code."

I tried again, but to no avail. On my third failed attempt, the system locked me out all while the alarm blared ceaselessly. Christine was looking through the paperwork to find a phone number to call. After some time the phone rang. It was Claire from the ADT monitoring service. As she spoke I heard every other word due the volume of the blaring siren. I handed the phone to Christine who convinced Claire that we were not taped to chairs as hooligans ransacked our house. She was kind enough to help Christine silence the alarm. After things calmed down, I asked Claire what tripped the alarm. Checking her monitor which I'm sure was colorful, she said that a sensor in the kitchen detected motion. Like what, a mouse? A ghost? It couldn't be a ghost because our house was new construction so no previous occupants appeared where they tragically perished. We were the first owners so we'll be the ones to haunt our house someday. Couldn't have been mice either. No droppings. While I had her on the phone, I asked Claire what ADT stood for.

"Access Detection Technology," she answered.

So we soldiered on with our home security system, never again setting it at night. Occasionally it lit off even though it wasn't armed. It was always for some reason like a dead battery needed to be replaced or a hardware update was required. After a few years in which the monthly bill climbed from $15 to $24, I saw a commercial for an exterior camera. I called ADT and inquired about the new piece of monitoring equipment. After some data exchange to verify my identity, a guy named Hal said,

"The camera isn't available in your area."

I wanted to ask Hal if he was in fact a robot himself, but instead I opted for,

"Tell me, Hal. What does ADT stand for?"

"Asynchronous Defense Tactics," he said confidently.

A few more years passed with more periodic false alarms emanating from our security system when I received an email indicating that I could now opt to control the thing from a smart phone. I was paying almost $40 a month now so I figured they certainly wanted me to expand my system with more technology. If I accessed the alarm via my phone I could ignore the wall panels altogether. This also allowed me to silence the alarm when it sounded sporadically for no reason at all. Once again I called ADT. This time I got Angela. She told me right up front that the smart phone interface wasn't available in my area. We weren't living on a prairie in the Midwest. We were in New England in which the population density exceeded just about every other place in the country. When I asked Angela what ADT stood for, she answered,

"Assistive Development Trends."

As time passed we embraced major life events like our son, Aidan, entering middle school and the birth of his brother, William. And of course, we also were periodically frightened out of our wits by a blaring horn reminiscent of the road rage one experiences upon crossing paths with a truck driver sporting one of those Ted Nugent bumper stickers. By now we had built an outbuilding which wasn't covered by our security system. I called ADT to inquire if they could include the building and my garage bays as well. I spoke to Phil. He told me that I would need to install a separate system for the outbuilding as there was no way to get wires back to the house. He also said that the garages could be covered, but "it will be an expensive install." Not being able to get what I wanted, I asked Phil what ADT stood for.

"Access Developer's Toolkit," he said assuredly.

That was the last time I tried to modify our security system. Months collected into years as Aidan graduated from high school and William climbed into 5th grade. Recently I got an email from ADT indicating that the 3G phone used by our security system was being phased out of existence, and we needed to call to make arrangements for an upgrade. The last time I had a 3G phone I called the local Blockbuster to see if one of the five copies of Smokey and the Bandit was available. I reluctantly contacted ADT. Crystal made arrangements for a technician to come the following Thursday to perform the necessary upgrades. When I asked her what ADT stood for, she said,

"Accelerated Degradation Testing."

With no sign of the ADT technician, Thursday came and went like a bad odor in an elevator. Upon checking with the home office, Mark told me that they hadn't the part, and when they got it, they'd give me a call. I told Mark to forget it, that I wanted to cancel my subscription. By now I was paying $60 a month as a longtime customer when I finally realized that they had me pigeon holed as an old guy who accepted the outgoing hardware without complaint. Mark offered to drop my monthly charge to $40, but I explained that I never got what I wanted from ADT so lowering the price for such poor service simply didn't make sense. He was disappointed as he told me that my subscription would take a month to cancel, and that no one will be coming by to uninstall all the equipment. Of course not, that shit belonged in a museum. Before he hung up, I asked him what ADT stood for. Mark responded,

"Abstract Data Type."

Two weeks later, I got a call from Mike, who said he was a regional director for ADT. He knew I was quitting and humbly asked me to tell him what transpired such that after 12 years I wanted to part ways with “the leading home security provider in America." I asked Mike upfront what ADT stood for. He said,

"Safety, quality and customer service."

"No, the letters," I said.

"Oh, it's the name of the original company. American District Telephone."

I thanked Mike for reaching out, but I really didn't want to go over a dozen years of subpar service, partly because my mind was made up, and I didn't want to recall what a moron I was for tolerating such a poor product for so long. When I was about to hang up, Mike made one final pitch. He offered $15 a month with no contract for a year, and they would come by and install everything I wanted with the latest equipment for no charge. I told Mike that they should've offered that deal when I was a clueless, loyal customer. I would've believed for the rest of my life that they were the best company in the world. With that we parted ways with ADT.

Oh, and by the way, it’s American District Telegraph, not telephone.