My Money's on Bieber

Justin "The Hammer" Bieber

Recently, Justin Bieber decided to take a break from music and chill out while enjoying being a husband to a fashion model. You'd think he'd do some hiking and fishing in his native Canada. You know, reconnect with nature while becoming more centered so he'll have better aim when pissing in a restaurant mop bucket.

All this heavy thinking and soul searching brought the Bieber to the conclusion that his next big move should be to beat up an actor 12 years older than his father. For some unknown reason, Justin Bieber decided that he should fight Tom Cruise, a 5' 7" twice divorced, 56 year old thespian. Cruise does perform most of his own stunts in his movies, but I think Bieber believes he's really Ethan Hunt. After training for over a year, Bieber wants to battle Tom Cruise in a MMA style fight inside an octagon. Bieber's dad, Jeremy, is a pretty tough, tattooed dude. He might be training the Bieber for his upcoming bout with Cruise, who should be ready once his doctors clear him from his latest colonoscopy. On Sunday, Bieber tweeted,

"I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you don't take this flight your (sic) scared and you will never live it down."

The only thing Cruise would never live down if he took this fight is a loss to a wafer who pens lyrics like,

I'm bigger
And all the haters
I swear they look so small from up here
'Cause we're bigger,
And love's bigger,
I'm bigger and you're bigger

Tom "The Controller" Cruise

I guess he thought he was bigger because initially Bieber wanted to take on MMA fighter, Connor McGregor, which was a really, really bad idea. A glancing blow from McGregor would have permanently returned Bieber to his formative years. After running down the short list of people to pummel, Bieber's crack public relations team chose Tom Cruise after rejecting Jimmy Carter, Howard Stern and Larry King.

Cruise is no slouch. He's an OT VIII in the Church of Scientology, which is an "Operating Thetan Level 8." This level "brings about a resurgence of power and native abilities..." so look out Justin Bieber. You don't know who you're messing with in the form of Tom Cruise. Bieber thinks that all those tattoos makes him a thug, but he's wrong. You need more than ink to stand tall in a fight. You have to be able to take a hit as well as deliver one. Cruise married some pretty tall gals so I know he absorbed a good beating now and again.

My money is on Bieber because the way I see it, Cruise will come out swinging and knock the milk and spaghetti out of Bieber who will collapse into the fetal position and start crying. Cruise, being a father, would come to his senses and then feel terrible. After helping Justin to his feet and wiping the tears from his face, Bieber will upper cut Tom in the castanets who will fall to the floor like Harry Styles when he took one for Scotland during Take Me Home Tour in Glasgow. Bieber would then hop around the ring with his arms raised in victory as Tom assumed the Non-operating Thetan position.

This is a real life Mission Impossible for Cruise and is definitely not Bieber's Baby as neither has anything to prove and both lose even if they win. If Tom decks Bieber, people will ask why an older guy is beating up on a kid. If Bieber flattens Cruise, people will ask why a younger dude is pummeling an old guy. Either way, I will certainly pay to watch.