Hollywood Power Couples Got It All

Hollywood power couples are celebrated at award shows for looking stunning on the red carpet. There are countless articles written about what wonderful parents they are, how they keep their relationships fresh, their latest vacations, their cool houses, and endless musings concerning their philosophies on child rearing.

Exceedingly White Gwen Stefani

Everything is great, being them. They look good, they got plenty of money, they're important, they wear trendy sunglasses, people want to hear what they have to say, they adopt kids from war torn poverty stricken countries, they get to do it in the Lincoln bedroom, and the paparazzi follow their every move. It's great being them up until the point that they announce on Twitter that they're getting a divorce.

A-maizing Blake Shelton

There's been a rash of Hollywood power couples consciously uncoupling lately. They announce that after X years of marriage they have mutually decided to raise their children as single parents, but they still care about each other, and move forward with respect and affection. Then they ask for privacy for the sake of the children "during this difficult time." A few days later, TMZ reports that the guy screwed the babysitter.

Gavin Munster

I was happy for Gwen Stefani when she hooked up with corn fed Blake Shelton. Gavin Rossdale always looked like an adult version of Eddy Munster to me. Blake is the salt of the earth kind of guy. I'm not sure why Blake and his wife divorced, but since there were no kids, it probably had to do with "difficult schedules." Either way, it's nice to see Gwen with Blake even though it greatly increases her chances of being involved in a gun accident.

Facially Challenged
Marc Anthony

I think Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were a physical mismatch. In an interview JLo said in regards to the attractiveness of her exs,

"I'm not a looks person. I don't know if you noticed over the years."

Even Marc Anthony's father told him he was ugly. If they keep it up Marc is going to climb under a rock and sing Spanish songs to himself. JLo has bucked her butt ugly trend with baseballer, Alex Rodrigues, who was considered one of the game's all time best players before he tested positive for enough Five Hour Energy for Dick Cheney to place in the Boston Marathon. Let's face it. We all know that Marc Anthony was a rebound from Ben Affleck.

TV Actress Jennifer Garner

Now, Jennifer Garner is an actress that one can guarantee if she's on the project, the movie will gross less than a Dairy Queen in winter. I think the big fight in the Affleck household was who was the worse actor. Ben was certain it was Jen in The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Jen would say just one word,

"Gigli."

Then the babysitter struck again ruining another Hollywood marriage.

Angelina Jolie probably made sure the childcare specialist was pretty dumpy so her husband, Brad Pitt, wouldn't hit it. That's what Maria Shiver did, but it didn't work. Pitt is being smeared by Jolie's public relations team with all these reports of Russian prostitutes and drug use. I always imagined he was a nice guy. They make it sound like a few lines of coke and two beers, and Pitt would do up a bullet hole.

Brangelina at the Premier
of their Divorce

His friend, George Clooney, said when he heard of the pending divorce,

"I didn’t know that. Wow."

Jennifer Anniston certainly knew it was coming. Brad likes to practice lines late at night with his leading ladies. Apparently they do lines, but not from the script. I guess Mrs. Smith finally got her comeuppance. They issued a "what's best for the kids" statement after Brad did what was best for little Brad.

Amal and George Discussing
Syrian Refugees at
an AARP Convention

Clooney was at the UN with his barrister wife, Amal, when he got the news. She's 17 years his junior. The press said it was so cute that he held her hand all day at a UN round table with CEOs and President Obama. Truth is Clooney figures he's next, and he was more like hanging on for dear life. Being an international human rights lawyer, Amal will likely take Clooney for everything but his cemetery plot when she divorces him.

I think it's a tad hypocritical when a cheating celebrity spouse releases through a publicist that they are concerned for their family, or that they intend to co-parent, or they still mutually respect each other. It's a good thing Hollywood is so liberal. I think Angela Jolie would have shot Brad in the pit if she had a gun.

The Most Interesting Man
in the World, Kevin Bacon

Now, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick are on year 31 of their marriage. Kevin hasn't stopped his upwards trajectory since Footloose. He proves the secret to a happy, fulfilling marriage is being a good dancer because that’s all women really want. The rest of us men who will eventually need the services of a divorce lawyer, dance only because women like it. We do that pathetic shuffle, devoid of any actual dance moves, which looks more like an epileptic seizure than moving to the music. Kevin Bacon doesn't dance just for his wife. He needs to dance. He dances with himself in abandoned factories, and he's way cool while he does it.

Johnny "Digit" Depp

If Johnny Depp took a few dance lessons from Kevin Bacon, he wouldn't be in the mess he's in right now with Amber Heard. Depp is 23 years older than Heard which means when he was her age, Amber was skipping to school with a lunch box. Initially, the two parted amicably in 2017 after they got busted for smuggling dogs into Australia. Amber took the wrap for the couple by admitting to falsifying quarantine documents for the pair's two toy pooches. Back in 2009, Amber got into a fight with her then girlfriend, Tasya van Ree, at the Seattle Tacoma Airport. She was arrested and booked on a domestic violence charge after allegedly grabbing and smacking her girlfriend in the arm. In December of 2018, Amber wrote an article for the Washington Post chronicling the abuse she endured in relationships over the years.

Depp claims in a lawsuit that when they were married, Amber took a shit in their bed in retaliation for being late to her thirtieth birthday bash. Amber blamed it on the dogs although Depp submitted through his lawyer that the size of the turd made that impossible. Depp also stated that Amber beaned him with a glass bottle, cutting his finger. Apparently, Depp accused his wife of playing hide the sling blade with Billy Bob Thornton who she filmed a movie with so he lopped off the tip of his finger then scrawled in blood on a mirror "Starring Billy Bob" and "Easy Amber."

I tend to embrace Amber's version of the whole thing because Depp has just too many tattoos for me to believe him. I know that's not right of me to tat shame, but my generation associates body ink with drug use. I'll likely change my mind if it turns out that Amber did, in fact, dump a deuce in their bed. 

Catherine and Michael
Returning from a Couples Colonoscopy

Michael Douglas is two and a half decades older than his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones. She looked like she was going to jump ship when she went through some mental health issues. It all started when Michael in an interview indicated that the decades of chain smoking was not the cause of his throat cancer. He said,

"Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus."

That's pretty specific for me, Mike. He must have been busy as a beaver if he got throat cancer from that.

Leatherman Spokesperson,
Larry King

Larry King is a generation older than his eighth wife, Shawn Southwick who looks like a foot taller than him. They've been married for 22 years. It's rumored that she cheated on her 85 year old husband. If he divorces her, there's still time for nine and ten. At his age, he's pretty dependent on his wife. I read she ties his shoes for him. I would have to double down on some Viagra if my wife tied my shoes for me.

Most Hollywood power couples end up fizzling out like a cheap candle. They got money, power and fame, but they can't make it work. What's missing?

Oh yeah. Love.

Editor's Note: Larry King blindsided his wife with divorce papers on August 20th, and Angela Jolie, who filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, is still pissed at him three years later. Originally posted on October 11, 2016.