Scandalous College Admissions?

Last week Californian insurance executive, Toby MacFarlane, pleaded guilty to ponying up $450,000 to fraudulently get his son and daughter admitted to his alma mater, the University of Southern California. MacFarlane was charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and something which is apparently illegal called "honest service mail fraud." The latter is a federal crime which involves a scheme to defraud others of opportunities. So when MacFarlane agreed to falsely represent his daughter as a soccer star and his son as a basketball recruit, he was robbing another more deserving athlete of a chance at USC.

It didn't matter that his daughter never actually played soccer and was not a "US Club Soccer All American" in high school as her online profile boasted. She made the team anyway. When advised to clear her Friday schedule in order to travel to games, her father consulted with Rick Singer, the college advisor and mastermind behind the scandal. Singer, who pleaded to four felonies, told her to say she was injured and couldn't play for some time. She graduated in 2018 after never playing a single game.

MacFarlane's son's athletic profile listed him as 6' 1" and having played varsity in high school. The dude is 5' 5" and probably doesn't own a basketball. After the school conditionally accepted his son, MacFarlane stroked a check for $50,000 to USC Athletics. A month later the school formally accepted the diminutive basketball player. A year later he withdrew from the university. Along with not getting an actual degree, he never played basketball either.

A judge is recommending that MacFarlane serve 15 months in prison, but having to buoy up his unscrupulous protégés for the rest of his life is punishment enough. My guess is that after shoveling out thousands of dollars, MacFarlane's daughter graduated with a degree in Psychology and now works the floor at TJ Max. His son likely washed out of Communications and is currently working on promoting his mixtape. I thought insurance executives were supposed to be well versed in risk analysis.

It was big news in March when celebrities, Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman, were swept up in the Justice Department's investigation of bribery in college admissions. To date 20 parents and university officials have pled guilty with at least 30 more defendants waiting their turn to explain why they gave thousands of dollars to a real estate holding company. The mainstream media is covering the Justice Department's investigation, the scope of which doesn't include this one obvious fact.

This has been going on since Jesus had a paper route.

Let's face it, the Hollywood elite have been sliding into the front door of ivy league schools for decades. Jodie Foster graduated from Yale with a degree in English Literature as did Anderson Cooper in Political Science. Natalie Portman majored in Psychology at Harvard while Emma Watson took five years to earn an English degree from Brown. At Harvard, Tommy Lee Jones, another English major, roomed with Al Gore, who also went to Vanderbilt. The real inconvenient truth is that Gore lost his presidential bid to Yale alumnus, George Bush, who also earned an MBA from Harvard. President Trump went to Wharton where he graduated with a bachelors degree in Economics. Some news outlets are questioning Trump's son-in-law's appointment to Harvard. Jared Kushner's father, Charles Kushner, a New Jersey real estate developer, donated $2.5 million to the school a year before his son was accepted. James Franco took a 62 credit semester while at UCLA as an English major and is currently enrolled as a PhD student at Yale. He also has a Masters in Fine Arts from Columbia.

All these really famous smart people didn't get to elevated places on their own cylinders, but not all were so privileged. Tommy Lee Jones went on a needs based scholarship, and I'll bet Jody Foster and Emma Watson did their own work. I'm sure their was quite a bit of green skid greasing, though, to get some of these dimwits into the most exclusive educational institution in the country. It's well documented that the first George Bush, a Yale grad himself along with his dad, Prescott Bush, got his son into Yale where he was a member of the notoriously booze flowing fraternity Delta Kappa Epsilon. The military academies are no exception either. The late John McCain graduated fifth from the bottom of the Naval Academy in 1958. No doubt his acceptance into the prestigious military school was influenced by his father and grandfather, both admirals and academy grads themselves.

One could argue that greatness runs in veins and the apple falls where it lays, but I don't necessarily agree. Wealth and celebrity has always helped the less deserving get ahead of the rest of us. After the well connected are accepted into these elite institutions, they're allowed to stay even as they profoundly underachieve. Perhaps after the Justice Department's investigation we might return to a system which evaluates candidates meritoriously rather than genealogically.

How I Learned About the Facts of Life

Frogs Grinding 

“I know the girl has the egg, but what does the boy have?” asked our eight year old, William.

There are some rights of passage of parenthood like the loss of teeth, the scared nights when lightning etches across the sky, the first ride on the bus to grade school. These and others, you plow through headlong without a manual. In and amongst this list is the revelation of "the facts of life" as we used to call it. Having been through this before with our oldest, Aidan, I was a seasoned pro at explaining the fine art of shagging.

Aidan was easier because he got to experience the birthing process firsthand. His questions surfaced shortly after we told him that he was going to be a big brother. My wife, Christine, and I explained that the baby grows in the "womb," and not in "mommy's tummy." I was always confused as to how a baby could survive in a vat of partially chewed food. I thought a miscarriage was when a women inadvertently shat out her baby. William was now positioned for my speech regarding the dual function of the penis. He knew he urinated from that thing, but he was always curious why he sometimes awoke to an unwieldy appendage that made his morning wiz temporarily unmanageable.

I had two older sisters who told me everything by kindergarten. Along with bursting my bubble about Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, assuring me that disbelief had no bearing on the windfall from each of the associated holidays, they also told me all about where babies came from. The details were sketchy, but I had locked down the basics about the swish and flick of the wand in the chamber of secrets. No one ever told me about thrusting, though, so when I finally found out that's what you did while grinding the mortar and pestle, I thought it was kind of odd. I surmised a good rogering added up to the two of you just staying motionless while engaged in polite conversation. That seemed to make sense to my six year old mind; after all, frogs didn't move much when they bumped uglies.

For many years I thought "the facts of life" were other things I needed to learn apart from hiding the bishop. When my sister finally told me the facts about the facts of life, I was disappointed. I thought it was something new and exciting, an enigma on par with the thermostat in the hallway which I was forbidden to ever touch.

"That's it?" I said.

By first grade prodding the longshoreman with a bull rake was old news. Everyone was in on that. Years later, when I was 13, my mother handed me a book, entitled "a doctor talks to 5-to-8-year-olds. 

The Lowercase Frog
Bumping Book

It was full of pictures of frogs pushing their friends to the hospital and eggs being chased down by a maniacal horde of sperm. There was a whole section on tadpoles. I got the book a year after my sister because back then everyone believed that "girls matured faster than boys." It didn't matter that the book was written for seven year olds, I got it at a time long after my friend and I stumbled upon his father's stash of fuck magazines. Sad as it is, I learned about the finer details of the forbidden polka from Jugs.

We know today that girls are more compliant than boys which makes them seem more mature, but in reality, boys are just more likely to look out the window and wonder aloud if they'd get hurt if they jumped from that tree limb while girls are equally likely to comment on their teacher's makeup. Boys are three times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with ADHD, an affliction for which the only biomarker is balls.

Eventually, my mother asked me,

"Did you read that book I gave you?"

Playing up my external mortification, I answered,

"Yeah, but I didn't get most of it. Can you explain it in your own words?"

My mother was a leading lady right out of a Roger and Hammerstein musical, one part artist and two parts dingbat. She was shocked when one of her friends announced that she and her husband still slept in the same bed. Confiding on the phone to another friend, my mother announced,

"There comes a time in every married couples life when they sleep apart."

She was fifty.

Being a consummate dick even at 13, I prodded my mother to explain how to play Mr. Wobbly hides his helmet.

"Well, what parts didn't you understand?" she deflected.

"Just one thing," I offered.

"What might that be?"

"How'd you carry all those eggs on your back for nine months?"

She looked perplexed as if their was just too much ground to cover so she said,

"Ask your father."

Now, it was my turn to impart the ultimate life's lesson on our youngest son, completing yet another milestone in my journey as a parent. I didn't want our kids to learn about procreation through smutty magazines, from their knuckhead friends or by pictures of reptiles boffing. Mind you, we're not the kind of parents who pull up a stool to the gurney so their firstborn can snip the umbilical cord to their younger sibling. We also don't have, nor want to watch, a birthing video. It may sound intriguing to get to spy your buddy's wife's bits and pieces, but by the time they queue up the crowning, you'll be wishing for a C-section.

We always saw ourselves as parents that were upfront with their children even though we let them believe in kid things like Santa and the Easter Bunny long after they knew they were untrue. I never felt a need to grow up too fast. So to, euphemisms like "sleeping with somebody," or "making love" always seemed a bit docile to me as if the act was merely pleasant. When Aidan was Willy's age he asked,

"Why do people have sex?"

"Because it's how you make babies, " I answered, then after thinking about it, I added, 'It's really a lot of fun too."

After Willy absorbed my lecture on the duel purpose of the male organ, he said, "My friend, Keith, has two dads. Where did they get an egg from?"

"Some nice lady let them use one of hers," I answered.

He was quick to note that meant Keith wasn't related to one of his dads and that he probably didn't know his mom either. He explained,

"Only one dad is his real dad."

I never liked the term "having children" because it always seemed like an inadequately description of the journey one is on when bringing up a child. You have things, most of which will amount to very little. Kids are all together unlike anything else in life. I told William that many adopted children never know their mom or dad either. Then I explained,

"The people that raised you, they are your real parents."

My Money's on Bieber

Justin "The Hammer" Bieber

Recently, Justin Bieber decided to take a break from music and chill out while enjoying being a husband to a fashion model. You'd think he'd do some hiking and fishing in his native Canada. You know, reconnect with nature while becoming more centered so he'll have better aim when pissing in a restaurant mop bucket.

All this heavy thinking and soul searching brought the Bieber to the conclusion that his next big move should be to beat up an actor 12 years older than his father. For some unknown reason, Justin Bieber decided that he should fight Tom Cruise, a 5' 7" twice divorced, 56 year old thespian. Cruise does perform most of his own stunts in his movies, but I think Bieber believes he's really Ethan Hunt. After training for over a year, Bieber wants to battle Tom Cruise in a MMA style fight inside an octagon. Bieber's dad, Jeremy, is a pretty tough, tattooed dude. He might be training the Bieber for his upcoming bout with Cruise, who should be ready once his doctors clear him from his latest colonoscopy. On Sunday, Bieber tweeted,

"I wanna challenge Tom Cruise to fight in the octagon. Tom if you don't take this flight your (sic) scared and you will never live it down."

The only thing Cruise would never live down if he took this fight is a loss to a wafer who pens lyrics like,

I'm bigger
And all the haters
I swear they look so small from up here
'Cause we're bigger,
And love's bigger,
I'm bigger and you're bigger

Tom "The Controller" Cruise

I guess he thought he was bigger because initially Bieber wanted to take on MMA fighter, Connor McGregor, which was a really, really bad idea. A glancing blow from McGregor would have permanently returned Bieber to his formative years. After running down the short list of people to pummel, Bieber's crack public relations team chose Tom Cruise after rejecting Jimmy Carter, Howard Stern and Larry King.

Cruise is no slouch. He's an OT VIII in the Church of Scientology, which is an "Operating Thetan Level 8." This level "brings about a resurgence of power and native abilities..." so look out Justin Bieber. You don't know who you're messing with in the form of Tom Cruise. Bieber thinks that all those tattoos makes him a thug, but he's wrong. You need more than ink to stand tall in a fight. You have to be able to take a hit as well as deliver one. Cruise married some pretty tall gals so I know he absorbed a good beating now and again.

My money is on Bieber because the way I see it, Cruise will come out swinging and knock the milk and spaghetti out of Bieber who will collapse into the fetal position and start crying. Cruise, being a father, would come to his senses and then feel terrible. After helping Justin to his feet and wiping the tears from his face, Bieber will upper cut Tom in the castanets who will fall to the floor like Harry Styles when he took one for Scotland during Take Me Home Tour in Glasgow. Bieber would then hop around the ring with his arms raised in victory as Tom assumed the Non-operating Thetan position.

This is a real life Mission Impossible for Cruise and is definitely not Bieber's Baby as neither has anything to prove and both lose even if they win. If Tom decks Bieber, people will ask why an older guy is beating up on a kid. If Bieber flattens Cruise, people will ask why a younger dude is pummeling an old guy. Either way, I will certainly pay to watch.

Hollywood Power Couples Got It All

Hollywood power couples are celebrated at award shows for looking stunning on the red carpet. There are countless articles written about what wonderful parents they are, how they keep their relationships fresh, their latest vacations, their cool houses, and endless musings concerning their philosophies on child rearing.

Exceedingly White Gwen Stefani

Everything is great, being them. They look good, they got plenty of money, they're important, they wear trendy sunglasses, people want to hear what they have to say, they adopt kids from war torn poverty stricken countries, they get to do it in the Lincoln bedroom, and the paparazzi follow their every move. It's great being them up until the point that they announce on Twitter that they're getting a divorce.

A-maizing Blake Shelton

There's been a rash of Hollywood power couples consciously uncoupling lately. They announce that after X years of marriage they have mutually decided to raise their children as single parents, but they still care about each other, and move forward with respect and affection. Then they ask for privacy for the sake of the children "during this difficult time." A few days later, TMZ reports that the guy screwed the babysitter.

Gavin Munster

I was happy for Gwen Stefani when she hooked up with corn fed Blake Shelton. Gavin Rossdale always looked like an adult version of Eddy Munster to me. Blake is the salt of the earth kind of guy. I'm not sure why Blake and his wife divorced, but since there were no kids, it probably had to do with "difficult schedules." Either way, it's nice to see Gwen with Blake even though it greatly increases her chances of being involved in a gun accident.

Facially Challenged
Marc Anthony

I think Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were a physical mismatch. In an interview JLo said in regards to the attractiveness of her exs,

"I'm not a looks person. I don't know if you noticed over the years."

Even Marc Anthony's father told him he was ugly. If they keep it up Marc is going to climb under a rock and sing Spanish songs to himself. JLo has bucked her butt ugly trend with baseballer, Alex Rodrigues, who was considered one of the game's all time best players before he tested positive for enough Five Hour Energy for Dick Cheney to place in the Boston Marathon. Let's face it. We all know that Marc Anthony was a rebound from Ben Affleck.

TV Actress Jennifer Garner

Now, Jennifer Garner is an actress that one can guarantee if she's on the project, the movie will gross less than a Dairy Queen in winter. I think the big fight in the Affleck household was who was the worse actor. Ben was certain it was Jen in The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Jen would say just one word,

"Gigli."

Then the babysitter struck again ruining another Hollywood marriage.

Angelina Jolie probably made sure the childcare specialist was pretty dumpy so her husband, Brad Pitt, wouldn't hit it. That's what Maria Shiver did, but it didn't work. Pitt is being smeared by Jolie's public relations team with all these reports of Russian prostitutes and drug use. I always imagined he was a nice guy. They make it sound like a few lines of coke and two beers, and Pitt would do up a bullet hole.

Brangelina at the Premier
of their Divorce

His friend, George Clooney, said when he heard of the pending divorce,

"I didn’t know that. Wow."

Jennifer Anniston certainly knew it was coming. Brad likes to practice lines late at night with his leading ladies. Apparently they do lines, but not from the script. I guess Mrs. Smith finally got her comeuppance. They issued a "what's best for the kids" statement after Brad did what was best for little Brad.

Amal and George Discussing
Syrian Refugees at
an AARP Convention

Clooney was at the UN with his barrister wife, Amal, when he got the news. She's 17 years his junior. The press said it was so cute that he held her hand all day at a UN round table with CEOs and President Obama. Truth is Clooney figures he's next, and he was more like hanging on for dear life. Being an international human rights lawyer, Amal will likely take Clooney for everything but his cemetery plot when she divorces him.

I think it's a tad hypocritical when a cheating celebrity spouse releases through a publicist that they are concerned for their family, or that they intend to co-parent, or they still mutually respect each other. It's a good thing Hollywood is so liberal. I think Angela Jolie would have shot Brad in the pit if she had a gun.

The Most Interesting Man
in the World, Kevin Bacon

Now, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick are on year 31 of their marriage. Kevin hasn't stopped his upwards trajectory since Footloose. He proves the secret to a happy, fulfilling marriage is being a good dancer because that’s all women really want. The rest of us men who will eventually need the services of a divorce lawyer, dance only because women like it. We do that pathetic shuffle, devoid of any actual dance moves, which looks more like an epileptic seizure than moving to the music. Kevin Bacon doesn't dance just for his wife. He needs to dance. He dances with himself in abandoned factories, and he's way cool while he does it.

Johnny "Digit" Depp

If Johnny Depp took a few dance lessons from Kevin Bacon, he wouldn't be in the mess he's in right now with Amber Heard. Depp is 23 years older than Heard which means when he was her age, Amber was skipping to school with a lunch box. Initially, the two parted amicably in 2017 after they got busted for smuggling dogs into Australia. Amber took the wrap for the couple by admitting to falsifying quarantine documents for the pair's two toy pooches. Back in 2009, Amber got into a fight with her then girlfriend, Tasya van Ree, at the Seattle Tacoma Airport. She was arrested and booked on a domestic violence charge after allegedly grabbing and smacking her girlfriend in the arm. In December of 2018, Amber wrote an article for the Washington Post chronicling the abuse she endured in relationships over the years.

Depp claims in a lawsuit that when they were married, Amber took a shit in their bed in retaliation for being late to her thirtieth birthday bash. Amber blamed it on the dogs although Depp submitted through his lawyer that the size of the turd made that impossible. Depp also stated that Amber beaned him with a glass bottle, cutting his finger. Apparently, Depp accused his wife of playing hide the sling blade with Billy Bob Thornton who she filmed a movie with so he lopped off the tip of his finger then scrawled in blood on a mirror "Starring Billy Bob" and "Easy Amber."

I tend to embrace Amber's version of the whole thing because Depp has just too many tattoos for me to believe him. I know that's not right of me to tat shame, but my generation associates body ink with drug use. I'll likely change my mind if it turns out that Amber did, in fact, dump a deuce in their bed. 

Catherine and Michael
Returning from a Couples Colonoscopy

Michael Douglas is two and a half decades older than his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones. She looked like she was going to jump ship when she went through some mental health issues. It all started when Michael in an interview indicated that the decades of chain smoking was not the cause of his throat cancer. He said,

"Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus."

That's pretty specific for me, Mike. He must have been busy as a beaver if he got throat cancer from that.

Leatherman Spokesperson,
Larry King

Larry King is a generation older than his eighth wife, Shawn Southwick who looks like a foot taller than him. They've been married for 22 years. It's rumored that she cheated on her 85 year old husband. If he divorces her, there's still time for nine and ten. At his age, he's pretty dependent on his wife. I read she ties his shoes for him. I would have to double down on some Viagra if my wife tied my shoes for me.

Most Hollywood power couples end up fizzling out like a cheap candle. They got money, power and fame, but they can't make it work. What's missing?

Oh yeah. Love.

Editor's Note: Larry King blindsided his wife with divorce papers on August 20th, and Angela Jolie, who filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, is still pissed at him three years later. Originally posted on October 11, 2016.