Are You Sexy?

Recently, I was in the waiting room in my dentist's office with my wife, Christine, while our youngest was in for a cleaning. As I perused the magazines on the table next to a display about gingivitis, I honed in on a woman's fitness periodical which sported a cover with a smart looking, smiling, thirty something woman, power walking in yoga pants while swinging weights in each hand. The long list of articles were primarily for women as in Get Slim & Feel Strong, or 20 Best-Ever Haircuts, and Should You Steam Your Vagina?

Initially, the latter captured my attention, but as it took ten minutes to find the table of contents, which didn't help anyway because of the blocks of unnumbered pages dedicated to advertisements. I gave up on trying to find the article when I came across a quiz entitled, Are You Sexy? Even though the survey was written for women, I decided to take the test anyway because, theoretically, it shouldn't matter because we're the same or something. The first question asked,

What is the average amount of time you spend engaged in a kiss?

I never really timed it, but I surmised probably a second or two. I looked up the answer which indicated that the longer you spend in a smooch, the sexier you are. They recommended nothing shorter than ten seconds. Armed with this information, I leaned over to my wife, bent on kissing her for the requisite amount of time. Midway though our sexy extended kiss, she said with her lips still locked on mine,

"What are you doing?"

"A sexy kiss," I answered.

"This is sexy?”

"It says right here that long kisses are sexy."

"Oh. I thought you had a stroke or something."

That went so well, I dove back into the survey.

Do you experiment in the bedroom?

I definitely do this one. I'm into the scientific method. Once my son and I built a volcano for a middle school science fair. I checked the answer key. More points for me! Eager to be even more sexy, I forged ahead,

Have you ever taken part in a ménage à trois?

I had to look this one up because even though I took twelve years of French in Catholic school, I really can't actually speak the language unless some French person was in need of someone to conjugate the verb "to go." The literal translation of ménage à trois is "household for three." I was disappointed when I looked up the answer. Apparently they were asking if I ever had sex with two people at once which made no sense to me since last I checked I have only one penis. Moving on,

Have you ever filmed yourself and your partner?

Yes! I filmed us at the beach, on vacation, during family gatherings. For some reason, I got a lot of points for video recording my wife and me. They hinted that a video while on an airplane is very sexy. They said that it's proof that we're in what I think is a recreational pot smoking group called, the Mild High Club.

What is your favorite go to screwvenir?

This was a hard one. I had to Google what a "screwvenir" is which is "anything that you keep (whether stolen or given to you) from someone's house after you've slept with them." The answer key gave points for shirts and underwear and deducted points for body parts. I got nothing since I don't have any screwvenirs, but I did keep the cork from first bottle of wine Christine and I had together.

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Big points for this one. Having two kids years apart proves that I had sex with a woman at least twice, but I can tell you for sure, it was more than that. Way more. Like twice that.

How many different positions have you tried?

I worked for a few tech companies. All in all, I answered "at least five," which got me some points. Apparently, if I worked for more companies I would've been more sexy. Moving ahead,

How many partners have you had?

I didn't do so well here. I've never worked for a law firm so I've never had partners. The next question was likely a Hipaa Violation.

How often do you engage in anal penetration?

I answered once every five years unless they find something. I didn't get any points as that was too infrequent. Moving on,

Who is your celebrity crush?

A celebrity crush is the person who if you slept with your spouse would give you a pass. It was important for me to pick someone Christine would like otherwise a pass would never be forthcoming. Christine is sure that she and Jennifer Lawrence would be best friends. She's really not my type and a bit too young for me. I decided to play it safe and put down "Betty White." She's 99, but I’ll bet she's dynamite in the sack.

Tallying up my score, I got a 27 out of 100 which according to the key means I'm "not very sexy." Furthermore, my score came with the advice that I "should consider spicing things up more." They also advised that "I should perhaps venture outside of my comfort zone." I don't get it. Holding my breadth every time I kiss my wife while constantly coming up with new experiments all while convincing my doctor that I need yet another colonoscopy certainly places me well outside my comfort zone.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on August 21, 2018.