Will Your Dog Defend You?

Recently, I watched a video which asked this very question. Security footage showed man's best friend cowering from burglars so Inside Edition decided to test dogs by faking a home invasion to see if Dinkles will come to the rescue. I watched with great interest as dog owners all claimed that their beloved fur baby will tear the throat out of an intruder.

There is no doubt that Americans love dogs. Many refer to them as "members of the family." In 2008, the White House webpage contained a petition requiring a "federal investigation of all dog bites in America" because "family members are being torn from their homes and euthanized by police." There were over 100,000 signatures on the document which downplayed the fact that the family members were dogs that bit humans.

A friend of mine was sure his two Dobermans would defend him ferociously if he was attacked.

"Bo and Wilson will shred your ass if you come anywhere near anyone in my family," my friend assured me.

After watching the video, I noted that like my friend, dog owners let their pooches lick their faces including their mouths even though dogs have no thumbs so they don't use toilet paper to wipe their butts after they pinch. Instead, they lick their junk. I would too, I guess, if I could, but having thumbs means I would certainly brush my teeth afterwards. The video showed that most dogs will flee to save themselves rather than defend their owners. My favorite was "Ruby," the four year old lab/pitbull mix referred to by his owner, Kevin, as a "princess." Not only did Ruby not attack the intruder, but she urinated all over the floor. After the criminal finishes his beat down of Kev's face, Kevin gets to clean up after Ruby's piddle.

The last was a mutt named Frodo and a Chihuahua called Doby. The narrator refers to the dogs as "fearless" as they display "the classic guard dog technique" of getting in between the attacker and their owner, but in reality, neither dog bit the intruder. In fact, they looked like they were trying to play with wagging tails and jumps onto the couch.

Another video showed two Burmese mountain dogs, Sam and Mojo, barking menacingly, but the dogs were no threat. They were more likely hungry or just wanted to take a shit in the yard. This video shows an owner faking a heart attack to see how his service pet would respond. It looks like Dinkles started servicing his dead owner's head. This dude puts on a really good show, feigning medical distress. His loyal husky seems like he couldn’t give a shit about his owner's respiratory emergency. At least he didn't try to skull hump him after he dies.

Based on the evidence it is highly unlikely that my friend’s Dobermans would defend family members attacked by an intruder. Wilson is the older dog who is going to pack it in soon. He naps a lot. I think Wilson is deaf. Bo, the dog on deck is a really dumb. It once ran into a parked car.

Dogs need to be trained to defend their owners which can be very costly. Dog owners need to face the fact that their pooch's lack of concern for their wellbeing is just a survival instinct, or possibly payback for hacking off their gonads. It's just like a dog owner to impart unrealistic favorable behavior on their pets which they surgically modify so they more readily fit in a human world. These are people who put dogs in crates and then try to convince you that "he likes it."

The natural world is all about individual success which is why giraffes casually drink from a water source as a nearby cackle of hyenas take out a baby impala. If I hadn't any thumbs and someone force castrated me, I wouldn't defend them from an attack either. In fact, I'm surprised dogs don't join in and bite their owner's balls off.

Nature is wondrously cruel.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 22, 2018.