Longest Living Spider Murdered by Rogue Wasp

Australian scientists are disheartened by the loss of an arachnid observed for 43 years who was stung to death by a parasitic wasp. The female trapdoor spider, Gaius Villosaus, affectionately known as "Number 16," was brutally attacked by a tarantula hawk wasp. Apparently the wasps sting the spiders causing paralysis after which they drag their prey into a borrow where a single egg is laid. As you might expect, it doesn't go well for the spiders from here. I read that scientists are besides themselves over the death of Number 16 describing their demeanor as "miserable." One said,

"We've been studying Number 16 since 1974, and everything seemed pretty chill until it crossed paths with that fucking wasp."

Curtin University in Western Australia where the research was being conducted released a statement stating,

"Through... detailed research we were able to determine that the extensive life span of the trapdoor spider is due to their life-history traits, including how they live in uncleared, native bushland, their sedentary nature and low metabolisms."

Number 16 also benefited from the colossal fortune of never being stepped on, swatted or sprayed with Orkin products. Most of its life was spent hunkered down inside its borrow which led researchers to wonder what female trapdoor spiders do for fun. One scientist mused,

"I suspect they spend a lot of time alone with their thoughts thinking about perhaps digging a bigger borrow or dreaming up a better trapdoor."

Apparently, the males have it much better, cruising around from flower to flower looking for a mate while trying to not get eaten. Some researchers are so traumatized by Number 16's death that they lobbied the Australian Government to bring back DDT to treat known wasp habitats in retaliation. One lamented,

"Nature can be not so nice."

What puzzles me is how the scientists knew that Number 16 was the same spider since after all most spiders look a lot alike. It's not as if they put a tag on the its ear. Perhaps Number 16 was quietly replaced by an imposter years ago during an unobserved period when another opportunistic trapdoor spider decided to bump off Ole Num 16 and take its burrow. After all, Number 16 wasn't observed Truman style. If the spider did survive for 43 years in the wild, it was unquestionably lucky since it outlived the careers of most Hollywood actors.

The true lesson in longevity the trapdoor spider taught us is to live in a hole in the ground, be sedentary and try not to aspire to anything that will insert you into the food chain. Just think of all the children Number 16 had over her long life, many of which were likely not her choice. A trapdoor spiders life is a tough life, but I'm sure she's in heaven where she was likely squashed in the first ten minutes by Verne Troyer while saying,

"Who let this shit in here?"

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 8, 2018.