A Disturbing Trend in Men's Health

With all that's going in the world, the pandemic, riots, drugs and trillions in national debt, no one is talking about a trend in men’s health which I have been following for some time. It's bad enough that we have young men engaging in activities like parkour and recreational drug use, this threat to men's health is a far bigger problem.

It's all over YouTube. I just watched a video whereby two dudes exchanged swift kicks to each other's testicles. The activity came to an abrupt close when one guy landed a direct hit. Another video showed a guy positioning himself, spread eagle, near a ramp as his friend rolled a truck tire down a hill striking his buddy in the balls. Just before launch the target guy says,

"This is the most intense thing I've ever done."

The tire, impacting his nut sack, sounded like Madonna being hit in the face with a salmon. Afterwards the young man over celebrates like Dude Perfect after a successful upper bleacher stadium shot. I also saw a video of a guy lighting fireworks from his butt. If an alien race is conducting an ongoing study of mankind, and they observe us using our ass cracks to launch ordnance, they might come to the conclusion that the Earth is not worth saving and recommend strip mining the entire planet.


Evel "Bones" Knievel 

Sure, my generation did stupid things in our youth, but we never did anything that deliberately threatened our junk. My friends and I built ramps which we jumped our bikes over, mimicking Evel Knievel, who often mused that his left pinky finger was the only bone in his body he hadn't yet broken. Usually we quit for the day when one of us face planted. We used to call it "bobbing for asphalt."

I got news for young men. Your balls are kind of important. Just ask Lance Armstrong. He lost a gonad to the big C. This all happened before he downed enough 5-Hour Energy for Chris Christie to place on American Ninja Warrior. So you can't blame it on performance enhancing drugs. You got to keep your boys in good working order. Deliberately kicking, dropping heavy objects on, or lighting fires in close proximity to your knackers is not a good idea. I've seen many skateboarders grind their stones on a handrail. Whatever they were trying to pull off was certainly not worth foregoing the joys of fatherhood.

Dave "Un Huevo" England

The pro snowboarder, Dave England of Jackass fame, donated a nad to medical science after a particularly gnarly wipeout. A lot of painful dude bro behavior mimics that of the cast of Jackass who routinely injure each other for on screen laughs. I never realized that natural selection was so funny. These guys have their priorities askew. Instead of risking their castanets on nonsensical stunts, they should be using their equipment according to the manufacture's recommendations. Skateboarders have come up with names for common accidents like getting the board rammed up your ass during a trick is called a "credit card." Crashing such that your legs bend backwards and your feet strike your head is a "scorpion." Grinding your acorns on a rail is called "getting sacked."

I'm not a medical professional, but I'll bet if you pop an apricot, the remaining one doesn't go into overdrive. This means your shot is going to be half the volume. Since there is a correlation with ejaculation and lowering your chances of prostate cancer, men ought to keep their equipment functioning for as long as possible on the highest possible setting. I'm not sure exactly what the medical studies actually say in regards to prostrate health, but I'm going to go with the benefits of more sex because it involves, well, more sex.

Maybe there is an evolutionary component to all this cultural cajone kicking. When the population gets too high and there isn't enough disease to go around, (although recently that doesn't seem to be a problem), nature self corrects by causing perfectly healthy men to sterilize themselves. It's sort of like lemmings hurdling off cliffs when their population surges even though that doesn't actually happen. What I simply cannot figure out is why young men are doing this?

You go through life with one body which must carry your head to the end. Smoking and drugs destroy the vehicle in imperceptible ways so the impact isn't felt until you are much older, long after you realize you're mortal. Death always appears far off to young people so they do stupid things like jumping from high places and kicking each other in the plums.

I think we should band together and contact our local legislators to tell them we want men's health to be a priority. I'm going to spearhead raising awareness for this important cause right after I reinvest my retirement savings in the Clapper, the Flowbee and the Ronco Pocket Fisherman.

Editor's Note: Based on a post originally published on February 6, 2018.