Eclipse Underwelms Americans

The last total solar eclipse visible in North America occurred in the summer of 2017. It had been 40 years since the celestial event was last seen in the United States and won't return again until 2024. Eleven states resided in the path of totality resulting in a boon in eclipse tourism as Americans in droves flocked to the next big thing. Unfortunately, many of them didn't read the fine print. Most once in a lifetime celestial events are nothing more than two heavenly bodies appearing close to each other in the night sky.

When I was a kid, I went outside to witness the conjunction of Mars and Venus which in technical terms means that the two planets were right next to each other in the sky. The "Mars-Venus Encounter" as it was deemed was heralded as a once in lifetime cosmic event in the newspapers even though I later learned that it happens all the time. Apart from the fact that this transpired early in the morning in the middle of winter, the two planets did look awesome in the clear, crisp, cold night sky even though in reality they were nowhere near each other. They just looked like they were in close proximity from earth. The two planets looked something like this ( : ). Back then, I learned that in the world of astronomy, two celestial bodies getting really close together in the sky creates a bit of a stir. Now, years later, the moon and the sun were going to occupy the same space overhead. This happened a few times in my childhood when misinformation spread as fact more slowly as compared to today. In those days, we were told that looking at the sun during a solar eclipse would kill us.

From our location on that Monday in August of 2017, we saw the moon cover 66.9% of the sun. That was plenty for me. Millions of people trekked to places like the western Kentucky town of Hopinsville, which boasted one of the longest total eclipse experiences. Two minutes and 41 seconds. The town bills itself as "a wealth of adventure, history and mystery" being "the home to the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse," that is, "the point of Greatest Eclipse." States like Kentucky that advertise summer swimming in ponds always conjure up the image of open wounds from freshwater, flesh-eating bacteria for me. You jump into some green, lukewarm water and cut your foot on a broken bottle of Piels, then the next thing you know, you're in the emergency room, puking up your pancreas as some nurse person, in oddly mismatched floral patterns, tells you that they have to amputate your leg below the knee before it spreads to your nuts.
 

When the eclipse was over, I felt bad for the people who travelled great distances just to see the brief astronomical event. Mitch "Del" Flint drove four hundred miles to Carbondale, Illinois, advertised as the "Eclipse Crossroads of America." Mr. Flint said,
 

"That's it? I went to my truck for a beer and when I got back, it was over. What a rip off!"
 

Kent Rolla from Palmdale, California hitchhiked to Corvallis, Oregon to view the eclipse. Mr. Rolla, who took time off his barista job said,
 

"I slept on my friend Stewie's couch for three days just to see the eclipse, and it was over in like a few minutes. I rolled a special fatty just for the occasion. By the time I found, it was over. Next time I'm gonna go to Burning Man."
 

Some encountered bad weather prior to totality while still others were disappointed for other reasons. Kevin Raulston traveled with friends to Saluki Stadium on the campus of Southern Illinois University for the "Super Bowl of Eclipses." Describing the experience, Raulston said,
 

"Quite frankly, I was expecting more. Halfway through I realized that this was just another solar eclipse. I thought we were going to the apocalypse. Boy was I disappointed!"

The eclipse wounded flooded emergency rooms across the country. Steve Faber of De Witt, Nebraska was texting his friend about the progress of the eclipse while wearing protective glasses as he drove his 2007 Chevy Equinox down Highway 80. The resulting four car pile up snarled traffic for hours. Clara DeClare of Kimmswick, Missouri was walking while wearing eclipse glasses as she observed the celestial event during her lunch break. DeClare tripped on a curb, breaking her ankle. Peter Miller of Delano, Tennessee strained his neck as he attempted to take a selfie with the eclipse.

In 1986, I was fresh out of college and found myself getting up early one morning to witness the reappearance of the most famous heavenly body, Halley's Comet. The newspapers of the day heralded the apparition as a once in a lifetime event. With a period of about 75 years, only a lucky few would see Halley's Comet twice in a lifetime. I was geared up for a fiery, streaming tail, streaking across the early morning sky. Instead, the comet looked like a green, hazy smudge low on the horizon.

 

Many things can be disappointing. When I finally got up to the top of the Statue of Liberty, I found it to be much smaller than I first thought. The "It's a Small World" ride at Disney would be far less monotonous if they gave you a few baseballs to see how many dolls you can take out. Olympic curling is the only sport that is more boring for participants than it is for spectators. Fireworks are like a B movie you already saw. Halley's Comet is a hazy blotch on the horizon on the way to breakfast. Solar eclipses are not all that rare. Most things in life don't live up to expectations, but admittedly, I'm glad I had the opportunity to experience each and everyone of them.

Just once.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on August 24, 2017. The names in this article have been changed to protect people's privacy. Most of the facts were made up too.