An Education in Muffin Tops

In April of 1017 we were on a car trip and passing through a trendy city looking for some morning chow. I saw a sign for muffin tops at a breakfast place. At the time I thought the term muffin top was an euphemism for fat bulging over one's belt.

"Why would anyone refer to a muffin top at a restaurant?" I thought.

We pulled in to investigate. What we discovered was that some clever entrepreneur came up with the idea that people shouldn't have to soldier through the bottom of a muffin to gain access to the more desirable cap. Science and technology has allowed us to just purchase the muffin top and get on with it, straight away. I asked a young guy behind the counter, named "Chet," how they made just muffin tops,

"We cut the bottoms off and throw them away," Chet replied.

Apparently, I pay just as much for a full muffin as I do for a muffin top except Chet tosses half my muffin into the landfill instead. Thank you, Chet!

We all selected our muffin tops and sat down for a family discussion on the ethics of muffin marketing. Our oldest, Aidan, offered,

"It's like All Stuf Oreos."

"What's that?" I inquired.

All Stuf Oreos are for busy, important people who are constantly on the go. You know, discriminating, power users who reject the cookie all together and go straight for the "creme."

"Is there All Double Stuf?" I asked.

"Not yet," Aidan answered, "But that's a good idea."

"I read some people eat frosting straight from the can," my wife, Christine offered.

"It's just wrong that in the wealthiest country some people can't afford cake," I declared.

"They can afford cake. They just prefer the frosting," Christine explained.

I was puzzled.

Christine has a friend who has the annoying habit of eating just the cheese whenever we share a pizza. She strips a slice naked, scoffing up the cheese and a little bit of sauce, leaving the naked bread behind. Watching this unfold annoys me to the point where it has become questionable who is more nuts. The problem I have with all this is that you aren't eating pizza if you're eating just the cheese. You're eating cheese. The crappy cookie that sandwiches the stuff is what an Oreo is. If you forgo the wafer, you're not eating an Oreo cookie. You're eating frosting which is not cake just as the top of the muffin is not a muffin.

Marketing to narcissists may seem harmless; after all, you're giving people just what they want, but there's a downside. Today, kids freely admit that they don't want to work hard in college. That's why more and more kids are avoiding STEM classes in favor of easier courses of study. Many colleges are creating programs for students who want to avoid math. Worthless degrees have always been offered by higher educational institutions, but now that there is a greater demand for higher education there seems like there has been an explosion of bullshit majors.

When I toiled away at degrees in engineering and computer science, I was required to take courses in the humanities, but fine arts students weren't required to take calculus. Today you can major in Exercise Science which sounds like STEM, but you won't have to take any actual science courses. Library Science is a degree in which the Dewey Decimal System substitutes for linear algebra. By the time you get your diploma, there won't be any libraries anymore. It's like getting a degree in Morse Code.

Worse yet a recent online poll revealed that 87% of college students skip class with the most popular reason being to spend time with their friends. With the astronomical cost of college tuition today, it's dumbfounding that any student would opt out of attendance for any reason other than uncontrollable bleeding. Advertisements for online schools show students in their pajamas "doing it their way." The problem is signing up for a four year degree in an easy major that can't help you get a job is not getting an education.

Apathy is not just affecting college students either. The trades have their share as well. I hired a father and his son to do some work on my house. On the first day, the son didn't show up. His father explained that his boy graduated from high school and was out all night partying. I thought,

"On his first day of work in the real world, he called in sick."

When you're too blotto from the pervious night's drinking, you're not sick. You're hungover.

It's okay if the muffin top appeals to your hedonistic side, just keep in mind that anything worthwhile comes about from hard work, and you can't do it drunk or in your pajamas.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on April 27, 2017. All Stuf Oreos was an April Fool's prank pulled off by Adam Padilla.