America's Got Tragedy

After twelve seasons, I've finally got around to watching yet another talent show. Simon Cowell produces America's Got Talent (AGT), which is thankfully devoid of the nut job highlights so prominently featured on other talent shows like American Idol. Who can forget William Hung's rounded rendition of the Ricky Martin smash hit "She Bang." Or the sagging protest anthem "Pants on the Ground" by Larry Platt. Or Season Seven's white fur hat wearing Renaldo Lapuz's sensitive original "We're Brothers Forever."

William Hung

American Idol routinely dedicated a lot of air time spotlighting the performances of various talentless people. I hated sitting through their fifteen minutes of fame. Luckily, Cowell didn't port this feature to AGT. Instead he copied another often used tactic to garnish favor from American audiences, the tragic story.

After cordial introductions many of the contestants launch into the details that brought them to sing, play the piano or juggle flaming bowling pins, a family member's Stage 5 colon cancer or their own struggles with physical disability. One contestant sang an original song after going completely deaf, another's father was battling the big C. Still yet, a woman who survived a fiery plane crash in her native Nigeria only to be tragically scarred, sang Ed Sheridan's "Thinking Out Loud."



America loves an underdog. Not only did all these acts receive a standing ovation, a few reigned in the coveted golden buzzer, the gimmicky techno beeline to the live show. The young lady, Evie Clair, who tearfully sang for her dad during his chemo treatments, and the nine year old singer, Angelica Hale, who survived a kidney transplant when she was four years old, (she got the kidney from her mother), both got the golden buzzer. It's not that I didn't find their stories compelling. It's just that without their tragic tale of overcoming hardship many of their performances were mediocre at best. Marisa McKaye, the soft spoken and humble 12 year old girl didn't retell a gut wrenching story before she played her guitar and sang. She was sent packing by Heidi during the judges cuts. After thanking the judges, McKaye sweetly said as she fought back tears,

"It's okay."

She would be in the finals if her little brother had died of Spontaneous Human Combustion. McKaye showed a level of maturity and poise not seen among many of the other, older contestants.

Sara & Hero

Take the case of Sara Carson and Hero, the trained dog. When we first met Carson, she talked about how shy she was from all the bullying she endured in school. She credits Hero with saving her life. Her pirate themed act involved prancing about the stage while the dog jumped through her legs. They appeared to be fighting each other as the dog took her sword in his mouth and jumped about on its hind quarters. Mell B and Howie were not impressed as Carson crumbled into a ball with her dog and sobbed. Heidi liked the act as did Cowell, who went up on stage to argue a case that Howie should change his vote. The audience was clearly 100% behind Carson because in America a healthy dog trumps a human cancer victim every time. Howie wisely acquiesced because as the show's producer, Cowell's his boss.

Colton &Trent Edwards

There are other strange phenomena occurring on AGT that I'm not able to understand. Take the case of singing, dancing duo, Colton and Trent Edwards, who call themselves "Mirror Image," taking a cue from their mirror twin status. A mirror is just what Colton and Trent need in the Edwards home. Not only do they suck as singers, their dancing is so bad that it's embarrassing, times two, to watch them flutter about the stage. I'm not sure which one said this so I'll just say the left one exclaimed,

"The world is our oyster, and we are its pearls!"

This is what happens to millennials with snowplow parents, constantly telling them that they're special snowflakes. They go onto a syndicated, national television show and make permanent fools of themselves. I feel bad for the Edwards twins. I have a few surviving pictures of my long hair days, "parted in the middle and feathered on the sides." There's also a shot of me in a shiny celery suit my mother borrowed from her friend who's son wore it when he graduated in 1971. I got to wear it when I went to honors night in the early '80's. I didn't know at the time how foolish I looked in the outdated suit. That was a long time ago, but I still wince whenever I see that picture.

Darcy Callus

The Edwards twins, through the magic of the internet, will be able to relive their cringe worthy performance on AGT for the rest of their life. How these two snuck past the judges cut is beyond me. I must have missed the fine print which states that a quirky, questionable act beats out a tragic story. The Edwards twins even trounced Darcy Callus, who sang and played the piano.

Callus made the mistake of not coming up with a sob story like his beloved cat, Tinkles, choked on a monster hairball on the way to the hospital to be treated for a terminal case of feline leukemia. Instead he just came out and did his thing. I'm no musician, but I thought Callus did great. Cowell said his performance wasn't as good as the first, then sent him packing.

Something happened to Simon after his best friend's wife gave birth to Cowell' son. He actually mellowed. This happened to my wife, Christine, as well, except that because I don't have any friends, the baby was mine. Before we had our children, Christine was a tough as nails, straight talking, businesswoman. Years ago, we were watching American Idol when some little girl melted down while singing.

"Poor kid," I exclaimed.

Christine launched, "You want to be a professional singer, you have to suck it up, overcome the nerves and soldier though the pain. You can't start blubbering on national TV."

I think I saw out of the corner of my eye, Christine draw a line across her neck with her index finger as she made a cutting noise. At the time, I didn't know I married Anita the Hun. After she gave birth to our first son, Aidan, we were watching the show when the same thing happened. A kid started to mess up on stage. I looked at Christine as she said,

"Why doesn't someone help that poor boy? He's pouring his heart out up there. That's somebodies baby, you know."

I think the kid was like 22 or something. Anyway, Cowell has gone soft, and it's reflected in AGT. I miss the old Simon. The cocky Brit who'd spit out Coke while trying not to laugh at some dude ruining a perfectly good Ricky Martin song. I don't know where AGT is going, but I'll see it through to the end.

At least they cut that chicken that played the piano.