Once Again, Not Invited to Taytay's Party

Taylor Swift's RI Beachfront House

A few years ago, Taylor Swift purchased a stately home, built in the 1930's on a rocky bluff a short distance from the town beach that we frequent every summer. The house was once owned by someone associated with a ballet troupe. I remember when I was a kid seeing ballerinas practicing on the lawn. Not much changed with the house since it's most famous owner took it over. There's more security. The stone wall, holding back the sea, was shored up. The house survived the 1938 hurricane on top the rocky bluff. The hurricane wiped out most dwellings in the area. It significantly altered the lay of land to this day.

For years, we've watched fireworks from the beach adjacent to the old house on the hill. I'm not sure who foots the bill for the event on the fourth which is launched from a barge anchored in the ocean. The reflection off the surface of the sea is always a wonderful spectacle.

Taylor Swift's annual Fourth of July party is now a major event for the area. Important people from Hollywood, the music industry, as well as models descend onto the area. A lot of people who go by one name attend Taytay's party. One time, Lourde walked by us on the beach. Another time we waited in line for some ice cream with Austin, Taylor's brother.

We never talk to celebs when we run into them. Once in Times Square, I rounded a corner while carrying my then three year old son, Aidan, on my shoulders as we ran into Ryan Seacrest and a handler. In no time, we were surrounded by a horde of people. I felt like we were at a Who concert. It was very scary as we were swept in any direction the crowd moved. I recall Seacrest reaching out to save a small girl from being trampled. It was very frightening. After that, I swore off celebrity encounters. Too dangerous. Even so, every year, my invitation to the Swift USA Birthday Bash gets lost in the mail. Well, not mine, mind you. I'm nobody, but my wife, Christine, and my son, Aidan, are very early Swift fans. They go back to 2008 with Love Story. I know that doesn't make them fan zero, but it still is nearly a decade of dedication.

Each year, I tell Christine to practice her open mouth smile. Aidan knows how to do that two finger, one thumb, one handed sign language thing that, I think, means "love" which all the rappers do. You have to shake your hand back and forth in minute oscillations to get the right affect. William, our youngest, has become a Swiftie by osmosis. Admittedly, I didn't get onboard until 1989, the album not the year.

Every year, I assure my wife that we'll magically get an invite, but it never happens. Christine reminds me that we're local nobodies, not even in her fan club. I remind her that we're in her fan base, the people who actually pay for her music. She tells me that we're musically talentless, non actors, who are on a runway only when sitting in an airplane. We have no tattoos, no claim to fame.

I guess Christine is right. We operate in different circles. Taylor Swift and her crew fly in the stratosphere, and we're salt of the earth kind of people. The only person who is friends with Taytay which I would want to meet is Lena Dunham. She's a real genius writer. Dunham always seems like she's on the fringe of Taylor Swift's squad. I saw the picture of her standing with Taylor and all her supermodel friends and thought,

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

"One of these things is not like the others."

It's probably for the best. I don't think Ryan Reynolds and I would have anything to talk about other than my wife's sister-in-law's niece was in one of the Van Wilder films. I would also probably piss off Ed Sheeran since I find his new song, The Shape of You, irritating. He comes off a little on the surface for me in that tune. Middle aged woman gush when Ed Sheeran is mentioned. The dude gives hope to gingers all over the world. I read that tattoo artists love gingers because of their fair complexion, and Ed has really colored up his skin. Along with the orange hair and the colorful tats, he's a walking Crayola crayon box.

I think Selena Gomez is better off without The Bieber. She's cranking out some real good tunes like It Ain't Me and Bad Liar. Not that Bieber's a bad guy. I kind of like him. He just needs to decompress, and refrain from urinating on people's stuff. You have to remember, the dude grew up in a messed up household without a father. He'll work it out someday. My biggest regret is that my wife and I have a real penchant for old houses. But, once again, we weren't invited.

This is as close as we got.







Maybe next year.