Take Your Vote and Leave

There are several notable celebrities that vowed to leave the country if Trump was elected. Here is a rundown of a few that should be packing their bags.

Miley Cyrus

 

Miley Cyrus Adjusting the Business
End of her Lady Parts 

Miley Cyrus used to sing songs about her grandpa while playing her folk guitar, but lately she's been twerking in Robin Thicke's crotch, licking sledgehammers, and writing songs about drug use. Her transformation from Disney star to pop, soft core, diva came with the revelation that she was just being her true self. If you followed her career, you can pinpoint the exact day and time Miley discovered penis. Miley barely got out of puberty before she started performing sex acts with blow up dolls on stage. She posted on Instagram,

"I am moving if this is my president. I don't say things I don't mean!

Spoken like a true millennial. Miley Cyrus proved to me that I don't want to see all women naked. Keep your clothes on, Miley, and pack your guitar and dolls.

Barbra Streisand

 

Funny Senior Citizen
Barbara Streisand

Singer, Barbra Streisand, who wooed us in the 80's with songs about cats, like Memories, said,

"He has no facts. I don't know, I can't believe it. I'm either coming to your country (Australia), if you'll let me in, or Canada."

First off, I thought she was dead. Streisand was a comic singer/movie star who did films like Funny Girl, the musical, comedy, drama, best known for the first portrayal of a smart, funny, Jewish woman. She would whip out a Jewish accent whenever she needed to extract a laugh from the audience, then she would sing, unaccented, when she wanted us to tear up. Her career as an entertainer is unparalleled with the exception of that stint with Don Johnson. Back in the late 80's, the two started playing hide the mezuzah. Somehow, Johnson and Streisand did a duet together. How this came about, whether it was his idea or hers, the world may never know. Streisand's wiki page doesn't even mention Johnson. Obviously, singing ability wasn't a concern for Streisand. I thought she was going to do a follow up duet with David Hasselhoff. 

Streisand should be aware that Canada is to the north and Australia is to the south.

Cher

Cher Cashing a Social
Security Check at Applebees

Cher said she would move to Jupiter if Trump won. Being a product of the 70's, I'm sure Cher spent a lot of time on other planets. She shit canned Sonny Bono back in 1975, then hooked up with Gregg Allman, who she divorced four years later after he purportedly smacked her around. She continued the humorous, variety television show, The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, owing to Sonny's business sense. Bono was as bad a singer as Don Johnson, but he pulled it off since he was such a likable guy. Even Cher cried at his funeral after he skied into a tree.

Jupiter's gravity is 2.5 times that here on earth. Cher is pushing into her 70's. She better pump some iron before she leaves.

Al Sharpton

 

Sharpton During
Leaner Times

The Reverend Al Sharpton said,

"I’m also reserving my ticket to get out of here if he wins."

For decades, Sharpton has been the tireless point man in the fight for racial equality. In the late 80's, Sharpton backed Twanana Brawley, a 15 year girl who was found smeared with feces and racial slurs written on her body. Brawley claimed she was assaulted and raped by six white men including police officers and a prosecutor. A grand jury found that the slurs written on Brawley's body were backwards, implying that they were written by someone looking in a mirror. Sharpton lost a defamation suit against the men Brawley falsely accused. He never paid the six figure fine. Sharpton got Johnny Cochran to pay the damages.

Before he leaves, he should square up with the government all the back taxes he's been evading for years.

Lena Dunham

 

Lena Dunham Getting
Her Pelvis Tattooed

Lena Dunham is the quirky writer, director and star of the HBO series, Girls. Dunham is the Queen of Self Deprecation. Recently, she referred to herself as a "sack of flaming garbage," but even the trash gets taken out once in a while. She said,

"I know a lot of people have been threatening to do this, but I really will."

Then she recanted, indicating that she will stick it out in her own country. I've watched a few episodes of Dunham's comedy drama, Girls. I'm not sure what the show is about. I think it's about girls, but the four protagonists are neurotic, attention seeking, unstable, drug using women, who muddle through life, always espousing how they feel about everything. Dunham's character, Hannah, eats and calls her parents every time she's stressed which is several times a day. The girls all orbit around equally pathetic guys.

Back in the day when my generation starting dating, we put our best foot forward in attempts to attract a mate. Here's an idea. Don't marry someone who's a "hot mess." The real stress in life happens later when your kid is throwing up at 3 AM, and the mortgage and taxes are due in the morning. Dunham's show must appeal to millennials who need constant propping up just to get through a day off.

When Lena moves to Canada, I recommend that she join a gym, and put down the Scooter Pies. It's cold up there, and working out will help keep her warm.

Ruth Joan Bader Ginsburg
 

Ruth Dressed as Olive Oyl
for Halloween

Supreme Court justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a Bill Clinton appointee, said,

"I can't imagine what the country would be with Donald Trump as our president... Now it's time for us to move to New Zealand."

Sure, she's not a celebrity, but if she moves she'll have to vacate her post as a Supreme Court judge since I'm pretty sure they can't telecommute. That will leave another vacancy for Trump to fill. 

So long, Ruth.

 

Amy Schumer



Amy Schumer
Tries Water

Amy Schumer is a comedian heralding from Comedy Central. She said,

"I will need to learn to speak Spanish because I will move to Spain or somewhere... It's beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It's too crazy."

Amy keeps photoshop techs in demand. Schumer's 2015 comedy, Trainwreck, had her in the lead role, playing a drunk, pot smoking pig. First up, train wreck is two words. Second, celebrities who play drunks are usually boozers in real life. When alcohol abusing celebrities show up on the set wasted, and the script calls for it, the production can keep moving along.

Schumer's tired act often incorporates excessive drinking. She told a story to Stephen Colbert on The Late Show that she once rented Jake Gyllenhaal's condo. After rifling through his stuff, she found a frozen cake in the freezer, which she would eat when she was drunk. It took a few bottles of wine, but she finally got through the whole thing. 

Amy should be aware that Spain is tough on alcohol and drug abuse. We wouldn't want America's new funny girl to end her career in a Spanish prison.

There's a whole bunch of other celebrities who I haven't a clue who they are, Brian Cranston, Neve Campbell, Keegan-Michael Key, Ne-Yo, etc. I'm sure they're a very talented bunch who someone will miss when they move away.

As a cross generational group, I'm not exactly sure who these people think they're punishing by their threat of a life inversion. In some of the cases, the country will be a better place without them. It's just like a celebrity to think that if they move, the rest of us, especially those that voted for Trump, will somehow be upset. As if I would give a crap if Cher moved to Spain. Personally, I would help these people pack if they asked, although they'd have to hire out the heavy lifting.

They wouldn't even have to buy me pizza.