Kim Jong-Phat

Supreme Leader
Kim Jong-un

I read an article today that North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un, is being body shamed in China. Chinese citizens are calling him "Jin San Pang" loosely translated, "Kim Fatty the Third." I guess one billion Chinese people figure if we can mock retired neurosurgeon, Ben Carson, for his theory that pyramids were build by Joseph for grain storage, then they can call out Kim Jong-un for too many dog burgers. Yes, it's true. Koreans eat dogs, which they call "sweet meat."

The Chinese government has suppressed this latest expression of ill will towards the supreme leader. Geng Shuang, spokesman for the Chinese Foreign Minister, said during a news conference,

"We disapprove of referring to the leader of any country with insulting and mocking remarks, except, of course, Trump."

Chinese officials probably filtered out anything to do with the 2016 election from their version of the internet. Since the 1970's communist China has been embracing capitalism by opening up the country to foreign investment and allowing individuals to operate businesses for profit. It has spurned on the Chinese economy, the largest in the world. It also gave the Chinese people something to do because what they're not doing is playing hide the dragon.

In 1980 the Chinese government introduced a family planning policy to stem population growth by allowing only one child per family. Despite the Chinese proverb "women hold up half the sky" the Chinese government preferred boys to hold up all of it. Thirty-five years of offloading girls onto the United States for adoption has led to a 40 to 1 male to female ratio in China. Good thinking, Mao. 

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Women are stabilizing influences in society. Whenever women are suppressed, civilization becomes unglued. Just look at the Middle East. Each country that rolls out the latest style trends in burkas becomes a paranoid controlling society. Iran used to be a progressive nation before the Shah was overthrown by the Ayatollah Khomeini who singlehandedly destroyed the Iranian fashion industry.

Many totalitarian nations segregate adolescent boys and girls. I think forced separation causes men to mentally flameout. Just look at prisons. It's a bad idea. Even the rigid Catholic Church has quietly relaxed its position on schools segregated by gender. The clerical braintrust at the Vatican probably came to the groundbreaking conclusion that "segregation in schools makes men gay." I think the single biggest problem in the Middle East is that men are forcing woman to cover up their lady parts. It's bad enough that Arab men don't learn how to talk to women, but the best they can hope for is a glimpse of a woman's ankle. That's why when coalition forces popped off a senior al-Qaeda leader, they found Sleepless in Seattle in his movie collection. It's kind of sad. The dude was a hopeless romantic, and I mean hopeless.

So now we have millions of Chinese men who are faced with the cold hard fact that there're no women in their country to marry, and the prospects aren't looking good. Naturally when men don't get any, they get aggressive so Chinese men take up making sport of Kim Jong-Chunk. They all got a good laugh out of it until the Chinese government took that away too.

Donald and Dennis

Kim Jong-one is regarded as divine by the North Koreans. They believe he could drive by the time he was three years old. Everyone in the country voted for him in the general election. He has never taken a crap or urinated. His father wrote 1,500 books while in college, and invented the hamburger. I think that's amazing since I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't learned to drive until he was five.

I, for one, think Kim Jong-un is probably a nice guy. He's friends with Dennis Rodman and has a kick ass haircut. If the Chinese need a leader to poke fun at then let them go after Trump. He's friends with Tom Brady who didn't even vote for him which had to be very deflating.

The Chinese should be the last ones to fat shame. Not after the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing when the Chinese government in attempts to make the country appear more sophisticated banned spitting on the sidewalk and profanity near the Olympic venue. They don't have to do that in North Korea mainly because food is so scarce that hawking up a loogie is considered lunch. The air pollution around Beijing is so bad that India and Mexico offered assistance.

Dennis Rodman described Kim Jong-bun as "a best friend for life." Rodman has given several interviews in which he has revealed some of the details of his visits with his totalitarian BFF. Sure, it's in our best interest to gather whatever intelligence we can get on a country with the largest standing army in the world, but I would like to know if it's true that the North Korean leader has never taken a dump.

It's no surprise that Kim Jong-Phat is getting tight in the collar. All those noodles have to go someplace. I guess Rodman is not going to pick up any toilet paper Sudokus for his best friend any time soon.