Free the Mind

I read an article once entitled “Top Ten Male Body Parts According to Women.” Apparently, a reputable college did a year long study through a government grant to generate this groundbreaking research. Now, I know women are from Venus, and men are from Massachusetts so I expect our ideas on favorite body parts to be somewhat different. Well, here it is:

1. Butt
2. Face
3. Hair
4. Back
5. Smile
6. Chest 
7. Eyes
8. Arms
9. Teeth
10. Torso

I was not surprised that teeth made the list. Bad teeth are a huge distraction. Nothing says poor hygiene better, or British lineage louder than poor teeth. Someone who can’t take care of their own teeth is not likely to be all that sensitive to a woman’s needs. I don’t mean to teeth shame, but it’s kind of important to regularly brush, pick and floss. It's time to change your habits when something you need starts to fall out of your head.

I see that men’s hair and face are not as important as their butt. I’ve said it before; men’s rears are not a thing of beauty. They are more often larger than they need to be, and they're generally unsanitary. There's a lot in the Bible about women's periodic uncleanliness. Forget that, men's butts are unclean all the time. Whoever does the laundry in your house can confirm this. Men are always trying to operate outside of the envelope when it comes to back door sneezes, and while many are experts, they put their underwear under a lot of undue stress.

Horses have no shame. If you’ve been in a barn full of horses, you've likely heard the ever present, and completely acceptable, sound of air biscuits being expelled. I had a horse once that I swear would wait for me to brush his hind quarters before he would let loose. I guess when you have no thumbs you have to exact your revenge anyway you can.

Once at work, I had a cauliflower and legume salad for lunch that brought on a rather poignant rendition of Song of the South. I had recently started using earbuds and was rocking out to some Fergie when my gut started to quake. I thought if I could jettison a little moon vapor, I would be able to make it through the rest of the day. The problem is I was unaware that human beings have a built in feedback mechanism that allows us to push just the right amount so that the gas leak is silent. That’s why raspberries make noise. It’s all in the evolution. With sound cancelling buds blaring Fergalious, that mechanism isn’t as effective. I ended up venting the bilge much louder than I thought. I discovered this when my colleague from over the partition texted me,

“Was that you?”

It didn’t really register right off exactly what had just happened because I didn't hear anything, but it didn't take me long to figure it out. The only thing I could come up with was,

“I think it was Ted, the new guy.”

At work always blame the new guy. Jack Welch said that.

Men’s butts shouldn’t have made the list in the first place because, quite frankly, they’re gross. One time I caught a glimpse of my ass in the mirror when I was getting out of shower. I thought there was a troll in the bathroom with me.

The torso is a bit fundamental. I don’t figure the torso is really a part of the male anatomy because you can’t live without one, and women have one too. The most striking aspect of this list is that it is devoid of the defining piece of the male concoction, the John Thomas. Size apparently doesn’t matter after all; in fact, women don’t really care if you have one as long as you got great hair and a nice smile. You might think you have to believe these results because its science, but I’m not so sure. My top three parts of the female anatomy are all required to be covered with clothing. Four, if you distinguish right from left.

I asked several people with a background in psychology why this list is missing the one particular defining anatomical male feature, and the answer I got from all of them indicated that when women fill out surveys, they presume it to be vulgar to pick something other than “eyes” or “hair.” So essentially women lie about their favorite men's body part because if they tell the truth, they'll be slut shamed or something.

When my wife was pregnant with our first son the ultrasound technician and a nurse were looking to see what color we should use for our reveal party. When they had definitive proof he was a boy, one of them declared, 

"Oh look, he’s grabbing it. What a typical male.”

To which I asked, “Can you at least wait for him to get out of the womb before you start the lifelong penis guilt?”

Before we Free the Nipple, I think we need to overcome our anxiety about public breastfeeding in this country. I think it's perfectly natural. I don't understand why some people are uncomfortable with mothers nursing a child. That’s what those things were made for. Some men get jealous when their wives breastfeed. That’s got to be the definition of selfish. If anything, babies should be jealous of us for playing with their food. In the end, men are just borrowing those things until they're needed later.

If women began to go shirtless like men, the incidences of distracted driving will go off the charts. I know it’s more acceptable in France, both on TV and public beaches. The French think American men are unrealistically infatuated with woman’s chests which, of course, we are. I'm not talking about Canadians here. I mean the real French. They are always acting disinterested, you know, laissez-faire about everything. That's their thing, being bored and smoking cigarettes. Anyway, it's odd that in this day and age, we have laws against women’s nipples.

We should all grow up and Free the Nipple, but before you can do that, let me suggest that you first free your mind.

Editor's Note: Originally published on September 22, 2016.