Still Getting Older

Last I checked I'm still getting older. I even shrunk a half inch. I'm not passing on green bananas in the supermarket or opting for fast drying paint just yet, but I am getting ornery. This is my third post in the series of things that make me mad now that I'm an old fart.

1. Frozen French toast

Yes, you can buy French toast in the freezer aisle. I recognize that some people just don't know how to cook, but the only thing easier to prepare than French toast is water. All you need is an egg and milk and some stale bread. It's that easy. If you can't make French toast, then you don't deserve to eat. I hate that.

2. Big children in strollers.

Nothing sets a kid up more on the path to entitlement than rolling him around an amusement park in a stroller. If your kid's feet drag on the ground as you push him in a stroller, then make the little bastard walk. Mothers toting a full array of baby products, food and appeasement toys make me cringe. Don't even get me started on dogs in strollers. I despise that.

3. Twerking

I'm glad twerking has gone the way of the disco ball and clackers. There's nothing less appealing than the sound of butt cheeks clapping together. I especially dislike it when Miley Cyrus does it. It's the kind of thing that's difficult to unsee. It's also probably unsanitary. I loath twerking.

4. People making that stupid two handed heart symbol.

Yeah, yeah. I heart you too. Can we please come up with something more original than the two handed heart thing? I usually follow up the hand heart thing with the international solitary digit of ill will. I abhor that.

5. Movies based on comic book characters.

Hollywood usually milks a good thing until the public relations peeps say it has been bled dry. Superhero movies have run their course so much that second string characters like Deadpool have made it to the silver screen twice. Deadpool is supposed to be a wisecracking expert swordsman who appeals to 14 years old boys, you know, the kids too young to buy a $9 beer at a bar so they buy a $11 popcorn at the theatre. They're the movie goers who laugh at violence and flatulent laden jokes. Not that I'm above that, but I detest super hero movies.

6. Comedies in which all the funny lines are in the trailer.

This has happened to all of us. Since good dialog is hard to come by, characters are often flattened by mediocre writing and numbnuts storylines. So when a comedy rolls around, the marketing experts ensure all the funny lines are in the trailer, giving you the impression that the film is better than it actually is. So you spend $22 on tickets and $12 on a box of Raisinettes and a vat of soda to see yet another stinker movie. When the trailer is the film, I dislike that.

7. Starbuck's cup sizing.

I still don't know what a large is because a "grande" is a small, and I think a "verdi" is a medium or something. Confusing nomenclature is designed to mask the fact that you just paid $8 for café, half-caff double blend, unicorn smoothie chip. Maybe people would order at a Starbucks when waiting for friends if they had some sense of the size of the thing they ordered. That pisses me off.

8. Calling for an apology.

Allen Funt

When people run afoul of common sense, the easily outraged among us expect a Maya culpa in the form of an apology. Rosanne Barr had her reboot situation comedy cancelled after she tweeted a racially insensitive comment directed at former White House senior advisor, Valerie Jarrett, even though she apologized profusely. Samantha Bee, going straight for the Fallopian tubes, called Ivanka Trump a "freckles" c-word that rhymes with "Allen Funt" on her TBS comedy, Full Frontal, then apologized as well. Kathy Griffin apologized for her presidential decapitation stunt only to take it back. Griffin supports Bee and was disappointed that she apologized. I think Bee got away with it for the same reason Chris Rock gets away with dropping n-bombs.

Bill Clinton, discussing the MeToo movement during an interview which aired on NBC, claims that he apologized for lying about the time he played “Where’s the Cuban?” in the Oval Office. He said he left the White House "$16 million in debt." He should have apologized to his wife, and by the way, he left the American people $6 trillion in debt.

I object to persecuting people for saying stupid things.

Vin Diesel

9. Vin Diesel.

I don’t hate Vin Diesel as much as I hate his voice which sounds like a nerd, head down in a porcelain toilet. Vin Diesel is a misfired attempt at emulating The Rock. Vin Diesel makes me recoil.

10. Having to ask before reclining your seat on an airplane.

In my day, you did what was allowed by the airline, and everyone accepted that. Now that so many of us are so easily offended, people take reclining a crappy coach seat on an airplane without asking as an affront to their personal space. A passenger in the row behind me was visibly upset by my emboldened act of reclining my seat. I don't know why she was so pissed off since her service pet, a very large dog, was seated directly behind me. I heard her say,

"Some people just recline their seat without asking."

It's bad enough I once stepped in dog shit on an airplane, but now I'm expected to ensure that I don't encroach on Dinckle's personal space when I recline my seat. As a human that actually paid to be on the flight, I hate that.

Getting old is no fun, but it’s better than the alternative.

Editor's Note: Originally posted one June 5, 2018.

Tree Talk

Scientists finally have decoded the unspoken language of trees. Using the latest developments in decision making theory, Dr. Leonid Fresnel of Brizbane University and a graduate student known only as “Tom” have unlocked the secret communications of the forest. Fresnel released the following statement,

“We hope that the technology may one day be ported to a smart phone so everyone may know what trees think of them.”

The groundbreaking research uses "regression analysis" to parse electrical stimulus of the trees aurora. Root finding algorithms borrowed from computational biology also play a part in deciphering the data. The first recoded words spoken by a Chilean Mesquite desert tree, interpreted by Fresnel's team, was the repeated statement,

“How ‘bout some water here.”

The researchers are still unsure, but they think the tree was shouting. Other communications recently translated indicate that some species refer to smaller nearby yearlings with terms like “sap” and “dwarf.” The scientists believe that "sap" is short for "sapling" while "dwarf" is an abbreviation of "Dwarf Alberta Spruce."

Some researchers find the word choices made by trees unsettling. Tom remarked,

“Who knew trees were such douches?”

The most complete conversation recently captured between two trees, a Shagbark Hickory sapling and a mature Sycamore, went as follows.

“Hey twiggy, how’s the shade down there?”

“I’m get plenty of sun, lightening rod. Looks to me you got an ant infestation, Uncle Fester.”

“Yeah, well least I'm not a dwarf that has to worry about being stepped on.”

“Fuck you, bean pole!”

Fresnel's team double checked their analysis and are 99% sure that trees apparently insult each other. He offered the following explanation.

“It’s not surprising mind games are also an intricate part of the survival spectrum of behavior,” then added, “We're just not actually sure yet if trees have minds.”

While it may be difficult for some people to accept that trees are in fact verbally abusive, the news was well received by the logging industry.

Donny Ray Lynn, a spokesman said,

“I always knew trees were fucked up ever since that one fell on Dwayne back in 93.”

The research shows that trees refer to humans as "rootless appendage wavers." Fresnel makes the point that "there has been no incidence where a tree used racially charged vernacular." Trees make no distinction in regards to human beings as they apparently hate us all equally.

Further research will translate language from trees worldwide to determine if all trees use derogatory terms in lieu of the initial subjects just being a pocket of assholes. Fresnel said,

"We think that tree language might vary regionally. For instance, one might have a slanted view of mankind if they only studied subjects from, say, New Jersey."

Environmentalists are holding out that language among trees will, in fact, vary by locale, but it is more likely that trees try to psyche each other out as a means to better their chances of survival. In a parallel study, researchers are trying to determine if when a tree is hugged, it sports wood.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 29, 2018.

Coup d'épon

A few days ago, I went to the Exchange on the nearby military base to buy a Xbox. Ours was getting a bit slow due to software developers dropping snippets of code to ensure that ancient hardware performs at the speed of a tree sloth's digestion, guaranteeing an upgrade. We play a lot of first person shooter survival games on Xbox, and the other day the graphics load was so lethargic that I was able to run through a wall of a building that hadn't quite rendered yet. I thought it was funny until my avatar ended up stuck inside a refrigerator.

Items bought at the Exchange are usually a few dollars cheaper plus devoid of any state tax because military bases are federal property. A purchase earlier in the week got me the added bonus of a $15 dollar off coupon which in retrospect should have been perused for the fine print. When I bought the Xbox, the sales person pointed out that my coupon was good between May 10 and May 12, and today was the 9th.

"You'll have to come back tomorrow to redeem this coupon," she cheerfully explained.

Apart from the fact that this was a 1970's marketing campaign reminiscent of K-mart's blue light specials, I agreed to return to the store to redeem my coupon even though the last time I was involved in something like this, I was skipping to school with a lunch box. I was just glad that I wasn't getting the real royal treatment of my youth which was being told to box up the purchase, return it, then buy it again on a date delineated on the coupon. We actually did things like that before the internet.

The Blue Light District

It didn't matter all that much because I also needed to secure a few uniform items for both me and my son. I'm retired so I thought it wasn't likely that I would ever be in uniform again, but Aidan joined Sea Cadets and performs Taps on his field regulation bugle at military services. When your fourteen year old son puts on a uniform and asks his father to do the same, the next evolution involves securing pants that fit. And that's what I was doing at the uniform shop at the Exchange along with dropping off Aidan's service dress blues and summer whites for dry cleaning. Conveniently, the cleaners were located at the service desk so after offloading the clothing, I retold the story the sales clerk said to me the day before in regards to the coupon, then I presented the receipt for the Xbox.

"You made this purchase yesterday, not today," the service desk person noted.

“Yeah, but she said...”

"What you need to do is pack up the Xbox and return it, then buy it again."

"You can't be serious?" I asked.

"The coupon says that it applies to purchases between May 10 and 12," they exclaimed.

"How 'bout apply it to the dry cleaning?" I reasoned.

"It's not valid for services."

So I figured I would use it on my new summer white pants and shoes I needed to complete my post 50, fat ass, uniform. At the uniform shop, I found what I needed, then had the slacks fitted. When I went to settle up, I pushed my $15 coupon. The clerk said,

"You can't use this for uniform items."

"I suppose I can't use it for alterations either?"

"No, that's a service."

Undaunted, I finished up at the uniform shop, then went back to the electronics department. I found the woman who sold me the Xbox.

"I never said that," she explaindecd.

"Yes, you did," I retorted.

"No, I said you would have to come in and buy it again."

I know I'm getting old and occasionally forget my kid's names or call my sister by my wife's name, but I'm sure she told me, just yesterday, to come in with the receipt to redeem the coupon, but now things had all changed. The best I could come up with was that overnight a coup d'état replaced all the reasonable people who just yesterday would've pushed this paperwork through with puppets who succumb to authoritative rule mostly out of fear of being sent to the gulag. As I envisioned swinging a twenty pound sledge hammer shot put style at a mammoth screen of a bureaucrat shouting orders to the masses, I found myself in the unusual position of not needing anything. Decades of unabashed consumerism ground to a halt at this very moment. I moved on to the checkout lines in front of the store, bent on paying it forward. I spotted a dude at a register.

"Hey man, you want $15 off your purchase?"

"Excuse me?" the guy asked.

After explaining my plight in what was likely too much detail, the guy happily agreed. The sales clerk glanced at the coupon,

"It's not applicable to gift cards."

Apparently, my shopping brother was buying gift cards, but he also had a giant sack of dog food.

"What about the dog chow?" I asked.

"It's not applicable to bulk pet foods."

I scanned the fine print on the back of the coupon. "It doesn't say that!"

"Third paragraph," the cashier said.

The text on the back of the coupon was slightly larger than a pixel so I couldn't make out most of the words. I did spot the word "dog" which not surprisingly is "God" spelled backwards.

"Okay, let's try it this way. What is this coupon good for?" I asked.

"Products purchased today, tomorrow and the next day," the cashier answered.

"I also have these," my new found financial partner exclaimed. He had a Red Bull and a candy bar.

"That's not enough. It has to be over $15," they explained.

I grabbed a Snickers bar and tossed it on the counter.

"How about now?"

"Still not enough."

I grabbed a handful of Sour Patch Kids and dumped them on the counter.

"Now?"

"That should do it."

Satisfied that I stood in defiance of the machine, I turned and walk out.

"Thank you!" the guy exclaimed.

I raised my fist in the air as I shouted,

"Power to the people!"

As I made my way through the parking lot, I got a text from my wife,

Editors's Note: Originally posted on May 15, 2018.

Will Your Dog Defend You?

Recently, I watched a video which asked this very question. Security footage showed man's best friend cowering from burglars so Inside Edition decided to test dogs by faking a home invasion to see if Dinkles will come to the rescue. I watched with great interest as dog owners all claimed that their beloved fur baby will tear the throat out of an intruder.

There is no doubt that Americans love dogs. Many refer to them as "members of the family." In 2008, the White House webpage contained a petition requiring a "federal investigation of all dog bites in America" because "family members are being torn from their homes and euthanized by police." There were over 100,000 signatures on the document which downplayed the fact that the family members were dogs that bit humans.

A friend of mine was sure his two Dobermans would defend him ferociously if he was attacked.

"Bo and Wilson will shred your ass if you come anywhere near anyone in my family," my friend assured me.

After watching the video, I noted that like my friend, dog owners let their pooches lick their faces including their mouths even though dogs have no thumbs so they don't use toilet paper to wipe their butts after they pinch. Instead, they lick their junk. I would too, I guess, if I could, but having thumbs means I would certainly brush my teeth afterwards. The video showed that most dogs will flee to save themselves rather than defend their owners. My favorite was "Ruby," the four year old lab/pitbull mix referred to by his owner, Kevin, as a "princess." Not only did Ruby not attack the intruder, but she urinated all over the floor. After the criminal finishes his beat down of Kev's face, Kevin gets to clean up after Ruby's piddle.

The last was a mutt named Frodo and a Chihuahua called Doby. The narrator refers to the dogs as "fearless" as they display "the classic guard dog technique" of getting in between the attacker and their owner, but in reality, neither dog bit the intruder. In fact, they looked like they were trying to play with wagging tails and jumps onto the couch.

Another video showed two Burmese mountain dogs, Sam and Mojo, barking menacingly, but the dogs were no threat. They were more likely hungry or just wanted to take a shit in the yard. This video shows an owner faking a heart attack to see how his service pet would respond. It looks like Dinkles started servicing his dead owner's head. This dude puts on a really good show, feigning medical distress. His loyal husky seems like he couldn’t give a shit about his owner's respiratory emergency. At least he didn't try to skull hump him after he dies.

Based on the evidence it is highly unlikely that my friend’s Dobermans would defend family members attacked by an intruder. Wilson is the older dog who is going to pack it in soon. He naps a lot. I think Wilson is deaf. Bo, the dog on deck is a really dumb. It once ran into a parked car.

Dogs need to be trained to defend their owners which can be very costly. Dog owners need to face the fact that their pooch's lack of concern for their wellbeing is just a survival instinct, or possibly payback for hacking off their gonads. It's just like a dog owner to impart unrealistic favorable behavior on their pets which they surgically modify so they more readily fit in a human world. These are people who put dogs in crates and then try to convince you that "he likes it."

The natural world is all about individual success which is why giraffes casually drink from a water source as a nearby cackle of hyenas take out a baby impala. If I hadn't any thumbs and someone force castrated me, I wouldn't defend them from an attack either. In fact, I'm surprised dogs don't join in and bite their owner's balls off.

Nature is wondrously cruel.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 22, 2018.