Scientists finally have decoded the unspoken language of trees. Using the latest developments in decision making theory, Dr. Leonid Fresnel of Brizbane University and a graduate student known only as “Tom” have unlocked the secret communications of the forest. Fresnel released the following statement,
“We hope that the technology may one day be ported to a smart phone so everyone may know what trees think of them.”
The groundbreaking research uses "regression analysis" to parse electrical stimulus of the trees aurora. Root finding algorithms borrowed from computational biology also play a part in deciphering the data. The first recoded words spoken by a Chilean Mesquite desert tree, interpreted by Fresnel's team, was the repeated statement,
“How ‘bout some water here.”
The researchers are still unsure, but they think the tree was shouting. Other communications recently translated indicate that some species refer to smaller nearby yearlings with terms like “sap” and “dwarf.” The scientists believe that "sap" is short for "sapling" while "dwarf" is an abbreviation of "Dwarf Alberta Spruce."
Some researchers find the word choices made by trees unsettling. Tom remarked,
“Who knew trees were such douches?”
The most complete conversation recently captured between two trees, a Shagbark Hickory sapling and a mature Sycamore, went as follows.
“Hey twiggy, how’s the shade down there?”
“I’m get plenty of sun, lightening rod. Looks to me you got an ant infestation, Uncle Fester.”
“Yeah, well least I'm not a dwarf that has to worry about being stepped on.”
“Fuck you, bean pole!”
Fresnel's team double checked their analysis and are 99% sure that trees apparently insult each other. He offered the following explanation.
“It’s not surprising mind games are also an intricate part of the survival spectrum of behavior,” then added, “We're just not actually sure yet if trees have minds.”
While it may be difficult for some people to accept that trees are in fact verbally abusive, the news was well received by the logging industry.
Donny Ray Lynn, a spokesman said,
“I always knew trees were fucked up ever since that one fell on Dwayne back in 93.”
The research shows that trees refer to humans as "rootless appendage wavers." Fresnel makes the point that "there has been no incidence where a tree used racially charged vernacular." Trees make no distinction in regards to human beings as they apparently hate us all equally.
Further research will translate language from trees worldwide to determine if all trees use derogatory terms in lieu of the initial subjects just being a pocket of assholes. Fresnel said,
“We hope that the technology may one day be ported to a smart phone so everyone may know what trees think of them.”
The groundbreaking research uses "regression analysis" to parse electrical stimulus of the trees aurora. Root finding algorithms borrowed from computational biology also play a part in deciphering the data. The first recoded words spoken by a Chilean Mesquite desert tree, interpreted by Fresnel's team, was the repeated statement,
“How ‘bout some water here.”
The researchers are still unsure, but they think the tree was shouting. Other communications recently translated indicate that some species refer to smaller nearby yearlings with terms like “sap” and “dwarf.” The scientists believe that "sap" is short for "sapling" while "dwarf" is an abbreviation of "Dwarf Alberta Spruce."
Some researchers find the word choices made by trees unsettling. Tom remarked,
“Who knew trees were such douches?”
The most complete conversation recently captured between two trees, a Shagbark Hickory sapling and a mature Sycamore, went as follows.
“Hey twiggy, how’s the shade down there?”
“I’m get plenty of sun, lightening rod. Looks to me you got an ant infestation, Uncle Fester.”
“Yeah, well least I'm not a dwarf that has to worry about being stepped on.”
“Fuck you, bean pole!”
Fresnel's team double checked their analysis and are 99% sure that trees apparently insult each other. He offered the following explanation.
“It’s not surprising mind games are also an intricate part of the survival spectrum of behavior,” then added, “We're just not actually sure yet if trees have minds.”
While it may be difficult for some people to accept that trees are in fact verbally abusive, the news was well received by the logging industry.
Donny Ray Lynn, a spokesman said,
“I always knew trees were fucked up ever since that one fell on Dwayne back in 93.”
The research shows that trees refer to humans as "rootless appendage wavers." Fresnel makes the point that "there has been no incidence where a tree used racially charged vernacular." Trees make no distinction in regards to human beings as they apparently hate us all equally.
Further research will translate language from trees worldwide to determine if all trees use derogatory terms in lieu of the initial subjects just being a pocket of assholes. Fresnel said,
"We think that tree language might vary regionally. For instance, one might have a slanted view of mankind if they only studied subjects from, say, New Jersey."
Environmentalists are holding out that language among trees will, in fact, vary by locale, but it is more likely that trees try to psyche each other out as a means to better their chances of survival. In a parallel study, researchers are trying to determine if when a tree is hugged, it sports wood.
Environmentalists are holding out that language among trees will, in fact, vary by locale, but it is more likely that trees try to psyche each other out as a means to better their chances of survival. In a parallel study, researchers are trying to determine if when a tree is hugged, it sports wood.
Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 29, 2018.
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