Dog's Best Friend

Obama Checking if Bo is Dead

Recently, I was helping a friend repair his fence in his backyard when his bull terrier started humping my leg. Now, a bull terrier is the perfect size dog to drop kick, and seeing how he was already on my leg, I figured I would give it a go. I shed him cleanly, and he flew awkwardly across the yard. Now dogs don't have the ability to land on all fours like cats. Dinkles the Dog, or whatever his name is tumbled hard when he came in for a landing.

"What the fuck!" my friend exclaimed.


That's dog owners for you. Their dog is raping your leg, and they object to the force you use to get them off. At least Dinkles couldn't shoot his spunk on my Yeezys, being a eunuch and all. He's lucky I didn't put him into orbit.

Dogs aren't really your best friend. I know how unpopular it is to say that. Presidents in this country who want to get reelected are advised to get a dog for the White House otherwise dog owners, which is everybody but me, won't vote for them. I read that Obama hated his dog, Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog. There's a few press pictures of him playing with Bo, but I think Obama just stepped out for a smoke and decided to fake interacting with the animal. I know this because Obama was photographed with a football, and everyone knows dogs just don't play with pig skins. Between the pet dander and the cigarettes, the White House must have stunk terribly.


All my friends have pets, and they collectively bitch about the damage they do. Dog owners are often preoccupied with their dog's bowel movements. They discuss this over dinner. Dogs have a limited opportunity to use the bathroom because they don't actually use the bathroom. They use the yard, and some dog owners have to go with them. One of my friends stands outside in the winter at night when it's one degree outside while his dog pinches because his backyard isn't fenced in.

"I'm gonna fence in this yard," he always says.

He's envious of people who have turned their entire backyard into a toilet for their dog. No thanks!

Dog owners always say I'm depriving my kids by not getting them a dog. One of my dog lover friends was lecturing me as to the joys of dog ownership as we walked Dinkles, who squatted to take a shit. My friend donned a rubber glove, crouched down on his creaky knees and extracted the warm lump from the grass then placed it inside a plastic bag. Whatever he claimed the benefits of dog ownership were was replaced by the timeless image and lingering smell of the turd my friend was now toting.

I read that Obama said his daughters really wanted a dog. Truth is when children really want any pet, they really want the pet for like an hour. After that, you're feeding it, cleaning up after it when it pukes on the rug, and paying its vet bills. Spare me the details of the unconditional love your dog pours on you everyday. There really is no such thing as unconditional love. If a jerk like me started regularly feeding your dog, it would forget you completely. All the times you took it on long walks and bitched about your spouse, the Frisbee afternoons in the park, the special trips to the beach, all forgotten just because I poured the Eukanuba into its bowl.

My friend refers to his bull terrier as "a member of the family" and sometimes as "his favorite child." This always makes me cringe. A lot of dog owners get a second auxiliary dog when the primary dog gets old. This dog on deck strategy helps to maintain continuity, but it also highlights the clear difference between children and pets. Parents don't have a second child just to replace the first when it dies. True, the British royal family does that all the time, but they're a bunch of inbred nutjobs.

Recently, I read that post rapture pet insurance is a hoax orchestrated by Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, an organization that offered pet care services after Jesus returns by popular demand for a limited engagement to judge our behavior here on earth. First of all, it's a little presumptuous to think you'll be going with the Savior after He separates all the good people from the douchebags. The odd thing is that anyone would trust the care of a beloved pet to an atheist contending with post apocalyptic earth. Even if it wasn't a hoax, most pets are going to end up in a pot after the cataclysm gets in full mad max mode.

When I was a kid, a lot of consummate dog lovers would tie their dogs to a tree in the backyard and leave for the day. It's just like a human to take an animal that can run and chain it to something, cage a bird that that can fly, or restrict the range of fish to ten gallons. It's not like dogs watch TV or read a book when you're gone. They're pack animals. They listen to the call of the wild like Buck, but dog owners restrict them such that they can't even take a shit until someone comes home.

An Orca Contemplating
Eating a Trainer

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have protested SeaWorld's practice of capturing and breeding orca's in captivity for performances in shows at theme parks. The protesters point out that whales roam in tight-knit family pods unlike the pools at SeaWorld. Millions of dogs are incarcerated in homes everyday in this country in environments that are nothing like the way they lived in the wild. Although dogs have been domesticated, they certainly don't prefer to be alone even temporarily. That's why dogs bark so incessantly. Most dogs have to wait until their owners come home before they can eat. How ethical is that?

Of course, that pales in comparison to the forcible sterilization domesticated pets endure at the hands of pet lovers. To prevent an animal from procreating, you don't have to perform a hysterectomy or castration. You could just tie their tubes or perform a vasectomy, but that would mean Dinkles would still menstruate or occasionally shoot off his spunk when he humps your leg. Pet people collectively don't want to bother with any of that mess so they surgically carve up their pets so the animal fits into a human world. The same people who remove an animals ability to bust a nut refer to me as a "dog hater." Once on Imgur "my most prized possession" was trending. A woman posted several pictures of her dog, Deke, with the caption,

"My most prized possession is my dog Deke. I just love him."

Being a consummate dick my whole life, I was the first to responded with,

"Deke's most prized possession was his balls."

Jackass Alumnus, Steve-O

Steve-O of Jackass fame got a vasectomy in Puerto Rico to stand in solidarity with his dog, "Wendy," but I got news for him. He didn't go far enough. Steve-O's dog had so much of its anatomy removed that the dog is likely now non binary and probably just sits around and eats all day. Steve-O should have gotten an irreversible gonadectomy if he wanted to commiserate with his beloved pet. There is nothing more undoable then getting your balls handed to you in a jar.

Who knows, maybe our pets suffer from mental illness. Most of them are probably pretty messed up from being torn from their families and forcibly sterilized. Some dog owners elect to implant prosthetic testicals in their dogs after castration as if plastic balls were a good substitute for never again being able to have a nut shot. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) actually encourages the practice of "fixing" your pet. I'll bet dogs don't refer to the procedure by that term. The Kardashians implanted unusually large balls in their boxer, Rocky, after fixing his little red wagon. It must have been Kim's idea because after her butt implants, she was okay with never again being able to ride a bicycle. Maybe your dog is offended by being called "dog." They might prefer the term, "canine." Perhaps they want to be a full fledged seeing eye dog and not merely a service pet. Just can't say for sure.

You may have chosen your dog as your best friend, but ultimately, you'll never know if he would have chosen you.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on February 28, 2017.