Say, what’s in this drink?
which is too reminiscent of Bill Cosby's pharmaceutical bartending skills even though the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania vacated his 2018 conviction of aggravated indecent assault on grounds that his constitutional rights were violated. In the second verse they sing,
I simply must go (But, baby it’s cold outside).
The answer is no (But, baby it’s cold outside).
No means no even in a Christmas carol. This got me thinking about other Christmas songs that should be censored as well.
Santa Clause Is Coming to Town
He sees you when you're sleepin'
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Santa is watching little kids when they sleep? That’s fucked up. It’s bad enough that he sneaks into our houses via the chimney, but I prefer that he withdraw whatever technology he uses to spy on my kids. The lyrics might as well be,
He sees you when you're sleepin'
He watches you take a crap.
I know Santa is like a clown with superpowers, but who knew he was a creep too?
A White Christmas
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know
This tune promotes white privilege. Why do people want a white Christmas? They should seek a diverse Christmas filled with equity for oppressed people.
The Little Drummer Boy
Shall I play for you, pa-rum pum pum pum
on my drum?
Mary nodded pa-rum pum pum pum
The Ox and Lamb kept time pa-rum pum pum pum
This is blatant exploitation of barnyard animals. It’s bad enough that we force castrate unwitting livestock, steal the milk from cows and eat their children, but do they have to keep time to our lame tunes as well? Play that on your drum.
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin;
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year!
Things start off civilly in this piece but rapidly devolve.
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding,
And bring it right here.
Now I have to feed these assholes some culturally appropriated food.
We won't go till we get some,
So bring it right here.
Or they won’t leave. Can't call the cops either because they probably won't show up.
We all like our figgy pudding,
With all its good cheer
I’ll make some special figgy pudding for them with a little help from the ox and lamb.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day.
We're off to a good start, but then we have,
In Bethlehem, in Israel
This blessed Babe was born
And laid within a manger
Upon this blessed morn
The which His Mother Mary
Did nothing take in scorn
Why do they have to call the Mother of God a witch? It’s tough enough being a virgin while married to Joseph with his big toenails and food in his beard at seventeen without being bullied in song as well.
Silent Night
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
'Round yon virgin Mother and Child
Mary just gave birth in a barn with no help from medical personnel, not even a midwife, and they body shame her? I often wonder if years after Jesus was born some of the people in the inn upon hearing the manger story checked their receipts to discover that they had a room.
All I Want for Christmas Is You
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree...
Santa Claus won't make me happy...
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas
Is you
This tune is downright frightening. After one sweaty night, fueled by too much Boon's Farm Extra Strawberry wine, this dude fatally attracted a lunatic stalker.
Oh, I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
Good idea! You wait right there under the mistletoe while I invite a few friends in white coats over for some figgy pudding.
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need?
Won't you please bring my baby to me?
Something tells me this is one wish Santa is going to steer clear of. I doubt the Big Man would be a party to kidnapping a dude then dropping him off at someone's house wrapped in duct tape.
Holly Jolly Christmas
Oh, ho, the mistletoe
Is hung where you can see
Somebody waits for you
Kiss her once for me
Better ask first.
O Christmas Tree
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
How lovely are thy branches
Not so lovely after being dumped on the side of the road two days after Christmas when the needles have all fell off. This song is a celebration of deforestation.
Winter Wonderland
Later on, we'll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we've made
Walking in a winter wonderland
Sounds like to me they’re planning a heist at the local credit union.
In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he's a circus clown
No thank you! The last thing we need is a frozen mime roaming the neighborhood robbing banks.
Santa Baby
Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree for me...
Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue...
Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot...
Santa honey one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine...
Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks
Sign your 'x' on the line...
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany
This tune captures the true meaning of Christmas, stuff.
Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
Since his nose is red he could have COVID.
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Rudolph must be in middle school.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Where was Santa when Rudolph was being bullied by the other reindeer?
Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You'll go down in history"
And history will remember all of the other reindeer as a bunch of assholes. Rudolph should have told Santa,
“Guide your own sleigh fat boy.”
Editor's Note: Originally posted on December 11, 2018.
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