Gym Resolution

I hate this time of year. Not because of the cold or any after holiday depression. Not because leaves keep filling up the nooks around my house or because movies suck in the winter. I hate this time of year because my local gym is filled with people who are certain that this year they'll finally fulfill their New Years resolution to regularly exercise. Now, attending a gym is a good thing. God knows Americans are overweight. There's nothing more important than staying fit especially as one gets on in years.

I've been a gym rat for most of my life. I would like to tell you that I started out with a 110 pound, concrete filled vinyl weight set in my basement when I was 12 because I came from a fit family, but that wasn't the case. My story was one of those times when strife brought about strength. I don't mind sharing my gym with people wishing to live a healthful lifestyle. It's never too late to turn over a new leaf even if they collect in the corners where no one goes.

The other day a woman and her personal trainer was wandering about the gym, searching for a five pound plate. I was between sets on the incline bench.

"Here is one!" she exclaimed as she slid the plate off my bar.

"'I'm using that," I said.

"No you're not. You're just sitting there," she reasoned.

In between sets, I usually take very little time, less than ten seconds. I like to move things along. I learned this from watching Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron back in the '70's. Arnold talked about achieving the "pump" which is when your muscles fill with blood as you work out. Sitting around for too long between sets is a common amateur workout mistake. In the brief moment that I was resting, a woman started swiping the plates I was using.

"Don't take any weights already on a bar," her trainer instructed.

A contemporary rule in the gym is to ask to take an unused plate off a piece of equipment that someone is on. In my day, plates on holding pegs were fair game. One time, a dude ripped me a new orifice for doing that. It's kind of like having to ask the person behind you on an airplane if you can recline your seat. Now, I had a noob taking plates from my bar between sets. At least the instructor interceded with sound gym ettiquette.

Many people sit on exercise equipment and flick through their phones. It's particularly annoying when that machine or bench is the only one in the gym. Yesterday, I watched a dude cluelessly wander the gym with his bulky headphones, only to come to rest on the only incline bench available. He sat their reading for what seemed like ten minutes, then he just got up and left. He could have done that in the bathroom where he might have actually accomplished something.

Hip Abductor

A lot of gym noobs make up there own exercises. I'm not sure what this guy is doing. Once I saw a woman on a hip abductor machine. She was standing facing the seat, that is, backwards with her knees on the pads. As she tried to closes her legs, a passing instructor stopped to show her how to do the exercise properly. The patron went on at length explaining how standing in reverse was actually "way better." This guy is dumbbell pressing on a leg press machine. That's either some next level full body workout shit or a total knucklehead move.

Many gym newbies who survive the longest in the gym during the year usually gravitate to big muscle exercises because they can use a lot of weight. When the focus becomes how much you lift over good form, injury usually puts an end to weightlifting. Deadlifting is a particular exercise that causes controversy in the gym, mainly from people dropping the weight or screaming while exerting. Dropping the weight on the last rep (#2) is a tactic used to call attention to one's self. There's plenty of YouTube videos of people puking while deadlifting. When you start honking up yesterday's protein drink, you're using too much weight. This guy hemorrhages from his nose. Granted these dudes are experienced gym patrons who are going for a "heavy." There's a lot of videos on YouTube of people squatting too much weight. Then there is my favorite, the butt off the seat bench press.

Another bonehead gym behavior is to "introduce" a heavier weight to push the envelop. Most workout partners of mine advocated this cartilage crushing, ligament loosening practice of slapping on a weight you want to lift, but really can't handle just yet. The goal is one or two reps with a lot of help from a spotter. Most end up like this guy, who breaks his leg.

I'm sure I piss off many people at the gym too. For example, I never wipe down the equipment I use even though there are signs advising to do so to minimize the spread of germs. The reason I pass on this activity in favor of using gloves which I routinely wash is that wiping with a paper towel, doused with disinfectant, really does next to nothing. Well, that's not true. It eats up more trees. The way I figure it in just one more week, half the patrons of my gym will likely give up.

I'll miss the entertainment certainly more than the company.