What Did Bush Say to Obama?

Recently five former presidents gathered at Texas A&M University for a hurricane relief concert. During President Clinton’s speech, Bush leaned over to Obama and said something which cracked Obama up. Obama did his best not to chuckle, but things are generally funnier when you're not supposed to laugh. Having been raised a Catholic, I’ve been in that situation many times before.

Years ago when I was in middle school, we were discussing the Apostle Peter’s denial of Jesus after the crucifixion. My friend, Dean, looked to me and whispered,

“Jesus who?”

I immediately started smirking, then I said to Dean,

“The only Jesus I know does my car detailing.”

Dean burst out busting both of us. Sister Mary Artifact marched to the back of the room and smacked Dean on the back of the head. She sent me to stand in the front of the room in a corner with my back to the class. This wasn't a good idea. In the back, I was disruptive to only my immediate neighbors. Up in the front of the class, I had an audience. I stood up there and pretended to smoke my pencil which caused a few of my classmates to laugh. I pulled paper out the wastepaper basket which I mock read with astonishment. I discovered a small milk carton in the trashcan which I pretended to guzzle. Whenever Sister Mary wasn't looking I would turn and face the class and mouth her words as she spoke intently. When Sister Mary ventured to the back of the class to swat the closest chuckling classmate, I exclaimed,

"Biggus Dickus."

Now, if you haven't seen Monty Python's Life of Brian then stop reading and go watch it now. The scene in which Caesar, played by Michael Palin, explains to a centurion, played by John Cleese, that his friend "Biggus Dickus" had a wife named "Incontinetia Buttocks" used to make us laugh uncontrollably every time. Palin's lisp made it all that much funnier. The nuns considered the Life of Brian blasphemous so naturally we all watched the movie the first chance we got. The roman guards trying not to laugh was a familiar scenario for Catholic school kids. Most of us took a beating for laughing at some point during our Catholic education.

When Obama tried not to laugh at Bush's comments, the look on Bush's face was all too familiar to my middle school mind. As I watched the video, I came up with this list of top ten possible Bush comments that made Obama laugh.

1. Would he just die already.
   
2. Hey, Barack, pull my finger.
3. I wonder which of us use Boll & Branch sheets?
   
4. Where's Puerto Rico?
   
5. You hear Carter wants to help Trump? And to think, Larry Flynt is trying to stick it up 45’s ass.
   
6. Hillary wanted to come, but she didn’t get the email in time.
   
7. Is he introducing Harvey Weinstein?
   
8. You think Carter will make it to the end?
   
9. Beyoncé had the best video of all time
   
10. We’re all gonna get matching tats after this.

When Bush started smirking and Obama smiling, I couldn't shake the feeling that Sister Mary Artifact was going to emerge from the crowd and shuffle across the stage. She'd crack Obama in the head and send Bush to stand in the corner. Of course, in my day, Sister Mary was a thousand years old so its not likely she's still around, but you never know. Sister Mary wasn't the picture of health in 1976. She was pear shaped, and for some reason she was always coughing up phlegm. I was never molested or anything like that during my eight years of Catholic education, but I was smacked in the head more times than I care to remember.

Either way, something tells me that Bush is going to keep the laughs coming.

Hollywood Ending



Abe

When I finally got around to watching the movie, Lincoln, I was certain I was in for a spellbinding journey. Directed by Stephen Spielberg, the film garnished a best actor Oscar and Golden Globe for Daniel Day Lewis. Lewis also received the Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance as well as many other accolades. I enjoy movies about the past for the difficulty in weaving a compelling story in amongst historical facts.



During the tense scene depicting the vote on the Thirteenth Amendment which abolished slavery in this country, I noted early on that the delegates from Connecticut voted against the bill. I never knew my home state was on the wrong side during this pivotal time in our country's sordid past. Growing up, my teachers always told us that all six New England states ratified the Thirteenth Amendment.

I didn't even wait to leave the theatre before I googled this earthshattering event that went against everything I was taught in grade school. I quickly discovered that all four Connecticut delegates voted in favor of ending slavery. The same reaction perplexed Congressman Joe Courtney from Connecticut, who rifled a letter to Spielberg requesting that the error be corrected.

In response screenwriter, Tony Kushner, explained that Lincoln was a historical drama, not a historical documentary, and as such many elements like conversations and ancillary characters were fictious. Apparently, Kushner erroneously believed that the vote proceeded alphabetically according to state, and Connecticut being early in the alphabet, needed to vote against the Thirteenth Amendment to create tension. The filmmakers wanted to convey the concept that the bill barely passed. Actually the voting proceeds in order of the number of delegates in each state and not alphabetically. Apparently, the historical consultants on the film were not, well, historically consulted.

It's always been okay to change historical facts for a Hollywood makeover as long as doing so yields a better story than ordinary reality. It did get me thinking about a lot of films which would have been better if the story followed a more cinematographic theme rather than the boring truth. So here are a few popular films which could have benefitted from some literary license.

The Martian

This film was widely touted as a technically accurate portrayal of space travel, but unfortunately it contained significant errors. First off, the Martian atmosphere is 1% as thick as that on earth so it's unlikely that a storm on Mars could pick up a human in a spacesuit and fling him so far that his buds can't find his hapless carcass. The storm was the basis for Mark Watney's mishap that led to his stranding. Sometimes techno geeks criticize science fiction films for esoteric anomalies like satellites orbiting in the wrong direction, the sound of explosions in space or the wrong constellations in a scene. I think you can punt on some of these things, but not on the basis for conflict in a story. The main plot elements should be grounded in real science, not science fiction. The Martian astronauts also didn't appear to be affected by the 1/3 gravity on the planet as well.
 

 

The movie could have been made more compelling if Matt was stranded on Mars with a chimpanzee named "Chim-Chim." Even though The Martian won a Golden Globe for Best Comedy, it would have been actually funny if a monkey other than Damon was in the film. A lot of Hollywood flicks include an animal for comic relief. The 1964 movie, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, included a monkey named Mona, which was adorable in her little spacesuit, complete with tiny helmet.

Chim-Chim in The Martian could have saved Matt Damon from certain death as the monkey sacrificed himself when warding off an attack of alien lizard-like predators that lay eggs in your stomach, which explode, flinging guts and blood everywhere when they hatch. You know, something never done before.
 

Gravity

This film also deviated from scientific facts, but the mishap is certainly possible, that is, a catastrophic collision and disintegration of satellites orbiting the earth bring calamity to shuttle astronauts. Space debris whips around the earth at spectacular speeds. The movie implied that the Russians fucked up somehow when they shot down a defunct satellite with a missile and caused the chain reaction, the so called Kessler syndrome, which sets the plot in motion.

Clooney's character, endlessly jabbering veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski, who sounds more like a bowling buddy than a seasoned astronaut, commands his last mission as he buzzes around in a Extravehicular Mobility Unit which seems to have an endless supply of fuel. Clooney senselessly flies around like a kid on a playground even though extravehicular activity is usually not the job of the mission commander. Amusement abounds as Phaldult Sharma jumps for joy yanking his tether, as he succeeds with a repair procedure on the Hubble telescope. I'm no astronaut, but I would guess that normal operating procedures don't involve testing the fidelity of a rope in space. Clooney also almost loses a screw from the Hubble telescope. This doesn't happen either as fasteners are often mechanically attached to their panel to keep space junk out of orbit. After the cataclysmic collision, Clooney rescues Bullock, but later runs out of fuel in his mobility unit. I'll bet he wished he didn't zoom around like an ass wipe in the opening scene.  

The scene in which Saundra Bullock was attempting to communicate with some foreign dude on earth, and she hears a baby crying as well as a dog barking always disappoints me. For what seems like an exorbitant amount of time, a talented and beautiful actress is wasted by howling like a dog for no logical reason. Obviously she can't communicate with a foreigner which limits the possible dialog. Bullock's character lost her only child in a tragic playground accident, which leads me to believe she would have focused on the child crying in lieu of the barking dog.

Gravity was written and directed by Alfonso Cuaron, the same guy who did the riveting film, Children of Men, my all time favorite flick. In the latter movie, the human race is inexplicably unable to conceive, and the world unravels in the absence of children. A young teenager becomes the only woman on the planet to give birth in two decades. Factions attempt to kidnap the baby as their symbol of their organization. During one dramatic scene, a rebel is pinned down by gun fire. As bullets ricochet above his head, he says,

"I was carrying the baby up the stairs. He started crying. I've forgotten what they look like. They're so beautiful. So tiny."

I thought for sure when I heard the baby cry in Gravity that Cuaron would have had Bullock's character say something similar about the beautiful sound of a child crying as heard by a mother who suffered such an unbearable loss. It would have been an appropriate nod to his other magnanimous film. Instead we got the dog barking scene. Oh, well.

When Clooney was being dragged away from Bullock only to release himself to save her, the up close and personal sacrifice made for a very dramatic scene. Problem is that there was no basis in physics as to why Clooney was being pulled away. All Bullock had to do is tug on the tether and Clooney would've drifted to her. You can't kill off a protagonist with convenient science. I would have had a monkey named "Chim-Chim" at the controls of a robotic arm, snatch Bullock from her perilous predicament. Clooney, who never got along with Chim-Chim, would've been swatted into oblivion by the same robotic appendage. The monkey gives Clooney the finger as he sails by the window.

Titanic

I liked this movie, but why did the ship have to sink? It was fun watching Cal chase Rose and Jack about the decks, popping off shots at them as they scurried about. The whole ship sinking gimmick was a bit of a distraction. In fact, with a little editing, the film could have been turned into a rom-com.
 

The ending when Rose tosses the "Heart of the Ocean" necklace into the sea never made any sense to me. After Rose finds herself a survivor on the deck of RMS Carpathia, alone in the rain and cut off from her wealthy friends and family, she gives her name as "Rose Dawson" before she discovers the jewels in Cal's coat. The ending scene includes a collage of pictures of Rose on horseback in Egypt, flying a biplane, deep sea fishing, all the things Jack would've done if he had any money. I figured Rose did all these things after she hocked Cal's coat and the diamond. I'm not sure how Rose paid for all these adventures as an uneducated woman in 1912. I would have had Rose use the money from the gem to become the first female astrophysicist instead of some bimbo bouncing around the planet. Rose says,

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets."

The only secret I want to know is how she weathered World War I and the Great Depression while travelling the globe on perpetual vacation.

Saving Private Ryan

This film should have followed the revisionist history movies like Inglorious Basterd and Django Unchained which fulfill our desires to rewrite history. The former movie portrayed a white guy assembling a Jewish guerrilla group who whaled on the Nazis, including scalping SS officers, and ultimately assassinate Hitler. The latter was about a black gunslinger who shot white slave owners. I think if Private Ryan was a full fledged trans soldier who was completely accepted by his army buddies in 1945, the film would have been a real groundbreaker.

Pearl Harbor

Another movie that would have been better as a comedy. Perhaps a small, ragtag group of GIs defend the entire island against the invading Japanese. There would be a wisecracking dude bro from the Bronx, an ivy leaguer from Connecticut, a rough and tough sergeant with a good heart, and two comic relief goofballs, Minnesota Bear, who wears his ball cap up turned, and Gooz who has a pet rat. The constant companion to the main protagonist, Rafe, played by Ben Affleck, is a monkey named "Chim-Chim" who seized the controls of his airplane when Rafe is knocked unconscious. Chim-Chim shoots down several Japanese zeroes before Rafe regains consciousness.

Apollo 13

The riveting true story of astronauts, Jim Lovell, Jack Swigert, and Fred Haise and their ill fated trip to the moon had many tense scenes involving NASA geeks trying to figure things out with slide rulers. It was a testament to the can-do attitude of Americans that I sometimes think is lost to the millennial generation, who are always popping 5-Hour Energy every time they have to do something physical.

The story would have been more compelling if the three astronauts were accompanied by a monkey named "Chim-Chim" who saved the crew when he seized the controls and stabilized the cripple capsule. Lovell and Chim-Chim perform a difficult extravehicular activity (EVA) to repair the damaged spacecraft only to have Chim-Chim dragged away by an unseen force that only affects him. He sacrifices himself by uncoupling then casting off his tether. As he drifts away, Chim-Chim flips Lovell the bird.

Blog of One

This post marks the end of my blog. I agreed to write twice a week for a year. I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep it up, but I did. Initially, I thought I would run out of ideas after a month, but they kept rolling in. With 104 posts, over 25,000 page views and a bit over 30 subscribers, I think I can say that it was an enjoyable run. I wrote this blog to sharpen my skills as a humor writer, and now I'm tasked with completing a comedy script I've been toying for a few years now. Thank you, for the kind comments. I had a lot of support from friends and family who said things like,
"You write a blog? Where?"

Throwback of Aidan, Me
and William

"I haven't read the last three months."

"You swear too much."

"That last post was stupid."

My wife, Christine, who is often the subject of many posts along with our boys, Aidan and William, have been the editor and first line readers, respectfully. They are my closest advisors who let me know when I've gone too far and occasionally not far enough. They are all the very best of everything in my life.

I'll likely return to Blog of One in the near future after my latest project is brought to a close. It's been fun and educational. I've learned many things, but one thing is for sure.

I haven't a clue what makes people laugh.

America's Got Tragedy

After twelve seasons, I've finally got around to watching yet another talent show. Simon Cowell produces America's Got Talent (AGT), which is thankfully devoid of the nut job highlights so prominently featured on other talent shows like American Idol. Who can forget William Hung's rounded rendition of the Ricky Martin smash hit "She Bang." Or the sagging protest anthem "Pants on the Ground" by Larry Platt. Or Season Seven's white fur hat wearing Renaldo Lapuz's sensitive original "We're Brothers Forever."

William Hung

American Idol routinely dedicated a lot of air time spotlighting the performances of various talentless people. I hated sitting through their fifteen minutes of fame. Luckily, Cowell didn't port this feature to AGT. Instead he copied another often used tactic to garnish favor from American audiences, the tragic story.

After cordial introductions many of the contestants launch into the details that brought them to sing, play the piano or juggle flaming bowling pins, a family member's Stage 5 colon cancer or their own struggles with physical disability. One contestant sang an original song after going completely deaf, another's father was battling the big C. Still yet, a woman who survived a fiery plane crash in her native Nigeria only to be tragically scarred, sang Ed Sheridan's "Thinking Out Loud."



America loves an underdog. Not only did all these acts receive a standing ovation, a few reigned in the coveted golden buzzer, the gimmicky techno beeline to the live show. The young lady, Evie Clair, who tearfully sang for her dad during his chemo treatments, and the nine year old singer, Angelica Hale, who survived a kidney transplant when she was four years old, (she got the kidney from her mother), both got the golden buzzer. It's not that I didn't find their stories compelling. It's just that without their tragic tale of overcoming hardship many of their performances were mediocre at best. Marisa McKaye, the soft spoken and humble 12 year old girl didn't retell a gut wrenching story before she played her guitar and sang. She was sent packing by Heidi during the judges cuts. After thanking the judges, McKaye sweetly said as she fought back tears,

"It's okay."

She would be in the finals if her little brother had died of Spontaneous Human Combustion. McKaye showed a level of maturity and poise not seen among many of the other, older contestants.

Sara & Hero

Take the case of Sara Carson and Hero, the trained dog. When we first met Carson, she talked about how shy she was from all the bullying she endured in school. She credits Hero with saving her life. Her pirate themed act involved prancing about the stage while the dog jumped through her legs. They appeared to be fighting each other as the dog took her sword in his mouth and jumped about on its hind quarters. Mell B and Howie were not impressed as Carson crumbled into a ball with her dog and sobbed. Heidi liked the act as did Cowell, who went up on stage to argue a case that Howie should change his vote. The audience was clearly 100% behind Carson because in America a healthy dog trumps a human cancer victim every time. Howie wisely acquiesced because as the show's producer, Cowell's his boss.

Colton &Trent Edwards

There are other strange phenomena occurring on AGT that I'm not able to understand. Take the case of singing, dancing duo, Colton and Trent Edwards, who call themselves "Mirror Image," taking a cue from their mirror twin status. A mirror is just what Colton and Trent need in the Edwards home. Not only do they suck as singers, their dancing is so bad that it's embarrassing, times two, to watch them flutter about the stage. I'm not sure which one said this so I'll just say the left one exclaimed,

"The world is our oyster, and we are its pearls!"

This is what happens to millennials with snowplow parents, constantly telling them that they're special snowflakes. They go onto a syndicated, national television show and make permanent fools of themselves. I feel bad for the Edwards twins. I have a few surviving pictures of my long hair days, "parted in the middle and feathered on the sides." There's also a shot of me in a shiny celery suit my mother borrowed from her friend who's son wore it when he graduated in 1971. I got to wear it when I went to honors night in the early '80's. I didn't know at the time how foolish I looked in the outdated suit. That was a long time ago, but I still wince whenever I see that picture.

Darcy Callus

The Edwards twins, through the magic of the internet, will be able to relive their cringe worthy performance on AGT for the rest of their life. How these two snuck past the judges cut is beyond me. I must have missed the fine print which states that a quirky, questionable act beats out a tragic story. The Edwards twins even trounced Darcy Callus, who sang and played the piano.

Callus made the mistake of not coming up with a sob story like his beloved cat, Tinkles, choked on a monster hairball on the way to the hospital to be treated for a terminal case of feline leukemia. Instead he just came out and did his thing. I'm no musician, but I thought Callus did great. Cowell said his performance wasn't as good as the first, then sent him packing.

Something happened to Simon after his best friend's wife gave birth to Cowell' son. He actually mellowed. This happened to my wife, Christine, as well, except that because I don't have any friends, the baby was mine. Before we had our children, Christine was a tough as nails, straight talking, businesswoman. Years ago, we were watching American Idol when some little girl melted down while singing.

"Poor kid," I exclaimed.

Christine launched, "You want to be a professional singer, you have to suck it up, overcome the nerves and soldier though the pain. You can't start blubbering on national TV."

I think I saw out of the corner of my eye, Christine draw a line across her neck with her index finger as she made a cutting noise. At the time, I didn't know I married Anita the Hun. After she gave birth to our first son, Aidan, we were watching the show when the same thing happened. A kid started to mess up on stage. I looked at Christine as she said,

"Why doesn't someone help that poor boy? He's pouring his heart out up there. That's somebodies baby, you know."

I think the kid was like 22 or something. Anyway, Cowell has gone soft, and it's reflected in AGT. I miss the old Simon. The cocky Brit who'd spit out Coke while trying not to laugh at some dude ruining a perfectly good Ricky Martin song. I don't know where AGT is going, but I'll see it through to the end.

At least they cut that chicken that played the piano.

Crisis in Nevada, Not Enough Pot

I ❤️ Nevada

Recently, the Governor of Nevada has declared a state of emergency due to the severe shortage in recreational marijuana. Less than a week after going on sale following legalization in November, officials underestimated the number of potheads in the state leading to the massive shortfall.

The Nevada Tax Commission issued the following statement,

"Based on reports of adult-use marijuana sales already far exceeding the industry’s expectations at the state’s 47 licensed retail marijuana stores, and the reality that many stores are running out of inventory, the Department must address the lack of distributors immediately."

The problem started when the transportation of ganja was given exclusively to alcohol distributors in accordance with state law and the Mafia. The alcohol distributors were not able to keep up with the high demand. The state legislature is voting on an emergency provision which would allow distributors of medical weed to backfill in response to the severe shortage. They're also considering allowing a guy named "Lil' Monty" to help out since he's uniquely qualified to meet the growing demand.

"I got hookup on 'dis shit, solid gold, foe as many peeps as you want. Nome wat I sayin'?" said Monty.

The liquor wholesalers were taken completely off guard by the sheer volume of reefer sales. Jimmy "Socks" Scalise said,

"Madonne! These guys want cronic, you know, da good stuff. No schwag for these chooches."

The shortage of Mary Jane has reached crisis proportions since sales began last week. Spokesperson for the Department of Taxation, Stephanie Klapstein, said,

"The business owners in this industry have invested hundreds of millions of dollars to build facilities across the state. They have hired and trained thousands of additional employees... Unless the issue... is resolved quickly, the inability to deliver product to retail stores will result in many of these people losing their jobs and will bring this nascent market to a grinding halt. A halt in this market will lead to a hole in the state’s school budget."

A state imposed 15% "cultivation tax" on recreational bud goes toward schools much like the proceed for gaming in Atlantic City was supposed to support public education. State officials plan to backfill the budgetary hole with funds for medication alotted to low income seniors and from the Head Start Program.

An unnamed Nevadan official said,

"Nevada is the only state in which paying for a piece of ass is legal and regulated so it's no surprise that we'll lead the country into recreational pot smoking. If schools are impacted by budgetary constraints, superfluous programs like STEM will be cut to save gym. It's about priorities."

It's important to keep the gambling community well supplied with booze, ass and now pot in order to fuel the state economy. Next year, Nevadans will vote on a statewide referendum to legalizing money laundering to help the slumping economy.

Once Again, Not Invited to Taytay's Party

Taylor Swift's RI Beachfront House

A few years ago, Taylor Swift purchased a stately home, built in the 1930's on a rocky bluff a short distance from the town beach that we frequent every summer. The house was once owned by someone associated with a ballet troupe. I remember when I was a kid seeing ballerinas practicing on the lawn. Not much changed with the house since it's most famous owner took it over. There's more security. The stone wall, holding back the sea, was shored up. The house survived the 1938 hurricane on top the rocky bluff. The hurricane wiped out most dwellings in the area. It significantly altered the lay of land to this day.

For years, we've watched fireworks from the beach adjacent to the old house on the hill. I'm not sure who foots the bill for the event on the fourth which is launched from a barge anchored in the ocean. The reflection off the surface of the sea is always a wonderful spectacle.

Taylor Swift's annual Fourth of July party is now a major event for the area. Important people from Hollywood, the music industry, as well as models descend onto the area. A lot of people who go by one name attend Taytay's party. One time, Lourde walked by us on the beach. Another time we waited in line for some ice cream with Austin, Taylor's brother.

We never talk to celebs when we run into them. Once in Times Square, I rounded a corner while carrying my then three year old son, Aidan, on my shoulders as we ran into Ryan Seacrest and a handler. In no time, we were surrounded by a horde of people. I felt like we were at a Who concert. It was very scary as we were swept in any direction the crowd moved. I recall Seacrest reaching out to save a small girl from being trampled. It was very frightening. After that, I swore off celebrity encounters. Too dangerous. Even so, every year, my invitation to the Swift USA Birthday Bash gets lost in the mail. Well, not mine, mind you. I'm nobody, but my wife, Christine, and my son, Aidan, are very early Swift fans. They go back to 2008 with Love Story. I know that doesn't make them fan zero, but it still is nearly a decade of dedication.

Each year, I tell Christine to practice her open mouth smile. Aidan knows how to do that two finger, one thumb, one handed sign language thing that, I think, means "love" which all the rappers do. You have to shake your hand back and forth in minute oscillations to get the right affect. William, our youngest, has become a Swiftie by osmosis. Admittedly, I didn't get onboard until 1989, the album not the year.

Every year, I assure my wife that we'll magically get an invite, but it never happens. Christine reminds me that we're local nobodies, not even in her fan club. I remind her that we're in her fan base, the people who actually pay for her music. She tells me that we're musically talentless, non actors, who are on a runway only when sitting in an airplane. We have no tattoos, no claim to fame.

I guess Christine is right. We operate in different circles. Taylor Swift and her crew fly in the stratosphere, and we're salt of the earth kind of people. The only person who is friends with Taytay which I would want to meet is Lena Dunham. She's a real genius writer. Dunham always seems like she's on the fringe of Taylor Swift's squad. I saw the picture of her standing with Taylor and all her supermodel friends and thought,

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

"One of these things is not like the others."

It's probably for the best. I don't think Ryan Reynolds and I would have anything to talk about other than my wife's sister-in-law's niece was in one of the Van Wilder films. I would also probably piss off Ed Sheeran since I find his new song, The Shape of You, irritating. He comes off a little on the surface for me in that tune. Middle aged woman gush when Ed Sheeran is mentioned. The dude gives hope to gingers all over the world. I read that tattoo artists love gingers because of their fair complexion, and Ed has really colored up his skin. Along with the orange hair and the colorful tats, he's a walking Crayola crayon box.

I think Selena Gomez is better off without The Bieber. She's cranking out some real good tunes like It Ain't Me and Bad Liar. Not that Bieber's a bad guy. I kind of like him. He just needs to decompress, and refrain from urinating on people's stuff. You have to remember, the dude grew up in a messed up household without a father. He'll work it out someday. My biggest regret is that my wife and I have a real penchant for old houses. But, once again, we weren't invited.

This is as close as we got.







Maybe next year.

A Free Society

The Slants

The boy band, The Slants, recently won a landmark case in the Supreme Court reaffirming their fundamental rights granted by the First Amendment. For eight years, the Portland based rock group has been trying to trademark their band name which was ruled a racial slur by the Patent and Trademark Office, in accordance with the 1946 Lanham Act which prevents trademarking "scandalous, immoral or disparaging" language. The odd part in this saga is that the word "slant"  has been trademarked millions of times. The reason the band couldn't use the word was because they were Asian.

Band founder, Simon Tam, chose the name to usurp a derogatory word for Asians in attempts to change the meaning like the colonists did with the song, Yankee Doodle. British troops sang the tune to disparage American soldiers as macaronies, which were men who dressed fashionably and spoke in an effeminate manner in an attempt to appear noble. The colonists took the song as their own and sang it with pride, turning the tables on dandy shaming. In fact, the tune is the Connecticut state song.

Some people feel institutions have a responsibility to provide protections against hate speech while others think that the government should not censure any language. The Washington Redskins have been battling groups, opposed to their name, logo and mascot, who feel the label denigrates Native Americans. A recent poll by the Washington Post indicated that nine out of ten Native Americans are not offended by the football team's name. The results mirrored the same conclusions obtained in a 2004 poll by the Annenberg Public Policy Center.

Institutionalized censorship is most widespread in public schools which often site the safety of the students as justification. The courts feel that minors are not capable of absorbing differing opinions so they censure students across the board. Recently, the valedictorian of a high school in Pennsylvania, Peter Butera, was stifled during his commencement speech when he got off script. Butera said,

"Despite some of the outstanding people in our school, a lack of real student government combined with the authoritative attitude that a few teachers, administrators and board members have prevented students from truly developing as true leaders."

Butera's microphone was shut off, cutting short his speech. This was not censorship rooted in safety. It was suppression based on disagreement. According to a recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, forty percent of millennials believe that offensive speech about minorities should be prevented by law. The First Amendment specifically protects speech that people might find offensive. It's not the job of the government to protect us from what we might not want to hear or see. This is why Saint Patrick Day Parades are forced to admit a Gay Pride or a Nazi themed float. It's up to us to decide how we will react to the words we hear and the images we see, not the government.

Recently, the attorney general of California blocked state funded travel to Kentucky, Texas, Alabama and South Dakota in response to what he considers laws enacted in each state that he feels disparage LGBT groups. There are many exceptions to the ban, mainly affecting "non essential travel." One person in the California government is deciding that all state workers will be denied funding for their "boondoggle" out of office trip to Texas. This in California, a state that voted against gay marriage in 2008 on a state wide referendum known as Proposition 8.

We're seemingly always at a divide in this country. Political parties will never find common ground due to diametrically opposing fundamentals. The left believes the rich should pay more taxes. They say that the "one percenters" need to fork over their "fair share," implying that these people are somehow avoiding income tax. Mark J. Perry, a professor of economics and finance for the University of Michigan, siting 2010 IRS data, stated,

 "The top 1% of taxpayers pay almost as much in federal income tax as the entire bottom 95%, and half of that bottom group paid no taxes at all."

Upwards to 40% of tax payers get more money back from the government than they pay in through the Earned Income Credit (EIC) program. The rich who are avoiding taxes are the 0.01 percenters, that is, Warren Buffet and Mitt Romney, who realize most of their income as capitol gains which is taxed at far lower rates.

The right believes in smaller government with less regulations except when it comes to what consenting adults do in their bedroom or women do with their bodies. They believe the government should let market forces guide corporations even though in the past children worked in factories six days a week, companies broke up strikes with armed mercenaries, offered no sick nor vacation time, and often provided places of work that were so dangerous that worker died on a regular basis.

What we need is a new political philosophy not rooted in either party, but one based on the Constitution. While the cornerstone of our system of government is the First Amendment, the foundation is based on freedom. My political philosophy is,

A free society is a permissible society.

Any time legislation is purposed to restrict behavior, it should be rejected on the basis that a free society is an unfettered society. The government allowing abortion is not supporting killing unborn children. It's supporting freedom of choice. The job of preventing abortions should be left to religious organizations and activists. Access to guns should not be restricted. Reducing the clip size of a weapon supports the notion that a few deaths is better than many. If someone kills people with a screwdriver, should we ban that too? What we need is real commitment to paying for sound mental health in this country instead of letting HMOs criminalize psychological disorders because it's cheaper for them to let the prison system deal with the mentally ill.

Politicians often seek binary issues like flag burning to help bifurcate the vote. If we adopt a stance that most of what our legislators are debating about is none of their business, maybe the country can move onto more important and difficult issues. For example, same sex marriage provides a means to clarify the law and in a free society, what people do with whom is essentially none of the government's business. Local governments tie revenue to property taxes vesting them in the upkeep of your property. This has resulted in town statutes concerning lawn mowing and house repair. Fundamentally, this has removed your right to maintain your property to your own standard. A free society should not evaluate restrictions based on utilitarian aspects, but instead allow you to do what you choose. You think the house you live in is yours. Try not cutting your lawn and see what happens.

Some countries allow drug use and prostitution, but these governments don't promote these activities. Instead, they allow them while making them inconvenient to access. We should do the same with cigarettes. It shouldn't be illegal to smoke, just illegal to profit from the sale of cigarettes. If you want to smoke, you would have to join a farmer's co-op that grew tobacco and manufactured cigarettes for its members. By making cigarette's available, but inconvenient, the number of new smokers would be dramatically curtailed. The tobacco companies would never let this happen. They have too much money and power to let anything disrupt their business model.

The attorney general in California has no business refusing funds to state workers traveling to places that he perceives as unfriendly to a particular community. Not only is this not a law, it is likely that most Californians would not support this overreaching advocacy policy if it was put on referendum. This should never happen in a free society.

Sometimes, I hear people talk about liberty as if it's something tangible as in,

 "We have a lot of freedoms here."

In general, we enjoy freedom of movement, although Arizona inland border patrol are stopping people at the state border and asking them if they are citizens. Such immigration checkpoints depend heavily on people not understanding their basic constitutional rights. Most of our "freedoms" are being quietly eroded by restrictive legislation established by overreaching government entities. It's not the job of the government to protect ourselves from ourselves. In 1961 during his inaugural address, John F. Kennedy famously said,

"Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."

Today, with celebrities talking about blowing up the White House and assassinating the president, we should say,

"Ask not what you should do to the government. Ask what the government should not do to you."

Natural Selection

Thrice Wolves and Moon

My namesake uncle hates dogs. He also boycotts Wal-Mart for being on the top of the Fortune 500 heap all while historically providing limited benefits to their workforce. This has led to my favorite "blue moon" line frequently recited at family gatherings,

"I'll do that when Uncle Bob buys a dog at Wal-Mart."

Just when you'd think the country's love affair with canines couldn't get any stranger, I read an article in a local newspaper which suggested that on Mother's Day we should recognize dogs that gave birth. As a society, we're against cruelty to animals, but are we really? We swipe their children at birth, rip the testicles out of the males, perform hysterectomies on the females, then leave a pack animal alone in a crate while we go to work. All this by people who claim to be dog lovers?

Oprah took a picture with a woman and her two dogs in a stroller on Mother's Day. She uploaded it to Instagram with the comments,

"Jill and her fur children. #Happy Mothers day to Mothers of all varieties of children!"

Now, I'm not one to equate children and pets, and I especially don't like it when the childless do so. Pets are not children. First off, if the cost of treatment becomes excessive, no one ever suggests putting down a child. It's not normal to chain a child to a tree, leaving a metal bowl full of water while we go off to work all day. We also don't queue up another child when the eldest gets old. A lot of people employ this "dog on deck" strategy when their main pooch is ready to check out. You also don't get worms or giardia from your children. Some people believe that dogs suffer from ADHD, but I believe that dogs just don't have a long attention span because, well, they're dogs.

Dog's bark all day because as pack animals they don't want to be alone. I think it's cruel to crate a dog indoors or chain it to a tree. Just because your dog is happy to see you at the end of the day doesn't mean it's not affected by solitary confinement. I find barking dogs both sad and irritating. Nature has lent me a hand with noisy, unattended dogs. People who tie their dog to a tree then go to work for the day have found that this is not a safe practice when living close to nature. The problem is when you live up against a nature preserve, nature sometimes pays you a visit, and nature can be heartless. Some nature found its way into my neighbor's yard and ate Dinkles the Dog for dinner. My neighbors came home to a skeleton tied to a tree.

Once a neighbor introduced himself to us with a dog in tow, a friendly lab who in the middle of the introduction squatted to take a dump on my lawn. When he finished his business, he did that cat scratch thing to cover his tracks, but all he managed to do is mess up my grass. I thought as a human I should try this. You know, go over to someone's house to introduce my family,

"Hi, I'm Bob. This is my wife, Chris. Our boys, Aidan and William. I'm gonna shit on your lawn now."

Then bring out the Nutella fun factory. First impressions are so important.

After the dog finished pinching, he got bored and started to clean himself. Dogs have no shame. They groom their bits and pieces. They ride your leg. They indiscriminately crap. Anything goes for a dog. Nature is a big party in which the strongest gets to shit on the weakest and everyone just plays along, you know, kind of like middle school. In the wild, one animal is always taking advantage of another. They even play it safe by going after the young, the weak, the sick, the old. Nature always seeks an advantage, an opportunity to exploit the unwary.

Mahatma Gandhi said,

"The measure of a civilization is how it treats its weakest members."

In nature, the weakest members are treated as lunch, and that works for them, but it doesn't work for us so stop referring to a pet as your child.