Now That I’m Even Older

The other day, I pressed my face affectionately up against my wife's hair, then before I had a chance to think it through, I exclaimed,

"Your hair smells like pizza."

“No, that’s your beard,” she answered.

She was right. My beard stunk of food. Twenty minutes later, it was gone. I had no choice. My beard was not just making me look and smell old, it was making me old. Last month, I wrote a piece about the things that angered me now that I'm turning into an ornery old fart. Barely a month has passed, and I already have an addendum. So here are more things that piss me off now that I’m getting even older.

1. Repurposing things into lamps.

The other day on a home renovation show they repurposed a meat grinder into a lamp. It looked really stupid. The mechanism still worked which made it impossible to baby proof that home. I hate that.

2. Self help books that advise on how to win friends and influence people.

If you need to read a book to help you acquire friends, then, just maybe, you should put the book down and try going outside or taking up bowling or line dancing. It's equally likely that a book is not going to transform you into an influential person. The most important thing you should be doing if you bought a book like this is trying to spend some time in the sun, not reading that book. I despise that.

3. New Jersey

Apart from the bagels, there's little else redeeming about the Garden State, named like Greenland to make you think it's nicer there than it really is. People from New Jersey revel in being assholes. I read online reviews of waterparks in New Jersey, and more than one commenter reported that kids and adults routinely "cut the line." It's as if waiting your turn is a foreign concept in New Jersey, where dogs eating dogs has replaced common courtesy.

During the summer of 2017, former Governor Chris Christie closed state beaches for a weekend over a budget standoff only to climb up onto the dunes himself with his family. When questioned about his patronage of a closed state beach, Christie advised residents on how they too could use the beach as he had by declaring,

"Run for governor, and you can have a residence there."

You'll never convince me that Christie didn't order the closing of lanes on the upper level of the George Washington Bridge in retaliation against the Fort Lee Mayor, Mark Sokolich, a Democrat who didn't support Christie in the 2013 New Jersey gubernatorial election. Christie's deputy chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, took the rap for it, but I'd bet that it was Christie's idea because that's just the asshole kind of thing a donut eating jerk off from New Jersey would do. I loathe that.

Labels

4. Labels on new clothing.

The other day I was removing the labels from the new clothes my wife purchased for our son. I counted five labels to be discarded per article of clothing including size, care instruction, manufacturer, fabric characteristics and pocket uses. When I was done, those plastic tie things were all over the counter and floor. I kept finding them for days. Do we really need all this information? Can't we just get by with size? I abhor that.

5. Products touting “soothing botanicals.”

The other day I heard this phrase uttered on the radio concerning a hand cream then a television commercial said the same about a shampoo. Still yet, a tea I recently made came in a box that advertised the calming effects associated with "botanicals," which simply means plants. Plants are not soothing, but botanicals are. When I think of my reaction to plants, the first thing that comes to mind is poison ivy, a botanical put on this earth to make me miserable. I detest that.

6. Comedians referring to standup as “working out.”

I heard a comedian say the other day,

"I'm working out at the Comedy Club."

He wasn't pumping iron. He was pumping out jokes on stage. This is not working out. It's talking. I dislike that.

7. Using the word "ecumenical."

Most of my religious educational came from parochial school and watching a lot of Davey and Goliath so I consider myself an expert. "Ecumenical" means bringing all of Christianity under one roof. When arguing a point about religion, as in

"Why does God let babies die?"

If someone says,

"You have to understand things from an ecumenical perspective."

They win by virtue of the fact that they used a five syllable word even if they didn't actually make a point. Most people openly agree with them as they excuse themselves for the bathroom where they look up the definition on their phone, only to return from the shitter an expert. That pisses me off.

8. People who refill a small drink.

I was in Panera Bread the other day when I was waiting in line to fill my cup with raspberry ice tea. A guy in front of me was refilling a small cup. Now, you're not supposed to refill a small drink when they also sell a large size because why would anyone pay for a large when they can keep refilling a small? The only advantage I see to a large drink is that it will cut down on the trips to the fountain, but I don't think that's what they intended.

I know a lot of self service machines end up with unintentional free refills, but what irritated me most about this guy, topping off his diminutive cup, was that he stopped in between fills to drink. He would fill his cup then drink half right in line while I waited. He did this three times which was three times more than he should have done it in the first place. I was waiting for firsts and this dude was rocking thirds. I wanted to slap the tiny cup out of his mouth. I object to that.

9. Declaring something is a “thing.”

Something is a "thing" when it's special enough to be its own concept like,

"Goat yoga is a thing.”

In fact, saying something is a "thing" is in itself a "thing." That makes me recoil.

10. Recordings that claim their menu has changed.

No, their menu hasn't changed. They just say that to fool you into paying attention to all the options, but I have news for them. It doesn't work. Even if the menu has changed, I wouldn't remember the old menu anyway. They lie to us because they think our attention spans are too short which they are. I hate that.

Some things are just never going to happen like a Google search on “James Woods nude.” Other things are inevitable like Kim and Kanye calling it quits. There are a few things that are unpredictable like Hillary losing. Some things just don’t make any sense like Martha Stewart doing more time than Snoop Dog. Then there are the things that are unavoidable like death, taxes and Trump’s tweets. Sad!

One thing for sure, getting old stinks, but it’s better than the alternative.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on April 17, 2018. Kim and Kanye divorce in September of 2020.

Now That I'm Old

Recently, I've come to grips with the fact that I've been around the sun more times than I have left, but it's not like I'm old just yet. I mean, I don't miss places on my face when I shave, and my clothes don't smell like damp newspapers stored at length in a basement. Food is not left in my beard, stalactites don't grow from my nostrils nor is there a bowl of hard candy by my favorite chair. That being said, I'm clearly getting ornery. Small things really chap my ass. It's inevitable even though I know being an irritable pain will get you a oneway ticket on an ice flow. I just can't help myself. So here are the things that cause me to senior out.

1. Describing a woman as “handsome.”
 

Calling a woman "handsome" is not an attempt at gender neutrality. "Handsome" in this context is supposed to mean refined beauty. Writers use the term to intellectualize themselves, not to say anything about a woman's looks. I hate that.

2. Referring to a piece of clothing as “fun.”

I was in a clothing store the other day with my wife, Christine. A young woman held up some summer shorts as she said,

"These are fun."

People who say this are trying to pull off a good vibe, but truth is they just sound nuts. What could be fun about a piece of clothing? I despise that.
 

3. Using “pleasure” as a verb.
 

I would expect Christian Grey to say to Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Stupid something like,

"Let me pleasure you."

Then I would expect Anastasia's breast to heave which I assume would mean both of them. I loathe that.

4. Cooks who want to be called "Chef."

My wife watches a lot of cooking competitions on television. Everyone is very serious. Judges call you out for not putting enough salt on a dish. Okay, so they can make a compote and an arugula salad, but do we have to call them "Chef?" Not many people use their occupation as a rank. We don’t say,

“Yes Dentist. I floss daily.”

or,

"No Anesthesiologist. I'm not allergic to eggs."

I abhor that.

5. Referring to the hospital without an article.

The Brits do this all the time. They say,

“I took him to hospital.”

People do this to establish their britishness. I worked with a guy who was from Wales. I once asked him,

“What does Prince Charles’s wife do on Thursday nights?”

“I don’t know. Volunteer at hospital?” he answered.

”Camilla Parker Bowles,” I said through my clenched teeth as I noted his lack of an article.

I detest that.

 

6. Referring to a car by its maker.
 

A friend of mine has a BMW. He's very proud of owning the vehicle even though it's a stripped down bottom of the line model. He always refers to his car as "The BMW" as in,

"Honey, why don't you just take The BMW?"

I should be happy for him, after all he just paid $232 to change the oil in The BMW. People never do this with a Dodge Dart. They don't say,

"Sweetie, why don't you take The Pea Green Dodge Dart with the slant six."

I dislike that.

 

7. Songs that mimic dust on the record.
 

Some artists add hiss and pop to a recording to make it sound retro. Before CDs, we actually lived with record skips and scratches in our music. Adele released Rolling in the Deep on vinyl. Most audiophiles believe vinyl produces the best quality sound. That may be true if you have an expensive turntable. Back in the day we taped quarters to the stylus to plow the needle through skips. That pisses me off.

 

8. Lawyers referring to money in the plural.
 

I saw a commercial a while ago for a law firm that provided this sound legal advice,

"Have you been involved in a slip and fall? If so, then you may be entitled to monies."

Since it's plural you probably qualify for more than just one money. Depending on the severity of your injuries, you are likely entitled to several different kinds of money. Attorneys referring to money in the plural are just trying to sound more authoritative. I object to that.

 

9. Cunning pet names.
 

Names for pets have always been endearing. Adorable pet names make me barf. Bo, Baxter, Buddy, Bailey, Whally. These are all names that are too substandard for a human. How come no one ever names their dog "John?" It's always some delightful, darling name like "Dinkles." I also hate it when people use "cunning" for "cute." That makes me recoil.
 

10. Alliterative children's names.

Kris Kardashian chose all her daughters names to start with a "K" because her name begins with that letter. Kourtney, Kim, Khloe. Her only son took her first husband's name in full, "Robert." Presumably any subsequent boys would have been named Ronnie, Rupert, Reginald, etc. I'm sure this was Kris's idea because she carried it into her second marriage to Bruce Jenner with their kids, Kendall and Kylie. When Bruce transitioned, he shoved it up Kris's caboose by choosing the name "Caitlin" with a "C" and not a "K."

I hate that.

Getting old really stinks, but not as much as an actual old person. I'm certainly not looking forward to spending the rest of my life repeating the same story to the same people on the same day. Sometimes I forget my kid's names or call my sister by my wife's name. I work out now not to get buff but to ensure that I can open a jar of pickles. Aging is nature's way of making room for the next generation who now will get their turn to fuck up the earth.

Getting old sucks, but it's better than the alternative.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on March 27, 2018.

And Even Older

Old Guy

Okay, I wrote three pieces about becoming an ornery old person. Here is one more focusing on some of the changes that occur as one ages which, come to think of it, pisses me off.

1. Forever Cold

Now that I'm old, I'm always cold. It seems like I just can't warm up until the summer. I'm looking forward to Global Warming. Sure that will make water scarce, raise the sea level and bring fire ants up north, but at least I wont need a blanket when I sit in a chair in November.

2. The winter is going to kill me.

Incessant cold brings on an unrelenting fear. Each year, I used to look forward to the holiday season. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday even though we are celebrating the annihilation of native peoples. Today, I wonder if I will make it past the season without succumbing. I can't escape the feeling that the winter is actively trying to kill me.

3. AARP enrollment forms.

Some time after fifty, you'll start getting American Association of Retired People, (AARP), snail mail. It will be full of literature, important to seniors, which mostly amounts to lobbying the government to pay for more things. There are articles chronicling horror stories of elderly people having to make "a decision between medication or food." They'll also offer discounts on restaurants like Applebee's. With nearly 40 million people in membership, it's no wonder Social Security is going bankrupt. Their magazine offers financial advice as well as articles on the latest breakthroughs in gout. I haven't joined just yet even though I get weekly reminders in my mailbox. I think the primary function of the US Postal Service is to disseminate AARP signup forms.

4. Odd foods.

I find as I age, I like strange foods. I haven't got to a point were I have a bowl of hard candy by my favorite chair just yet, but the other day I bought whole milk. Yesterday, I had a craving for black licorice. I also feel like I should start cooking with lard. Now that the holidays are upon us, I would like to try mint jelly and lamb and maybe a wedge of cheddar with my apple pie.

5. The pills

When you get older, you must be careful what you say to your doctor. You see, today they have a pill for everything. If you pee too often at night, if your blood pressure is anything above 120/80 or if you sweat too much, they got a pill for you. They probably have a pill if your shit stinks. Doctor's love to prescribe pills because HMOs pay them to "manage" your many prescriptions. I wish they would help me manage all the meds I take. I have at least three different colors of pills I pop for various conditions afflicting me. One of them helps with memory, but I forgot which it is. If there is an apocalypse and the supply chain is disrupted, prescription pill poppers like me will be bunned big time.

6. Knowing Depends are out there.

Commercials for adult diapers always unnerve me. It's bad enough I have to shake extra long when I pee to ensure I don't leave a "water" stain in my pants, but knowing that the inevitable conclusion is that I will eventually unwittingly piss myself is horrible. I'm not ready to go back to diapers.

7. Hair.

When I shave, I take extra time to ensure I don't miss a spot. Old dudes always have stray facial or excessively long nose hairs. I take time to trim my eyebrows which for five decades required no maintenance at all. Now they grow like weeds. I'm reluctant to tell my doctor because he'll prescribe a pill that will slow down eyebrow growth in "four out of five patients." Eventually, I'll have to trim the hair growing from my ears. It's very sad.

8. Nostril stalactites.

Nothing says old fart louder than a loogie dangling from the nose. I'm constantly using my phone to check my nostril status. My wife, Christine, thinks I'm taking selfies, but I wouldn't dream of doing that. I took one selfie my whole life. The last thing I want to chronicle is my salt and pepper hair morphing into more salt than pepper.

9. Accepting that someday my gun will no longer fire.

It's gonna happen. Someday, the last bit of testosterone will drain from my metabolism and the driving force motivating me for decades will come to an end, after which I'll take up Sudokus. When my last nutshot comes, I won't take it in stride. Sure, it might be nice not to be constantly under pressure to further the human race, but I kind of like it right now. I read an AARP article which claimed sex in your sixties was way better than in your twenties. The author wrote that familiarity with your long time partner and not fearing pregnancy makes senior sex more fun. I'm not looking forward to having to take a pill to get a boner not to mention gravity eventually winning out in its relentless war with my ass.

10. Early to bed.

I already go to sleep at nine in the evening and often get up by five in the morning. Most seniors can't sleep in. I don't mind rising early because I can always pawn that off as a morning person thing. I simply cannot go to bed any earlier than I already do. It's especially hard in the summer when it's still light outside by the time I get drowsy. At least the summer isn't trying to kill me.

Oh yeah, one other thing. They tell you the results the minute you wake up from a colonoscopy. You don't even get a chance to wipe your butt before they start informing you as to what they snipped out of you anus. Although I hate waiting for test results, I would prefer a little down time after an invasive procedure.

It's a challenge not to be an ass pain as you age, but in the end you have to accept whatever life tosses your way. Getting old sucks, but it's better than the alternative.