Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

That First Cigarette in the Morning

Back in 2017 when we all used to go to a central location to perform our jobs, I used to enjoy passing office buildings and watching the smokers freeze as they puffed away. After years of putting up with smokers in restaurants, at work, and in my family home, I was thankful that society collectively banished the suicide squad to a small part of company property where they smoked themselves into a hole in the ground that the reaper has been patiently edging them closer to for years. I miss that.

Back in the early 90's, smokers could light up just about anywhere. People smoked at work, in restaurants, on airplanes. It was terrible. Whenever my wife and I went out for dinner, we had to wash all our clothes afterwards. Even my socks stunk of cigarette smoke. When I was in eighth grade in 1978, my teacher, Brian W. McCormick, tasked us to write our own amendments to the Constitution as if we were a founding father. My first amendment was,

"No smoking in public places."

Mr. McCormick, a consummate smoker, was baffled by my proclamation. When he asked why I wrote that, I said,

"Because it stinks, and it kills people."

My oldest sister smoked Kool cigarettes. They were the cigs with the highest tar content, that is, the worst for you. That's why she smoked them, because she was cool. She used to expel smoke in my face for amusement. Later in life, my father freely admitted that allowing his daughter to smoke in the house was his worst mistake as a parent.

My thoughtful older sister gave me my very first cigarette when I was ten. Back in those days, every convenience store sold cigarettes to any kid at any age even though it was illegal. I tried to smoke the cigarette she gave me, but I couldn't bring myself to get through it. You have to be very delusional to think you look anything but stupid when smoking. Luckily, I tossed the thing instead of developing a life long habit.

"You don't understand. You're not addicted," a smoker friend of mine once told me.

I understand that chemical addiction is a powerful force, but what I can't wrap my head around is how you get there. You have to choke down quite a few cigarettes before you start feeling good from nicotine. After that, you're feeding the beast with little to no benefit. What is it about smokers that compels them to soldier on through the stink and cost, ignoring health concerns, the pictures of rotting, shriveled, black lungs wracked by the big C, to get to the dystopia of addiction?

The other day in a convenience store, the dude in front of me bought a pack of cigarettes. The clerk rang up $10.59. I almost wish I smoked so I could quit and save all that money. The guy also requested a "box" in lieu of a "soft pack." I never understood what the criteria is that causes someone to opt for the rigid box versus the more form fitting soft pack. He became very agitated with the cashier when he learned that they hadn't what he wanted. Ironic that a guy requesting "Marlboro box" was likely destined for an early box himself.

I often wonder what it's like working for the tobacco industry? It must be very depressing manufacturing a product that kills the user. In 1994, seven CEOs from the tobacco industry testified before congress in regards to the addictiveness of nicotine. All the executives openly denied that cigarettes are addictive, and that they cause lung cancer.

James W. Johnston, chairman and chief executive of R. J. Reynolds, expressed his opinion that every product from cola to Twinkies had risks associated with them. This prompted Congressman Henry A. Waxman, Democrat from California, to say,

"Yes, but the difference between cigarettes and Twinkies is death."

There are many things I simply don't understand. Becoming addicted to cigarettes is a big one. Young people, trying to look cool, are better at it then us older folks. A recent survey by a Swedish company reveals that millennials have the highest smoking rate. I'm on the downside of life, that is, there is less ahead of me than behind. Young people think they're going to live forever so they do stupid things like smoking, parkour, and anthropology. They don't comprehend consequences like lung cancer, broken necks, or six figure debt for a useless college degree.

My father started smoking and drinking coffee because to take a break from work in 1950, you had to be doing something. He would sit in the employee break room of his factory job and quietly meditate. Once his boss passed bye and asked,

"What are you doing?"

"Taking a break," my father explained.

"Well, smoke 'em if you got 'em," his boss directed.

He quit smoking in 1964, the year I was born, when the surgeon general announced the first health warning associated with cigarette smoking. Forty five years later, Congress manage to pass the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act giving the FDA the authority to regulate tobacco products. For years tobacco was not regulated as a drug even though nicotine, a potent and highly addictive narcotic, occurs abundantly in tobacco. That wasn't good enough for the tobacco industry, though, which actually increased the amount of nicotine in cigarettes. For years, the fast food industry has been accused of putting things like excessive salt in their products to make you feel hungry. The cigarette companies have been drugging smokers for decades, and the government has only recently given itself the power to regulate them. I doubt I'll see smoking eradicated like the disease it is in my lifetime, one thankfully not shortened by patronage.

It's money and the power that comes with it which keeps the cigarette industry afloat. Cigarette companies are pushers selling a legal narcotic that could never be introduced into our society today if it wasn't for the historical widespread use by unwitting users. I'm at an age whereby everyone I know who smokes is no longer getting away with it. I always encourage young people to quit smoking and universally, they respond with mild irritation at my persistent attempts to prolong their life.

When college students were asked what was the most important issue facing their generation, top on the list was "legalized marijuana." As marijuana becomes legal for recreational use in many states, I wonder what will be the health effects of smoking unfiltered pot on the next generation? Heroin use is on the rise as pot smokers graduate to the next level of illegal substance abuse. The potheads in high school used to say,

"You use only two percent of your brain so who cares how many brain cells you kill with drugs."

I think smokers use less than that, and nicotine kills the part that's already in use.

Editor’s Note: Orginally published on March 28, 2017.

Pot in Every Chicken

This summer the People's Republic of Connecticut became the 19th state to legalize recreational marijuana, leaving Rhode Island and New Hampshire as the lone New England hold outs. In the Granite State, pot is decriminalized up to 3/4 oz for medical use only. It's no wonder that grass remains illegal in New Hampshire since the state has the fourth largest English speaking legislative body in the world with 400 members. Imagine how difficult it is to win a majority with so many voices who drive trucks with at least one door a different color. Today, we are voting in my town on a referendum to decide if people will be allowed to get high on public property. You can't openly drink alcohol here, but after today we might be able to toke up in the borough while strolling by the antique shops, bookstores and bistros. I'm doubtful that my fellow citizens will be brave enough with their vote to tell their inner child that this is just not a good idea; after all, most of them eat danish for breakfast.

My sum total of drug usage began and ended on Halloween in 1980 when I was 16 years old. After egging the telephone booth outside the local 7-Eleven, Frank Lamb and I took off up the street. When far enough away, we stopped to catch our breaths. Frank lit a joint which he handed to me. I took one hit and gave it back. A few years later while applying to an officer program in the military, I was filling out forms in a recruiter's office. One question read,

"Have you ever smoked marijuana?"

Recalling my days as a hooligan, I checked "Yes."

After reviewing my input, the recruiter gave me another form then advised me to say that my pot smoking was only "experimental" at college parties. I explained that it was before college, and I wouldn't characterize it as experimental.

"How often did you get high?" he asked concernedly.

"Never," I answered.

"But you just said you smoked pot!" he insisted.

"Yeah, I took one hit off a joint that Frank Lamb handed me on Halloween in high school."

The recruiter grabbed my application and crumbled it up then placed a blank form in front of me while advising that I fill it out again except this time check "No" on the dope question.

The main reason I avoided drugs in my youth was because in the 70s I was too young for the free love, turn on, tune in, drop out counter-culture of the hippy generation. Truth be known, hippies on the east coast were not mellow, peace loving, bohemian, flower children who just liked to get high while listening to Jimmy Hendrix and Peter, Paul and Mary. They were mostly jerks who bullied younger kids like me for just being near them on a day when they ran out of doobage. The first lesson I learned about ganja as a kid was that while smoking pot makes you mellow, most burnouts get pretty ornery when they come down.

I had a longtime friend who unbeknownst to me smoked pot on a regular basis. When we got together for a cookout at either of our homes or dinner in town, he was so down to earth calm that I believed that's just the kind of person he was. Once when I spent a full day with him helping with a home repair, I noticed as the day wore on he became increasingly agitated. When we took a break for lunch at a local sandwich shop, he hassled the waitress so badly that I ordered something different from him just to ensure I didn't get the sandwich with the spit in it. As he left his half of the tip, he dropped four dollars into the pile of cash on the table while retrieving the five dollar bill I landed.

Exiting the sandwich shop, I suggested that we make another trip to the hardware store to exchange the plumbing fitting I recommended earlier that morning. Upon returning to his car, he launched into a profanity laced tirade that included an assessment of my home improvement skills which he deemed "not worth the ink on my grandfather's naturalization papers." As he drove to the hardware store which I believe he thought was Beyond Thunderdome, he tailgated vehicles while spewing a stream of consciousness in critique of their inferior driving abilities. At the hardware store, he was so dissatisfied with the service from the guy trying to help us that he freely associated descriptive terms with his most prominent physical features.

What I didn't know at the time was that the plumbing project he wanted help with was going to last longer than the buzz he put on before I arrived. He never lit up in front of me and had only recently admitted to smoking marijuana frequently, noting that I likely didn't approve. He was right. I don't approve of smoking weed. Not because it's bad for you, or because it's addictive. Not because chronic use will cause stomach ailments or throat cancer. No, I hate it because most people who habitually smoke pot are douchebags when they're not high, and they don't even know it.

There's a lot of myths spread on social media about Mary Jane that don't get censored by the independent fact-checkers as assuredly as comments claiming that the past summer was unusually cold. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and National Institute of Health (NIH) cannabis is addictive, but so many people refute this that they use the term "marijuana use disorder" instead. The younger you start toking up the more likely you are to develop a disorder. Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome is a condition in which long-term regular marijuana use causes frequent and violent upchucking. The American Cancer Society is against smoking and vaping pot in public because the smoke contains numerous carcinogens. In 2017, the number of fatal car crashes in which the driver was high on hemp doubled in Washington state five years after legalization. A 2019 study published in JAMA Psychiatry determined that marijuana use among 12 to 17 years olds was 25% higher after legalization.

There are plenty of conflicting studies on the internet that indicate usage did not increase after legalization and tout the medical benefits of getting high. But if you look closely at the URLs for these sites, you'll see that they point to some stoner's blog or a site promoting bud. You can find many studies which conclude that pot is not a gateway drug, that smoking weed does not lead to the use of more potent drugs like cocaine. While it is true not everyone who smokes reefer will end up a heroin addict, it’s equally true that most, if not all, hardcore drug users started out with weed.

Recently, I took our ten year old, William, to a routine end of summer checkup. As the examination wrapped up, the doctor asked him if anyone he knows vapes marijuana. William thought a moment then answered, "No." I was perhaps naively surprised that she asked such a question until she informed me that vaping pot is on the rise in his age group because parents consider cannabis to be safe, even beneficial, now that it is legal in many states.

A passionate pothead colleague of mine once said that I didn't have a clue what I was talking about because I "don't smoke pot." He was right. I don't smoke pot, but I'm unsure as to why he thought regularly ingesting a mind altering drug would lend credence to his opinion. The exchange reminded me of comments made by author and columnist, Fran Lebowitz, in the Martin Scorsese's Netflix docu-series, Pretend It's a City. Lebowitz said,

"I do have friends who are around my age or even older who I know to have been daily marijuana smokers for 50 years. These are not the most acute people on the planet. Let me assure you that there is an aggregate effect. Because I knew them maybe when they started, OK? So they're not like, dangerous people, but maybe they're not the people you would consult anymore."

While you may no longer seek their advice and they may not be threatening, I’m pretty certain that many of them are also assholes.

Crisis in Nevada, Not Enough Pot

I ❤️ Nevada

Recently, the Governor of Nevada has declared a state of emergency due to the severe shortage in recreational marijuana. Less than a week after going on sale following legalization in November, officials underestimated the number of potheads in the state leading to the massive shortfall.

The Nevada Tax Commission issued the following statement,

"Based on reports of adult-use marijuana sales already far exceeding the industry’s expectations at the state’s 47 licensed retail marijuana stores, and the reality that many stores are running out of inventory, the Department must address the lack of distributors immediately."

The problem started when the transportation of ganja was given exclusively to alcohol distributors in accordance with state law and the Mafia. The alcohol distributors were not able to keep up with the high demand. The state legislature is voting on an emergency provision which would allow distributors of medical weed to backfill in response to the severe shortage. They're also considering allowing a guy named "Lil' Monty" to help out since he's uniquely qualified to meet the growing demand.

"I got hookup on 'dis shit, solid gold, foe as many peeps as you want. Nome wat I sayin'?" said Monty.

The liquor wholesalers were taken completely off guard by the sheer volume of reefer sales. Jimmy "Socks" Scalise said,

"Madonne! These guys want cronic, you know, da good stuff. No schwag for these chooches."

The shortage of Mary Jane has reached crisis proportions since sales began last week. Spokesperson for the Department of Taxation, Stephanie Klapstein, said,

"The business owners in this industry have invested hundreds of millions of dollars to build facilities across the state. They have hired and trained thousands of additional employees... Unless the issue... is resolved quickly, the inability to deliver product to retail stores will result in many of these people losing their jobs and will bring this nascent market to a grinding halt. A halt in this market will lead to a hole in the state’s school budget."

A state imposed 15% "cultivation tax" on recreational bud goes toward schools much like the proceed for gaming in Atlantic City was supposed to support public education. State officials plan to backfill the budgetary hole with funds for medication alotted to low income seniors and from the Head Start Program.

An unnamed Nevadan official said,

"Nevada is the only state in which paying for a piece of ass is legal and regulated so it's no surprise that we'll lead the country into recreational pot smoking. If schools are impacted by budgetary constraints, superfluous programs like STEM will be cut to save gym. It's about priorities."

It's important to keep the gambling community well supplied with booze, ass and now pot in order to fuel the state economy. Next year, Nevadans will vote on a statewide referendum to legalizing money laundering to help the slumping economy.