On the Finale of the HBO Series, Girls

Back in January, I wrote a piece about celebrities, who publically stated that they would leave the country if Trump was elected President. In it I pointed out that Lena Dunham, the creative mind behind the HBO Series, Girls, said she would move to Canada. Often when I rail on a celeb, I peruse their work first. Far be it for me to criticize something I know nothing about. So I watched a few episodes of Girls, jumping in on Season 3. Admittedly, I was hooked back then and binge watched all five seasons.
 

Lena Dunham

At first, I was puzzled by the narcissism of the four protagonists as well as supporting characters. The writing, though, was so candid and the story so tenable that I had to know where this came from and where it was going. Dunham chose to make the main characters deliberately intolerable, bucking the immutable rule that all protagonists had to be likeable. The more I despised Hannah, played by Dunham, Marnie, Jessa and Shoshana, the more I wanted to bear witness to their redemption.

The characters sometimes referenced the orginal HBO Series, Sex in the City, as in the first season when Shoshana, played by Zosia Mamet, claimed to be most like Carrie Bradshaw while occasionally releasing a wild side like Samantha. My wife, Christine, and I watched Sex in the City years ago when we were childless. As much as I disliked the themes of that series, I did learn a lot. The stories composed for Sex in the City were based on the real life dramas of the producers and writers. Sarah Jessica Parker played Carrie Bradshaw, author of a column about relationships. We learned from that show that a "fuck buddy" was a dude with a renewable yearly booty call pass. I heard of "thunder buddies," but never a fuck buddy. Carrie had a fuck buddy, and in an appropriately titled episode in Season 2, doled out the sage advice that you can never date your fuck buddy.

Sex in the City

What eventually turned me off of Sex in the City was the concept that a strong, empowered woman would unapologetically tap ass equal to that of a man. Hollywood embraces promiscuity as a power trait in women because it's more screen worthy than, say, a strong woman leading a diverse, multidisciplined team of employees in a Fortune 500 company, building a complex piece of machinery. Sex sells. Adopting one of the worse characteristics of men to establish an empowered woman may, at first, appear contrarian, but in reality it's no big deal. Fortunately, the image of women not enjoying sex and waiting for the vile experience to be over was shed in the '60's. Writers shouldn't feel that women are strong when they copy the qualities of men.

For all the inequality of pay and opportunity in the workforce today, and the lack of sexual harassment awareness and legislation prior to the 1990's, women always had one thing over us guys. It has never been empowering for a woman to get laid. That's why the overwhelming number of prostitutes are female. Sure, some prostitutes are men, but their clientele are ugly, old ladies and other dudes. The sex in Girls was never portrayed as empowering, but rather the manifestation of poor choices.

The other thing I hated about Sex in the City was the concept of the "end all, be all" guy. Most woman have an end all, be all. That's a guy who is a douche who repeatedly treats a woman, who loves him, like shit. The end all, be all guy can disappear for extended periods, then reappear, and the woman takes him back. You know, like John Mayer. It takes most women their entire twenties to finally shed their end all, be all dick of a boyfriend. I know because I was the nice guy who always got bumped by the end all, be all douchebag. Big, played by Chris Noth in Sex in the City, was an end all, be all asshole who eventually married Carrie in the perfect Hollywood ending. For all the relationship advice Carried Bradshaw dispensed through her fictitious column, I don't recall her ever warning against end all, be all dickheads, but I'm here to tell women that you don't marry your end all, be all fuck wad. You outgrow him.

I thought Adam Driver's character, Adam, in Girls would be the disappointing end all, be all conclusion to Hannah's predicament as a single parent. In the final season, Hannah, pregnant with some random surfer dude's baby, gets caught up in Adam's offer to help raise her child, including a proposal mixed in with a comment about the soup served at a restaurant, but Hannah realizes that Adam is not her savior and would not be good for her and her baby. She tearfully rejects his offer in the Season 6 episode, What Will We Do This Time About Adam? The final episode concentrates on Hannah's struggles with her newborn, most prevalent in her infant's sudden inability to breastfeed.

While Dunham's depiction of Hannah was master class, Allison Williams portrayal of Marnie was so convincing, it's hard to believe the actress isn't really like that. Marnie was always reading in great detail how to do something, and consistently making abysmal, albeit educated, choices. Marnie was Hannah's last friend and appeared with Hannah's mother in the final episode which was no grandiose, two hour finale. There was no pretentious curtain call or irritating applause from a live studio audience.

While reading a book on breastfeeding, Marnie offers tidbits of advise concerning nipple position. Hannah asks if Marnie has nipples because she never saw them. Lena Dunham was ribbing her costar, who never showed her breasts throughout the series. There was a lot of nudity in Girls. In six seasons, I saw Lena Dunham's nipples more than I saw my own. With all the groundbreaking nudity and sex scenes in Girls, Allison Williams chose otherwise even though she starred in the now iconic "motorboat scene," in which Desi, her on screen husband, free dove on her sewer cap. Like Sex in the City, Girls taught me a new vernacular.

For most of the last episode, Hannah continues her narcissistic tirades until she meets her match in a younger version of herself, who is mad at her mother for forcing her to do her history homework. At first Hannah offers a safety net to the hapless high schooler, who comes off as if she just escaped an abusive stepfather. When Hannah learns that the girl is simply trying to get to her football playing boyfriend, Hannah spontaneously unloads advice that her mother is just doing what's best for her and will continue to do so tirelessly for rest of her life.

The final episode ends with Hannah's baby rediscovering his mother's milk, and the off screen sounds of a baby breastfeeding with his mother's encouragement. I remember that sound well. Typically, Girls ended with some trendy music, but the finale finished with Hannah singing a cappella, Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, after stifling Marnie from doing so earlier in the episode. It was subtle and ingeniously fulfilling.

Critics say that Dunham left loose ends, but I disagree. Shoshanna married, then probably got divorced a few years later, which would have prompted her to reconnect with Hannah. Jessa, played by Jemima Kirke, stayed with Adam and likely overdosed at some time in the near future. Marnie had a go of law school, finding a new passion to match her singing. Ray made a life with Abigail under her eternal sunshine. Elijah had a fantastic run on Broadway after his stellar performance in the production of White Men Can't Jump.

More drama might have satisfied the American audience, who often needs their hand held to the very end. Some critics were angered that Hannah didn't abort her unplanned, out of wedlock baby in the series finale, expressing that it was the logical solution since Dunham stated in a podcast that she wished she had an abortion so she could commiserate with all the brave woman who made that decision. Lena Dunham addressed this by saying that she supports a woman's right to choose which includes choosing to have a baby.

Friends come and go in adult relationships. If you're lucky, one might linger. That's the message I got from Girls along with the sad fact that millennials need an extra decade to grow up. Lena Dunham told the story with the genuine flare of a genius and kept her audience unprepared for the journey ahead.

And that's the bird I had to eat for my post back in January.

Take Your Vote and Leave

There are several notable celebrities that vowed to leave the country if Trump was elected. Here is a rundown of a few that should be packing their bags.

Miley Cyrus

 

Miley Cyrus Adjusting the Business
End of her Lady Parts 

Miley Cyrus used to sing songs about her grandpa while playing her folk guitar, but lately she's been twerking in Robin Thicke's crotch, licking sledgehammers, and writing songs about drug use. Her transformation from Disney star to pop, soft core, diva came with the revelation that she was just being her true self. If you followed her career, you can pinpoint the exact day and time Miley discovered penis. Miley barely got out of puberty before she started performing sex acts with blow up dolls on stage. She posted on Instagram,

"I am moving if this is my president. I don't say things I don't mean!

Spoken like a true millennial. Miley Cyrus proved to me that I don't want to see all women naked. Keep your clothes on, Miley, and pack your guitar and dolls.

Barbra Streisand

 

Funny Senior Citizen
Barbara Streisand

Singer, Barbra Streisand, who wooed us in the 80's with songs about cats, like Memories, said,

"He has no facts. I don't know, I can't believe it. I'm either coming to your country (Australia), if you'll let me in, or Canada."

First off, I thought she was dead. Streisand was a comic singer/movie star who did films like Funny Girl, the musical, comedy, drama, best known for the first portrayal of a smart, funny, Jewish woman. She would whip out a Jewish accent whenever she needed to extract a laugh from the audience, then she would sing, unaccented, when she wanted us to tear up. Her career as an entertainer is unparalleled with the exception of that stint with Don Johnson. Back in the late 80's, the two started playing hide the mezuzah. Somehow, Johnson and Streisand did a duet together. How this came about, whether it was his idea or hers, the world may never know. Streisand's wiki page doesn't even mention Johnson. Obviously, singing ability wasn't a concern for Streisand. I thought she was going to do a follow up duet with David Hasselhoff. 

Streisand should be aware that Canada is to the north and Australia is to the south.

Cher

Cher Cashing a Social
Security Check at Applebees

Cher said she would move to Jupiter if Trump won. Being a product of the 70's, I'm sure Cher spent a lot of time on other planets. She shit canned Sonny Bono back in 1975, then hooked up with Gregg Allman, who she divorced four years later after he purportedly smacked her around. She continued the humorous, variety television show, The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, owing to Sonny's business sense. Bono was as bad a singer as Don Johnson, but he pulled it off since he was such a likable guy. Even Cher cried at his funeral after he skied into a tree.

Jupiter's gravity is 2.5 times that here on earth. Cher is pushing into her 70's. She better pump some iron before she leaves.

Al Sharpton

 

Sharpton During
Leaner Times

The Reverend Al Sharpton said,

"I’m also reserving my ticket to get out of here if he wins."

For decades, Sharpton has been the tireless point man in the fight for racial equality. In the late 80's, Sharpton backed Twanana Brawley, a 15 year girl who was found smeared with feces and racial slurs written on her body. Brawley claimed she was assaulted and raped by six white men including police officers and a prosecutor. A grand jury found that the slurs written on Brawley's body were backwards, implying that they were written by someone looking in a mirror. Sharpton lost a defamation suit against the men Brawley falsely accused. He never paid the six figure fine. Sharpton got Johnny Cochran to pay the damages.

Before he leaves, he should square up with the government all the back taxes he's been evading for years.

Lena Dunham

 

Lena Dunham Getting
Her Pelvis Tattooed

Lena Dunham is the quirky writer, director and star of the HBO series, Girls. Dunham is the Queen of Self Deprecation. Recently, she referred to herself as a "sack of flaming garbage," but even the trash gets taken out once in a while. She said,

"I know a lot of people have been threatening to do this, but I really will."

Then she recanted, indicating that she will stick it out in her own country. I've watched a few episodes of Dunham's comedy drama, Girls. I'm not sure what the show is about. I think it's about girls, but the four protagonists are neurotic, attention seeking, unstable, drug using women, who muddle through life, always espousing how they feel about everything. Dunham's character, Hannah, eats and calls her parents every time she's stressed which is several times a day. The girls all orbit around equally pathetic guys.

Back in the day when my generation starting dating, we put our best foot forward in attempts to attract a mate. Here's an idea. Don't marry someone who's a "hot mess." The real stress in life happens later when your kid is throwing up at 3 AM, and the mortgage and taxes are due in the morning. Dunham's show must appeal to millennials who need constant propping up just to get through a day off.

When Lena moves to Canada, I recommend that she join a gym, and put down the Scooter Pies. It's cold up there, and working out will help keep her warm.

Ruth Joan Bader Ginsburg
 

Ruth Dressed as Olive Oyl
for Halloween

Supreme Court justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, a Bill Clinton appointee, said,

"I can't imagine what the country would be with Donald Trump as our president... Now it's time for us to move to New Zealand."

Sure, she's not a celebrity, but if she moves she'll have to vacate her post as a Supreme Court judge since I'm pretty sure they can't telecommute. That will leave another vacancy for Trump to fill. 

So long, Ruth.

 

Amy Schumer



Amy Schumer
Tries Water

Amy Schumer is a comedian heralding from Comedy Central. She said,

"I will need to learn to speak Spanish because I will move to Spain or somewhere... It's beyond my comprehension if Trump won. It's too crazy."

Amy keeps photoshop techs in demand. Schumer's 2015 comedy, Trainwreck, had her in the lead role, playing a drunk, pot smoking pig. First up, train wreck is two words. Second, celebrities who play drunks are usually boozers in real life. When alcohol abusing celebrities show up on the set wasted, and the script calls for it, the production can keep moving along.

Schumer's tired act often incorporates excessive drinking. She told a story to Stephen Colbert on The Late Show that she once rented Jake Gyllenhaal's condo. After rifling through his stuff, she found a frozen cake in the freezer, which she would eat when she was drunk. It took a few bottles of wine, but she finally got through the whole thing. 

Amy should be aware that Spain is tough on alcohol and drug abuse. We wouldn't want America's new funny girl to end her career in a Spanish prison.

There's a whole bunch of other celebrities who I haven't a clue who they are, Brian Cranston, Neve Campbell, Keegan-Michael Key, Ne-Yo, etc. I'm sure they're a very talented bunch who someone will miss when they move away.

As a cross generational group, I'm not exactly sure who these people think they're punishing by their threat of a life inversion. In some of the cases, the country will be a better place without them. It's just like a celebrity to think that if they move, the rest of us, especially those that voted for Trump, will somehow be upset. As if I would give a crap if Cher moved to Spain. Personally, I would help these people pack if they asked, although they'd have to hire out the heavy lifting.

They wouldn't even have to buy me pizza.